


Dead Bitch Walking

by GrumpkinVicky



Series: Tales from Shoptopia [1]
Category: Dragon Age - All Media Types, Dragon Age: Inquisition
Genre: Cole is a Bro, Cole is ace, Consensual Kink, F/F, F/M, Fetish, Fluff and Crack, Group Sex, M/M, Memory Loss, Modern Character in Thedas, Multi, Not Canon Compliant, Other Additional Tags to Be Added, Polyamory, Sex Positive, Trolling, dead woman walking
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-01-17
Updated: 2021-01-12
Packaged: 2021-02-27 08:34:13
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 60
Words: 165,571
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/22294135
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/GrumpkinVicky/pseuds/GrumpkinVicky
Summary: She was dead, she’d accepted that the moment she’d woken up, looked at the night sky seen two moons and the stars. Having accepted this fact she was living life to the fullest. She had no skills whatsoever, or no usable ones in the middle of the Hinterlands.Breaking into places before the templar/mage rebellion had made things a little easier to loot old treasures. Knowing where there were rarer herbs helped too, after she’d watched a couple of other people picking them.Now she had some bombs, she had some more weather-resistant clothes and more importantly, she had a map to Therinfal where the greatest treasure of all would be found.
Relationships: Alistair/Original Female Character(s), Cole/Original Female Character(s), Everyone/Original Female Character(s)
Series: Tales from Shoptopia [1]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1776595
Comments: 130
Kudos: 143





	1. Start of a beautiful friendship!

**Author's Note:**

> Some chapters will have letters at the end. These will be the letters that Cole will deliver after she croaks it. It's only a matter of time, but before it happens she wants to achieve a couple of things.

She was dead, she’d accepted that the moment she’d woken up, looked at the night sky seen two moons and the stars. Having accepted this fact she was living life to the fullest. She had no skills whatsoever, or no usable ones in the middle of the Hinterlands.

Breaking into places before the templar/mage rebellion had made things a little easier to loot old treasures. Knowing where there were rarer herbs helped too, after she’d watched a couple of other people picking them.

Now she had some bombs, she had some more weather-resistant clothes and more importantly, she had a map to Therinfal where the greatest treasure of all would be found. Other than the ones she had buried underneath the floorboards of a cabin she’d found with a corpse in it. It wasn’t one of the cabins that would end up on fire, she was fairly sure it wasn’t at least.

She was busy sitting under a tree within viewing distance of the keep eating an apple thinking hard about the lovable blonde rogue.

Cole cole cole cole cole cole cole cole cole cole cole cole cole cole cole. She’d been repeating the name over and over again for the last few hours. Sooner or later she’d need to move on so as not to seem suspicious. Not that she looked particularly threatening, but even so, tensions were on the rise already.

Compassion compassion compassion compassion compassion compassion compassion. She mixed it up, she wasn’t up on the whole Cole lore thing, she wasn’t sure if he would even be here yet, some of the templars were.

Cole cole cole cole cole cole cole cole cole cole cole. Nothing. The templar was back with his horse as well, giving her a relatively friendly nod. 

“Evenin, needed to stop thought it was the safest place ya know, being that you lot are pretty wonderful and all that malarky.” She hammed it up as he came to a stop at the roadside next to her.

“Times are getting dangerous. Where are you going to?”

“South Reach, from Redcliffe, I was given a tip that they were looking for a herbalist.” She pulled out some royal elfroot out of her pack. “I wasn’t going to make it before nightfall.”

“Perhaps if you’d carried on earlier.” But then she wouldn’t have been able to try and summon Cole who was not playing ball, maybe he wasn’t even here yet.

“A strong lad like you, would but my poor feet have been aching for the last day, I needed the break.” She winked at him.

“Will you be needing a cot for the night?” He was looking at her dubiously.

“I slept the last few nights under trees, I’ll be fine another night. Wouldn’t want to intrude on important business you lot do.” Although maybe he would hear her inside. But then they might think she was up to something dodgy… 

“There’s a cart heading to South Reach in the morning, if you wait next to the road I’ll tell them to expect you.” He’d bought it. Still no Cole.

There was no Cole on her return either, the cart had been polite enough to bring her back. She’d feigned surprise when South Reach claimed that they didn’t need her services. Some misty eyes, and an exchange of goods for the few herbs she had on her, and it wasn’t a complete waste of time.

“Thanks Sam,” She hopped off at the roadside, with a cheery wave.

“I can ask if they’re looking for more help?” Sam had been pleasant if a little monotonous.

“I can’t ask you to put yourself out like that, the lift was more than enough.” And she really didn’t want to get stuck and then die in a horrific red lyrium nightmare.

“Take care of yourself, and thanks for the potion.” He tipped his hat, he didn’t seem too upset by her refusal.

“No worries at all, I just like to help people ya know, like I’m a compassionate kinda person, always looking out for others. Even if it’s just gifting some cole.” He waved slightly confused as she headed back to the main crossroads.

“You say you want to help people, but you didn’t warn him?” She didn’t jump as the object of her desire appeared next to her.

“I don’t know when it’s going to happen, he has a good job, paid well to run a cart between places. Who's to say he’ll even still be here come the time happening?” She reached out to tuck her arm through Cole’s, tugging him into her side.

“You didn’t warn anyone?”

“True, because it might not even happen, and it would do no good right?” He stared at her underneath the ridiculous hat. “Anyway, I need you to start properly helping, I’ve been looking for you.”

“People don’t look for me.”

“By and large, people don’t look beyond the tips of their noses. You can see what I see though, can’t you?” She thought hard about solving all the little problems for all the little people.

“You do want to help people?” 

“And with your help, I don’t need to blow everything up to do it.” She patted him on the arm. “I tell you what, how about a trial period, we can go around doing things. When the time comes that you might want to break away, I agree that I won’t hold any grudges?” That and she was fairly sure the Inquisition would pick the Templar strand due to overall sentiment to them. They would probably, definitely need him. She wasn’t sure if by him accepting she should tell him she was a dead woman walking. Eh, he could read her for that, she was happy to assign it to the world at large to decide if he would.

“Where do we start?” Cole seemed to be radiating happy puppy energy, if he had a tail it would be wagging.

“Well… What do you know about the current King of Ferelden?” She started, the heavy bag on her shoulder feeling much lighter now she had a credible chance of trolling the hell out of everyone.

“You want to help the little people by helping the King?” 

“Happy King, happy court, happy court, happyish clerks and followers and so on and so on. But mainly, all I really want to do for me, at the end of all this helping is to have a small place to call my own. I dream of opening a shop, in the middle of the mountains, where I have all sorts of things to sell. So we help the King, and hopefully, eventually, he’ll gift me the land.” And the huge fort on there too, that was probably and hopefully abandoned.

_Dear Alistair Therin,_

_You don’t know me - what a way to start a letter. Anyway, just a heads up, you need to keep an eye on your wardens - also if you have an actual in with Weisshaupt you should warn them too… There is a nasty ass demi archdemon called Corypheus who you lot (Weisshaupt) had locked up. He isn’t any more - I know right! Anyway, he’s going to trick a load of you with a false calling - you went through the first one (well not the first but you know what I mean) it shouldn’t be the same. Anyway, he’s going to trick the French warden lady into dealing with demons to wipe out the darkspawn forever - its a really really bad idea. You should stop that. Marbel? Babel? Anyway, yeah bad times happen. Oh also there is a dude north of the crossroads pretending to be Blackwall - he was supposed to be a warden recruit then Blackwall died I know - fucking hell right. You should like get him, before he cons people into using the treaties and upsetting lots of people._

_In other news - you need to go save your mum in Redcliffe, she’s an elf called Fiona - big news - anyway rescue her at all costs. You can say a prayer or whatever in my name afterwards. Weep and shit over my grave - talk to Cole who dropped this letter off, he will be your biggest ally._

_Uh, other shit you should know about - you don’t really care about Orlais - it’s a massive waste of time. But you should offer aid to Carver Hawke in Kirkwall - he’s a good Ferelden lad, the Champions younger and more rational brother._

_Um… Oh, and there is an old god pretending to be a hedge mage called Solas plotting the downfall of everyone - and the Qun will try and invade - talk to the crow Zevvy baby, and get on that._

_Think that's it - I sent a letter to Varric and Leliana too, yeah I know._

_Oh also - guessing the Hero of Ferelden slept with Morrigan - she had his kid, he’s a god baby - his granny Flemeth (who is really Mythal - speak to an elfy elf - hey your mum talk to mum) will steal the god baby from him but the kid will be k._

_Anyway, gutted I didn’t get to “meet” you._

_Pile of treasure buried - ask Cole, I move it a lot. Use it for whatevs. Oh and there is a cheese shield in the Crestwood, Cole should know where it is, and he’ll know where all the cool warden shit your mates just left wherever like giant fucking losers who can’t hold on to anything._

_Jen Her’ald aka Kaylee xoxoxoxox_

_Leliana - I’m dead not blackmail._

_We haven’t met, which is a good thing, because I wouldn’t have been able to write this down before you killed me._

_Anyway, blah blah blah Lady Cecilie Vasseur, Oisine, Marjolaine, Tug and Sketch. Right glad we got all that bullshit over with. You have a turd in the punchbowl, or will do._

_Somethings going to happen - the sky is going to break, and you are going to lose pretty much everything. You can try and stop it, but if watching Doctor Who has taught me anything fixed points and all that. Anyway, something is going to stumble out of the chaos with a shiny hand. I say thing because it’s going to be male or female, and from there it;s going to be either a human noble Trevilyan or something, a dwarf Carta called Cadash, an elf I think second called lavellin or a qunari merc called Adaar. They might be a rogue, a mage or a warrior - who the fuck knows. Anyway, you need them alive, Cassandra will no doubt try and kill them._

_There is going to be a mage who turns up called Solas - you need him for about three days. Or four, anyway - after that you need to dispose of him. He is the one who caused it all, and Corypheus, messing about with shit. Just kill him, as soon as the hand is stable and the bearer is awake for the second time. You won’t need him after that point, until that point you do._

_Corypheus is going to be a massive pain in the backside. After you solidify the power base with the probably Templars and close the hole in the sky - you are going to be invaded it’s going to be a massacre. Fixed point - it’s going to happen. You can prepare though, it’s going to be blizzard conditions - warm fucking clothes - rations, and there will be a map provided by Cole it will lead you to safety._

_Shits happening, you can’t stop it. You can only prepare._

_Kill Solas._

_Jen Her’ald._

_Dear Varric,_

_You don’t know me - thank fuck, otherwise I’d be in one of your shitty books because you only write about people you know. Uh I mean - hi, you don’t know me but I need to share some stuff with you._

_I’m dead - so you know I’m not about to blackmail you. Bianca Davri - I’m dead not a blackmail attempt - she went to investigate that Thaig you found the red lyrium in. You have a turd in the punchbowl. You need to handle it - Valammar hinterlands, write to her and tell her to get her finger out of her backside._

_Uh - in other news - look after Carver he’ll need it. Sebastian is going to try and invade Kirkwall - buy him so goddamn siege weaponry and maybe a private army of his own. I included a couple of designs of shit to be mass-marketed and sold - if you take advantage Cole will kill you - Cole delivered the message._

_Uh - oh so Cassandra Pentaghast is going to kidnap you to join the Inquisition, if you want your next bestseller just volunteer. It’ll be far easier. She’s going to lose someone she cares deeply about so if you did want to hop on that tall glass of angry be nice. Um - Solas is an old god, and Corypheus is back. Neither is a good thing but you’ll need Solas to at least stabilise the shitty hand thing in the beginning._

_Think that's everything - oh shit yeah, Hawke’s going to potentially end up stuck in the fade - at Adamant you need to make sure you are all carrying fuck tons of bombs and potions to kill the Nightmare Demon - ask Anders._

_Peace out_

_Jen Her’ald_

_P.s. you may have noticed that you have no upgrades for that Bianca you carry about - I bought them all, you’ll need to ask Cole nicely as to where I hid them.  
_

(Included is an underwired bra, a swiss army knife and diagram of a screw)


	2. The greatest plan ever.

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Our heroine has her new best friend. Together they are going to right the wrongs of this country. Or she's going to cause as much havoc as she can in the name of profit. Either way, they are helping someone.

They got to work straight away, flowers delivered to a grave to save an old mans legs. Cole liked that. They fixed a couple of fence posts, he liked that, especially when she’d pointed out that it would stop the druffalo from escaping over and over again. He’d frowned when she had suggested they just came back later and take it for themselves. Kidnapping druffalo - not something that Cole liked. 

The shards she was looking for, she couldn’t see them. Cole though, after she described them, and then taken him to each place that she knew for definite where they were… Well, she now had a large stash of the odd things she couldn’t see that weighed the cart down if nothing else. She wasn’t entirely sure what she was going to do with them. She just wanted to get them before the Inquisition could. Or more, before Solas spotted the little buggers.

“If we drain the dam now it will wake up the dragon.” They’d been having the conversation for weeks. She knew there were treasures to be found down in the caves, and the only way to get at them was to drain the lake. Cole wasn’t convinced by her argument.

“The dragon will eat people.” He repeated for the third time that hour. She did understand that, but each time he mentioned it she felt a little more guilty.

“I have a plan for that.” She did, it wasn’t the greatest plan, and it wasn’t guaranteed to work either, but she had a plan. “Look, just think if we break in and drain it now, then we can put all those people to rest before the breach happens!” 

The mayor hadn’t been happy when the lake had drained away, nor when corpses appeared up at the shoreline in a huge funeral pyre. Cole had insisted on pulling all of the corpses out from the caves to be laid to rest. She wasn’t arguing, the caves had been a treasure trove. She’d left the evidence of the Mayor's misdoings in his cabin, it wasn’t her problem. 

The dragon was much more of an issue. There was a tiny part of her that regretted the plan from the moment they’d tried to dope the druffalo. She’d lost her second-best cart, it had been her best cart until the village had gifted her a new one. And by gifted, she’d given them a bill, of a cart and sleeping potions for killing the dragon. They'd paid surprisingly quickly, and even helped her with aftermath.

It wasn’t massively fair fight. The dragon was… not completely at it’s best as she’d left a doped up meal for it of a small herd of druffalo. Her and Cole had waited for the beast to fall asleep, and then snuck up, and fed the thing bombs. It had left a crater the size of well… Dragon pond was the new fun play area for the local youths to go make out.

The Cheese Shield was the first gift for the King, sent via courier with a note _“I heard you like cheese, Jen Her’ald”_. It was the first of many gifts. She’d been surprised to find that no one had been back to Ostagar, although not as surprised when she’d had to use a liberal amount of bombs and Cole to destroy some lingering menaces.

_“Was passing through Ostagar - threats currently clear, you should go, Jen Her’ald, p.s. hid the important stuff for you, check under joining place xxx”_ Cole had looked at her oddly when she’d very carefully wrapped up what she was hoping was Duncan’s stuff. 

“The King likes cheese, the Hero of Ferelden, Duncan and the Wardens. I don’t know how to get him the second, but the rest we can help with, and then he’s going to give us my Little Shop of Gods n Sods.” The shop name had gone through various iterations.

“Are we going to warn everyone about the sky?” Cole asked again.

“How about I send a letter?” She smiled at him, he’d broken into several places without issue that she was prepared to blow up, their partnership was working incredibly well so far.

“We should go and see them.” She wasn’t as sure about that, not in the slightest.

“But Leliana will just want to lock me up and use me for my knowledge and then who can I help?” Or Cassandra, or pretty much anyone who would then accuse her of all sorts of crap.

“I will protect you.”

“Or we could just avoid all of that and not put ourselves in any unnecessary danger?” He gave her a dubious look.

“You didn’t say that when we killed the dragon?” Damn his puppy eyes and occasional logic.

“But that was to save lots of peoples lives, the dragon would have eaten them all…” She stared at him in horror as he beamed. He’d tricked her. 

“I am just a simple herbalist looking to offer my aid to the Temple of Andraste.” She was so reluctant, it was the worst idea she had ever come up with. Technically she hadn’t, it was Cole’s idea. There was nothing other than a few people building small huts, and what would turn into the tavern at some point. They were turned away. She had never been more relieved in her unlife.

“Well, we tried. I did leave them a note though.” A _“don’t put all your eggs in one basket”_ note. But it counted.

“Oh, so do you fancy breaking into an ancient temple to Mythal?” Cole was happy to walk swinging hands, because she enjoyed it.

“They will be able to see me.”

“That’s fine, although if they try and kill me, then more of an issue, but not a massive one. You remember where I put all the notes to send to people?” She’d written war and peace. A detailed up to date map of where things were currently buried, the notes of what should happen and about when.

“The King, the dwarf and the devil,” Cole repeated for her.

“And who do we not tell?” She gave him an encouraging smile.

“The old wolf.”

“Exactly, in the event that I die before I get to torment him to the end of his nerves?”

“Then I copy out the pictures you drew and put them places?” It was something he wasn’t as keen on, even after she’d explained that the wolf would be doing the opposite of helping people.

“And what else?”

“I don’t listen to him, and don’t let him bind me, because I am perfect in every way and at no point should I be worried about being bound?” Cole beamed at her, she’d spent a long time explaining in detail why he was wonderful and lovely. Even with the whole murder thing he had going for him.

“I meant more about him, but that works.”

“I tell everyone that his favourite drink is tea, and that he’ll just pretend it isn’t?”

“And if you can’t be seen for whatever reason, you leave notes for people.”

They’d started to come across more Warden items left in random places that she was still trickling through to the King, _“Saw this, thought of you, Jen Her’ald xxxxx”_ and _“I was thinking hadn’t sent you anything in a while, have a wooden sword, Jen Her’ald xxxxxxxxxxx”_. Cole had taken the sword, dropping it on the throne and then watching after she whined about not knowing if her plan was working.

“He thinks that you are courting him.” Well… Wasn’t that a thing. She wasn’t, although… 

“What does he look like?” There were few times that Cole looked uncomfortable, this was one of them.

“He looked like himself.”

“Huh… Did he look interested?”

“He liked the cheese.”

“Do you think he’ll be ready to meet us when the time comes?” She had a plan, another not particularly well thought out plan, but she was hoping it would pan out.

“He would meet you now?” Well, of course he would, she’d sent him tons of gifts and helped him bury his ghosts. She needed him to want to meet her when the sky was torn asunder. 

“Well, let's just hope for the best!” If nothing else, she’d get Cole to drop off the letter with the “rescue your mother if nothing else you big idiot” message, if he didn’t bite the line.

The secret temple of ancient elves and bullshit was… Well it helped that Cole was there. She wasn’t sure if she would have found it without him, or survived to pay “homage” alive. The patterns were basic, unlike the weapons drawn on them both.

“Look, blah blah blah, you are Abelas and we are intruding. But basically what I want to know is can you move the well?” They couldn’t. “How about hiding it?” They hadn’t been happy about her suggestion of moving the mirror either. 

“Yo, Abelas my old friend, who will have to deal with so much bullshit in a few years?” She batted her eyelashes at him, he didn’t seem to pay much attention. “So, the daughter of the woman hosting Mythal thinks that there are ways to different worlds… Do you know how to navigate it?” Because it was worth a shot.

Cole seemed to think that they probably did. Or that's what he told her. She was aware that sometimes… just sometimes, Cole told her outright lies to make her feel better. 

“By the way, Fen I’m a world-destroyer wolf god is probably awake. He’s going to cause the destruction of Mythal’s temple and then kill her to steal her power. And then he’s going to be super irritating and tell you that there are other places for people like you. But yeah, just a heads up. Also if you do want to like, get rid of the mirror I am planning on stealing Skyhold and turning it into a giant fuck you.” They’d even allowed them to remove a couple of items, including one of the smaller giant wolves that they lifted into the cart. 

“If you fancy pissing all over his parade feel free to hit me up, oh and do what you like with the knowledge.” She was happy enough to drop the bombs of truth and fuck off before dealing with the consequences. They would know where to find her if they needed her. Once she conned herself a nice big fort.

They’d spent three days outside of Skyhold trying to find the controls to lower the drawbridge. 

“Look can’t you just bampf over there?” she asked Cole for the sixth time. It took another two days to wait for him to clamber down and then cross and back up. She was pretty glad that it wasn’t her, as one of them had to wait with the cart with a big wolf statue and some actual supplies. 

She was busy eating an apple, sharing it with the nag when the bridge came shuddering down.

“Is it safe to cross?”

“The wood is happy to see the sky again.” 

“Does that mean it’s going to fall to pieces as soon as we set off?” Sometimes Cole’s answers weren’t always helpful.

“It promises to support the weight of the stone.” Good enough, and it did, there was some settling as the cart rolled fully onto the thick bridge, that had the nag pick up speed for the first time in weeks.

“We need a new cart…” There was no way they were going to get the statue out by themselves. The new shop though, it had a lot of potential. 

“This is where I ask to stay and they say yes,” Cole was crouched down at the bottom of steps, staring at the space in wonder. She didn’t have the heart to say that they might not.

“Things will be a little different.” She had big plans for the place. Great plans that involved paint, and a dangling Cole.

“The dragon?” Cole had been getting concerned about the dragon in the Hinterlands, she didn’t know why, but it was bothering him.

“How about we write to the King, and invite him to a Dragon hunt?” Then she could accidentally introduce him to his mother and cut off all the crap and get the official sign off to Skyhold before the whole thing even kicks off properly. 

_“So, you’ve probably been missing my letters and gifts - don’t worry I still live! Although have some shinies to add to the orphans and widows fund you have going because what a great guy, right. Anyway, new gift - I killed one dragon up in Crestwood, you maybe heard about it - oh wait, I sent you a load of dragon scale and shit, sorry about the head, I have that as a trophy. Well there is another one, and this time I thought you might want to join in? We can fight over the head, I joke, whoever gets the killing blow…”_ she looked up at Cole who was busy placing health potions in the houses of the village they were collecting more supplies from.

_“So fancy it? Meet you at Redcliffe and then we can go kill the dragon before it has too many babies, I can share my foolproof way of killing them.”_ She paused, sucking on the end of the quill, was that an actual lie? _“So how’s about it King stud? You, me and a dragon, for the equinox?”_ that would give him enough time. _“I’ll be the one wearing a yellow flower stuck in my top pocket, and you’ll be the one wearing the crown, or eating a block of cheese.”_ She could just pretend she didn’t kiss if he was actually eating cheese. _“Your number one fan and supporter, Jen Her’ald. xoxoxo”_ Cole had found some stray gems in a manor that were just going begging, once she’d stuffed them into a pouch with some fine silky knickers that she could imagine Alistair blushing over as he opened… well if that didn’t work she wasn’t sure what would.

“Cole my love?” He was gone before she’d finished explaining what she needed.

_Hey Ali baby, it’s your old pal Jen Her’ald,_

_I mean gutted didn’t get to meet you but you know how it goes, you troll along nicely and then you die - Cole who delivered this will tell you how. Hopefully it’s fucking epic and not totally lame. Anyway, so… no more cool gifts - well thats not true. I get to lay down a load of truth bombs - pew pew pew, and Cole will tell you where the rest of the treasure is. We are still deciding if it should be an epic treasure hunt - ask Cole he can tell you._

_Uh so, big news, you need to go find your mum in Redcliffe, the skys going to break thanks to Corypheus - speak to Weisshaupt about him, but really you should be proper angry the fuckers were messing about with shit. It’s a false calling - yay. Uh, but the Orlais lot think it’s real and are going to be utter pricks. You should talk to Inq about helping or whatever. Hey you are King - up to you right._

_Solas is an old god, - they’ll need him for precisely one thing, to show the herald how to use the anchor - after that you can just get rid if you know what I mean._

_I think thats it really - uh there is a titan awake in the deeproads which is pretty cool but you won’t be allowed to go being king and all._

_Cole pretty much knows everything you can talk to him._

_I’m massively pissy about not getting to meet you, but thems the breaks._

_Jen Her’ald aka Kaylee xoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxox_

_P.s. You should keep in touch with Carver Hawke in Kirkwall - oh and the Qun are like totally going to try and invade during a big get together but then they’ll pretend it’s just like one branch - the winter palace thing like three years time. Talk to Zev._


	3. Who are you?

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> What's a girl to do in a place like Redcliffe? Scheme, scheme her little heart out aided ably by Cole the friendly spirit.

“That’s very colourful if you don’t mind me saying, Miss.” The merchant in Redcliffe was looking at the bolts of vibrant colours dubiously. She thought they were perfect for making a statement. “Are you sure you want all of them?”

“I have just found myself a new home and want to decorate it.” By throwing plaid weave down the sides of the ramparts when the Inquisition would invariably turn up. He’d still sold it to her after she’d dumped a lot of coin on the counter. It was amazing how much was just lying about the place when Cole went looking.

“It’ll take time to get the quantity you want in, mayhaps a month?” She had time, the sky was still uncracked and a conclave hadn’t yet been called even if the rogue elements were making travel more difficult.

“More colourful the better.” It took longer to find someone to understand what she wanted in signage in comparison. And in the size she wanted.

“Like this Miss?” the carpenter had burnt the small opening hours sign as a prototype.

“Yes, but bigger, like a lot bigger. My height, and my arm width, and another about the no timewasters the same size. And then I need an open and closed sign on a spinner thing that you could read from here to the castle. So big. Like very big.” It had taken five attempts of sizing before she was happy. The OPEN sign had a movable N so it could move to NOPE after they agreed that she wouldn’t actually be able to spin an open and closed sign that size.

“If I was to pay you to transport it?” She tried her luck. He wouldn’t but she did manage to wrangle a second or really third cart, and a couple of apprentice shop keepers for when everything was ready to be shipped back. 

“He’s very excited,” She bet he was. She’d spotted his cousin in the village sulking near the docks, which was good because she was fairly sure Fiona would be about too.

“Is he coming?” Excited was one thing, but the courts wouldn’t be too keen on him going off to fight a dragon either.

“They agreed after he showed them the gifts. They want to meet you too and try and get you to pay for new roads.” She didn’t care about that, it was all going to shit anyway, what she wanted was to get her shop on paper before anyone could steal it from her. 

“So is he bringing anyone?” Like a lady friend that was being kept quiet, or a man friend.

“There will be a group of knights coming.” 

“Is he sleeping with anyone?” She waggled her eyebrows at her favourite rogue.

“Pebbles,” Pebbles sounded like a classy person, she wasn’t too worried.

She’d definitely spotted Fiona, having hung about Redcliffe long enough. Cole was quite pleased about the whole thing, especially after they’d started chatting with some of the Tranquil about libraries.

“So what I want is the foremost erotic library outside of the Randy Dowager archives.” She was perched on one of the tavern tables, chatting in great detail with the tranquil spokesperson.

“I have maybe four bookcases of them, but we’ll be sending out all over Thedas for more including Tevinter and I heard that we might even be able to get some Qunari works.” The barkeep was glaring as she kept banging her heels on the chairs. “So what do you think?”

“You will pay us for this service.”

“Of course, I want it to be a reputable service. We’ve been collecting some rare arcane shit too, but the jewel is going to be the erotica.” She just needed the paper to say it was definitely hers.

“How many do you want to employ?”

“As many as you want. I’ve plenty of space, and there are lots of potential job openings. At least with you guys and gals I know I won’t be being cheated.” And they wouldn’t be lured into giving away stuff with a sob story.

“We will return to you for numbers.” That was all she wanted. Cole had found a big pile of gold just lying about, that would be snaffled into the carts in the dead of night on leaving day. They had a whole schtick now where he would take the pile but leave enough to scatter on rags and boxes to make it look the same. Or until they were long gone. The best bit was, they were sort of helping people, ish. Enough that he was happy about it.

“Say who’s that?” She pointed at Fiona, as she walked in with one of the other older mages.

“Enchanter Fiona,” the barmaid answered, brushing off the mud the boots had left on the seat of the chair.

“She looks very familiar,” from there on it was the odd comment around town. Then Cole started whispering in peoples ears, around pictures of the King, until it became a full-blown rumour.

“He’s here,” Cole popped up next to her, bouncing happily as she was busy pulling flowers to find a yellow one from the weeds on the roadside. Maybe she should have just left it as a flower, not a specific colour.

“Wonderful, how does he look?”

“Like himself.”

“Fair enough, and does he have a happy face?”

“He had the badge pinned under his cloak.” That was definitely something, she thought he’d like that one. She had a Griffon Feather to give him, and the maps of the deep roads which she’d paid a Tranquil to copy for her. Because while she was generous and kind and loving, she wanted one for just in case. 

She had the Warden tome back at her new shop, that once she’d gotten a couple of copies of she’d hand over too. 

He was wearing the crown, and her knees trembled, he’d aged well. 

“He’s not alone,” Cole whispered in her ear as she brushed down the tightly cinched dress, that hid a multitude of sins. “A crow lurks in the trees watching,” ooooh Zevran, she would have to start a list.

“How do I look?” She hadn’t put the flower in her top yet, she wasn’t sure why she was waiting. Nerves. Had to be nerves, she was going to get him to sign a piece of paper that would give her her own shop. And then she was going to screw his brains out.

“You look like yourself, but cleaner.” She’d take it.

“Here goes nothing.” Cole looked confused, “As in, now I’m going to try out the plan and hope for the best,” She patted him on the cheek gently. Flower in place she strode confidently down from the ruined windmill as if she hadn’t been lurking there for a while.

“Jen? Jen Her’ald?” She couldn’t help it, this was the only time she could pretend that she had no idea who he was even though his picture was everywhere and he was wearing the crown.

“I’m sorry, have we met?” There was a snort from behind her, “I mean you look familiar, do you have relatives in town?” Fuck he was cute as a button, very climbable.

“Why are you pretending not to know him?” Cole was balancing on the wall staring at her. Most of the time she liked being the only one who he appeared to, and she did appreciate him not saying it so everyone could hear.

“You wrote to me? Sent me hundreds of gifts and practically begged for me to meet you here?” She was pleased to see he took the joke well.

“Oooh, explains the crown. Though I’m not sure I begged, I just found a dragon and thought I would share the glory…” and the risk, if this dragon was resistant to doped up rams and bombs.

“I mean, as soon as I take it off no one knows who I am.” He winked at her, offering her his arm.

“I can imagine, I mean you all look the same.” She took it daintily, shifting her brand new multicoloured umbrella to the other shoulder. She was very pleased with the look, she had been going for Kaylee in the pilot episode, and other than the lack of a jumpsuit, she’d gotten pretty close.

“Men?”

“Warriors, all strong and confident.” Her fingers squeezed slightly testing the firmness, he flexed just a touch, and she bit down on her tongue so as not to squeal.

He was the almost perfect gentleman, and not just because she’d been throwing things to lure him in.

“He thinks you are funny and delicious.” Cole was her bro, her absolute bro. “The Crow is wondering what you want from him.” She could hardly say sex and a shop.

“So tell me about yourself, how did you manage to stumble over so many interesting things?” They’d “managed” to get a table in the Inn. The tranquil she’d been dealing with was lingering in the corner, meaning he probably had the information she wanted.

“Would you mind?” She gave Alistair her best I’m an innocent and sweet girl smile. 

“How could I say no.” There was another snort in the background, it was clear someone in his entourage thought that she was pushing her luck. She was, but he didn’t seem to mind.

“We have twenty who are willing to go under the terms, with more who will follow if reports back are favourable.” She spat on her hand and held it out.

“Deal, probably have about two weeks before we are ready to go? I have a couple of things left to do and then I’ll be ready to go back.” She rubbed her hand clean on the back of her dress, walking back to perch on the table next to a very amused looking King.

“Important business?”

“Well… That depends, I might have just agreed to something I can’t follow through on.” She decided to go for broke. “See, I may have stumbled on the perfect location for a shop.” She put her fingers up to snag the barmaid, “Two drinks - I’ll take an ale and the King will take an ale too.” He grinned leaning back in the chair.

“So far I’ve learnt that you do important business, spit on your hands and order for people.” 

“I also find cool and fun things for people to do. Like killing big dragons, this will be my second, so does that bring me one up on you?” She winked, dipping her pinky finger into the ale and lapping it clean. 

“This will be my fifth.” His drink was tasted by one of his entourage before he was allowed to sip it.

“Overachiever.”

“Well you know, one has to have some bad habits in life.” She couldn’t help but laugh.

“Well, in that case, you no doubt have your own method of dealing with them and I can just follow your lead.” They had an honest to Cole moment, where he waggled his eyebrows and she snorted ale out of her nose. 

“So tell me more about this perfect location for a shop you might not be able to follow through on.” After she’d mopped up with the bottom of her robe the spilt ale.

“Well… It’s high up in the mountains away from everywhere. We found it, it was abandoned, I’ve had signs done and I have staff…”

“I sense a but coming,”

“I need someone to sign a bit of paper saying that it’s mine.” 

“Someone say like a King?”

“I mean, I would write it myself, but then I’d have to get a seal made and I can’t decide on a design.” There was a pause as he narrowed his eyes.

“How long have you had this shop for?”

“I was sending you things way before we found it, it’s more a happy coincidence. Also, I could totally just have made up my own official-looking paperwork, you aren’t the only one I send stuff too, just the prettiest.”

“I mean I am known as the prettiest King this side of Orlais.” He flagged down for another ale, which was tested again, whilst she necked hers almost straight away. “So, if I do sign something?”

“Put it this way, you won’t have anyone banging on the door asking why you’ve given away their ancestral home.” Because the idiot couldn’t without revealing shit he wouldn’t want to, she was home free. Short of being assassinated, but thems the breaks.

“I tell you what…” He trailed off as Fiona walked in, with everyone suddenly staring at the two of them.

“Isn’t that like your mum?” Cole had whispered into someones ear who blurted it out loudly. She loved Cole so much.

“I mean you do look alike.” They didn’t really, but having had the rumours peculate around Redcliffe for the last couple of weeks, that was all that needed to be said as Alistair looked gobsmacked. Fiona didn’t seem to know where to look, which proved to be as good as an admission for everyone else.

“Look, it looks like you’ve got a lot on your plate, how about you deal with the long lost relative aspect, and we meet up in a couple of days?” She leaned forward to brush her lips against his cheek. “Think of this as an extra gift.” 

How she managed to escape without being stabbed in the back, she was just going to thank Cole. It was the only real explanation for her continued survival.

“The crow has followed.” He whispered in her ear, as she practically skipped up to healers cabin that she was staying at. They got on reasonably well, and it saved her from having to worry about noise from the tavern.

He didn’t approach, and she was pretty happy to snuggle down under the blankets for the night, Cole made a damn good watchdog. She had been watched most of the night though. 

“The crow has retreated but a tainted rogue has taken his place.” That was either a dorf or a human. “Human, noble, Nathaniel.” She loved Cole to pieces. “I love you too,” he hugged her as she pulled on her awesome robes again.

“How do I look?” She asked, twirling on the spot spinning the umbrella so it spiralled in colours.

“Shiny,”

“Shiny.” She sighed happily, today would be a good day.

Another day spent pottering and organising supplies. The material was finally in, and it was glorious and eye-blinding. Sera would love it, and Leliana would hate it, it was perfect. The signs were spot on too, and she paid extra for the good work, and to make sure they would load up the carts for her. It was fun not worrying about money.

“You want how much sleep tonic?” Her landlady was giving her odd looks.

“Three barrels full.” She was getting used to dubious looks now.

“What strength?”

“To put a dragon to sleep.” She already had the bombs prepared, it had taken her a while to get enough of them together with the shrapnel that would explode when sparked. She couldn’t remember what type of dragon this was, but it didn’t really matter, she was planning on setting fire to it anyway.

“It’s fine you can trust her,” Cole whispered in the healer's ear. “They are watching more closely now,” She wasn’t surprised, that amount of sleep tonic she could put half the region to sleep.

“I solemnly swear that I am only going to use it to dope up a load of rams and then feed them to a dragon so as to make it safe to kill.” Other than the exploding shrapnel not that the last lot had burst through the body. 

Another day, and a knock at the door. A messenger, a scroll and a beaming Cole. The messenger looked mortified as she squealed, grabbed him by the arms and span round dancing and laughing. He’d bloody done it, he was an absolute superstar.

“If I’d known that was the response…” He appeared behind them as she pressed a smacking big kiss on the messenger's forehead after they’d claimed to be dizzy.

“You wonderful man!” 

“You haven’t even opened it yet.” 

“Well either I’ve just embarrassed myself for no reason…” she could hardly confess she had Cole the friendly spirit who gave her the nod.

“Well, as you have given so freely, it felt churlish to not offer aid. After all, choosing a design for a seal is tiresome.” She threw a hand against her forehead in a mock wilt.

“My liege, you are a truly wondrous specimen to save me from such horrors. Now I can sleep easy in the knowledge I’ve not just hired a small army to set up a shop that I don’t have any paperwork to say I own it.” Not that it would have been a massive issue. She hadn’t been lying about the just making her own paperwork up. The signs would give her claims weight, as would the drawn up drawbridge with her on the inside.

“I’ve heard rumours that you plan on putting the dragon to sleep?” He looked amused, as she grinned, still clutching the scroll to her chest.

“It worked the first time, though this time we won’t be using druffalo because they are heavy buggers they really are. It was a hell of a job trying to load up my cart with them, - I’ll need another cart balls. Anyway, so what the amazing plan is, we feed a lot of rams - and it is going to be a lot of rams because the things been hatching eggs too… Anyway we feed the rams, we set them loose in the dragon hunting ground, we wait for it to eat them, we go in, and using some special dragon killing weapons…” shrapnel bombs, “we kill it.” 

“I heard that the last one you killed left quite the impression.” She couldn’t help but cackle, all he needed was some sunglasses, and to put his hands on his hips. The tone though, had been almost spot on.

“Well, if you think you can kill it before it wakes up great, but if not I would advise running away as fast as you can in plate.” She gave him an appraising look, she had no doubts he’d get a wriggle on when needed.


	4. Dragon be gone

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> How to kill a dragon, with Not Jen and Cole.

“You just wanted me here to help you move all of this lot,” Alistair was grinning as she was sat on the back of the nag watching the rest of them flexing and straining humping rams onto the back of the cart. 

“I mean, can you blame me?” there was a droplet of sweat that was just calling to be touched rolling down his incredibly crafted muscled chest. “Anyway, you didn’t have to, that's what the minions are for.” Who looked not one bit happy about having to heft the heavy dead creatures into the cart. 

It was the best plan, they’d spent a day catching the beasts, force-feeding them potions and then snapping their necks. It also helped to bond more with the King who was split between the castle, his mother and his uncle. Cole had warned her that she was constantly being followed by the Crow and his friend.

“It won’t be a fair fight.” Alistair pointed out, she was also sure it wasn’t fair how he was flexing when he didn’t need to. She had a fire in her pants and he was very much aware of it.

“He wants to taste, but the crow is suspicious.” Brole had her back.

“I mean, when I fought the first it wasn’t either, but then I thought to myself, if I don’t kill this beast -” she pondered mentioning why she felt guilty about just leaving it alone to feast on the villagers and then thought better of it.

“Everything alright?” Even his back was defined, how was he still unhitched at this stage.

“Like I was saying, if I didn’t kill that first one, then it would’ve killed me. You use the skills at your disposal, mine just happen to be poaching skills. Not that I would ever poach.” Or she didn’t think she had yet, she’d not met anyone's games keeper at any rate. She hadn’t druffalo-napped either and she could have without any issue, other than Cole’s blatant disapproval. She also didn’t want to point out this poaching knowledge had come via a children's novel she couldn’t quite remember the name of, and it was for catching pheasants or pigeons or something. But it had worked the first time.

“The ram don’t actually belong to you,” Alistair pointed out dryly.

“But you are the King, so if they belong to anyone, eventually it would be you. And you’re the one who is loading them up into the cart.” She grinned as he laughed loudly at her. She wasn’t that funny, she knew it, but he was definitely keen and going about it in the right way.

“He’s very worried.” Brole - Cole, whispered to her as they crept across the clearing to the very asleep dragon. She could believe it, he’d looked horrified as she’d told him she just needed to check first, using her _special_ power. The power of a shrapnel grenade bag, that bit she hadn’t shared.

“They want to rush over, they are waiting for him to let them.” That was more of an issue, at this distance, if the dragon wasn’t fully asleep it could toast her in moments. She held her hand up and gestured for them to stay where they were. 

“The tainted one has an arrow on you, to kill should the dragon wake up.” That was nice of him, at least someone had worked out that being eaten or burnt alive by a dragon would really hurt.

Dragon breath was not good, it was not good at all. On a scale of 1-10 with 1 being cheese and 10 being mint, it was about a 3. Although the longer she stayed it was getting better. It took a concerted effort to rub the side of its jaw like a cat, until it opened it’s mouth to lick its scaly lips. 

“He’s going to kill you,” She stared at Cole, who? Who was going to kill her? “The King,” oh that was fine, she thought it was the dragon, “No she’s a female dragon,” thanks Cole, now on the count of 3, 2, 1 - she rubbed the jaw again, with Cole throwing her bag in as soon as it’s mouth opened.

It choked, and for a horrible ten breaths, she thought it was going to sneeze it out, before it settled back down to steady breathing. Even Cole was staring with terrified eyes at the giant lizard who could eat them both in one mouthful. She was more concerned with being smacked by a bag of exploding shrapnel - that would not be a pleasant way to die.

Her heart in her mouth as they crept ever so slowly back, Cole clinging onto her hand, her pulse drowning out everything else.

“Uh so, still no idea what kind of dragon it is but… anyone got some fire magic or like electricity would probably do it. I left a surprise in the bag.” 

“I should put you over my knee and spank you for that stunt!” Alistair growled at her.

“Maybe later, but we need to deal with el draco over there first.” He choked, and the now very familiar snort echoed behind her.

“I can use ice sire,” One of the only none plate wearers piped up softly.

“Yeah, so… when I said fire or at a push electricity, it wasn’t that I was just asking for magic. Because I would have said magic, wouldn’t I. I want something that will cause a spark in the dragons mouth. I don’t want to freeze it and stop it from sparking.” Cole squeezed her hand in what she took was a don’t be mean to the little mage. Alistair was giving her an interesting look.

“He can’t decide if he wants to laugh or shout,” Cole mumbled, casting a very terrified look at the dragon.

“Alright, so no useful magic for this situation, how about a fire arrow?” She desperately wanted to look in the direction of the hidden tainted rogue. She could try and do it herself, but her aim was shonky at best. Cole was better up close and personal; she wasn’t going to ask him to get that close again.

“Thank you,” she squeezed his hand. 

“I’ll hold you to that,” Alistair whispered in her ear as he moved passed her to signal to someone in the trees, “On my mark, I need arrows focused on its face, we need to get it to open its mouth and then when the mouth is open.” Actual chills, she had actual chills as he was being all leaderly and masterful.

It took ten arrows to wake the beast, or maybe it was just that the tenth hit it in the eye, they scattered as it opened it’s mouth, the fire arrow unneeded. The fireball that Cole told her the dragon was trying to form, sparked the bag stuck at the back of its neck.

“RUN!” She screamed as there was a huge explosion, and its head flew off and into the air. “RUN RUN RUN RUN RUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUN!” Cole pulled her as fast as he could as the head almost hovered in the air before crashing down to the ground with an almighty thump, blood and brains splattering everything in a good hundred feet radius. 

“He’s going to spank you,” Cole told her in a trembly voice, good to know. She was in hysterics, giggling to herself like a madwoman. The other dragon had gone up a bit and then caused the crater beneath it, but then the other bombs had gone further into the stomach and not gotten caught partway. 

“He’s really going to spank you,” Cole was shaking her hand, as she couldn’t stop giggling, she’d passed the point where she was able to breathe properly. It had worked really well, so incredibly well, and the ones who hadn’t run fast enough were covered in it. Including Alistair, who looked like he was debating her fate. Eh, she could knock this off her bucket list, killed a dragon by decapitation in one go. Check. Got to see Alistair dripping in the blood of his enemies, check. 

“If you know rain mage, now would be a good time to use it,” she giggled as Alistair pointed a very bloody finger in her direction.

“You.”

“My liege, I did warn you that there may be running in plate involved.”

“He’s thinking about locking you up,” Cole stared at him, “with lots of spankings, and nakedness,” oooh Alistair. 

“Perhaps I should have waited to sign that piece of paper after all,” He mock growled as one of the squires ran up to him with a bucket of water that he just stared at.

“We killed it, or technically I think that counts as my killing blow, being that it was my special touch that killed it.” She wheezed as he threw the bucket over his head, the bits of viscera sluicing off him in a watery bloody mess.

Cole hadn’t let go of her hand in days, or it felt like days, it was merely hours. She didn’t mind so much, it wasn’t a bad thing, the constant pressure of having someone who needed her for comfort. She hadn’t felt that in years. She really did adore him.

“I adore you too,” 

Alistair had been too distracted by trying to organise his men into dealing with the rest of the dragonlings that they’d all crept passed to go kill the mother. Some of them had woken with the explosion and her subsequent screaming, and others from not actually being asleep and being summoned by the death of their Mare? Were female dragon mothers mares, whatever they were. 

He was looking very manly though, bouncing across the field in his bloody plate decapitating little dragonlings. Cole was busy keeping her company, whilst she was in the equivalent of Thedas time out. She wasn’t arguing, it was the reason, or one of the many she hadn’t attempted this alone. There would have been little chance of escaping alive, even after taking out the big one. 

“Uh - I think that’s a drake - sorry I meant two drakes!” She called helpfully from the middle of the field. There was a snort, the Crow, he liked to snort. 

“Sorry, I couldn’t see it through all the little ones,” Alistair yelled back at her.

“That’s what I thought, not to worry, I’m here to help!” 

“NO!” came the shout from several people as she reached into her bag. She had just been reaching for a health potion. Blow one high dragon up, and everyone just assumes that was the modus operandi.

“You do like blowing things up,” Cole murmured, he’d all but crawled onto her lap as one of the dragonlings screamed it’s death-throws.

“I do like blowing things up, but not when it’s like this, I like blowing things that don’t move. Like hillsides, caves, ore, corpses,” she stopped herself saying red lyrium, because she hadn’t yet found any, but when she did she was going to have fun.

“The Crow thinks you’re crazy, but in a fun way,” thanks Brole. “You’re welcome, you know I like to help,” she gave him a discrete hug that she was hoping would just look like her arms stretching.

“Having fun?” Alistair asked her, having dumped the body of the first drake by her feet, he looked like a cat bringing back a present. She couldn’t help but giggle.

“He’s a mabari,” Cole corrected helpfully. She preferred cats, but she could see it. 

“I got to kill a big dragon, and now I get to watch you work out.” She couldn’t help but let out a happy sigh as he winked.

“It’d be more impressive-” he stopped to charge across the field to where a dragonling had snuck up on the mage. 

“He thinks you would have been more impressed watching him fight the high dragon.” Cole continued for him. Maybe, but then she’d be worried about killing the King, and like, she was invested in him. “Even though he signed the paper?” 

The rescued mage was giving her odd looks as they were sent to stand in the safe zone with her. “You’re blushing,” Cole added. Yeah, that would do it.

“How much longer do you think?” She asked, deciding to just brazen it out.

“Are you getting bored?” Alistair asked, having returned with the other drake that he’d totally kill stole from one of his knights.

“Just concerned that we’ll not make it back by nightfall.” And even with her managing to avoid being covered in high dragon brains, the amount of splashing from dragonlings had made her skin feel sticky.

“You have some in your hair too,” Thanks Cole, she’d have to jump into a waterfall to clear that because she was not touching it herself. “I can help wash it,” awww thanks Cole.

She was right, it took a lot longer to make sure all of them were dead. Alistair was concerned. Probably rightly, she reluctantly admitted, that missing one might allow it to grow to be a menace.

They had agreed to share the bounty after he kindly offered to arrange for it to be stripped and separated off into useful parts. She wasn’t too upset by it, Cole had promised that no one had thoughts of shortchanging her. And she didn’t really have any use for it herself other than selling it on anyway. 

“I was thinking…” She was perched on the back of the nag as it dragged the cart laden down with small dragonlings to be taken back to Redcliffe.

“I already dread what,” Alistair grinned at her, the fifth bucket of water having cleared most of the blood away from his features. The remaining clinging in his lines made him look dangerously sexy, in her not unbiased opinion.

“How about I gift you my half of the dragon for the countries widows and orphans fund?” there was a pause as she was stared at. “What, I don’t actually need it, and you could do a lot with half a dragon I’ll bet.” And really she had one head, and this one didn’t even have that. “I just want a couple of its claws.” Cole had stolen all the intact teeth whilst they’d been distracted.

“You could make a fortune selling off your half.” Alistair was giving her the eye, “Don’t tell me, you have another building you need a signature for?”

“It was enough effort getting this one, but more I don’t need it. It just needed killing, and it was a fine excuse to have a shindig.” Cole was staring in the gloom at where she assumed one of the hidden guards lurked.

“And in return?”

“I tell you what, in return, you can come and cut the ribbon on my shop when it’s ready to be opened to the public.” He burst out laughing.

“That I can do, though you’ll need to speak with my Steward back in Denerim about potential diary conflicts.” 

“Oh, also I heard a rumour while I was trading for some material that there has been darkspawn sightings up by Valammar. You know the old deep roads entrance just north of the crossroads, and as you are in the area...” It wasn’t her most subtle. Cole had his hand on her shoulder, ready to push her down if need be, it’s why she’d chosen to be where she was, easy to move out of the way.

“No one else has mentioned any such sightings sire,” one of the Knights spoke up.

“They think it’s a trap,” Cole mumbled, his eyes flicking back and forth as she continued to pretend they weren’t considering her death.

“The door is locked currently, but the Carta are using it as a hideout.” Well she thought they were, she’d not seen any, but Cole had managed to pickpocket a key from the old Villa further up. It hadn’t been handily lain out on the table as she’d suggested it might be, but he’d found it nonetheless.

“And you just happen to have the key?” Alistair asked with an arched brow.

“He doesn’t think you are trying to kill him, but he doesn’t know what you are trying to do,” Cole whispered, the nag starting to get ansty with the rising tension. That made two of them, if it wasn’t for the fact that her and Cole both felt bad about not dealing with the darkspawn issue, she’d just have kept her mouth shut.

“I may have stumbled across it, with the other odds and sods I like to collect.” She winked at him. “There is a warden recruit in the area too, I wouldn’t have said anything but well, I didn’t think you lot sent them out alone without a senior?” She was pushing her luck, but it needed to be done.

“A junior?” Cole switched to staring in a different direction, Howe, she would bet her life on it. She probably was.

“Name of Rainier, one of Blackwall’s?” Cole’s hand clenched as she carried on blithely.

“Well, in the morning we’ll ride out to go see where Blackwall is, he hasn’t been spotted for a bit.” She bet he hadn’t, she couldn’t remember where he croaked it, but he was dead now, the fact Rainier was at the hut as they passed through to Redcliffe had been enough to assure her of that.

If she survived this she really needed to send the letter out to the Chargers and the other ones, the - Cole? - he looked at her for a fraction of a second with what she could only describe as _really woman, I’m trying to keep you alive and you want me to make memos for you?_ Look. 

“I can’t wait, I’ve been itching to have a poke about in Valammar, but whilst I’m happy to put my hands in a dragon’s mouth, darkspawn scare the piss out of me.” And like that the tension disappeared, with Alistair howling with laughter.

“You’re insane,”

“Hardly, I’m just a very good not-a-poacher.” She winked as he moved his horse up closer to her, Cole letting out a shuddering breath. It was funny how he didn’t breathe until she was in danger and then suddenly he did.

“If you are lying to us, I will do more than put you over my knee,” Alistair murmured in her ear. Was it wrong that she could feel herself flooding.

“Not before a first date, I’m not that kind of girl.” She totally was, but it seemed like the right thing to say.

“I’ll bring you a nice yellow flower, for our trip out then.” He hopped off in front of the healer’s hut, and lifted her down carefully, his hands drifting down to squeeze her ass before lightly slapping it. “See you in the morning, Jen Her’ald.”

“Night, Sire, don’t let the bed bugs bite, that’s my job.” She gnashed her teeth at him and scampered into the hut, giggling as Cole hugged her tightly.

“You almost died five times today.”

“Cole, sweety, we both know I’m already dead.” She whispered into his ear, before dragging him through to where the tub was set up next to the fire.


	5. To Valammar and Beyond!

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The only thing standing between Not Jen and Alistair is some darkspawn and some Carta, and she really doesn't have "becoming a warden" on her things to do.

**Bang bang bang**. It was too early, far too early. She hadn’t agreed on being up this early, the sun wasn’t even fully in the sky, she could still see the moons. She couldn’t literally see them, but that was beside the point. 

“Jen, time to come out to play.” Alistair was a cocky sod she’d give him that, and maybe they could steal away after all the fighting was done and bang. Like a lot.

“He wants to as well, but they told him you are too dangerous.” She wasn’t dangerous, not really. Maybe a little if you don’t want the King to die fighting high dragons and darkspawn, but like she wasn’t the danger.

“I’m awake, I need like - five minutes.”

“You have two, then I’m getting my friend to open the door and help you.” Great, either it was the Crow or Howe.

“The tainted one, he isn’t hiding today.” She bet he wasn’t, he was the Warden-Commander or officially at any rate. He’d need to be visible in case she wasn’t lying about the warden recruit and the darkspawn. “The Crow is watching the windows to make sure you don’t escape.” 

“It’s not locked, you can come in,” it wasn’t her home, and the healer was hardly going to complain about the King entering. She wasn’t expecting the door to open and it be Alistair however, who took in her naked back with what she hoped was a pleased growl.

“Normally when a person invites another person in, they are clothed.”

“I told you I needed five minutes, I just didn’t want you to waste time trying to pick an already open door.” She wiggled her backside at him as Cole was busy pulling out her underwear from where she’d tossed it the morning before. 

“Uh, I might go wait back outside.” 

“I don’t mind you watching,” or touching, or cupping, damn she needed to shag the bones off him. 

“He wants to touch too, he thinks you have a very nice bottom,” she wiggled it again for him, as he took a step forward to cup her shoulders.

“We need to be away, but don’t think I don’t see what you are doing minx, I’m leaving in the morning no matter how many more things you find for me to do. Tonight though, tonight you are going to be visiting my chambers.” She arched her neck for him invitingly, and he bit down like she’d hoped he would.

“I look forward to it.” And while he was at it, she wanted him to cup her breasts and then take her right there and then. Instead she was swatted firmly on the bottom, making them bloom in rosy cheer. 

“Minx,” He pressed a rough kiss on her neck, and then stormed out, the door bouncing as he closed it.

“His blood is burning.” So was hers, so was hers.

“Jen Her’ald, pleased to meet you,” She held her hand out to an older looking Nathaniel Howe who gave her an odd look that she wanted Cole to interpret for her. Cole, however, was busy investigating ahead, having decided it was reasonably safe to leave her for the moment with Alistair.

“Jen, meet Nathaniel Howe, Warden-Commander for Ferelden.” Now that was a lie she wasn’t going to call them out on, Alistair was, Cole had confirmed it for her. 

“I’m interested how you came about those rumours and the key,” he shook her hand firmly, so that she thought her arm was about to come out of its socket.

“When you make your business by strange and exotic things, you find yourself stumbling over all sorts.” And when she had Cole the friendly spirit, as well as a lot of half-remembered knowledge from the time she was still alive.

“No one else seems to have seen these darkspawn, but there are rumours that there is a warden - not a recruit, seen up near where you say they are.” That was why Cole had gone off because they were less sure that she was making it up now. 

Alistair had found her a better steed than the carthorse, which was nice of him. Her legs appreciated it, getting in the spirit for that night when she’d be straddling him instead. She’d tried sitting cross-legged on top of it, but well, she wasn’t the best horse rider as it was, and Alistair was making not so subtle comments about not letting her off even if she did fall.

She had a moment of pure horror when they came into the glade where Rainier was busy gutting a fish on the small dock. Cole was watching him with some interest. While she had this whole sort of plan which would involve Alistair taking him into the Warden fold, Rainier didn’t know it and was probably going to try and pretend he was Blackwall. The big dumb idiot.

“Well he isn’t a Warden,” She knew that, but she wasn’t supposed to, she needed to remember that. She didn’t know that he was really a reformed criminal on the run from his past using the name of his dead Warden recruiter for some weird redemption arc. Nathaniel was busy having a silent conversation with Alistair.

“Hail Warden recruit!” Cole stared in horror as she rode a little bit in front of the others. That normally meant she was at risk of death from two different angles and he couldn’t protect both.

“Uh, greetings but you have me mistaken Miss,”

“Oh, sorry, I thought you were a Warden Recruit waiting for your Warden mentor to return from clearing out the darkspawn in Valammar, it’s why I brought The WARDEN - COMMANDER for Ferelden and the King, the longest-serving Warden probably in Ferelden, you know the one that helped kill the Arch-Demon.” Cole looked paler than normal as she shouted gleefully at the now also pale Rainier.

“Sorry Alistair pet, I was mistaken after all,” She turned round to give him a cheeky wink, this would be a cool way to die.

“It’s not!” Cole shouted at her in horror.

“There is darkspawn about,” she knew that too, but she wasn’t aware of the range on their little darkspawn sonar radar. Maybe they’d sensed them from further away but hadn’t mentioned it. 

“Warden-Commander, and the King?” Rainier dropped the fish and his knife and was busy standing to attention.

“I mean, I didn’t think the Wardens in Ferelden cared much for all that,” Cole was making a high pitched whine as she heard the Crow snorting suspiciously close to her.

“I think perhaps the Warden-Commander could take it from here,” Alistair moved up to speak pleasantly in her ear, his hand reaching out to clasp firmly on her leg. 

“I mean, if it means my job is done?” She clicked her tongue, spreading her legs a tiny bit wider in the guise of stretching.

“You still have the key do you not?” His fingers flexed, his pinky brushing the top of her thigh in a manner that made her let out her own tiny whine.

“You just want me for my keys,” She mumbled, shifting on the saddle to try and adjust his hand into position discretely.

“Now we both know that isn’t completely true…” she couldn’t help but giggle as he withdrew his hand after brushing his fingers across the inner top of her thigh. He was such a giant fucking tease, utter sexy bastard.

“I’m not sure I can wait until later, I mean there is a hut right there.” She was fairly sure it would have a bed, or a table, or a rug, it definitely had a door and he was strong enough to support her weight.

“Good things come to those who wait,” Cole was staring in horror as she almost blurted out how long it had taken for him to lose his virginity. She had just enough sense to not.

Rainier had the good sense not to lie to the Warden-Commander and the King, and confessed his sins immediately. Helped by Cole. Mainly Cole whispering in his ear to confess. Cole had also slapped his hand over her mouth at one point when she was about to make a comment about Howe’s illustrious beginnings. She gave credit to him when he didn’t immediately remove it when she licked him.

He tasted like Cole.

“Of course I do, I am Cole.” Yes, but she saw him picking up that fish and putting it back on the dock after it fell in the water, so it should have tasted fishy. “It didn’t want to make me fishy too.” Fair enough.

“Please don’t say it?” Cole was giving her his best puppy dog eyes. There were so many things she wanted to say that would be completely inappropriate right about now, that she chose to say nothing at all. And instead focused on how best to order the list of things she wanted to do with Alistair that evening.

“I think we are ready to go,” The disapproving Howe stood in front of her.

“I bet you can lick for England,” Cole giggled as Alistair gave her a wink.

“I’m not sure about the England part, but I’ve had no complaints.” 

“Senior Warden Alistair, if you could focus at the job in hand,” It was there, if one knew that Alistair was the Warden-Commander and not Howe, and if one had Cole pointing it out, the glint of very veiled humour.

“Sorry Warden-Commander, though the blame I fear is at Jen’s feet in this matter,” She’d take it, it’s been a long time since she’d tumbled properly. The odd dalliance in an inn was hardly anything to write home about if she had one, but she would once she got her shop up and running properly. 

“I’m sure you will take matters into your own hands later, but for now, shall we?”

Valammar creaked open, and for the first time in a while, she felt regret. It would be a toss-up if she survived this foray into a known Carta and darkspawn hang out. It wasn’t so much the dying for the second time she minded so much, that was a given, it would happen. It was the fact that she might die this close to riding Alistair into the ground.

Cole had scouted ahead, she could hear the familiar clunks of bodies falling to the floor. He would do his best to protect her, because he was a true bro.

“Definitely darkspawn about,” Howe whispered to Alistair before slinking into the gloom, disappearing completely. 

“Rainier, you need to collect a couple of vials of the blood - it’s tradition, and Jen - stay out of sight and at the back.” Alistair turned into the same leader he had the day before with the dragons. She had to bite her lip not to whine like a bitch in heat.

“Sir, yes Sir,” She gave him a cocky salute, and then stood with the squire and a mage who was there to look pretty in a robe, or maybe heal.

Cole appeared briefly to whisper in her ear that there were no more alive Carta, thanks to the tainted one and the crow. That was something at least, but she also knew - or suspected that there would be hidden darkspawn too. They needed to access the treasure room, and Cole hadn’t spotted any gears on his searching. She had bombs, it would have to do.

They found the cause of the breach fairly easily, and she was peering over the bridge to watch from a very safe distance, as Alistair lopped the head off several big bastards. She was reckless, but not enough to risk needing to become a warden herself.

The mage was called for, after the three men struggled to push the boulders back into place. It had been Cole making the suggestion whispering in Howe’s ear, who looked up at her suspiciously. She was nowhere near, but she could see Cole lurking by him regardless.

“They can sense more but are unsure where,” That she could understand, the bat signal was probably going crazy down there, they’d be unsure if it was just more lurking behind the closed-up space or if there were more in rooms.

She was summoned down to stay with the rest of the group as Alistair became more twitchy, with Howe subtly deferring to him. She thought it made some sort of sense, he had more history with the darkspawn that she was aware of, his bat senses would be tingling more.

It was almost amusing to watch him, he reminded her of a pig snuffling out truffles. Cole’s hand was over her mouth again, she wasn’t really going to say it regardless of how funny it looked.

She had to admire how Zev appeared for a split second next to the door to mess with it before disappearing again. She pretended not to have noticed, but it was hard not to when Cole was staring at him so intently.

“I have some bombs that can get us through,” she offered, watching with delight at the appalled faces on Howe and one of the squires. “Fine then, well in the meantime - alright if I have a poke about?” Alistair was giving her a suspicious look, but didn’t stop her poking.

Dwarven erotica, and not the stuff Varric wrote, this had pictures, maybe it was more of a spank bank thing. 

“There are six hiding behind the door, you can’t go through until he says they are all dead.” Cole was busy telling her as she was flicking through what looked like an expenses book of some sort. She didn’t want to be a Warden, she wasn’t going to endanger herself in a silly way. “I took the shinies though and put them in a bag in the hidden room upstairs for us.” 

He was such a boss friend at times, and an absolute bro all the time.

She found the cog, underneath a load of papers, it wasn’t as big as she’d expected it to be. “I’ll go check again,” Cole mumbled staring at it as if she’d not described it well enough the first time. Perhaps she hadn’t it was entirely possible.

“Hey, I found this, do you think it’s useful?” She tossed it at Alistair who raised an eyebrow. “Look, I could hardly have hidden it, it was in this room.” She half wondered what he was thinking, and Cole was busy finding the other one so she couldn’t ask him. Maybe later, if she remembered.

“What a surprise that it fits,” She shrugged at Howe’s insinuation.

“What can I say, I am very good at my job - I do want anything that doesn’t move in the room beyond it though, as my fee,” Which hopefully after the darkspawn were no more, would be a ton of treasure and some old shit that she could sell for a great profit to idiot nobles and merchants. Especially if she could track down the paintings relatives.

“And everything else you’ve found?” Alistair grinned, watching her put a pile of books into her bag.

“I mean, I’m not a warden, my job is selling odds, gods and sods to the general populace for a profit. Anything warden related you can have, but I think I’ve earned my fee by now right?” Well the none sexual one, she was looking forward to that payment with great interest. 

“Of course,” There was a noise behind her, and then another cog appeared on top of the bookcase above Alistair’s head. 

“Uh - look up?” She pointed, Howe was staring at her in complete suspicion now, as Alistair spotted immediately the missing piece.

“Huh,” followed by another more amused “Huh, fancy all that treasure being there,” and then another more leaderly “Darkspawn, Howe - cover the exit.” 

“I’ll help him,” Cole murmured as she had a moment of panic, two wardens against six darkspawn was too many Wardens, but one in a room with lots of hiding places was not enough. Cole though would cover his back, with Howe, that would be enough to ensure she’d get a proper seeing to later on.

She could almost feel the blade at her back, her own danger sense picking up on how close the crow was to her. It made sense, and Cole was distracted making sure the darkspawn threat wouldn’t get them. She was fine, she’d done nothing wrong, and Alistair would be upset if she was killed needlessly.

Even without the sound of fighting falling silent, she could tell by how Howe relaxed, his back relaxing. No more darkspawn. Which meant she had freeish reign to pick over the corpse of Valammar until the Carta returned. Perhaps she should try and deal with the whole Bianca thing now too… How much of a snubbing of the nose would it be to hire the smith? Dagna first, but, while they were here she could see if Cole could grab the key… and any notes…

“You constantly scheme,” Cole was covered in cobweb but nothing else which was nice. She knew she did, and it was almost for the good of all, if one was to look at it from her fairly selfish perspective. “I don’t mind, we are doing lots of good things,” She wasn’t entirely sure the Carta would think that way, but then they could have dealt with the darkspawn problem themselves…

“I take it you’ll be wanting to come back with a cart for the rest of this?” Alistair was kicking a pile of coin and shinies with a bloody foot.

“Can I wash it in a river or will that pollute?” Howe and Alistair looked distinctly horrified for a moment at her question. “Look, we all know what happened during the blight, I don’t want to kick start a new one by washing off my goods in the water supply.”

“Thanks, I think,”

“Sire, I can assist with that,” the mage spoke up, already starting to cast.

“NO!” there was documents and paintings and the idiot was about to blast it all, how was she supposed to save it if they were going to ruin it. “I mean, let me move the delicate none water or fire-resistant things away,” fucking idiots. 

“They were only trying to help,” Cole told her off. Well that’s all well and good, but it wasn’t their crap that they would ruin, it was hers. So she wasn’t going to apologise. “Say sorry,” no, they were in the wrong. “Please,” frigging puppy eyes on her bro.

“Sorry, I didn’t mean to shout, it’s just that there are paintings and papers that I can see from here that don’t look like they’ve been touched.” The mage sniffed, moving back out of the way as she moved round to start ferreting through, only to be caught by Alistair and put into Howe’s grip.

“How about, you let the Senior Warden rifle through darkspawn guts for the precious crumbling things that might kill you,” Howe said politely as Alistair smirked.

“Alright - but you need to be careful, imagine that each one is a tiny baby cheese that if you touch too roughly will disintegrate into nothing.” She tried to put it in terms Alistair would understand.

“I know how to be careful,” she was hoping he also didn’t, she wasn’t wanting a careful shag later, she was looking forward to an enthusiastic one.

“So Jen Her’ald, it’s an interesting name,” Howe started as Cole suddenly appeared waving a key and some papers. She’d spend the day doing whatever Cole wanted to tomorrow, petting kittens, making and distributing health potions, whatever.

“Can we go see the bard?” Cole asked hopefully. Of course, and maybe they could leave some new songs lying about so she’d get a bit of variety. “I know you like her really too,” 

“So is Nathaniel Howe, do your friends call you Nate? Do you have friends?” Alistair sent a pile of coins skittering at her question, his shoulders moving in what she was hoping was silent laughter.

“Where does the name Her’ald come from?” Howe carried on, even if his grip tightened on her arm minutely.

“I thought it sounded cool, Jen Her’ald’s Little Shoppe - note the e - of Odds, Gods and Sods, has a ring to it doesn’t it,” She gave a cheery wave to Alistair who was busy staring at a bit of paper. “Anything interesting?”

“It’s warden related,” He looked unhappy about it, and Cole was trying to peer over his shoulder to read it.

“It’s not, he’s lying, but I can’t see what it is,” She could hardly accuse the King of lying. Whatever it was would be lost to her. 

“Well, that’s good then?” It wasn’t if he was going to lie and say all of the interesting stuff was warden related so she didn’t get her hands on it.

“I can steal it?” Cole asked giving her a smile. They would know in a heartbeat that it would be at her behest, and she ideally didn’t want to end up on his bad side. He could easily kill her or claim that she forged the signed paper. Skyhold wasn’t technically as far as she could tell, in his lands, but he could still make her life difficult if he wanted to. And the crow would just off her. He would only need to be lucky once.

She was glad that Cole had already searched the other rooms, as two more bits of paper were stashed away without Cole being able to see what they were. She did her best not to pass comment, even as Howe kept hold of her.

“I think we should be fine to have our friend here clean the rest,” Alistair stepped back, with Cole slipping one of the pieces out of his hand. She’d have to read it after they had gone, to save her giving herself away if questioned.

The mage made a huge deal over cleaning the pile of stuff for her, as if she had been the one to ask. They had offered and she wasn’t keen about the whole thing anyway. Still, it looked clean after she was helped down from the table so as not to get spawn gunk on her shoes.

“The Warden-Commander will help you come back tomorrow, in case of a shoddy repair job,” Alistair announced, with Howe sniffing. 

“Same time tomorrow, we’ll head back now. Warden Recruit Rainier, with me.” And like that she was dismissed, with Alistair taking up by her side, offering to carry her bag like a gent, or someone who was showing off how manly they were.

“I’ll be back before nightfall to collect you,” He helped her down off the horse, with Cole bouncing about next to her like a demented thing.

“He’s going to get things ready,” oooh things, what things? “A bath, and then another one to share with food.” She liked that plan, even if she wasn’t normally keen on eating before exerting in the bedroom. 

“I look forward to it, do I need to bring anything?” like her toothbrush.

“I think as the King, I can provide things, just this once. When we are at your abode then I’ll allow you to,” He was already planning on seeing her again. 

“You did invite him,” Cole helped. She did, it was true, she just didn’t think he’d taken it seriously. “He thinks you are interesting, and he likes how you react to him,” she wasn’t that obvious was she? Cole just gave her a look. Alright, maybe she was. She had very few goals in life, Alistair was in the top three.

“I’ll wash my hair then in anticipation,” and sort out a cart for the morning. Ugh, she hated early mornings, they were not for her.

He pressed a kiss against her hand before leaving, and if it hadn’t been for Cole holding her up from behind, she’d have ended up on the floor. “You really like him,” she really did. He was going to be the greatest lay she’d had all year. “The only -” Thanks, Cole.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Wow - she still isn't dead, even if she feels like she's going to explode with need. Thankfully, this is no slow burn romance *coughs*


	6. Worth it

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Major smut ahead. Because who has time to wait? Not Jen sure doesn't.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Quick heads up - after the sweet Cole and not Jen bonding time, it's pretty much smut central. There is a reason for the rating - this is it. I might even have to up it to Explicit. lemme know.

Two carts arranged, and a two letters written out; one to the Valos-Kas, another to The Chargers.

_“I am in the market for reputable merc groups to aid me in the gathering of rare and difficult items from all over Thedas, pay is good as is the experience. So far two High Dragons have been killed in the name of oddities. Base is out of a huge fort in the Frostback Mountains, and we have a great working relationship with several countries so far.”_ She chewed on the quill, she didn’t need to mention the dragons. She just really wanted Bull to want to come be her pet dragon killer for when the courts wouldn’t let Alistair out to play.

“That means Adaar won’t be the Herald?” Cole asked, brushing out her hair carefully. She wouldn’t have bothered but he liked doing it, said it felt nice, and who was she to argue.

“I was thinking…” she was chewing on the quill even more, to the point that bits of it were coming out in her mouth. “Do you think we could get away with stealing Cadash too, for a Carta contact to getting us illicit shit from Orzammar?” He hummed, starting to french plait it. She hated it when he french plaited her hair, it always hurt, but he really enjoyed it. Kaylee had buns not plaits, but then she’d also promised Cole they would do what he wanted tomorrow and now they were going treasure collecting. Which had prompted the letter.

“Are you going to chose who the Herald is?” He asked, lightly tugging on her scalp as he pulled the hair into place.

“It’s still going to be either an elf or a human, so no?” He made a soft noise, “What? It’s not like I am even that bothered.” She was lying, “Alright, so I am a little bit, but I don’t know why.” 

“Because you feel bad,” Cole hugged her tightly.

“Ugh, I don’t - not really, not about that. It’s not my fault it’s all happening is it? Like the Doctor says, fixed points, timey wimey.” 

“You don’t know if you believe it though,” it didn’t really matter, she didn’t not believe it. Also, she thought she’d be pushing her luck if she told Alistair that maybe in the event of a conclave being formed he should make sure no Wardens were involved and tell the redhead who would kill her for certain of that too.

“You want to hire people before the Inquisition can, and wrap them up in tight little contracts,” that was completely true and she had no regrets about it either. She wanted Dagna, she sort of wanted Bianca too. Cole had found enough dirt to properly upset the applecart for that smith should they use it. The Chargers deserved better than the Inquisition too, she was much more fun.

“You just want to ride the Bull sooner,” Cole giggled, knotting the plait off with a pretty spotty bow they’d spotted while accepting the bulk-load of the material.

“Can you blame me?” She accepted his hand to stand up, twirling for him in her brightly coloured smock. “What do you think?” 

“He’ll like it a lot,” He paused, before wrapping another bow around the top of the plait, “for later, in case,” 

A knock at the door, and she was back to being a teenager, her hormones spiralling out of control. “You need to breathe,” Cole mumbled as she smoothed out the dress for the third time.

“Coming,” oh god she couldn’t wait. 

Alistair was looking dashing, or roguish, or just clothed. She couldn’t work out which, she was too busy staring at his exposed lower arms and how ripped even they were. Ugh, she wanted to taste, run her tongue - Cole was busy pushing her forward as she stood there looking like an absolute lemon drooling over Alistair.

“I thought we could take a walk back to the Castle, but… uh through a different route.” She was so going to get shagged in the windmill and then the tunnel and then the cells oh fuck yes. Cole lifted her hand for her, to take Alistair’s, before moving to her exposed side like the true bro he was.

“Ugh - I mean, yes!” she swiped at her mouth to check for drool, none, it was a good day. Even his hands swamped hers, they were huge, and they would feel amazing on her bare breasts. Those nice callused fingers that spoke of his less than pampered lifestyle. 

“You look nice tonight Jen,” He spoke into her ear, she could feel his warm breath caress her neck, and she arched it in offering. “Minx,” 

He practically pulled her up to the windmill, and even then it didn’t appear soon enough. There was a moment, where a dove cried. “The crow,” Cole said happily pointing in the direction of where she assumed Zevran would be lurking.

“Minx,” Alistair pushed her into the wall of the mill, his mouth seeking out hers, the stubble only adding to the over-stimulation of her too eager body.

“Stop fucking about and fuck me already!” she snarled into his mouth when he let her up for air. If he didn’t she was going to explode, and not in a fun way. 

His answer was to pull the smock up around her waist and rip the delicate panties that Cole had pulled out for her to wear, he hadn’t even looked at them. Not that she was comp- fuck he felt good sliding into her.

“I should deny you, ordering your King about like that, but you’ve been reasonably well behaved, haven’t you,” he bit her ear, holding her still against the wall. 

She clenched down hard, it was a tight enough squeeze as it was, he was built for her, it must be fate. 

She had a kink for being watched, it must be it, because it felt fucking sublime, as she clenched and released to make him move, he was just holding steady watching her squirm on him. Bastard, actual royal bastard.

“Move already,” What was he playing at, leaving her like this, it was not fair, not fucking fair at all.

He was just holding her impaled on him, the stone at her back sure to be leaving grazes, the only indication he felt anything at all was the mere hint of a tremble. 

“Alllllistair, fucking move, please fucking move, you need to move, move move move, pleeeassssseeeeeeee!” She whined and squeezed as hard as she could, if it wasn’t for the feel of his breath on her lips, the heady thudding of his heart against hers, she’d have thought him a statue.

“He doesn’t want to ruin it,” Cole whispered sliding his hand behind her head, protecting it from ripping her hair out. Ruinin- ohh, she didn’t care, he was being mean to her now.

“Alistair!” She yelped as he moved his hands to cup her backside, his fingers spreading her cheeks, fuck she was going to be sore in the morning.

“What you demanding minx?” He growled, nipping at her lips in between each word.

“If you don’t fuck me hard right this second, then I won’t - I won’t send you any more cheese, and I have someone who - fuck, like that, just like that,” 

The hitch in his breath and the tightening of his muscles - and other things, and she wanted down. 

“Down!” He stuttered, eyes wild as she was thumping against his chest, “let me down,” the wildness changed to concern much quicker than she thought it would, as he carefully did so. Them both wincing ever so slightly before placing her feet back onto the floor.

He kindly moved back as she pushed him, dropping to her knees to rub her thumb across the tip, catching the juices whilst staring up at him, his hand moving down to cup the back of her head gently. He could crush her with a single squeeze, but so could she, fuck it tasted good. She didn’t trust that it wasn’t just the bath she could still taste on her thumb.

He was thick, like a fucking bull, a lusty sexy bull who would hammer her into the ground. The mess of tight curls even smelt manly, as she breathed in deep, her lips kissing the length in slow, investigative lapping kisses. She could taste her own hint of tang, mingled in with the faint taste of honey and crushed salt from the bathwater. Then his clean and fucking horny scent. She couldn’t wait to bury her nose in his pit and drown in it.

He was trembling, so much more noticeable when she had her mouth caressing his shaft, her thumb smearing the leaking juices around the head, she would get to that later, not too much later. Things to do, people - Alistair to screw. 

His thumb was stroking her ear, how did he fucking know, Cole hadn’t told him. No, he’d bitten them before and she’d all but begged to be screwed, of course he’d know. She let out a soft hum of contentment, and he groaned. Ahh, yes, how could she forget, it felt so much better when she hummed.

Finding the right tune was easy enough, sexy boy, it also kept her concentrating on her mouth and not her knees. She allowed herself a lazy lick of his tip, savouring his own special flavour, before encompassing him within her mouth, teasingly grazing her teeth as he shuddered, a full-body shudder, his fingers curling into her hair with his nails lightly scraping. It only caused her to arch her neck back as he leaned over, pushing so slowly into her throat.

Fuck, her eyes were stinging as he stretched her jaw, her throat to fit around him, until there was no more to take, until she had him pressed against her nose. She should bottle that scent for when the nights were cold and almost lonely, it would get her through many sessions just on that smell alone.

She was stroking the back of his thigh with one hand, whilst lightly cupping his very tight bollocks in the other, did she want it to be all over now? A couple of swallows, increased humming, and trying to move her tongue would do it. His thumb swiped away some of the tears, stroking her cheek with a very unsteady hand, and a question in his eyes. He was such a gent.

She swallowed, and again, unable to stop the smile forming as she felt him clench. She let most of it disappear straight down her throat, she wanted to taste but better to only have to taste a little first, pulling back to suckle on the delightfully mushroomed head to catch the last few spurts. Maybe the honey wasn’t her after all, it was definitely sweeter than she expected. 

“The Crow suggested a new diet before he arrived,” she’d have to thank Zev for this delightful gift. Sweet, a hint of salt and a spice, not in the slightest offensive like she’d been dreading it might. 

Alistair scooped her up into his arms, and kissed her gently but firmly, unafraid to taste his own essence in her mouth. She kinda liked him even more for that.

He did her proud in the only slightly cobwebby tunnel, well it was slightly in the tunnel, enough that it counted. He’d offered to pleasure her in the windmill, but they had a timescale to work with, and she had her plans. She wanted sex in the windmill - check, in the tunnel - check now - in the cells - she’d informed him that was a definite want. 

The cells had been amazing, he’d shrugged and gone with it when she’d lifted her hands into the shackles, he’d then pounded the heck out of her until she’d passed out with Cole shouting in Alistair’s ear to tell her to breathe.

Alistair had her lain out on the floor, as her whole body tingled, massaging her chest, with a shadowed outline of the Crow handing him a potion.

“You need to breathe you, daft minx,” she couldn’t help but giggle, fuck her head hurt. 

“Worth it,” 

“It wasn’t worth it!” Cole was glaring at her for the first time that she could ever remember.

“Really?” Alistair raised an eyebrow, as she started to shiver. She’d been overheated before, loving the cold of the metal and stone contrasting against the sun of his body. And now, now she was freezing fuck it was cold.

“Clothes, or a blanket.” She smacked his hands away, rubbing her arms until her smock was handed back to her.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Heads up - the smut will continue after a short break in the next chapter. She just needs a bit of a break, and our warden king needs some food.


	7. Mother-In-Laws

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Rounding out a good session with stirring the pot.

The crow had disappeared before she was able to fully look at him, and Alistair had been amused but concerned as she’d turned blue temporarily. The cold had seeped into her bones until she was bundled up in a warmer cloak and then deposited in front of the dining-room fire. They’d tried to sneak up to his chamber, but his mother had decided that now it was no longer a secret… well. It wasn’t the first time she’d dealt with a disapproving mother in law.

“I don’t think we’ve been introduced?” Fiona was giving her the stink eye, she didn’t need Cole to tell her what she was thinking. In fact, she’d asked Cole not to. She could interpret well enough herself.

“Sadly not, although I have had chats with some of the tranquil - in fact…” She paused to snag a bread bun from the platter, spreading butter over it before chewing in thought. Would Fiona even care - Connor, she needed to have a chat about Connor, poor sap.

“Alistair? I’ve seen that lad moping round by the docks, who is it?” He gave her a faintly suspicious look, and it wasn’t earning her points with Fiona either. But then she didn’t need to? With any luck, Fiona would be heading back to Denerim with Alistair - or even if she stayed it was hardly like she was staying in Redcliffe, she had her own fucking nation-state of shoptopia to go back to.

“That’s Connor, my cousin,” Connor looked up as his name was mentioned, before slumping back into his chair. It was nice that Alistair considered him family.

“Hi Connor, I’m Jen Her’ald, purveyor of oddities, goddities and soddities,” She could tell he had no idea how to answer it. “So what do you do?” 

“Connor is a mage,” Alistair answered when it became apparent that Connor was struggling to answer.

“Sweet, that's nice, so are you like working on the docks?” Cole was busy stroking the mabari to pay much attention to her.

“I am,” Cole piped up, before tickling the pups belly. Good to know.

“He’s a mage,” Alistair repeated as Fiona started to frown.

“So? I thought with the whole collapse of the circles and stuff, it meant that the mages could start to forge careers outside of chantry dominion? I took it that was why you didn’t look massively happy, it’s tough that first transition period when you get kicked out of home and find you need to pay bills, do laundry and stuff.” Cole was giving her an amused look as there were some spluttering from the mages and a couple of stifled snickers from some of the more faceless servants.

“What?” Alistair lifted the hand that had been caressing her inner thigh, focusing on the conversation properly.

“Well, its a right of adulthood right? You age, you get kicked out to be a productive member of society, learn that it’s not all that great but you get to go to bed when and with who you want?” 

“He’s a mage though,” 

“And?” She turned to properly look at Connor, “I bet this place sucks the life out of you, and no offence to Redcliffe, but it’s not exactly hip and happening. Alistair, surely there is a better job somewhere in Denerim, or just somewhere there is more than a small row of shops?” 

“What do you think mages do?” Fiona asked, as Connor looked faintly hopeful.

“Well, now, they can do whatever they like right. That was the point of it all?” She carried on, Cole was giggling either at the puppy or her stirring as per usual.

“That’s a vast oversimplification of the situation.” Fiona retorted as Connor was now staring with hungry eyes at Alistair.

“But that doesn’t mean I’m wrong though, so tell me, beyond resisting the dark side, what else is he doing with his day - no offence Connor, but you looked like a fish slapped you. Every time these past few weeks I’ve been down near the docks you’ve been just standing around like a spare part. Surely you want to do something productive?”

“We can find him productive work,” Fiona cut in as she took breath.

“Yes but he can choose for himself, because no more circles right?” 

“I’m - this - uh,” Alistair opened his mouth only to be stared at by the three people now thoroughly invested in the conversation.

“So Connor, ideal world where you can do what you want - get a job, find a partner, settle down, make sweet little babies and maybe eat as much cake as possible?” There was an audible hiss from her side. “What’s actually stopping him?”

“I am the Grand Enchanter,” Fiona started.

“So you are saying that now, instead of chantry rule, it’s your rule. Right ok, I guess with Anora gone we still ended up with a King - but Alistair here doesn’t tell the spods what they can and can’t do job-wise,” 

“I mean I can,” Alistair added looking dubiously.

“Ok, do it then, tell that person over there, the one in the hat, the nice one - afterwards can you tell me where you got that hat from please - tell them what job they need to do.” 

“Laurel Kerney-Howe miss,” She gave a faint smile, not looking entirely happy about being dragged into the conversation.

“Uh - she’s married,” Alista started. Nathaniel Howe was giving his King a very careful look, as it looked like Alistair was debating the possibility of making it out with relationships intact.

“So, married women can work. I mean some might say being married is work in itself, but she could have a job - unless you are saying only her husband can tell her what job she can do? Then we need a whole different conversation,”

“No, I mean she’s good at doing what she does, she doesn’t need me telling her what to do.” Alistair was trying to rally, she could tell, he wasn’t doing a bad job of it. She was just more invested in getting her pre-thought out point across because she would hopefully end up with a happy Connor who could come work for her.

“Alright, so pick someone in this room, and tell them what job to do that they aren’t already doing, because no cheating.”

“After this, you are going to pay,” he leaned over to whisper in her ear, before leaning back. “I choose not to,”

“How many people have you told what employment they can do?” she winked before carrying on.

“It doesn’t change the matter that Connor is a mage,” Fiona stepped back in.

“So what, he resists the dark, and then what does he do?” Connor opened his mouth only to close it as Alistair made a don’t sign at him.

“He does what he is supposed to do,”

“Which is stand around moping like a teenager who’s been told they can’t have any fun. Connor - if I was to offer you a job, for half board working with tranquil, in the middle of nowhere but I promise there are young people about?”

“You can’t offer him a job!”

“I just did.”

“What would I be doing?”

“You aren’t chaste right?” Alistair choked, as Fiona looked apoplectic at her question.

“Uh…”

“Yeah, let's pretend you are but you don’t have any qualms about other people not being chaste. The plan is to have a range of items that we mass market, but I need some keen young minds working on the problems.”

“When would I have to let you know?” Connor leaned forward as Alistair’s hand pinched her underneath the table. It was easy enough to ignore, mainly because she was on a roll.

“Whenever, the first batch of tranquil are going to feedback to the others to see if they want to come. I expect a year minimum contract though, so that I don’t invest in you and then you sod off at the drop of a hat, not that a relative of Alistair’s would. There is a morality clause that we would both agree to, where if there was something that happened say I decided to support a mass murderer, you could nope out.” 

“Connor,” Fiona ignored her altogether as he grinned, it was the first time she’d seen any real emotion beyond sulking from the lad.

“Perhaps you could discuss this in private?” Alistair intervened, almost as if he didn’t trust her not to start up again.

“Oh! Are you married to Nathaniel Howe?” it was much better to switch it up and keep them on their toes, she’d hunt Connor down later if he didn’t chase her first.

“We are,” Howe gave her a stern look. Clearly not pleased she’d taken an interest in his wife.

“Well, I can see who’s the fashionista,” Alistair groaned into his mug before pushing back the chair, the rest of the room rising as he stood.

“On that note, I promised Jen a tour of the castle,” Cole slipped by her side with the puppy following. 

“It’s been swell, Connor think about it-” She was rudely pulled out of the room mid-sentence by a mildly amused Alistair.

“I should put you over my knee here, damn minx. You enjoyed that,”

“I mean, we have been on several dates now, we killed a dragon, we killed some darkspawn, went to an old place, and you’ve fed me. If you want to do it in front of everyone that's fine too, although it is a bit weird in front of your mother.” She giggled as he hefted her over his shoulder, her legs flailing as he carried her up to his room.

“I should ask what kind of shop it is, but then I think I’m better off not knowing until it’s too late for anyone to complain.” He smacked her firmly on the bottom as she tried to reach down into the back of his trousers from her new position. “Wait woman,”

Another dove cry, that sounded more out of place in the castle than it had in the abandoned ruined windmill. 

She liked the room, the big ram skin rug in front of the roaring fire, she bet it had been lit for her after earlier. There was no way Alistair needed it. The large wooden bench with blankets and pillows, and then the huge wooden bed with its lovely large posts. Yep, she was going to enjoy this.

“Right, so, we’ve done the windmill, the tunnels, the cells - please tell me you will breathe from now on. I think we still have in front of the fire, punishment, a bath and then bed?” He had remembered, he was fucking brilliant.

“You have already spanked me,” she waggled her eyebrows at him.

“While I am very manly and strong, once is clearly not enough to teach you a lesson…” No, he proved he knew how to teach her a lesson so very well. Whomever had taught him, had done it admirably. The softer slaps, with soothing rubbing then dragging of nails, over and over again, until her whole body tingled. Then firmer, so that her cheeks glowed, with her backing into his hand each time, forcing him to tie her hands to her feet to keep her still.

From there, he teased, running his finger through her juices, tasting it and then letting her suckle before firmer again spankings. She begged, she whined, she squealed as he kept sliding his finger around but never in, never on. Tormenting her until she cried in need, want, lust.

“Such a responsive minx hmmm,” She was sucking hard on his fingers, her brain shut down to all but this.

He took pity on her leaving his thumb placed on her overstimulated clit as he counted down from ten with each stroke that felt so hard but sounded so soft. She exploded, in a sea of stars and shudders, collapsing down onto him, leaving him to untether her and slide her gently into the waiting bath.

She’d offered him her mouth again as she could see him straining in his britches, as he carefully warmed her back up again. He declined, allowing her his fingers instead, the need to have something in her mouth greater than she could deal with.

From there she rode him in front of the fireplace, careful not to let her bottom land on him for too long, a nice slow steady ride as he played with her breasts with tenderness.

A break and a call for sustenance for her lover who’s stomach had started growling mid-way through the leisurely fucking. She was perched on his lap, with him fully inside as the door was knocked. Unable to stop herself whining, she didn’t want to move.

“What’s up little troublemaker?” He lifted his head from molesting her ear.

“I don’t wanna get dressed,” he shrugged, pulled the blanket around her waist and cupped her breasts in his hands before calling them through. The servant was the crow, though she wasn’t supposed to know that. He didn’t even look once, which was nice and also slightly insulting, she looked good?

“They both think you look very nice,” Cole answered her from by the puppy’s bed. That was alright then.

They fed each other, and then he spread the sweet honey over her stretched out body and licked her sparkling clean. She wasn’t going to be able to taste honey again without thinking about this moment… She would invest in - fuck who had taught him - no she didn’t want an answer, Cole.

The bath had been switched out, and she hadn’t even noticed. He washed her clean, and then she washed him, before they tumbled into bed, the night almost over to make what she could only describe as sweet love. No mere fucking, he kissed her as if she was his entire world, and she couldn’t help but feel like he was almost hers. She’d miss him when the aching was over.

“Everything alright?” He asked quietly, kissing away the tears from her cheeks that she hadn’t even noticed falling.

She opened her mouth to answer, but she didn’t know what to say, thank you for being amazing lay? Thank you for making my unlife amazing, I’m going to miss you and we’ve only just really met? So she kissed him instead. 

“Yes,” Cole gave her a warm look as the words formed in her mind that seemed silly to speak. “He will like it,” it was so lame, and she was already a big girls blouse for having cried during sex with him. He was going to think her an utter idiot. “He won’t,” she wasn’t taking responsibility then. Cole just smiled at her.

“Parting is such sweet sorrow,” She mumbled softly feeling silly. He rewarded her with a breath-stealing kiss.

The moons were descending and time was running out. He was curled up by her side, her hand tangled in his hair as he gently suckled on her breast.

“You know, this just means that you need to get the shop open as soon as possible so I can come cut the ribbon.” He lifted his head up to address the elephant in the room.

“If your steward agrees.”

“Short of a national disaster of Blight proportions he’ll be under strict instructions to rearrange anything else.” Cole lifted his head, looking sadly at the back of Alistair.

“You should tell him.” She couldn’t - she wasn’t even sure it was going to happen, or how to stop it. Cole moved to curl up by her free side, careful not to knock Alistair’s possessive hand, clinging to her free one.

“Well, it gives me another reason, beyond having to pay all these people.” She gave a halfhearted chuckle.

“You are invited to visit me as well, the treasury likes the contributions to the new widows and orphans fund that you started. There are merchants now clamouring for favour who have been making very public donations.” 

“Glad I could help, perhaps I should start an Alienage fund too?” Cole made a noise of agreement.

“Half of the money is fed into the Alienage,” he answered, stroking a thumb across her hip, “It’s taken a lot of work, and a lot still needed, but we’re trying.”

“No judgement here,” she shimmied down the bed to cuddle into him properly, Cole adjusting accordingly.

“So will you continue to write to me now?” He asked teasingly, tucking a strand of hair behind her ear. 

“I mean, you are now off my list of people…” he prodded her in the ribs lightly, “I am joking, not about the list, but of course. Whenever I find some random warden tat, I think of you.” Shit the Griffon Feather, she’d have to give it to him when he visited her instead. 

“And if I wanted to write to you?”

“I’ll send you my permanent location once we’re back.” He kissed the top of her head, almost lovingly.

She wasn’t sure if they had fallen asleep, or just reached a state of blissed-out euphoria, because the next she knew there was a polite tapping at the door, and Alistair was peeling himself off her and covering her with a blanket.

Freshwater was provided, and food, before a long slow goodbye kiss.

“Until we meet again, my lady minx.” They parted at the stables, with Howe standing quietly by her side as Alistair left with his men back to Denerim.

Cole perched behind her the entire way back to Valammar, keeping her upright so that she could sleep. Her legs burned, her bottom was sore, and her heart… well, least said about that.

It was empty of threats, as the small team of her new employees cleared every item that wasn’t bolted to the floor down and into the carts, all looking pleased when she tossed them all a bag of coin each as a bonus for not stealing any of it.

“My wife has informed me that she will be willing to communicate with you further should you actually wish to have a conversation regarding hats,” Howe mentioned as they were reaching Redcliffe village limits.

“I would like that. Apologise for me, I didn’t mean to make her uncomfortable.”

“You were merely proving a point,” Howe gave her an assessing look. “Whatever the game is you’re playing, I don’t believe you mean to hurt the King.”

“If I told you that the only thing I wanted from him was sex?” 

“I don’t believe that, but I don’t know what else you might want.” 

“He’s lying,” Cole piped up, “He thinks you want to be queen,” She couldn’t think of anything worse.

“If it helps, all I wanted out of life, was my shop - which I could have just forged the paperwork for, and well, to see if he really was as good as I dreamed he would be. He was so much better.” She wriggled on the horse before hopping down.

“I will tell my wife that you wouldn’t be averse to communicating.”

“Wait - before you go, I have something I meant to give to him, but well, you are the Warden-Commander.” He frowned at her, as she darted into the healer cabin to pull out the feather.

“I bought it, the trader said it was a griffon feather, and well…” He held it carefully, staring at it. “I meant to give it to Alistair, as a surprise, but I forgot.”

“I will make sure he knows where it came from,” she shrugged, it didn’t matter if he did or not. She just wanted to curl up alone and sob for the rest of the remaining day. Cole clasped her hand tightly.

“It was nice to meet you, Warden-Commander Howe,” He gave her a considering look before dipping his head minutely.

“It was interesting meeting you too, Jen Her’ald.”

She allowed herself half a candle of crying, feeling emotionally drained. The cart with the goods had been taken to a secure stable in the castle, escorted by Howe as an act of kindness. Where she had been nothing but lust and want the day before, now an aching void. She had tasted the sun and now it was gone.

Cole clung to her as she wept, finding bits of rag for her to blow her nose on, and stroking her hair telling her it was all going to be alright. It wasn’t, the world was going to burn and all she’d done was screw around.

“We’ve been helping people.” He cooed into her ear, “timey wimey fixed points,”

“What if I’m wrong?” 

“You’ll see him again, he wanted to put you on the horse and take you with him.” 

Unsent letter

_Hey,_

_So, we slept together yay. It should make this easier to write, I achieved one of the few things I wanted to do. Probably should mention if you have received this then I’m dead. Bummer right - fucking right it is. I want to express how upset I am about the fact you were so fucking good._

_Some of the things that are going to happen, hopefully won’t. You’ve met your mum now, which is great. The sky will split, which is shit, but don’t worry someone will be able to stitch it together - just keep an eye on what the organisation they work for does regarding the power. I’m not saying they will take advantage they might._

_Fuck this is much harder than I thought it would be._

_Cole will have delivered this, I bequeath you my shoppe (note the e) and Cole. Uh - there should be enough shit to pay all the people too - hey you could turn it into a Warden thing too. And have Howe run it as he pretends to be Warden-Commander._

_False calling - it’s not real. Weisshaupt had locked up a sort of crazy talking darkspawn named Corypheus that Hawke (Champion) unlocked with his blood - not really his fault, talk to Varric Tethras about it. The sky thing is him, and a just woken old dalish god called Fen’Harel - yeah I chose my name to deliberately fuck with him. He’s currently known as Solas - or will be. They need him alive until the shiny hand stabilises. After that, he needs killing._

_Other things to be aware of, Clarel in Orlais has been tricked by Corphyeus’ agents and is about to do something fucking insane. You need to convince her that she’s being played - adamant is where shit gets real._

_I’m sorry._

_I really really liked you._

_Jen Her’ald / Kaylee_

_P.s. look after Cole please._

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Alistair come back! You don't need to be King, she can find you a job in the Nationstate of Shoptopia.
> 
> So... yeah. I mean, even if I forget to upload again this is an ending of sorts right (hides the chapters of Alistair visiting Skyhold for later)


	8. Hiring practices

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Not Jen hires her worst nightmare.

“Jen Her’ald, I don’t know if you remember me?” Connor approached as she left the hut. She was fairly sure that she wasn’t looking like a complete basket case, and was on her way to the inn to see the bard for Cole.

“Connor, of course I do, it was only last night.” He was polite to not mention that she looked pale and dreadful.

“I wanted to know more about the offer, and if you meant it?” He offered her his arm, escorting her down to the inn. Like the gentleman, his family seemed to grow.

“Of course I meant it, it wasn’t just an attempt to stir trouble.” She giggled as he blushed. “I’ve been hiring quite aggressively. I have a fort, roughly the size of Redcliffe village, that’s in a state of disrepair but when it’s finished is going to be the biggest trading hub for erotic works in all of Thedas and beyond.” 

He sat down at a table with a thump before looking at her properly. “Yep, you heard right, we will be primarily trading in erotica and other offshoots of it. The Randy Dowager has an archive, but I want everything we can lay our hands-on and produce other things.”

“What do you mean other things?”

“Sexual aids, potions, manuals,” she stuck her finger in the ale to taste it. Lemony, eww, yeah not today.

“Potions?”

“Look, I’ll happily go into more detail, but this is my business plan, I don’t want to go into too many details before you’ve signed a contract to make sure someone else doesn’t snap up my corner of the market.” 

“If you want potions, you should talk to Clemence,” He offered, pointing to the man who was stood with her other Tranquil representative.

“I’ll do that, thanks. But honestly, when it boils down to it I have some rare tomes already, there is plenty of scope for research and exploration in the field. This is going to be a vibrant business with a lot of growth potential. If you find you want to manage, and you happen to be good at it, then great, or if you like shooting shit - fieldwork. I will have a proportion of tranquil, so if that bothers you then that might be an issue. And I am trying to hire merc groups too.”

“You’ll pay me and house me?” He was looking interested, she wasn’t surprised/ Redcliffe sapped the life out of anyone, even without the history he had here.

“I mean it’s not going to be five-star accommodation, but you will get a decent salary for the work you do, and I’ll provide you a room, and access to three basic meals a day. If you want anything beyond that, once the brothel is up and running, they should provide decent meals. I’m hoping that we become so busy that we may even get a restaurant.”

“A brothel?” He hissed, ducking down in the seat. It was as if he thought that no one would notice him. All eyes were on her most of the time now as it was, especially after killing the dragon, him slithering under the table wouldn’t do anything at all.

“Well, yes? It makes sense, we’ll need people to test things with to see what works best. And people have needs, better to give them outs for them than not right?” Also, in the middle of nowhere, there wouldn’t be a lot of variety.

“I have to sign a years contract?” He was in. Wonderful, another reason for Alistair to visit, to see his cousin. Maybe they could cycle the reasons round… Fuck it hurt just thinking about how long it would be until she got to see him again.

“If in the first month you decide it’s not for you, then fine, but yes, I want you to agree to a year minimum. It’s going to be hard enough to staff, without having to worry about people upping and leaving as soon as everything is in place.” 

“Why can’t we hire her?” Cole asked. She really didn’t want to explain it again, he knew exactly why she wasn’t keen on hiring the bard. She sucked with her very limited miserable repertoire. “She makes people happy,”

“She’ll get much more fame from being hired by other people,” or at least less infamy. There was no doubt Jen Her’ald’s Little Shoppe would cause a stir in certain circles. If only because she’d be setting up as almost direct competition to the Randy Dowager. It was time though, who on Thedas thought that Varric wrote decent smut. She’d found six other authors without even looking for it. 

“You could get her new songs to sing?” Cole was giving her the blasted puppy eyes. She was feeling guilty as it was, the day had been not ruined, but not as she’d promised. “Please?”

“I think the question is, why do you want her?” she couldn’t see the appeal, her voice wasn’t terrible, but she liked the dirges far too much.

“She’s helping,” for a moment she felt a flash of something that almost resembled jealousy. “Not like we help though.” He added, patting her hand. “But she helps, and you like dancing.” Yes but to actual fun stuff, not this trash.

“We don’t even have anywhere for her to perform yet?” She was trying valiantly not to hire the bard, but her resistances were crumbling rapidly.

“You hired all those other people too,” point - he had a point.

Fuckit, they were hiring a pisspoor - sorry, a bard in training to suck the fun out of life. Cole gave her the look that said he wasn’t happy. 

“Hi, you don’t know me, possibly?” She dragged her feet to stand next to the woman, who had finished the death song finally.

“You’re the one causing the stir in Redcliffe,” the woman gave her a smile.

“I mean, yes, you probably do know me then. Have you heard of what I’m trying to do?” She really didn’t want to hire her. Damn Cole.

“You’re hiring people to run a shop in the middle of nowhere, it’s a little strange but the King gave you a stamp of approval?” The woman looked as dubious as most of the people she’d spoken to about it.

“Very true…” he’d stamped his approval all over her, fuck she missed him. It hadn’t even been a day and she was already mourning his loss from her body. “Well, it has been brought to my attention-” by Cole, the sometimes not very bro spirit, “That I will need to entertain the masses.”

“You want to hire me?” She wasn’t the least bit surprised at the woman’s shock. She’d hardly hidden the fact she found the bard dreary. Even if Cole liked to listen.

“You show promise, and you might get some interesting -” please dear all that is fucking sacred expand the fucking song list, “inspiration.” Cole was beaming at her. Fuck she’d convinced the woman. Ugh. That hadn’t been fucking hard to do at all, did the woman not have any danger danger Will Robinson sense?

“Are you sure?” She could say - no, Cole was too happy. She couldn’t say _“no, you suck you boring woman”_ Cole would sulk or worse...

“Yes please come with us.” Perhaps if she didn’t mention the contract, then the woman might just leave when she discovered how cold the Frostbacks were?

“Will it be on the same terms as everyone else?” There was the briefest moment where she thought Cole might have whispered in the bard's ear to ask that, but he was still clutching onto her hand. 

“Everyone will be treated with the same contract. Pay will be appropriate to the position, and of course, any tips will be fully yours to keep, or share should you pull anyone else with you.” Maybe she had a backup bard who could take over and knew fun songs.

They shook hands, the bard not even flinching as she spat on hers before holding it out. In fairness, most of the deals had been done in the tavern so she’d probably seen her do it before.

Cole was happy. That was mainly what mattered. Cole was happy. Fucking bard.

“We don’t go chasing after dragons,” the negotiator from the Valos-Kas was giving her a suspicious glance.

“That’s good to know, but you would be up for running all over Thedas on expenses for random shit?”

“On expenses?” They were looking a little more interested.

“Of course, you’ll be going to some right shit holes.” She gave them a wink, “Val Royeaux being one of them,” there was a pause as they gave her a considering glance.

“And you want a locked-in contract for a period of no less than a year?”

“Yes, with the option to roll into a second year and so on after that period.”

“At the price you offered?”

“I trust it’s enough?” She knew it was. It was a very healthy sum of money. One she really was hoping would be worth it in the long run. It was also less than what she would be paying the Chargers should they accept. The dragon killing was more for them anyway.

“When would you need us to start?” Soon, yesterday. She needed someone to escort them back without losing all of the goods she’d gained and the people. The roads had heated up even since she’d arrived in Redcliffe.

“How soon can you start?” Best not put them off by asking them to time travel - oh Dorian, she should see if she could get Dorian to organise time travel if she missed out on sleeping with people… 

“A week, if we accept.” The negotiator was better than the bard had been at this. It was their job, after all, maybe she should suggest they speak to the bard… No, Cole was shaking his head. No, the bard was coming.

“When will you let me know?” She had to hold out for a couple more days anyway thanks to the frigging Chargers being further afield.

“They will accept,” Cole was busy petting a cat that was trying to sleep in the sun. She didn’t really doubt they would. Whilst there wasn’t news of a conclave being called, it couldn’t be too much longer.

“By the end of tomorrow.” Cole had already told her they were camped nearby, having finished up a contract with a merchant to bring fine goods to Redcliffe for the King’s arrival. She wasn’t entirely sure why they’d made her wait though.

“They weren’t sure what you were doing, so they waited to see what would happen.” Fair enough it made some sense she guessed. She could have ended up speared on the end of a pike.

“I look forward to hearing from you.” 

“I’m looking for a Jen Her’ald, I was told she would be either in the tavern or here?” well well well, Krem looked pretty good indeed. 

“You’ve found her soldier,” she winked at him.

“Cremisius Aclassi of the Bull’s Chargers,” He shook her hand as she held hers out. Firm, callused, dry. Nice.

“Nice to meet you, I’ve been waiting to hear back from the Chargers.”

“Finest group this side of anywhere,” He smiled as she grinned at him.

“So are they all like you?”

“All like me?”

“A classy guy,” she couldn’t help it as he let out half a groan. 

“Have you met the Chief already?” He relaxed as she shook her head. 

“Not at all, but I have heard great things about your team. Hence why I approached you,” he nodded, that was what she liked, no false modesty. “I do need to check a couple of things before we go any further?”

“Of course,” he declined the drink she offered. It was probably a fair call, the ale was lemony again. Whoever had decided that was a good idea needed taking out back. She’d need to find - no, she would hire someone to find a reliable ale person. Or whoever took over the brothel. Krem was watching her as she started to get distracted again.

“Uh, yes, so a couple of things. Morality wise. One, do you have rules about sleeping with clients?” 

“You really haven’t met the Chief,” she giggled.

“Right, cool cool cool, second issue, my business is in the erotic section, which will involve people of such a nature. Will you have issues working with such people on grounds of whatever?” She knew the answer, but better to come at it from she was the avante-garde one than Bull.

“You can run around naked Miss, and it wouldn’t bother us in the slightest as long as the pay keeps coming.”

“Good to know, my shop is in the middle of the mountains so maybe not much running around naked. Thirdly, Dragons - so far I’m up two high dragons, and I won’t always have a King to aid me,” He looked confused before his expression cleared.

“The Charger’s are trained to tackle any foe be it a spider or a particularly scary mouse, to the biggest of Dragon’s out there.” She’d have to pin him down later or get him to pin her down - for all the stories she sort of maybe remembered. A squirrel, or a chicken or something she had no idea.

“Wonderful, now the contract will be exclusive for one-year minimum, with a get out of jail free clause if both parties agree to an issue.” He didn’t give anything away. He didn’t need to, Cole was busy giggling.

“Bull wants to kill Dragons and even better if he’s being paid for it, they already heard rumours about the kind of work you were wanting.” Of course they had, even being as discreet as she had been, it would have gotten to the Randy Dowager by now.

It took another hour to thrash out the particulars of the contract, that they were only considering. She could already see the seal on the contract though.

“We’ll let you know by the end of the week.” 

“There will be a bonus if you can help escort back to the shop, with the other group who’ll hopefully also be joining us.”

“You will be hiring two?”

“Believe me, you’ll be kept busy.” He nodded. At the end of the day, if they sat around drinking, as long as she was paying the retainer all the better.

“One dragon will pay for them,” Cole mentioned as she did a mental calculation of how much ready gold she had access to. There was one cart hidden with the stuff, and then another in the secure stables. She’d be fine.

“I look forward to hearing from you,” She loved how he gave a quaint little bow as he took her leave. She had the Chargers, she had the Valos-Kas. She just needed - Sam.

“Krem!” She shouted after him as he was disappearing off up the road to wherever they were camping out. He looked momentarily distracted as she used the nickname.

“Did I forget something?” He was good enough not to mention it, he probably thought her eccentric. Rich people were after all.

“Even if you don’t hire on full time, can I pay you to do one thing for me?” 

“Obviously it would depend on the job, if its clearing out the Deep Roads…” He smiled.

“There is a carter based out of Therinfal who did me a favour back as I was starting out. I would like to repay that favour.” Cole clutched her hand, it had weighed on her since writing the last letter to Alistair. Shit was about to get real, and Sam might be someone she spent only a day or so with but.

“I’m sorry,” Cole whispered. It wasn’t his fault, not really, she was pretending that just because she was dead it didn’t matter. Sam had been nice to her, and she shouldn’t leave him to die in a horrible way.

“His name’s Sam, tell him Jen wants to hire him at double - or triple his rate with accommodation if it gets him to accept. Uh - “ she reached into her bag to pull out several of the loose gems that seemed to accumulate. He blinked at the ruby and diamond she handed over. “If you need anything other than that let me know, I’ll stump up the difference.”

“And where will we find him?” She felt lighter already.

“Therinfal Redoubt,” she marked it on the map as best she could.

“So explain to me again, how many carts of yours we will be escorting.” Adaar was standing in front of her, and all she could do was wriggle. God the woman was big, she could climb her all day. Must focus.

“Uh, well seven and another on its way hopefully.”

“There are only five here?” Adaar was giving her a look.

“Yes, well one is in the castle, and the other we will pick up as we leave.”

“Right, and how many people?”

“Oh yes, eight because people will have things too.” She’d forgotten that bit. It was easy to. Especially when it wasn’t about her or Cole.

“And how many people?” Hopefully Adaar thought she was merely eccentric. Not just a simpleton.

“Some people. More than twenty, more than twenty-one, maybe less than - are we counting mercs in with this number?”

“Do you need us to round everyone up to organise them?” Adaar asked patiently, very patiently, as if she was a simpleton.

“If you want.” She wasn’t going to argue, she had the bigger picture under control. This was what she needed other people for. Varric - she had forgotten to write to the bastard about a printer.

“Well for what you are paying for us, call it part of the service.” Adaar left, leaving her watching the very subtle swaying of a very shapely silhouette. She hadn’t asked if the Valos-Kas had issues with relations. If she was lucky it would be a question answered at a later date.

She had to hand it to Adaar and the rest of them, everything was ready and lined up to leave before she was on the last morning. Word had come through that the Chargers would meet them midway with Sam, his wife and child. She really hoped that it wouldn’t be a massive shock to the system. Mainly hers. Probably theirs, and everyone else's. She had no idea what she was doing.

There was a knock at the door, as Cole was finishing braiding her hair. Why he insisted on braids when Kaylee wore buns was beyond her. Still, it made him happy, as her umbrella with all its colours made her.

“It’s the tainted one.” Great, Howe.

“It’s open,” and Cole just needed to tie it up with a ribbon, she could do that though.

“I heard rumours that today was the day Redcliffe returned to normal.” Why he was still here as - well who was she -.

“He’s keeping an eye on you,” Cole helped. Of course, he was.

“Well, you know what they say, good things come to those who wait.” She wasn’t sure where she was going with that either, but it amused her all the same.

“I’ve done you the favour of escorting your bounty to the group organising the relocation. I understand that you are taking quite a few with you,” 

She wasn’t sure about a few, although if one counted the two merc groups, the group of tranquil, the bard, the apprentices and Connor, then yes she probably was. She was pretty sure they had enough food. Adaar had promised to check.

“Why start off small when you can step into the big tank,” Cole giggled as she burbled out utter crap.

“Quite.”

“Well, thanks,” she wasn’t sure what else to say.

“My pleasure, and I’m sure we will be seeing each other again,” 

“Cool, cool cool.” COLE! He flinched as she screamed. She hadn’t even thought about horses.

“The Valos-Kas have arranged how to transport everyone, I left some more of the diamonds.” Cole stroked her back. She was doing something truly stupid.


	9. Couple of things..

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Not Jen gets to grips with her current plan. She also isn't the best at counting.

Howe hadn’t been lying, she had hired a fucking nation-state. Cole had to stop her from returning back into the healer's hut to hide. It was a valid response and no doubt about it. When one got in above their head, hiding in someone else's house was beyond valid. As was rocking in a corner and calling for her mum.

“We have a plan,” it was not a great plan. “It’s a wonderful plan, everyone believes in it,” she didn’t believe in it. “You do, it will all be fine.” 

She wanted to pretend that it was those words of comfort that made her take a step forward. It wasn’t. It was the shirt that he’d stolen from Alistair that he promised to give her if she got onto the horse provided for her. She was going to wear that shirt as a comfort blanket.

“You need to say something,” Cole told her, climbing on behind hugging her tightly. She appreciated it, the hug not necessarily being told to give a speech...

“Thank you for trusting in - if not me, my coin purse. I wasn’t lying about the accommodation, it will be basic to start with. It will get better with your help. We will be the hub of the known world for excellence in research, manufacturing and excellence. For Erotica!” he giggled as there was a mixed response to her speech. She didn’t think it had been too bad considering she’d not planned it, and spoilers.

“Well said,” Adaar smiled politely before moving on ahead. They had ten carts, and Adaar had sighed when the hidden cart was revealed perhaps slightly overfilled with acquired objects and invisible things. She kept quiet about the rest of the items stashed in various locations until she needed them. The Valos-Kas dealt with it well, considering they couldn’t quite work out what was weighing it down so much. 

Eleven carts and Adaar was still smiling politely in her direction. She didn’t need Cole to tell her what she was thinking. 

“It's not as bad as you think,” Cole was helping. It was still pretty bad.

Another moment of awkwardness as they met up with the Chargers just as the temperature started to drop. Or perhaps it wasn’t down to the vicinity of the mountains. 

The Charger’s graciously allowed the Valos-Kas and Adaar to remain in charge of the escorting. On a personal note, her cheeks were aching from keeping the fake smile on her face. If in doubt, keep smiling. Especially if it meant it was harder for Adaar to throttle her because it made her look like a simpleton. 

Sam had looked surprising well, which was good, Cole couldn’t hear anything in his body that shouldn’t belong. It was a small worry, she had no idea if they would have fed the support staff the red stuff or not. Or even when they started to feed any of them it. Too many variables that she couldn’t work through because they didn’t matter until they did. When had she decided to be the fucking Inquisitor? 

His wife, Mary, had given her a suspicious look, understandable.

“Sam was a perfect gentleman. I was down on my luck, spent my last coin to get myself out of Redcliffe chasing a pipe-dream.” She felt the need to explain why she had sent a merc group to hire a carter she’d met once several years ago. Who probably didn’t even remember her.

“He said you were a herbalist,” He had, that was nice? Mary gave the carts full of treasure a dubious look.

“I was, am - sort of. When he offered to take me back to Therinfal after South Reach had no place for me,” she paused, how to explain Cole without explaining Cole. “It meant that I was back sooner, and I met someone who changed my life. If it hadn’t have been for Sam, I would have missed them,” possibly. She wouldn’t have had the Compassion and Cole conversation outside Therinfal at any rate. Not safely, templars didn’t seem to indulge in random as normal folk did.

Mary was giving her a proper look, no doubt wondering if she was going to produce a child out of nowhere. Sam was looking a little confused too. Perhaps it hadn’t been the brightest idea she had, but it definitely ranked higher than the bard… 

“Like I said, he was a perfect gent, many would’ve taken advantage of a lone woman in the middle of nowhere. He made all this possible, that’s all. I just wanted to repay that random act of kindness he gave me, and I will need an experienced hand at the head of my trading network.” Cole sighed happily in her ear as Mary gave her a genuine smile. The last thing she needed was an angry wife about something she hadn’t done.

“We will have a chat about contracts later,” Mary dismissed her, in the way that Adaar was prone to doing. It was a good job she didn’t give two rats about hierarchy really.

“Those were some interesting negotiation skills there,” Bull had sidled up to her. Their introduction had involved her having Cole letting her know if she was drooling. She hadn’t, but she’d also not been able to listen particularly well.

“I know, it’s how I’ve amassed such a team,” he was so fucking hot. What was it about them all, she wanted to climb every single one of them.

“Huh,” they were stood one side of the Valley, staring at her signed for castle. She’d have to get copies and stick them everywhere… Maybe the second thing they did, after sleeping.

“She’s a beaut, got some fixing to do, but yeah, sweet ain’t she.” Maybe she should call her Serenity if she was Kaylee? Maybe just in her head, the names would get confused enough as it was, come the time of the Inquisition with Solas… 

“You have people inside?” Adaar asked, she had been upgraded from simpleton to maybe eccentric. It was the castle, in the middle of all this beauty that did it. There had been a few moments where she’d been given suspicious looks as they went further into the mountains to an unmarked location… People just didn’t trust easily.

“No,” 

“The bridge is up, is there another way in?” as in did she just bring them the nobles entrance to show off the grandeur, and they had to do a three-week detour to enter through the tradesman's.

“It’s fine, it's voice-activated.” Cole had already hopped over to set off the controls. 

They didn’t believe her, which was understandable it was a little insane, and a lie. Ish. 

“Open Sesame!” they’d spent an hour practising whilst she worked out the plan the first time they’d been here. She’d been able to project loudly enough that he could hear without cheating. They were all looking at her like she was back to being a simpleton. 

The silence as the bridge lowered. She basked in it, which probably wasn’t fair because it was all a big con on her behalf, but they couldn’t prove it so it was a fucking awesome trick.

“You’re shitting me,” 

“Like I said voice-activated,” They would just think she had someone inside, which she did. They just wouldn’t see them.

“I think I have my first song,” fucking wonderful, who invited the bard - Cole, Cole invited the bard.

“Wonderful, I guess you mean the first original. Because we all really liked the other songs everyone else has given you.” There was a strangled choking from nearby. The first time the bard had started with the dirge, she’d cut it right off asking for anyone to contribute a song to gift to the bard to learn. Happy songs. 

It took some more negotiating, with a small mixed group of Chargers and Valos-Kas setting off across to check that nothing had moved in her absence. 

“There is a family of owls that have moved in,” Cole was perched on the steps as she twirled happily in the entranceway. It was nice to have some her and Cole time without lots of people looking at her.

“Ugh, it feels so good having this officially.” 

“Do you really want Rage?” Cole asked, she did, she really did, his fur was so pretty and imagine the things that could be produced with it. “Rage likes where it lives,” she wouldn’t ragenap it, but there was no harm in offering next time they were passing the village…

“If there is anyone else here, they are hiding extremely well.” Adaar appeared next to her, Cole giggled.

“Its voice-activated only to me,”

“We’ll make camp outside until we’ve managed to clear some of this rubble away.” Yeah, she probably should have hired a team of builders and not just shop keepers and mercs. But - then she should have probably also hired like an actual cook rather than them all taking it in turns. 

“You want to wait,” Cole was tugging on her braid gently. It was true, part of her wanted to wait until the Inquisition turned up, with their refugees, so she could hire them. The staff not the Inquisition. Long term goals, probably not great for short term though.

“Wonderful, so what do you think?” She was curious, in another lifetime this could have been Adaar’s fate, to rule over Skyhold, and lose a hand and possibly her life.

“She thinks Shok was crazy to accept the contract,” well, she wasn’t entirely wrong. It was also fairly late for them to do anything about it now.

“It’s got potential. You will need all the staff you brought and more if you want to turn it into the place you’ve been talking about.” 

“She thinks you are crazy too, lucky but crazy,” 

“First order of business - yes some of the buildings seem safe, but a lot of the areas need to be fixed. I need someone to go hire a team of builders, experienced in stone,” she was perched on the edge of the wall, her feet dangling as there was a small table set up beneath with a long list of things to be done. She hadn’t written it, because her handwriting was appalling apparently. Maybe she should have wrote with her dominant hand, but she didn’t want to scribe when she was paying other people.

“You mean dwarves,” Adaar drawled, scratching at her horns as Bull was lounging beneath to catch her when she fell again. It had hurt the first time, but she kept trying. 

“I would never, because I don’t see species, I just see people.” She was pretty sure the guy in the game had been a dwarf who had done the mosaic stuff, that she’d lain out on a table for Adaar to put back away. Apparently mosaics weren’t high up on the list of priorities. It had emptied something out of a cart though, which was high up on the list.

“Right Boss,”

“I require another to aid with the potions,” Clemence had requested this three times so far, he was also very good at keeping track of meetings. She wasn’t, Cole was better at it, she had more important priorities, like trying to find the correct height to jump from.

“Yes I know, it’s on the list - isn’t it Adaar?”

“You need a steward,” read, why was Adaar having to do all of this when there were other people too. Because Adaar had bitched about the handwriting, and had told her not to write anything else. 

“She thinks you need a fucking keeper,” Cole added, and she couldn’t help but giggle. 

“So, someone needs to go get some dwarven builders,” a silent conversation between Bull and Adaar that had Adaar grinning, as Bull cursed.

“On it Boss,” 

“Sweet, alright next - when I was touting for business - herbalist business, I ended up at the Temple of Andraste - Haven. They didn’t want me for whatever reason, but they did have a lot of materials just lying about the place.” Both of them let the silence rest, it was if they had decided the best way to talk to her was to just not say anything until she had to continue. She was half tempted to not, because she had Cole to chat with until they broke.

“They think you want them to steal from the Chantry,” It was fairly obvious that it would break the morality clause - not the stealing, but putting them up against the Chantry. They should know better.

“I don’t mean go in mob-handed to pillage them, but we’ll need more wood, easy wood not stuff that we might have to rely on ourselves in potentially lean times. I’m suggesting we trade for it, and if they have lots of ore and herbs lying about untouched then that’s just free money,”

“Like when you picked that Royal Elfroot out of someones garden?” Adaar asked pleasantly.

“I left them coin for it,”

“And took the seed,” 

“Of course,” it was how she’d made money in the beginning. It was how she was still making money and would continue to do so until they were up and running. Why pay for herbs and seeds when they were lying about the place just waiting for her to collect them, from peoples gardens, or sheds…

“I need to go to Haven though,” she really didn’t want to. Cole had nagged her into it.

“You don’t trust us to organise it?” They were both looking at her now. Fair question, she’d just abandoned all responsibility of organising stuff as soon as she’d hired them.

“It’s more, it’s the closest place to us, best to show my face ya know, good example. Clemence - how many health potions can you make? I know that you need an assistant and I am working on it I promise.” Connor she’d need to get Connor to suggest other alchemists who might like working in a pleasure palace.

“You have herbs for many, do you wish for me to work until they are all used?”

“No, but maybe a hundred? Possible? Without working all the time?” 

“Some of the guys will help, Boss,” brilliant. 

“Uh - there are a couple of people I need to track down too…” she’d been worrying about this. She really had no idea when the sky was going to crack but signs were that it would be sooner rather than later. She was running out of time to steal certain people and sleep with others.

“Some of the items I have acquired need a special touch - there was a girl that Alistair mentioned,” he hadn’t, but he wasn’t here to deny it, “Dagna, she’s a dwarf but specialises in the strange and arcane. I need her.” 

“Anything else to go on?” Adaar sighed. Maybe just maybe - she might have acquired a reputation for not being the most informative.

“She was at the circle in Redcliffe for a bit, Fiona might know?”

“Fiona?”

“Fiona - mother of Alistair, Grand Enchanter,”

“Right, Grand Enchanter Fiona, well that's more helpful.” 

“I do my best!” They both scratched their horns, they had massive tells when they didn’t want to call her on her bullshit. 

“So Dagna who was at the circle near Redcliffe, who else?”

“The Hand of Korth,” She wanted to screw his brains out, and she would lose the chance soon. Maybe she could even do his father too… She was getting ahead of herself, the likelihood of surviving once the Inquisition turned up with Solas to discover what she’d done here… well. She was planning to screw as many people as she could before that occurred.

“The Hand of Korth?” Adaar prompted.

“He’s an Avvar, well really it’s more we should embrace our Avvar neighbours who I have met once.” She hadn’t. She was pinning all of her hopes on tracking them down and then approaching with Cole to get an audience and then screwing the Hand. She needed to note that down in her book. 

“So where can we find them?” Adaar was giving her enough rope to hang herself with yet again. 

“I only met them in passing whilst herbalising,” Bull snorted.

“So you don’t know?” Adaar asked in that very pleasant way she had. The one where if she didn’t have Cole, she might be worried about not waking up the following morning.

“It can’t be that hard to track them down?” 

“Right, and when we have tracked him down?” 

“Then I need to meet him, but don’t approach them when you have found them, I need to be there.”

“For the good impression?”

“You’ve got it.” Adaar made a note.

“Anyone else?”

“This is more of a sending a couple of letters,”

“That are important and need to be done now?”

“Yes.” Sort of, she needed the publisher details from Varric and to see what the deal was with him out of curiosity. Bianca; she was still debating about.

“Where and to whom?”

“One to Alistair,” Not that letter, but another letter, another very important letter…

“The King of Ferelden,” Adaar muttered.

“That’s the one - maybe Connor wants to write too, I don’t know, we should ask him.”

“The other?”

“’S. One to Varric Tethras, who might be in Ferelden currently or might be in Kirkwall, or somewhere in between.” There was more horn scratching. “One to Val Royeaux, to a Bianca Davri asking her to visit for a chat about some projects she might be interested in,” 

There was a noise that might have been, _“Thank fuck,”_ when she gave an actual location. 

“Then the other thing is we’re going to need lyrium.” She added it quickly, because even without Cole she could read some basic visual cues - when she wanted to.

“Jen, I know you think you've hired a lot of people...” Adaar had put the list down, apparently the addition of lyrium to the list had been a step too far.

“Look - we need lyrium, Clemence has it on his list. Also I need other things from Orzammar that we’ll need contacts for. We need access to the Carta.” Clemence made a noise of agreement. She might complain about how many times he mentioned he needed things when they hadn’t been able to leave to get them yet, but she could also rely on him to back up her agreements to his list.

“For lyrium?” Adaar was shooting her daggers.

“And the forbidden works that I’ve heard rumours of,”

“Ah, yes, for the erotica too.” Adaar didn’t look like she believed that, but in actuality, the lyrium was really only secondary or quarterly - tertiary? Mainly she wanted Cadash, and then access to goods in Orzammar, and only after that lyrium. Though Clemence would complain royally until they got it, she wasn't entirely sure why he needed it. It wasn't needed for healing potions, and that was the only thing on the production list currently.

“But the thing is, I’m not particularly friendly with some of the Carta families,” Adaar didn’t look surprised. “But there might be one family who may be interested in working with us or me - Cadash, try and hunt down a Malika or Edric,”

“Pulled those names out of the air,” Bull had moved to scratching his jawline. Cole didn’t seem worried though, maybe he was considering something other than her fate. 

“He’s wondering if he can volunteer for some of the easier jobs and leave the harder ones for the Valos-Kas,” Cole petted her gently.

“Contact suggested it,” It was a relief that jawline scratching was more Bull debating if he could pull one over on Adaar, she wouldn’t lay odds on it though.

“Right.” Now Cole had told her, she could see the gleam in Bull’s eye as he spoke, he was winding up to wind Adaar up.

“So, yeah, doable?” she asked wanting to before Bull stirred the pot, Adaar kept quiet for a minute. 

“She’s trying to work out if this is a breach of the contract.” Cole was balancing on his hands next to her. 

“A couple normally implies two. For future reference.” Adaar picked up the list.

“Hey it works in your favour right, I gave you a couple of gems, and it was a handful.” Cole giggled as she couldn’t help herself.

“So, is there anything else we need to work into these few items?” Adaar carried on.

“I have a couple of jobs I need posting in places - but that can be combined with everything else.”

“A steward?” Adaar was very keen on the steward idea. 

“I thought I could just pay you more?” 

“Jen, I am not your steward,”

“It sure looks like it,” Bull helped. 

“I’ll remember that when we are dividing up the endless sea of tasks.” 

“I didn’t add we need to start sending out for invitations to set up a brothel,” 

“Good, we don’t have anywhere for a brothel yet.” Adaar was utterly fuckable when she looked ready to thrash the cheek out of them.

“For Haven, I was thinking just Sam, maybe Clemence and a couple of fighter types? Its just a trading mission.” She wasn’t completely unhelpful. They wouldn’t need to send anyone else really, because Cole was more than enough to deal with most threats between the two places.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Everyone will be very glad to know that Not Jen actually shared her name - 15 chapters deep... she's as helpful to write as she is to Adaar and Bull.


	10. Builders...

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Running the brand new nation-state of shoptopia is really hard. Much harder when the steward doesn't want to steward.

Adaar had chosen to escort them, it was if she didn’t trust her. Mary was also coming with their child, with Sam shrugging. She’d had a chat with Adaar about how nice it was that they had the touch of respectability that came with having a nuclear family in the party. Cole had understood, and Adaar had just ignored her.

“See what I mean about untouched resources,” She pointed to all of the stuff that was lying about. If Haven wasn’t going to use it she would. Even if she didn’t really need iron for anything. Or maybe she did, maybe she could make iron toys for the people who suffered from anaemia and just didn’t know it.

“Please can we not start stealing things until we’ve concluded the business.” Adaar had gone passed being polite, the exercise in organising two groups going in seventeen different directions had used all of the woman's patience.

“It’s not stealing,” 

“Let's not take it into the village though,” Adaar hadn’t complained too much when she’d shown Clemence the amount of herbs, nor when she harvested them and placed the seeds in a special bag. 

“It is like you’re drawn to them,” Mary said, after the fourth time she’d paused to collect another one.

“I mean, it was how I started out. I’m not exactly good with a bow or a sword,” and she didn’t need to be, she had Cole.

“And I have you,” they exchanged happy smiles. 

A cart with cheaper than average goods and a small contribution to the Chantry had them an audience with Grand Chancellor Roderick.

“It is good to see those who prosper remember their faith,” He was looking pleased with the sack of coins she’d placed on the table.

“I completely agree, Sam here who helped me out when I had nothing but a herb to my name, can attest to that. Although, between you and me, I did steal him from the Templar Order, but their loss is my gain.” 

“Wonderful, and you wish to trade for wood?”

“Yes, I noticed you have a fine set up for it just outside of the gates when I’d been turned away years ago,” he frowned. “They were rebuilding some of the houses, and even the tavern hadn’t finished being reconstructed.” 

“Perhaps in this instance, it was our loss,” He was won over, Cole had been giving hand signals to guide her through the minefield of sweetening him.

“Is anyone truly lost from the Chantry?” bleargh, she hadn’t had to pretend to have any faith for such a long time, but they needed not to upset him.

“Wise words indeed,” They’d agreed a price, at his advantage for the wood. 

“You have access to a lot of iron too,” she was walking a tightrope.

“Andraste has blessed us with many resources,”

“Outside of the walls, would you mind if I was to pick up any up that are loose?” for a given value of loose, Cole had stolen a pickaxe already and placed it in the cart for their return trip. 

“If it is loose, our people do harvest when we have need. It would be churlish to deny you the right of whatever is left.” 

“He thinks there isn’t much out there,” She really wanted to investigate the cells, while they were here too. Not the time or the person to mention it too.

“Thank you for your time, Grand Chancellor,”

Adaar had given her the side-eye as they settled into the tavern to relax. Sam and Mary more than capable of organising supplies and setting up trading schedules. Clemence had been dropped off with the Alchemist and his assistant. 

“So.”

“Great isn’t it,” she gave Adaar a grin.

“That’s an interesting job description, to put in a place that has no researchers,” 

_“Looking for researchers, to work alongside and under tranquil, year contract minimum, great pay, see Jen Her'ald's local trading representative to send interest.”_

“People like to come on pilgrimages to the temple, all sorts of people,” 

“They do,” Adaar gave her the not a simpleton smile.

“When he said loose, he probably didn’t mean using a pickaxe,” Adaar muttered as they were prising big chunks of iron out of the rock. It was there to be taken, and she hadn’t just pulled all of the stuff right next to the wall. She’d gone further afield.

“Do you think that druffalo is going to attack?” 

“You can’t kill chantry druffalo.” Adaar was almost the opposite of Cole currently.

“I wasn’t going to,”

“No, you were going to ask us to,”

“It was more a question.”

“Adan will send an apprentice next time we visit,” Clemence had been pleased for a Tranquil, with the visit.

“I told you I would find you an assistant.”

“You know you’ll need more?” Adaar helped.

“For the potions you want to produce, you will require two more experienced alchemists,” Clemence agreed.

“We need a publisher to get the word out unless they keep?” 

“We have not created them yet, I do not know,” Clemence informed her like he also believed her to be a simpleton. She had learnt to tell the difference in his monotone, when he wanted something he didn’t make her feel like a complete idiot. He had his prize currently, so she was back to idiot merchant status.

“We will send out for experienced alchemists then,” better to just admit defeat and give Clemence whatever he desired, for a peaceful life.

“And herbalists,” Maybe she didn’t like Adaar after all. Maybe she preferred it when Adaar was more cautious around her.

“Yes, we will also-”

“We’ll need to hire more carters on too,” Mary added.

“Adaar has the list,”

“Steward, you need a steward.”

The builders had made quick work on making the tavern habitable and had cleared most of the problem areas from the main hall. 

“So if I wanted to open?” she recognised a familiar female in the crowd of dwarves. Who definitely wasn’t a builder. She looked like a fighter.

“She is,” Cole agreed, he’d been happy for days. His favourite- “You are,” his second favourite person was entrenched firmly now she had an actual place to work with a ceiling. 

“Open for what?” the foreman asked.

“How long to get the outside and some of the guest rooms up to snuff?” He made the noise, the builder noise, the breathing in through his teeth. 

“On a schedule?” She could hear the ka-ching! And see the bags of gold and shit in his eyes at the idea of her wanting it done sooner.

“I may have invited the King of Ferelden to cut the ribbon.” Adaar cursed loudly behind her. It might have been news to people other than her and Cole, but only because she hadn’t told anyone other than Cole. In complete fairness and in her defence, she hadn’t delivered the letter, they could have opened it and read it. How was she supposed to know that they would respect her privacy?

“Alright, well, we can work to that timescale, when?” The Foreman was practically rubbing his hands together, builders, no matter which world she was in they could scent money.

“A month,” someone dropped a hammer behind them. “He’s coming in a month,” 

“You need to tell me things like that!” Adaar snarled in her ear. 

“Right, it’ll cost you, and we need more wood, more nails, more everything. I think we can get it looking like it’s open if nothing else.”

“And I need a couple of rooms fixing too, to be usable,” He was now giving her the same look she knew Adaar was behind her.

“Which?”

“One of the cells - it needs to be safe, and my room - just need the stairways checking and making safe,” she’d organised the furniture to be picked up from Val Royeaux when Bull had won the toss for collecting Davri. 

There was a blowing of air from his cheeks, “doable, the room itself seemed fine, the stairways just need a bannister, can’t do anything about the other lower rooms though. Not yet.”

“That’s more than fair,” they shook on it.

“When were you going to share that the King was coming?” Adaar pulled her to the side. 

“It’s fine it’s all under control,” sort of. As long as the bed turned up in time, Bull had been given strict instructions to make sure he was back in time.

“You need a steward,” Adaar was good at expressing how upset she was at her. It was all in the lines of her back as she stormed away, for the sixth time that week. “Seventh,” seventh time that week.

She knew she shouldn’t have said anything, it was always a massive mistake to open her mouth around Clemence.

“The apprentice needs a workstation.” 

“I am aware Clemence, why don’t you talk to Adaar about it?”

“He did, I am not the steward,” Adaar seemed to hover in her vicinity no matter what nowadays.

“She thinks that she might be able to stop you agreeing to more things before anything else is finished.” Cole was sulking at her, it wasn’t her fault that she hadn’t been able to let him braid her hair yet. “You don’t call Maryden by her name,” not this again, please Cole. “She thinks you hate her.” Well… no, she didn’t hate the bard, not really. 

“What does the apprentice need for a workspace?” She wasn’t sure if she should ask the question because no doubt it would be a fucking golden throne.

“There is a room that has been opened up that will have space for us, but it will need securing so that the apprentice doesn’t fall over the edge.” The builders were the bane of her existence currently.

“You mean the Undercroft?”

“Yes.”

“You want the builders to secure the Undercroft?” Adaar was glaring at her as if it was her fault. Clemence was particularly needy for a tranquil. The ones working out of the library had - no they had also pushed until the builders had secured the rooms for them too.

“How urgently?” 

“We need alone time,” Cole pulled on her hair, pouting. She knew they did, but people kept bothering her because Adaar wasn’t being the steward. “She doesn’t want to be,” well tough, she didn’t want to be pestered about it all and she was. Adaar could suck it up like a big girl. 

“Until there is sufficient tools, we will not work.” She needed Clemence to carry on working on the potions, because they would need a ton of them to donate to Haven and to kit their own people out with.

“Right - ok, Alistair won’t care, the builders sorted out the cell-” Adaar choked, “I’m not asking him to sleep in the cell,” stupid Adaar not being the steward and making her do all the work. “The place is sort of fit for inhabitants, everyone has a room now right?” 

“For a given value of room,” Adaar was sharing her room with them, well she thought it was just Jen. 

“And the stairway to my room is secure so he won’t tumble to his death,” the furniture had arrived too, with a suspicious Bianca who had agreed to return with smiths to work on some ideas she had. The clockwork based fucking machine had been a delight to discuss. 

“You are giving up your room?” Adaar asked. It was a fair question, they had both struggled sharing Adaar’s not entirely small room. Adaar snored, and claimed she did also. “You both do,” thanks Cole. 

“I’m sharing it.” With more than one person.

“When the Undercroft is secure we will return to work.” The gospel according to Clemence.

“You need a steward to deal with all of this,” Adaar patted her on the shoulder. Typical, there was a perfectly good steward in Adaar if she just embraced the role as hers.

“Thanks for that, just let me give you the role?”

“I am perfectly happy as I am. You need someone who is going to be here permanently with experience in balancing everything.” This was the moment to tell her Shok had signed another two-year contract. Cole was shaking his head. No, no it wasn’t.

“Put it on the list?”

“I am not the steward,”

“You have the list,” Bull appeared, took one look at them and turned back around.

“Coward,” Adaar muttered, she wasn’t wrong. 

“So Krem…” Krem was good with this shit too, he’d helped Adaar out a lot.

“No, he’s mine,” Bull had an unerring ability to sense when she was about to poach.

“Uh?” Krem was looking confused.

“Adaar said no to the job again,” Bull stated giving her a stern look, like that would work, she would just wait until he was distracted with someone and then ask. Krem sat down properly on the chair ignoring the worlds worst bard, to pay attention to them. Cole was glaring, not the worlds worst bard.

“She’s already doing it, I don’t see the issue,”

“That’s the problem Boss, you don’t see the issue. Even if all you did was send out notices saying you need a steward, but you haven’t.” 

“I might have done,” she hadn’t. She liked Adaar.

“Yeah, you haven’t. All of them are going out through us, them or the carts. You have sent out for kitchen staff which is good, and alchemists. Clemence is uh, insistent I can see why on that front. You’ve even sent out for bids on running the tavern,” he gave her a grin.

“Well, it’s pointless wasting this space with that,” Cole pinched her, and Krem frowned. “She has access to happy shit, why is she still singing dirges?” 

“Because people like them,” Bull explained slowly.

“There is enough shit going on, a bit of cheer is needed.”

“How about next time we’re out, we see if we can find you another bard?” Cole looked ready to kill Bull. This is why she didn’t like her, Cole was obsessed. In fairness, Krem wasn’t looking overly happy at the idea either.

“She helps!” It’s like he didn’t even notice she existed around the bard.

“I need some alone time,” She announced, they needed some time together alone without the rest of them. Maybe then she would want to stab the bard just for breathing. Cole nodded, wrapping himself around her arm. Bull blinked. 

“Or not, I can’t tell what’s going on in that head of yours boss. You need to send out for a Steward and then Adaar will stop bitching at you,” 

“Fine - tell her to send out,” he was shaking his head.

“Nah Boss, you don’t understand, you need to write it, and make a big show of sending it out.” Things to do, that was not on the list that she wanted to do.

“Right. Look - I need like a day, and then I’ll be all over it,” He gave her another look.

“You need company?” Ugh, it was the first time he’d offered, and she knew he had seen she was interested. But no, it was her and Cole time. It’d been far too long since they had alone time together. She’d been sleeping in Adaar’s room, and sadly not as a bedmate. 

“Raincheck?”

“Sure thing Boss,”

They’d snuggled like puppies for the first couple of hours. It was a lot having this many people about all the time. They were interfering with their them time.

“I don’t like her more.” She knew that, sort of. Maryden wasn’t really for Cole, but still, it was annoying how he got around her. “She likes you, but she worries that you will get rid of her at the end of the contract,” 

“You spend more time with her now,” she was jealous. It was odd going from having Cole always about and touching her, to being alone without him.

“It’s safe here,” 

“I like you for more than keeping me safe!” wincing as he pulled a particularly stubborn knot from her hair.

“It’s harder when Adaar is there, she notices things.” That was the issue in hiring professionals, they did. He’d started combing her hair during a meeting to soothe her, or him. The “breeze” had been noticed immediately.

“From now on, I am sleeping in here,” She made the decision and said it aloud. It would help so that they could curl up with each other. She’d missed him. “I missed you too,” Cole was the sweetest.

“Do you need a hand bathing?” One of the Chargers had finished heating the bath for her using magic. She’d asked Connor if there was a way of making runes to do it. He suggested she asked the expert when they arrived. Dagna, she couldn’t wait for Dagna to turn up with Alistair.

“I’m good thanks, just need a nice long soak,” 

Cole had miracle hands, she didn’t even need to say where her aches were he knew. “You keep purring,” he giggled lifting her head out of the water after she’d gone boneless from his scalp massage. “Stop thinking,” 

So she did. She stopped thinking. She stopped thinking about how to kit out the tavern to offer the ultimate pleasures. She stopped thinking about how to get an eluvian to put in front of the big wolf statue that was on the battlements covered in painted daisies. She stopped thinking about sex swings, runes, toys.

“I love you,” 

“I love you too,”

Bull had been right, Adaar gave her an actual real smile. The notice for a steward was handed to the library staff to be copied out and then delivered to Sam, who would distribute it with his staff.

“Work has started on the Undercroft,” 

“Thanks, I meant to speak to them yesterday but got distracted before I could.” Cole was holding her hand, and she didn’t care if it looked odd with her fingers curled up.

“As a show of good faith, Clemence has resumed making the potions. He has pointed out you could also buy them,” 

“I mean technically, he is being paid to make them, so in a way I am,” 

“He has a point,” she wasn’t commenting about the amount that had been requested. Last time she’d checked they were up to over five hundred of the things. 

“Until we have a dedicated team to looking after the garden of herbs, and we have more alchemists,” Cole stroked the back of her neck.

“Jen, it’s your business, you pay people. You pay us well, if you want us to stand around and hop on one foot, then it’s your coin.” 

“Too many things need doing first, have we managed-” Cole moved closer as everything started to pile up.

“Right - Jen, I will agree in the short term, and only in the short term to make the decisions. We need to sit down and chat properly,” Adaar was looming over her. Fuck there was too much to do. Cole was murmuring in her ear.

“Alistair will be here soon,” that actually helped. She needed to steal more of his clothing. The shirt had quickly stopped smelling of him.

“You’ve said what you want to do with this place, but then you seem to be delaying on some of the things you want doing?” Adaar had doused a drink with honey before handing it to her. 

“I’m sweating the small stuff,” it was true, Cole was nodding, her brain kept spiralling around all the things she was running out of time for.

“What small stuff?”

“The Cadash family haven’t responded,” that was easier, because Malika was in the castle even if she was pretending to be a builder. 

“They are sending a representative to meet with us in the next week, you’ll have access to all the dwarven erotica you could ever want.”

“We need to start advertising our wares,”

“You don’t have many yet, and the shops are a long way from being open, but they will be. The coffers are full enough to fund you for a good few decades yet, and we won’t talk about where you got some of it from.” It was probably wise. They’d had a conversation with Bull one night about it.

It had gone;

“So Boss, we noticed some of these items were stolen from a vault that the owner is trying to track down.”

“Oh,”

“Yeah, maybe we get rid of the stuff that’s identifiable,” Possibly stealing actual intricate and engraved jewellery had been a touch silly. They had though organised a body with a note on it to be found in the middle of nowhere accusing Gaspard of organising it. The family heirloom had been returned with a note saying that she’d come across it whilst trading, and the rest had been broken down and dealt with.

In many ways it had made things much easier, the rumours about where she had gained her wealth, from being funded by the Qun, Gaspard, Tevinter, the Carta or the Crows clearing up shortly after. Even if it did make both Bull and Adaar watch her more carefully. She could hardly have told them it had been Cole the friendly spirit who’d performed the removal.

After that incident, Adaar had decided to just ignore where it all came from. They were getting paid regardless.

“I have big plans, but I’m running out of time,”

“No offence Jen, you aren’t exactly ancient, what are you, 30?” 

“I could be shot through the heart with an arrow tomorrow,” Or the moment Solas turned up and saw that she’d turned his castle into a pleasure palace. 

“We all could,” 

“Have we found the Avvar yet?” it was silly wanting to see the Hand of Korth, especially when Alistair was due soon.

“We have a lead, a promising lead, thanks to Sam.” Adaar paused, “Is this a personal issue?”

“How do you mean?”

“Bull has suggested that you might be a little… tense, and that you need to let off some steam,” Adaar took a drink, “if this is about us tracking down an old lover, then that’s fine, you are paying us. But also - there are people here too,”

“Sort of?” better to be honest, because they always seemed to know when she outright lied. “They do,” thanks, Cole. 

“Sort of?” Adaar asked.

“You know when you see someone and you just need to know?”

“So he’s not an ex-lover?”

“No, he’s someone that I really want to screw.” 

“And it’s urgent?”

“Yes?”

“The King is due soon,”

“I know,”

“It’s as important as getting the Carta contract?” Adaar didn’t seem to be judging her.

“It’s hard, he’s such a hothead, I fear if I don’t do it now, he’ll end up getting himself killed before I can,”

“Ohh…” 

“She thinks that its because he’s a bad boy that you are interested,” Cole mumbled. Maryden - there she did know how to use the name.

“Live fast die young, and all that. He’s a bit like a rebel without a clue,” Adaar choked on the ale. “But he’s so big, and has huge hands, and ugh, he looks like he’d hammer me into the ground, and his beard. I can just imagine straddling his face ya know, and just riding it.” 

“Right,” Adaar wrote it on the list. Why didn’t she want to be steward, she was perfect.

“She likes being a mercenary,” well she would have been Inquisitor, maybe, or dead, this was much better in the long run. “She doesn’t know that.” Cole was so logical at times, also his hand on her neck had the best calming effect.

“We need a publisher,” Adaar stopped. “For a catalogue to send out to brothels all over Thedas so they can order things, and then we send it out for a delivery fee.”

“That’s why you wrote to the author?” 

“Mainly, I also wouldn’t mind having a ride on him as well.” Because honesty.

“Is that the plan?”

“What to sleep with everyone I can? Pretty much,” 

“The catalogue. It seems like a worthwhile expense, and if you could do it in house, you would cut costs,” Adaar pulled out the rough sketch of Serenity, that wasn’t called Serenity other than with Cole.

“We have space, I also want to turn the rooms overlooking the garden into guest accommodation. Make it into an experience. Maybe run training seminars?”

“On what?”

“The toys, like the clockwork fucking machine, or the other toys.” 

“So to brothels?”

“And to couples, rich ones, who want to spice up the bedroom. Or single people who want to meet up with other rich singles who like certain lifestyles…” The opportunities were endless.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Next chapter has added Alistair - yay! and fumigations.
> 
> Also I was going to split this chapter up, but then I was like, no because this would mean people have to wait a bit longer for Alistair, and no one wants that. Especially not, Not Jen.
> 
> Oh and the best beta I have is me reading each chapter aloud and catching the errors - but sometimes I giggle so... Any errors are from me giggling and ignoring them ^_-


	11. Fumigation

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Alistair spared no horses.

“He’s coming,” Cole interrupted her plotting of economic global domination.

“Alistair?” That was much more interesting than deciding how best to take down the old biddies who had no taste in the Randy Dowager… 

“Yes,” Cole was busy watching the skyline. Alistair was early not that she was complaining, “The horses are tired,” nice.

“CONNOR!” She hung off the top of her balcony to shout down to where he was training with some of the other merc mages.

“WHAT?”

“I NEED A BATH PLEASE?”

“WHAT NOW?”

“NO NEXT WEEK, YES NOW!”

“I’M BUSY,”

“YOU’RE MESSING ABOUT JUST - YOU WOULD HAVE BEEN DONE BY NOW!”

“SOME PEOPLE ARE TRYING TO SLEEP!” shit, yeah she should remember that some of the people worked during the night for random reasons. “Guard duty,” Cole was good at reminding her why. They didn’t really need guards yet, “Adaar thinks we do,” Adaar was a massive worrywart.

“SORRY - CONNOR COME ON!” she was just going to assume him throwing his staff onto the floor and throwing his hands up in the air, was him agreeing that he would and what a nice person she was. 

“He-”

“It’s fine Cole, that’s what we are assuming,” she had another thought as she skipped down the steps to open the door leading to the wider castle.

“ADAAR?” she could hear the sound of the lower door opening and Adaar’s cheery face peering up at her.

“Don’t shout,”

“I had to get your attention somehow,”

“You could just come down another set of stairs and there I am at the bottom of them,” Adaar liked to tell her off about shouting. The castle was too big. They needed a bell system hooking up.

“Connor’s coming to make me a bath - I saw signs when looking out that the King’s almost here. Can you make sure that the materials out and draped? And that the stables are ready, and that the gates down?” 

Adaar sighed.

“Please?”

“The stables have been prepared for the last week, you’ve claimed you’ve seen something every day. The material is draped over the problem areas. In other news, Clemence appreciates the open air of the Undercroft but his apprentice now needs warmer clothes.” She would fucking kill the apprentice. The worst decision they had ever made was allowing Adan to provide them with her. She was the world neediest apprentice.

New rule, if anyone volunteered someone it was because that person was a nightmare and they wanted rid of them. Well no more problem employees at her door, thank everyone very much. She was running a tight ship of a warm and happy working environment, respect being tantamount to how it all worked.

Connor stomped up the stairs, stomped across to the tub of freezing water from the roof supply, which was little more than slush and heated it for her.

“Thanks, Connor, Alistair’s almost here,” He didn’t respond before stomping down the stairs and slamming her door shut. He was such a teenager at times.

“Please stop annoying the mages like that,” Adaar sighed, reopening it again. “And please stop shouting off the balcony, people don’t want to hear you bellowing at random intervals. It’s not as cute as you think it is.”

“She thinks you have something loose in your head,” Cole was busy pouring more honey into the bath. What was the point of a balcony if she didn’t use it. Maybe she could convince Alistair to do a Romeo and Juliet complete with - “No, you hurt when you fall off the levels, you’ll die if you fall from this height.” 

“Yes Adaar,” being the respectful person she was, she’d learnt to just blindly agree and then do shit she wanted regardless because better to ask for forgiveness. “It’s not,” it sort of was. With money, or gems as a bonus.

“I wish when you said yes, it was a yes of agreement that you won’t do it again, instead of just pandering to me.” Adaar closed the door, she didn’t need to be Cole to know that the woman had rolled her eyes. Adaar liked rolling her eyes when she thought no one was looking.

“She likes you, she just wishes you were less random,” Cole was busy undoing her hair from the fancy fishtail he’d put it in earlier. She’d seen it on one of the horses too. “Jessica likes to make them look fancy,” figures.

She splashed and wriggled, scrubbing the sugary salty soap over her skin. She wanted to be sparkling before he defiled her. Cole was doing his best to rewash her hair.

“You need to stop moving,” 

“I can’t help it,”

“He’s missed you too.” She knew, she had a letter from him, which had been a list of all the things he had thought about doing to her having made him wait so long to visit. 

“I - do you think it’s silly I haven’t slept with anyone here yet?” It was something that had been mentioned a couple of times since she’d had the chat with Adaar about the Hand. It was as if, her having admitted to having sexual desires openly had encouraged others to chat to her about it. It’s not as if she hadn’t based her whole future business around the erotic arts.

“They thought you were interested but didn’t want to touch,” Cole dunked her under the water, don’t think it don’t think it don’t think it. “A little like me, that’s what you think?” It was something they hadn’t talked about because they didn’t need to.

“I love you,” 

“I love you too.”

“ALISTAIR!” She couldn’t help it, she could see the largish group coming over to the edge of the bridge and Cole had pointed out which one was Alistair. He looked like a tiny ant. 

“SHUT UP YOU DEMENTED WOMAN!” oooh yes, people were still trying to sleep well tough, Alistair was here.

“SHIT SHE’S RIGHT, THE KING’S HERE!”

“SOUND THE BELLS WE HAVE GUESTS!”

“SSSSSHHHHHHHUUUUUUUTTTTTTTTTTT UUUUUUUPPPPPPPP!”

She was already halfway down the stairs as Adaar slammed the door open, took one look at her in her Kaylee dress with umbrella, and sighed.

“You were right,” the unspoken for once hanging there.

“Move, I need to go greet him,” she didn’t have time to be dressed down by Adaar, maybe after she might bother to listen. Like after the - two weeks he was here for. Because it was a real trek from Denerim and he would need to recover. 

Bull was standing in the middle the walkway across to the battlements.

“Move Bull!” she didn’t have time for his bullshit today.

“Now Boss, we are a bit con-”

“Bull if you don’t move I’m firing you,” he stepped aside.

“Well, I tried, look-” 

“Bull - la la la, I’m not listening.” He did steady her as she almost skidded off the edge of the bridge, which was nice of him, even if he was still in the way.

“Be careful?” It’s like no one trusted her. Cole - not now, Alistair is here.

“Always,” she breezed, she falls off once or twice and they think she has a death wish. Bull snorted.

“ALISTAIR!” she was jumping up and down waving as he appeared at the edge of the bridge, with Adaar standing at her back. “They think you are going to jump off the edge in your excitement,” Cole had hold of her hand - they couldn’t see Cole. 

“Permission to enter?” He didn’t shout, he projected. Oooh the NOPE was up.

“Permission granted!” she pushed the N back into place so it was OPEN as it should have been as she told Adaar to make sure.

Adaar didn’t let her try and scramble down the front, instead, picking her up by the scruff of her dress and depositing her on the actual stairs. She wouldn’t have hurt herself, he’d have caught her. Maybe.

He was so fucking hot, on a scale of 1 to 10 and 1 being no she couldn’t think of a 1, but he was definitely a 10. Riding in all manly on his manly steed with his puppy following at his heels. 

She ran at him - and he - swoon, majorly swoon, caught her by leaning down and scooping her up to give her the - brain failed.

It was all she could do to remain breathing as he snogged the life out of her. Alistair. Fucking wonderful.

“Jen,” Howe gave them a look as he rode passed the island of lust that they had created in the entryway.

“Herah Adaar, acting Steward for Jen Her’ald’s Little Shoppe of Odds, Gods and Sods, pleased to meet you.” 

“Nathaniel Howe, Acting Warden-Commander for the Ferelden branch of Wardens and deputy for the King’s security. Would you mind showing us where we can stable up?” 

“I’m Dagna, I love the view!”

“Jen will be pleased to meet you Dagna, she’s just a bit…”

“She isn’t the only one. Senior Warden Alistair, put her down!” 

“Maybe a bucket of water?”

“Technically it’s not Ferelden any more so it shouldn’t be treason if one of us did it?”

“She’s already threatened to fire me today,”

“It looks like they are coming up - no, false alarm. Perhaps we should just leave them to it?”

“Jen!” Mary’s disapproving tone broke through the life extraction Alistair was performing on her through his masterful kisses. Shit, small child who had come to see the hero-king was now looking slightly… uh. Bashing at his chest he rallied faster than she liked.

“Sorry Mary, uh-” having to cough to stop croaking. “Uh Alistair, meet your second biggest fan, Jamie,” Mary didn’t look like she was going to kill her, things were good.

While Alistair dealt with his adoring fans who weren’t desperate to jump his bones, like she definitely was…

“Adaar?”

“No.”

“We need to shut the stables down,”

“No.”

“For fumigation,”

“No.”

“For like twenty minutes,”

“No.”

“Great, - Dagna lovely to see you, Adaar will look after you for the next twenty-five minutes. I need to steal Alistair off to the stables to show him the fumigation - it’ll be very dangerous no one else should come.”

Alistair gave her a grin, catching her words.

“Jen, don’t you even dare,” Adaar growled.

She didn’t know that Alistair could growl like that when Bull moved closer to stand between her and her prize of the hero King.

“I tried Adaar, I tried.” Bull was the biggest wuss in the castle.

“Mary?” Adaar appealed to the scary mother.

“Time for Jamie’s to go back inside, nowhere near any windows. Say thank you to the nice King,”

“Fank oo” Jamie was totally putting it on, it the was the same voice he used to get extra presents off his dad and any other poor sap. She was on to - oh hewwo Alistair.

Twenty minutes turned into an hour, as they reintroduced themselves. He was fairly good at letting her stay on top, the straw scratched something chronic even through the blanket. And the stairs needed to be sanded down properly before she sat naked on them again, Cole had discretely pulled out a splinter whilst Alistair was getting them some water. 

“Hello,” He leaned down to kiss her as she was pulling on her smock again. He could kiss…

“Hi,” oh hello arms wrapped around his neck, his nice strong neck that tasted… 

“Missed me huh?” He wrapped his arm around her waist and lifted her clean off the ground.

“I mean I seem to remember you not even waiting to pull off my panties, so I think it was more like you who missed me,”

“You taste of honey, what was I supposed to do,” Fuck his growl did things to her womb.

“They want you to come out now,” Cole tugged on a strand of her hair. It wasn’t fair, they just - “They need to make sure you are both fine,” ugh whatever.

Adaar was glaring daggers at them, they were sat at the table eating with everyone else. She didn’t see what the problem was.

“You weren’t quiet,” Cole was busy petting Pebbles, the mabari. She hadn’t caught the name back in Redcliffe, and she’d almost choked on air when Alistair had officially introduced them.

“So…” The silence was beyond awkward at this point, Howe wasn’t talking to Alistair, and Adaar wasn’t talking to her, and everyone else was pretending to be having very in-depth conversations about rubbish.

“No more fumigations,” Adaar snapped. Alistair made a hmm noise as his hand started to slip under the table, only to pull it back up as Howe slammed his knife down next to Alistair.

“Senior Warden,” 

“Warden-Commander,” 

“Jen Her’ald,” Adaar sighed next to her. “What I thought we were introducing ourselves again?”

“Except he’s the Warden-Commander,” Alistair pointed out, she couldn’t help the uh-huh noise that slipped out. She really didn’t know why they were lying about it. Other than - no it made no sense whatsoever.

“So how was the trip?” Adaar poured herself another drink, it must have been the third so far. “Fourth,” fourth so far, thanks, Cole. He just hugged her.

“Not too bad, a lot of talk but we didn’t come across much trouble.” 

“That seems to be the general consensus right, Adaar?” 

“Jen?”

“When you guys go out, that there are rumblings but you don’t often have to smack fools down.” Adaar took another drink, sinking further into her chair.

“Boss, what exactly do you think we do when we go out of the castle?” Bull asked from only slightly further down the table. 

“You go round going, RAWR we are big and scary, look at our muscles and weapons, ROARRRRRR?” She couldn’t help it, as Adaar gave her the stink eye.

“Really, because we aren’t human, we must roar?”

“No I told you, I don’t see races, species or whatever, I just see people and classes. But you warrior types, like Ali here,” she couldn’t help but run a hand over his exposed forearm, that he flexed just for her. Fuck she wanted to sit on him again.

“Focus Boss,” she didn’t want to, and Alistair wasn’t helping in the slightest being all manly and sexy and fuck he hadn’t shaved before eating like Howe had told him to...

“Right, so us warrior types just go roar?” Adaar asked having decided to ignore the way she was squirming next to her.

“Ali does,” she said with a happy sigh, he'd roared for her earlier, twice... Who knew she had a kink for roaring, well she did, now.

“I don’t want to know,” Howe added, as Adaar poured her fifth drink.

“I don’t think people want to know, Jen,” Alistair agreed with Howe, whilst flexing his arm like a giant tease.

“Stop tormenting her,” Maybe Howe did like her. Alistair flexed once more before stilling. 

“I have an idea,” Cole nodded at her, it was the best idea. Adaar wasn’t looking convinced. “Alright I need to make an announcement!” she picked up a glass and started smacking her knife against it.

“Tell me what it is first,” Adaar tried to pull her back down again, but she was far more sprightly than Adaar and was able to dodge with Cole's assistance to stand out of reach, which happened to be half resting on Alistair’s knee, with his hand cupping her hip. He just needed to move it down a bit.

“Everyone I would like to propose a toast, in honour of our esteemed guests, Dagna our alchanist-”

“Arcanist,” Adaar hissed, Dagna didn’t seem to mind.

“Our Arcanist who I have lots of cool ideas for, but you need to give me like a day or two weeks?” she flicked a look at Alistair who nodded, stroking a finger discretely up her leg. “Uh, and Alistair here, the King of Ferelden - but he’s like here, so you don’t need to do the Kingly shit to him, because this is the nation-state of Jen’s shoptopia, and we don’t stand on formalities.” She could feel Adaar considering how best to kill her.

“And then our other guests, the Warden-Commander, Alchemist Tiffany-”

“Tippany,” Tiffany-Tippany corrected her with a smile.

“Sorry, Alchemist Tippany who will be a welcome addition to our world-class alchemy studio, Clemence,” She didn’t know why Alistair was smuggling Tiffany out of Ferelden to her nation-state but if it shut Clemence up then more the better. “And of course all of you others who are as or more important - you may have been able to guess, but names aren’t my forte.” 

Alistair snickered into her back. 

“Right anyway - welcome all, and for those who are staying, and those who aren’t I hope you enjoy your time here. To the good beginnings!” She raised her glass as everyone joined in.

“Alright, one last thing - I hereby announce national holiday lasting until like uh morning after tomorrow!” Adaar hissed, she hissed at her. “With pay!” There was cheering and then some of the not really her staff looked at Alistair with a question.

“Of course it will be for all,” Alistair added, as everyone cheered loudly.

“I am going to kill you, who is going to cook?” Adaar reached over and pulled her down, with Howe turning his back to protect what little modesty she had left.

“People can cook for themselves, they are capable.”

“And guard duty?”

“We’ll work it out, but I need some time tomorrow for this room to be fumigated,”

“I’m on holiday,”

“Great, I’ll just slap a big sign on it,”

“I’m on holiday, I can’t currently hear you.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I don't know if you can tell, but I really like writing this. I'm supposed to be editing an original novel that's due in by the end of March, but Brole, Not Jen and Alistair keep nagging me to play. I keep also trying to space out the updates but then I wake up and I think, Nah they want to see other people too.


	12. Teapot

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Holiday day!

Cole poured the stamina potion that he’d taken from the Undercroft into her mouth, they’d run out in her room, not that they were doing a lot for her. Thanks Cole, he was a lifesaver. Alistair was on his back in front of the fire, whilst she rubbed oil into his chest. It meant holding slippery small glass bottles was challenging. She was fairly sure he was asleep. If only because he was making the cutest huffing noises, that made her think of Pebbles who had taken up residence on Cole’s floor cushion.

Alistair, they’d made it as far as closing her door before he’d lifted her up and slid right in like he belonged. He did belong. Get a man who could walk upstairs carrying her whilst fucking her, check. The little sofa thing that hid a load of blankets - check the rug, twice check, the balcony - check but they had been shouted at to keep it down. The loft thing that stored the spare bedding and some other things that she was currently hiding, check. The bed - they hadn’t made it to the bed yet. 

When he woke up, she would pull him into the bed.

“You need to sleep too,” Cole nagged, she knew that, but the stamina potion was making her blood sing, and fizz and pop. It’d be a while before she’d be able to, or just another good session with him. “No more,” she didn’t have Warden stamina though, “No more tonight,” he was concerned in a loving way. No more, and not because she could see the faint tendrils of the sun coming up over between the railings of the balcony.

“Will you stop squirming minx, some of us are trying to rest,” or maybe she could when Alistair pulled her down to snuggle up on his chest, his arms wrapping around her like a bear. Her bear.

The day was spent rather lazily, she’d slipped down to the kitchens to grab bread and meat, even indulging in his stomach to provide cheese. 

“Jen?” Not Clemence, she was fine, she couldn’t deal with any more demands when she had better things to worry about upstairs waiting for her.

“Yes, Mary?” She could deal with Mary, even if she was a bit scary.

“Jamie wants to know when you are going to come out to play,” well she was a bit busy, and Mary could tell. She was giving her the look that implied that Mary was glad there was no mistaking her interest in partners. Not once had she even given Sam the side-eye. He’d talked about his wife and child, she wasn’t interested in being a homewrecker - a country wrecker maybe, but not a homewrecker.

“It’s a holiday day?”

“And last holiday day, you and Jamie learnt three dances, and spent lots of time together. Jamie would like to know when you are planning to show your face…” Adaar had a hand in this, this was payback.

“Uh-” 

“Shall I tell him that you are just having something to eat and you’ll be down and clothed shortly?” How was it that Mary could make her feel like she was three, after what her and Alistair had been up to.

“I mean…”

“Wonderful, I’ll send Jamie up to collect you if you lose track of time,” fucking wonderful…

“Thanks Mary.” 

She’d managed to slip out of the room on a “business” reason, leaving Alistair to slip back into sleep with Pebbles on the bed. It was nice to know that even with his warden stamina, she’d managed to wear him out. 

“He was tired from the journey,” yes, thanks Cole. Let her keep a little bit of professional pride, “But he isn’t paying you,” no - she paused. No, they weren’t going to argue about whether or not she was a professional shagger.

“Jen!” Jamie to his credit, did look pleased to see her. She was half expecting Jamie to look confused about her presence. 

“Hi Jamie, sorry to keep you waiting,” she wasn’t in the slightest, but maybe dancing would get her limbs all back into alignment before tonight - maybe they could fumigate the inn…

They started off nicely, she liked the macarena to start, it got them jumping about, and as per usual, whilst only Jamie would join in from the beginning, by the end there would be at least four or five of the others in the group. 

“Heeeey Macareeenaaa,” the only lyrics to the song she knew. They’d been banned from doing it in the inn, the taller members hit the fittings, and Mary wasn’t keen on having Jamie doused in ale. Cole was very good at remembering the moves each time, so she would spend the first round copying him.

Reach for the Stars, would be next because she loved a bit of cheesy hand waving, with a YMCA thrown in for good measure. She didn’t know the lyrics other than Young man, and YMCA, but Jamie appreciated the zeal she put in the movements. Saturday Night had to be done as far from the Macarena because even Cole got a bit confused as to which arm waving with jumping went with which song. She did know a couple more lyrics though, like Saturday Night da da d da da da, heeeey macarena - no that was the macarena again.

It was amazing how many very cheesy pop lyrics she could vaguely remember, Jamie liked Reach. So did Cole, a lot. The bit about mountains and achieving dreams was something that was probably really poignant considering the situation - but it was a classic cheesy bop and she remembered the lyrics without Cole helping.

Krem was surprisingly good on his feet too, and would lend his arm to throw Jamie up into the air as she would shout Reach, and then catch him again. Mary had banned her from it, when - and in fairness, she hadn’t thrown the six-year-old very far, she’d missed catching him, and it had been Cole, with a round of forgets. Mary hadn’t forgotten seeing her miss though.

“Alright, one last song and then I need to return to my guest,” who would be wondering where she was - oh, no, no he wouldn’t. Fuck, Adaar probably told him where to find her.

“She didn’t,” Cole answered as she pondered how easy it would be to hide behind Jamie. She should have spent lessons on being a rogue and learnt how to vanish. 

“I’ve been enjoying the show,” How did he look so debauched - oh, yeah, that’s right, they spent almost twenty-four hours getting him that way.

“Well, my feet are starting to hurt,” and she really didn’t want to embarrass herself any further by flailing like a decapitated chicken in front of the man she wanted to bone until he had none left.

“Teapot dance-” That - fucking Adaar, that had to be Adaar.

“No, we need something to cool down to, the teapot dance isn’t that,” it really was, and she was lying through her teeth. It was also the most ridiculous dance ever, and he would never sleep with her again after it.

“I don’t know about that Jen, we often use it as the cooldown dance,” She hated Krem, with a passion.

“I think you are mistaken Cremisius Aclassi, I think you are very much mistaken,”

“Oh no Krem, she used your full name, I think she’s going to threaten to sack you next,” Stitches was also going to be sacked. In fact - she could see Bull leaning against the wall too with that shit-eating grin on his face.

“Teapot dance Jen, pleasse,” fucking Jamie. Cole wasn’t helping as he started to hum the tune for her, as if she didn’t know it.

“I’ve forgotten it.” 

“Funny that Boss, you forgetting it like that, when you’ve done it oh, a good few hundred times in the last few months,” that’s it, Bull was totally sacked and all of the Chargers and they could go sniff around the Inquisition and only get paid half the pay. And she’d give away their rooms for when they ended up back here.

“Hey, Jamie, why don’t you show her the dance and see if she remembers,” fucking Adaar. They were all supposed to be on holiday, and yet they all seemed to have gathered round to watch her make an absolute fool of herself in front of the one man who should have wanted to shag her.

“Alistair - I think I saw that Howe was looking for you, in the stables,” she tried.

“That’s funny, because I’m right here,” fucking rogues being all sneaky and hiding with Alistair. 

“We need to cool down Jen, after all that active dancing and jumping about we’ve been doing,” it was alright for Krem, his love interest joined in. Maryden liked dancing too, and didn’t seem to mind making a fool of herself which as good really considering she did so every time she sang.

“Pen,” Cole was giving her a look, alright maybe Maryden didn’t.

“Last chance to leave before you never want to sleep with me again,” She was all but begging Alistair to leave, but he just leaned against the wall next to Bull making himself comfortable. Well, maybe she didn’t want to sleep with him after all.

“Alright, no heckling from the crowd, otherwise you are sacked.” 

“She likes saying that,” Howe commented, as Adaar nodded like the traitor she was.

“She likes to use it as a threat all the time, I can’t actually remember the last time anyone was worried about it.”

“Oi!” She was very scary, and a very strict boss. Fucking Jamie. “Alright, no more than three rounds because we’ve almost cooled down anyway.” 

Would Alistair prefer seeing her back or front? “Both, he likes all of you,” she could turn during then.

_“I’m a little teapot, short and stout, here’s my handle and here’s my spout, when you hear the whistle, it’s my shout, pick me up and pour me out,”_ Perhaps her delivery on the first round was a little wooden. She did, however, do the actions, and even ignored the small ripple of snickering from the crowd. The second round was easier, and on the third she got into it, making sure to shimmy her hips with the faint growl of want from Alistair reassuring her that perhaps all wasn’t lost.

“Thanks, Jen!” Maybe, just maybe Jamie wasn’t a complete little shit.

“No problem - by the way, little announcement, the inn is now being fumigated,”

“Boss?” She was going to ignore the outrage in Bull’s voice as Alistair picked her up around the waist, with Jamie being dragged away by Mary to be protected from the heathen boss woman.

“Yep, fumigation in the inn, for like -” she pressed a kiss against Alistair’s lips, musing with the two brain cells she had left, “an hour,”

“Two hours,” Alistair added, his fingers exploring her bottom through the tunic, she liked a man who knew how to take his time. Especially when it was time spent on her.

“Yep, two hours,”

“Damnit Boss, we were about to go have a game,”

“Well, it sure looks like you were out here trying to piss me off, so… you can have the game out here while we fumigate, for the good of you all,”

“Adaar!” Ha, like Adaar would intervene when it was going to piss off Bull.

“I’m on holiday,”

“Come on, she can’t do this,” ha ha ha, she could because she was the fucking dictator of Shoptopia, it was, after all, her name on the building, not his. “It’s not your real name,” thanks Cole, no but it was the name they thought was her real name. 

“See you in like two hours folks!” 

It was impressive how he just carried her around like she weighed nothing. Although, having tried to pick up some of his armour from the middle of the pissing bedroom floor where he’d dumped it… well perhaps not a huge surprise. And his arms… they were built, he was built. 

“The Inn is now - are we claiming this is done?” He asked after she peeled herself off him. They’d used the bannister, the countertop - once he’d lain someones cloak down because ick - sticky. She’d ridden him on Krem’s chair, on Bull’s chair, by the fireplace upstairs and down. They hadn’t gone into peoples rooms, because that would be rude - and she was kind of hoping to be invited into the corner one when Sera turned up…

“I think so?” the kitchen had been filthy, even using things to rest on. Well, there was a reason why she wasn’t eating anything from here yet. “No one is using it,” Cole pointed out, that would be the other reason. Also the rats, she almost asked if he wanted to kill them as a quest. Realistically though, she would be the one who benefit more from killing them. Would she level up? “No,” Cole was looking at her like she was a simpleton now.

“Wonderful - do you think we could maybe do the next round in a bed?” Alistair asked, hiding his chest with his own tunic. He was warm enough that he could have remained topless… For the good of his health, she wouldn’t want him to overheat. 

The idea of using a bed though, she was happy with that. The bed didn’t have splinters and weird stains that might be vomit. She was desperately trying not to think about the gunk she’d put her hand in earlier.

“I mean… I know you are getting older now, so, I guess?” He swatted her on the backside. “Cheeky, not here, not when you’re wanting a bed which is all the way up in the tower…” so very far away.

“I’ll have you know that I am at my peak, I can keep up with anyone in this place,” she wasn’t sure if he meant the empty tavern - because even then she wasn’t sure he could keep up with Cole. 

“Well you definitely know how to keep a peak…” That was poor, but he was still indulging in her crappy sense of humour and laughed regardless. “He thought it was funny,” Cole beamed at Alistair, that however was more worrying. It wasn’t, maybe - maybe he hadn’t been laughing out of courtship, but because he had a juvenile sense of humour? “So do you,” fair point Cole, fair point.


	13. Falling

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Two people are revealed to the group, and not deliberately.

She’d finally been introduced to Zev, a week into the stay. He’d revealed himself whilst screaming for Alistair and help after she’d leaned too far over the balcony watching Alistair train below. Her hands might have been a little slippery from the long bath that she’d indulged in to get her muscles back in good order. That and Alistair really loved her salty honey taste.

Cole was doing his best to keep hold of her, because well, she would have fallen to her death without him grabbing onto her ankle after she’d gone over the bannister.

“ALISTAIR, HOWE, ADAAR, ANYONE!” the frantic Crow was screaming whilst she dangled, seemingly balancing by her feet against the edge of the wall.

“Oh hai, new member of staff?” She couldn’t help it and Cole was threatening to lock her up in a straight jacket after they managed to rescue her. 

The blood was rushing to her head, which was understandable considering she was upside down, and Cole had a very tight grip on her ankle - oh, that sounded like the railings creaking, maybe she would die.

“You are not going to die,” Cole informed her, it sounded in her opinion at least, that it was more that he was telling himself that. It would make things a bit easier, if Alistair was here, so- “STOP IT!” she didn’t have anything else to do, “You aren’t going to die, it won’t be easier for anyone, you will not die,” 

“Everyone dies eventually,” maybe not Cole, but she would as would Alistair, even when they discovered the cure to the warden problem. 

“ALISTAIR!” Zev screamed looping his belt around her ankle and grabbing onto the door handle.

She had the benefit of being able to see the moment that they looked up, the people below - she’d had a better view of them training. Maybe the zen state she found herself in was the mixture of bath, good sex and all the blood in her head. The sound of one of the railings going and Cole cursing pretty much guaranteeing her fate.

“Well, it was nice to meet you,” Maybe she should tell Zev important things now whilst she still had time.

“Shut up shut up shut up,” Cole growled at her.

“You are beyond crazy,” Zev sounded like he was straining, he probably was. 

“They are coming, uh - maybe if you let go-” 

“NO!” this was from both of them.

“I just mean, better not to let Alistair watch it happen right, so, when I say he’ll be in the castle and then you can stop him seeing my splattered body?”

“You crazy woman, we can save you, you aren’t going to die today!” Maybe that was a bit harsh, but she didn’t want Alistair to be traumatised by seeing her splattered all over.

Cole was slipping too, she could feel him, and she didn’t want him to be hurt. “You are hurting me now,”

“You know I’ve been living on borrowed time for a while now, a good few years, by all rights the fact that I even got to meet Alistair is a complete bonus,” It was something she’d thought about a lot since recruiting Sam. If it wasn’t for Sam, she probably wouldn’t have met Cole, and when she invariably pissed off the wrong person and ended up dead because of it. She had a talent for pissing off the wrong people, and Cole had a talent for them ending up dead.

“Jen - I’m not listening to your death confessions, Alistair!” oh shit she was going to get Alistair killed, and not in the cool dragon killing way that would only add to his badass legend. He was going to die trying to pull her up over the edge.

“Shit Boss, the fuck have you done?” Cole’s grip was trembling, she’d lose her foot and her life and well. She started giggling.

Alistair wasn’t speaking, time was going really slowly. She was going to die falling off a balcony, there was someone cool who had died that way, who had it been, huh, Juliet had taken poison, or stabbed herself. She’d stabbed - no, Romeo had stabbed himself, and or -

“Shut up!” Cole yelled at her. 

She passed out or died. No, she’d passed out, because the next thing she knew she was downstairs in the Undercroft with Clemence and his apprentice standing over her feeding her potions.

“You have woken, the King will be pleased,” Thanks Clemence, she wasn’t sure anyone would be pleased with her - but she’d left letters to Alistair - maybe she should write some for Adaar and Bull too. But Bull was still a secret agent, so maybe not.

“She isn’t responding Clemence, maybe she’s not really awake again?” The apprentice looked ridiculous in the furs. It wasn’t that cold down here.

“Her eyes are responding to the light,” Well, of course, Clemence would be the - she employed Stitches, why wasn’t he in charge of her health, oh - she’d sacked him. No, maybe she hadn’t?

“Shall I go get the healer?” yes, stupid apprentice, get the healer for the biggest baddest boss in all of Shoptopia - other than Clemence and Adaar - and technically Bull but only because he was taller.

“Have you finished bottling?” Surely her health was more important than bottling up potions?

“Yes, Clemence,”

“Then yes, you may go and wake the healer.” 

He waited for the door to close, before moving to her side, his hand resting against hers in an odd show of comfort. “Cole asked me to inform you he would be with the King,” shit. “You have the Tranquil support,” double shit.

“Clemence?” Her voice was hella croaky, and it hurt.

“The belt cut your ankle to the bone, you screamed loud enough to wake the whole castle, it is believed that you are lucky that it didn’t snap off.” That would be the curious heated throbbing from her leg. She wasn’t sure if Alistair would want to bone her now. Shit, he knew about Cole, fuck, she was lucky he was even still here all things considered.

“Cole?” She managed one word.

“Three people have left, no one important or useful.” Shit, they all knew.

“There was a discussion as to the wisdom of allowing you to keep the castle,” well, regardless they had stolen it away from Solas and the Inquisition, “The people who didn’t agree with the decision have left. They were made to forget.”

“Shit,”

“Yeah Boss, shit,” ugh, Bull hated demons and he’d think Cole was a demon.

“Hi?” she croaked, maybe he would buy the weak pitiful thing? 

“Adaar’s been looking at the books, and has decided that we all get a percentage of the business.” She could live with that. “You keep 55%, Cole has 20% and the rest is split equally. And we all got a nice fat bonus, for putting up with a crazy-ass boss who has no respect for her own life.” 

Owww even giggling hurt.

“Dagna is delighted,” Clemence released her hand, with Bull taking his place - shit did she look that bad.

“So Boss, anything else we need to know about, while we are at it?” she couldn’t even shrug without hurting, it was like she’d been stretched on a rack, maybe she sort of had.

“No?”

“No, that's a lie, or no because you don’t think we need to know?”

“Yes,” he snorted as Stitches bustled in, poking and prodding her.

“You won’t be able to climb any stairs for a bit, or put any weight on it, Jamie will be unhappy that you’ll be missing out on dancing for a time. Clemence and Tippany are working on regeneration potions to get the flesh back,” Ewww, it must have shown on her face, “Yes, at the moment, until we can get it to work without cutting away more of the flesh, we’re waiting for it to return naturally.”

“Adaar’s not happy,” thanks Bull, she was guessing no one was currently happy.

“The King has informed Steward Adaar that he’s going to take you back with him to keep an eye on you.” Clemence was much better at explaining than Bull was. Who just wanted to torment her in her hour of need.

“No,” Not that she had an issue being loved up with Alistair, but she had a plan, and she wasn’t going to abandon it now.

“Yeah, good thing Cole is busy talking to them both,” Cole would solve it, Cole was good like that.

“Steward Adaar instructed barriers on all edges,”

“There’s a book on as to which one you manage to fall off next,” Bull was running a thumb over her good ankle, and she could feel tears prickling, her body hurt, she just wanted Cole.

“Shit, Clemence have you managed to get the new pain stuff ready?” new pain stuff?

“It keeps running through your body too quickly, you’ve woken up several times already with the pain, this time is the first you’ve spoken,” Bull answered her unasked question. It really hurt, it really really hurt, so fucking badly.

The world went white and fuzzy. 

Adaar was standing over her with Dagna.

“Can you do anything with them?” Anything with what?

“Oh yes, we’ve managed to use the pain remedy and put it into rune form, all it needs is to be placed on the ankle and it should stop hurting so much.” 

“The King-” Adaar sounded a little bitter, “has requested that we track down Anders, he would but he can’t according to Howe and his adviser,”

“Cole did say that a spirit healer might be able to heal the damage, without keeping her strapped down for the next three months,” Dagna was busy poking at the suspiciously numb limb.

“H-” shit she couldn’t even speak, but it was enough to get their attention.

“Jen, you kept screaming, no speaking for a bit.” Adaar was short. Not in a height way, in that way she loomed.

“F,” uck, fffuck, fuck fuck fuck,

“Hi, Boss!” Dagna was perky.

“Jen, no talking,” Adaar was giving her the glare. “Tippany, can you go get the King?” 

“Jen, we all know about Cole and it’s ok,” she knew ish, “Right, because we keep having this conversation and the pain relievers keep making you forget things, like this.”

Where was Cole, she needed him.

“Cole is coming with the King, because someone needs to keep him from taking over the blasted place - why couldn’t you take up with someone easy to overrule, like Bull?” ow ow ow, giggling hurt.

“I heard that Adaar,” Alistair, Alistair - COLE!

“She’s properly awake,” Bless Cole, Cole her wonderful adorable bestest friend in the world ever, “I’m not talking to you,” what?

“Shit - Cole, be nice to her, it’s the first time in days she’s been aware of anything,” Cole hated her, what even was the point.

“I don’t hate you, but I don’t like you very much,”

“Right, maybe we need to leave these two to have a chat?” No, she didn’t want to be left alone again, not if he hated her. “I don’t hate you, I just don’t like you very much,”

“Perhaps we should have a chat?” Alistair was trying to soothe the situation but it was hopeless, and her body still hurt, even with the weird numbness, and the hurt was inside too. It hurt in her chest.

“You aren’t dying!” 

“Shit, Jen do you need more pain killers?” Adaar asked, with Dagna making hmm noises.

He hadn’t even touched her, and he always touched her. Alistair was stroking her cheek but she didn’t need Alistair, even if it was very nice. She needed Cole to touch her. 

“Cole, she’s crying, we need to know if it's her ankle or her throat,” Adaar sounded stern, and a tiny bit panicked.

“Have you started looking for Anders?” Alistair was snapping at Adaar and it wasn’t even Adaar’s fault. Please Cole?

“When have we had chance to look for him? You mentioned it yesterday, we don’t have any idea where to start!” 

“You don’t even think you did anything wrong,” Cole was hovering next to her. She hadn’t meant to fall, “You don’t think about danger!”

“Cole, she doesn’t understand,” Alistair’s fingers had stilled but he was still touching, even if Cole wasn’t.

“She doesn’t think it matters, even when it matters she thinks it's all fine,” Cole, please, she knew that she’d upset him. “You scared us all,” Sorry, she was sorry, she hadn’t meant to.

“Can we not do this right now?” Stitches intervened. Cole, Cole please, she didn’t mean it, she was sorry, so very sorry.

“Cole, is she physically in pain? Is it her throat, is it her stomach, is it her leg?” She couldn’t help but whine, it was her soul, he was hurting her.

“You hurt me,” 

“Shit, you always touch don’t you, like - her hand isn’t curled up like a weird claw - fuck, you are always there.” Bull took charge and put Cole’s hand in hers and she clenched as hard as she could so he couldn’t escape. Then panicked, she couldn’t clench her hand, had she damaged her spine? 

The high pitched whining was definitely coming from her.

“Cole!” 

“She - no, it’s the painkillers they have you on, it’s why you are flat because you can’t hold your body upright, even whilst awake.” But she could feel, she should be able to grip, “Breathe, you need to breathe, Alistair she needs to breathe,” 

“Panic attack, no more painkillers until we need to, the rune should be enough, I hope,” she heard the muttered latter, she wasn’t sure she was supposed to have done.

“Alright minx, we need you to breathe, because apparently you can still cause your own misfortune even without trying.” Alistair looked awful and pale, and he was smiling at her. 

“He’s been as worried as I was,” Cole muttered, but he was holding her hand, and if she - she couldn’t move over to let him curl up next to her. “No snuggling, you’re in trouble. Snuggling is a reward for good people who don’t try and kill themselves,” she hadn’t, not really. 

“Yeah Boss, no snuggling, not even with Cole,” Bull was sacked. 

“She’s fine now, she just didn’t understand,” Cole flexed his fingers, it was more than she could have expected. She also really needed to be kissed. “No, no kissing, not until you are better,” that wasn’t fair.

“Jen, I will kiss you senseless when you’re better, but there’s no challenge if you already there,” she wanted to giggle, through the tears, because Alistair was trying to make her laugh.

“She needs more rest, pointless asking for the room to be cleared, but please Jen, sleep while you can,” because the pain would creep back and they wanted her to sleep before it returned. Sometimes she really didn’t need Cole to tell her what was unsaid, and sometimes that ability sucked.

“We’ll stay right here,” Alistair whispered into her hair. Ugh, she was such a child, and the tingling please Cole, don’t tell them, please.

“It’s coming back,” there was a hiss from the gallery, “She knows who might know where Anders is though, Varric,”

“Varric?”

“The same Varric she’s been bugging us about for the printers?”

“He’s in Haven,” Cole, she would be fine, Varric would never forgive them if they pressed him about Anders. “I don’t care, they think you might become like a templar if they keep you on the painkillers for too long, and you would rather die,” he paused, “DON’T think it,”

“Jen… We need to get you an actual healer, they don’t know if the bleeding is from your throat or further down,” ulcers - yeah she didn’t need bleeding ulcers in the world of no endoscopy.

“Exactly, they need Anders, we need Anders.” Cole was being firm, and it was almost comforting, but not as much as his fingers now at the base of her neck. She loved him. “I know, and I do too,”

“Right - well, they’ve called a conclave-” NO please Cole, she couldn’t lose him, please Cole.

“Cole?”

“She wants to know when the conclave is,” Please Cole, no, don’t let them.

“Three weeks Jen, word came in whilst you were asleep, we’ve sent word back to Denerim to say that I will be staying to attend,” COLE!

“Jen is worried about the conclave,” Cole please, “For reasons I can’t share.” Cole! “Because she’s just got a feeling about it,”

“She needs sleep, not upsetting,” and the world was going hazy again, Cole please don’t let him go to the conclave, please.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I was quite nervous about this chapter - I'm also currently working on chapter 20 so like there's that. *drops and runs*


	14. Confrontations of the third kind

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Sometimes an inside voice stops being purely an inside voice.

She woke, in a bed, it was the first time in a week she’d been allowed to wake up in a bed. It wasn’t her nice bed, that she’d spent a fortune on, and had nagged Bull to get back in time. It was though a bed, and it felt a damn sight better than the table she’d been resting on. Or passed out on.

“Is he back yet?” She was massively paranoid about how long they’d been gone for. Why Alistair had insisted on going to Haven to throttle Varric into giving up - she didn’t need Cole to tell her she was lying. She would have done the same if it was Alistair in this situation, but also, she knew that he was in danger.

“No, do you really think he wouldn’t have come to see you? If either of them wouldn’t have been as soon as they returned?” Adaar was busy working in the corner of the room, ah, Adaar’s room, she’d missed it so much. Just as much as she’d missed the snoring, and the constant judgement about decisions she’d not made in relation to staffing. That was Adaar’s job now though. Ha ha ha.

“Why did they both have to go?” She knew why really, Cole could read Varric’s mind and find out where Anders was and Alistair wouldn’t need to actually throttle him. Being that they were supposedly friends or some shit. 

“Want to talk about why you’re being so paranoid about them going to Haven? The place that’s full of the Chantry and representatives?” Adaar didn’t even look up to talk to her. She was doing the pile of parchment busy trick. 

“Because templars are fucking crazy?” Adaar snorted. Alright, maybe that wasn’t the best thing to say, “You know when you get that sick feeling in your stomach and you just know something bad’s going to happen,”

The door swung open, with not even a knock to check she was decent. Ha, she hadn’t been decent since she’d hit puberty. But Adaar pretended to be a respectable person, for a merc, who had taken on running a new pleasure palace. So really it was all in the look of things that propriety should have someplace. Or something.

“Jen!” Dagna looked pleased to see her, even though she must look fucking rancid.

“Hey, Dagna,” 

“Cadash turned up, well, Cole revealed her, she’s agreed to the terms,” Adaar mentioned as Dagna beamed, Dagna was for Sera not for Cadash - although maybe they would form a trio… 

“She’s already managed to find me a supply for lyrium to play with, but I have a new patch for you today to try,” she could feel her spirits sinking. She hated the patches, they made her skin feel odd, cold, numb and like worms were eating at the flesh. Stitches was getting annoyed at having to show her the wound to prove there weren’t.

“Great… I mean sorry, thanks Dagna, I know it wasn’t what we had planned - the things that we can’t see?”

“I think I’ve it cracked, just need to play with the lyrium and glass a bit more, but I get glimmers it’s very awesome!”

“You need to see the ankle, Jen?” Adaar actually looked at her, maybe she was squirming again, she couldn’t tell any more, it was like her body wasn’t her own and hadn’t been since the whole falling thing...

“Please?” she hated sounding so pathetic, but maggots and leeches, not that he’d used either, but she’d thought about them and now they were in the back of her mind moving about like the disgusting things they were. She was never going to a swamp again. Which would prove to be an issue when she wanted to track down the Hand. Sigh.

Adaar was gentle, helping her sit up before peeling back the loose binding. No maggots, even if it was bizarre seeing a band of her missing where there should be something. Dagna took advantage and replaced the rune with the new one, that felt buzzy.

“Do I want to know?” She was fairly sure she didn’t.

“Cold with healing and regeneration, no pain this time,” Yeah, she could tell. In a lot of ways she was glad, the painkiller stuff had messed with her head in ways that she was frightened of.

“Thanks, Dagna,” she should - she needed to speak these things rather than rely on an absent Cole. “We need to give you a bonus,”

“Already done, Dagna got 2% and a fat bonus,” Adaar had returned to scratching on the pile of parchment.

“Thanks, Jen, I can’t wait to let Bianca know what she missed out on returning when she did,” It appeared that Dagna was just as much of a shit-stirrer as everyone else was at the end of the day.

“So Jen,” Shit was this Mary coming to tell her that she couldn’t work for a reprobate who was best friends with an actual helpful and slightly murdery spirit.

“Hi Mary,” her voice was remarkably firm considering that she really needed Mary not to leave because she worked really well in the team. Like she was meant to be there, and not just a spod who occupied a role. She liked Mary, even if she was a bit scary.

“No need to cower, we are glad that you are better, Jamie’s been very worried about his dance teacher,” there was a tiny part of her that was inordinately proud of being called a teacher. Even if it was so far from the truth, that well… 

“I am sorry, I miss dancing with Jamie too,” she missed being able to stand up, she was not looking forward to that first few days when she would be allowed to stand up. She was ignoring the indignity of not being able to even toilet herself.

“Fortunately, and somewhat surprisingly Cole is a much better teacher, he can remember all the words and the moves, even if he doesn’t have the same… attitude is what the Iron Bull refers to it as.” 

“I’m sorry Mary,”

“Cole said that Sam was the one who convinced him to approach you,” Mary didn’t beat about the bush, which was good. Because she didn’t have the attention span to focus on avoiding emotional minefields.

“Sam probably thought I was crazy, but I was running out of options. It’s why all this really,” She tried to give a smile, Mary patted her hand so it probably worked.

“Well, we’ve had a chat dear, and as long as there is nothing else like Cole you are hiding, then we are perfectly happy with the part ownership we have in the business.” Did knowing that the sky was going to crack count?

“Nothing like Cole, Cole is the only Cole out there,”

“We all know you have some strange feelings, least said about that the better. You’ve been good to us and you mean well, most of the time. Now now, no crying dear, you’ve gotten awfully puffy, that man of yours will be chasing after me instead,” she couldn’t help but giggle. Mary was delightfully scary, and Alistair wouldn’t know what to do with her. 

“Thanks, Mary,”

“You do know that you won’t be able to sack people from now on though,” bleargh snotty bubbles from giggling, charming. Mary though was a god damn angel and mopped up her face, that's why Mary was the best.

“Like anyone paid attention anyway,” she was aware that maybe sometimes her threats hadn’t been taken seriously. Or more had been taken in the manner she’d meant them to be. It’s why she liked Shoptopia, people weren’t so boring.

“Blow,” She was going to have to buy Mary the biggest bunch of flowers ever at the end of this. 

“Thanks, Mary,”

“You can thank me properly by entertaining Jamie tomorrow, he’s been pestering apparently you tell the best stories,” she did, she stole them straight from everywhere. They weren’t always the right stories, she was fairly sure Charlie and the Chocolate Factory didn’t have melting witches, but he liked that part the best.

“So…” Connor was pretending not to look at her ankle whilst staring at it.

“So…” Her ankle ached something chronic, and the maggots had returned in full procession, she desperately wanted to ask someone to check it again, but then they’d give her the pain killers and no-one wanted that.

“If you wanted a bath you just needed to yell,” she couldn’t help but giggle.

“Thanks, Connor, I mean I do want a bath now,” but she wasn’t allowed to get her ankle wet, so it was sponge baths which were really really embarrassing, and she was fairly sure she smelled. The packets of strong-smelling herbs scattered about the room weren’t doing much for her confidence either.

“No baths,” Adaar piped up, like the killjoy she was.

“Sorry, and now that I’m a partner in the business…” Connor - how many people had they given percentages too?

“The Tranquil Collective took 5%, Adaar said they could opt for more, but they are happy with that. Valos-Kas got 5%, so did the Chargers, and Adaar by herself got 2%, the remaining staff all got 1% each after the deserters left.” 

“You asked aloud again,” Oh, she’d - “Yes you don’t seem to have any idea what your thinking voice is,” Adaar sounded almost bored.

“Sorry?” She - 

“Yes, you said that aloud, how often did you have conversations with Cole whilst talking to us?” Adaar asked, still not looking up. Connor was giving her a small grin.

“Not often?” she lied. Muahahaha.

“That laughing in your head, you did aloud.” Fuck - “Yeah, we need to work on that, it’s the latest round of medication they cooked up for you, the infection got into the bone they think, so it’s experimentation time, it’s why you are banned from seeing small children.” 

“Cole seems nice,” Connor thankfully stepped in, even if he was snickering.

“He is, he’s lovely, a bit murder happy at times, but he’s a good egg,” she giggled, “I mean, he’s a good sort like I would have gone crazy without him.”

“Yes, of course, you would, gods help us if this is you sane,” Adaar muttered from the corner.

“I should hate you,” Connor winced as she couldn’t help but wriggle her leg against the bed, she’d been banned from scratching.

“Yeah, sorry about that, but like, Cole’s not the same,”

“People thought you were an abomination, like me,” He chilled his hand and ran it over her calf, it felt both good and awful at the same time. She couldn’t help the soft moan. 

“You aren’t an abomination, and I’m not a mage, I don’t really have any skills,” unless he counted sex.

“See - Jen, just assume all those thoughts are being spoken to us all, also you are fairly canny at getting what you want. Not many people, even using Cole’s special skills - Alistair has told him he’s not allowed to steal from Ferelden nobles anymore just as an aside. We are denying that even happened. Yes, even with having access to Cole, not many people would have been able to bring this all together.” Adaar sounded almost impressed. 

“Was he mad?”

“Apparently there are a couple of family heirlooms that Cole stole from Teagan, which Connor now has,” Adaar shrugged.

“It’s fine, they were kept in the vault because no one liked them, other than mother, and mother didn’t have need for them in Denerim,” 

“I don’t like saying everything aloud,” she just wanted to chunter in her head.

“Well, you’ve been chuntering aloud now all day, so it’s a bit tough,”

“Are we alright?” she was going to carry on thinking because fuck Adaar’s rules.

“They aren’t rules,” Adaar pointed out as if she was simple. She was ignoring the smirk.

“Yes Jen, Cole’s - he is a bit murder happy, but well, he fits in well with everyone else.” Connor didn’t hate her which was good. 

“Also, we all had a big meeting about the future of the business, and we’ve collectively decided that we need more staff. And that you have to have a two-thirds agreement before announcing any more holidays,” Adaar thought she was being mean but she hadn’t realised that was fine. Once Cole had forgiven her she would have it.

“Good luck with that,” Adaar muttered.

“Everyone likes holidays,” and she liked announcing them like she was a fucking queen, because she was sort of, or a dictator, or an empress.

“You barely have a majority and no one listens to you,” Connor was outwardly laughing with Adaar at her expense now.

“I get two holidays every season,”

“A year, you get two unvetoed holidays a year lasting no more than one day,”

“A quarter,” two a quarter.

“No, because that is a season, and no. Because we need to work if we want this to be a viable business that stretches until well past my retirement.” Adaar was so mean.

“Yes, because I am the Steward, and someone needs to say no. My meanness stopped you being in a cart on your way back to Denerim so I wouldn’t complain too much.”

“That’s fair, I like him-” love him, fucking Connor smirking, “I like Alistair, but I’m an independent woman of means, I don’t need to be a kept Mistress being shagged every day. Ya know,”

“Yes, we know. Cole explained it, you have a plan. We’ve agreed that both the Shoptopia and Ferelden will invest in finding mirrors, to stop some of the angst that you both seem to be having.”

“It’s not angst,”

“No, you haven’t been crying because he’s not returned yet and it’s been a week?” a very long week, full of danger. “Yes, those dangerous clerics,”

“You’d be surprised, what about if they try and put something in the incense and it kills him?” Connor was looking a little concerned.

“The Crow as Cole keeps calling him has gone with them. I really don’t believe that the Chantry will kill Alistair. Thirdly Cole seems pretty invested in him staying alive too. He’s important- apparently,” Adaar gave Connor a smile.

Of course, Alistair was important, on a scale of 1 to shag, he was almost weddable. 

“That’s not a scale - I can’t wait to not be bombarded with how your mind works all the time,” Adaar was completely mean to her. Hey what was Connor doing - no she didn’t want to sleep. “Thanks, Connor,”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you for all the lovely kudos and comments - I'm full of cold so it makes me smile. It would make me smile regardless mind, but I want you to feel pity for me being full of cold ^_-


	15. Investments

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The voice issue continues, much to Adaar's dismay.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Just assume unless stated otherwise - anything Not Jen thinks is being broadcast. Poor Adaar.

“Cadash has found a Printer who needs a big investment to stay operational,” Adaar was conducting business with her and the head of the library, Naomi who was much more reasonable than Clemence.

“Great?” It was great right, it should be great, where the fuck was Alistair and Cole.

“Do you remember how we had the conversation about it being cheaper if we did everything in house? Well, we have space, we have lots of space. Even if we manage to get all the staff this place needs, we have lots of shop space. I propose that we offer to purchase the business from them, at a reduced rate - pay off the outstanding debts they have to the Carta - and then hire them to run it here.” Adaar had taken to being a business mogul with enthusiasm.

“I take it the family they owe it to, is Cadash?” Apparently, the Cadash family were loan sharks as far as they could work out. Or the Mafia, so pretty much standard Carta crime family from what Adaar had told her.

“I presume, also, there is a horse master that also is in a similar financial situation, and we have a stable,” but she didn’t know if the Inq would turn up with Dennet.

“Uh,”

“You don’t like that idea?” If Adaar wore glasses she’d be peering over the top of them.

“It’s not that I don’t like it, how about we invest in his business and get him to provide us with all the mounts we need? Speak to Mary - or ask Mary if she wants in on the investment, they must have a heap of cash right?” she was just assuming considering how many bonuses had been paid out recently due to the whole Cole issue. Adaar had promised she still had heaps on money left though, which was good. Not that she was really worried, it would just be a case of heading out with Cole one day into Orlais and visiting a few people’s houses.

“I won’t ask why you don’t want an in house stable master, but sure, I’ll speak to Mary. Naomi has asked that the Collective stump up some of the money for the printers for a percentage,”

“We see the advantage to be involved,” Naomi was far more polite than Clemence at any rate.

“Sure, whatever, have we heard yet if they are even on their way back?”

“Later today,” thank fuck for that.

“Davri has sent word through the network that she will be arriving just after the conclave, with a shipment of goods - Shok’s taking a team to get her. Not that there should be any trouble, but Davri seems to be a big name,” Adaar gave a strained smile. Bianca had been a bit of a bitch by all accounts, and not just to Adaar.

“Yeah, best to make sure she gets back fine, and you guys are great at protection,” and travel was about to get a hell of a lot more dangerous.

“You’ve received an invitation from the Black Emporium. It has made certain parties here very happy, you can’t go yet, but once you are back on your feet…” Yeah, her ankle was worse, her little toe had gone very red and veiny and Stitches had to do something to it to stop it from exploding. 

“Arcanist Dagna has designed a new foot,” Naomi wasn’t being as comforting as she could have been, but it was almost there.

“Not that you will need a new foot, but she has used a lot of those gems you had hidden in a pillowcase on your bed - Jen, it can’t have been pleasant to sleep on.” Adaar sighed, the way she did whenever she didn’t fully approve of things.

“Oh, it was on Cole’s side,” 

“Right, anyway, Dagna has designed a very shiny foot, just in case.”

“Thanks?” She didn’t want to think about losing her foot. Even if she did end up being blingtastic. The Inquisitor was the one who would lose a limb, not her. She wasn’t the Inquisitor, they couldn’t pay her to be.

“You can’t leave before she wakes - she’s waking up,” Adaar sounded a bit relieved, the new concoction kept making her sleep at random times. 

“Hey Jen,” Alistair was pressing a kiss on her lips, but not a proper kiss.

“Alistair!” Why was Mary there?

“Because Alistair has been told not to exert you, and Mary is the only one who seems to be able to shame either of you,” Adaar answered.

“I missed you,” fuck her voice was croaky again.

“Night terrors, or day terrors, you keep screaming about how the bastard wasn’t going to kill you that easily.” Oh shit.

“Cole’s just settling the newest employee in,” Alistair answered.

“Cool cool cool?” 

“We know where Anders is, probably, we needed to talk to Sam about the location of the Avvar and then we are heading to go wrangle us a runaway warden.” Alistair looked stressed, “Because you, damn minx, you are making me stressed. When I said you would be hard pushed to wear me out this was not what I meant,” she aimed to go above and beyond.

“The infections spreading, upwards,” shit. This was not a cool way to die.

“When Anders cures you, we are going to have a long chat about the cool ways to die thing, because we’ve decided that shit needs to stop,” Alistair growled at her. Fuck she wanted to bone him.

“Jen, no boning, and Alistair no kissing the person who can’t breathe properly.” Mary was scolding, she didn’t sound like it was too serious. Unlike Adaar who sounded like she thought Jen was actually dying.

“Stitches thinks we have a week, otherwise he wants to amputate, all of it.” Adaar was explaining to her, “We don’t want to, because you should have recovered from this with all the shit they’ve been feeding you, and it’s not working. No one is sure if you’ll survive an amputation,” Shit.

“Pretty much,” 

“I don’t want to be a warden, no offence Alistair,” better to just announce it now in case he got any stupid ideas.

“Yeah, we don’t think you’d survive that either, we have already had a chat about it,” Adaar answered, as Alistair was busy giving her the worlds best hand massage.

“Jen, two days and we should be on our way back with Anders, they are going to keep you nice and sleepy,”

“I’m sorry,” ugh why was she crying like a baby.

“Because you are in a lot of pain, you can cry, look Adaar is crying right this moment,” she wasn’t, “Inside she’s crying,”

“It’s true, I’ve just been looking at the figures from Clemence, he’s made over three thousand healing potions, what are we going to do with them?”

“See, it’s all going to be fine Jen, I promise, I just need you to sleep for a couple of days,”

“Alistair, I really like you,” love, because she needed him to know, just in case, “like really really do,”

“That’s good, because I feel the same way, my demented minx,”

“Why didn’t you use any potions?” That sounded like -

“Shit, she’s waking up again, Connor!”

“It’s all ok Pen, all ok, we found Anders and everyone is back safely,” Cole was humming into her ear, she couldn’t feel anything at all. “They froze you a little bit,” that was pretty clever, like freezing technology but she couldn’t think of the - crying thing, cryo cryogentics cryometrics?

“She shouldn’t be alive,” that voice again.

“Well she is despite her best efforts,” Alistair sounded happy, which was good because he hadn’t for a bit.

“She’s responding again,” Stitches was prodding her - she could feel it.

“Yes, they managed to fix it,” Cole was purring at her. 

“Probably best not to tell her how just yet,” that stupid voice was being mean to Cole.

“He’s not, everything is going to be fine,” Cole was giving her happy hugs, happy careful hugs.

“He’s not what?”

“She thinks you are being mean, I told her you weren’t, Justice doesn’t like me, but you do,” fucking Anders. Of course, he would be mean to her Cole, “He’s not, Alistair tell Jen he’s been nice to me,”

“Anders has been lovely to Cole, do you really think we would have let him get away with not being nice?” No, because Alistair was his boss and would march him down into the deep roads if he wasn’t. Or scrub out the latrines.

“Exactly,” Cole was giggling.

“I don’t even want to know,” Alistair pressed a kiss on her forehead. 

“For the best, you have no idea the amount shit she babbles about in her head,” Adaar sounded happy.

Anders, who looked rather well considering he was a fugitive on the run, had finally allowed her to remain awake for more than a minute. He was also allowing her, with assistance to have an actual bath, and not a sponge for the first time in weeks.

Alistair was busy washing her front, whilst Cole was stopping her from drowning. It was glorious and amazing and the best thing ever. Had she said that aloud? 

“No,” good, because - “You are now talking again,” bollocks.

“A lesser man would be jealous,” Alistair was anything but a lesser man, he was a fucking god amongst men, “Thanks,” bugger.

“Varric’s been returned back to Haven, but Anders is staying,” Cole sounded reasonably happy about it, “We need Anders in case you get hurt again,” she wasn’t planning on it.

“Good minx, you shouldn’t be planning on it.” She couldn’t help but giggle, “It’s not funny. You should be glad that you are on light movement only. We’ve all agreed that you need your backside tanning for the stress you put us through.” Alistair didn’t sound mad though.

“I am sorry, it wasn’t deliberate,” 

“Jen-” Alistair let out a sigh, “when you’re better, we’ll get into it properly.”

“Anders knows where there is a mirror,” Merrill! “Yes, and you wanted to go to Kirkwall anyway. Adaar isn’t happy about the idea of buying siege machinery, but I explained it was necessary,” what?

“Cole has explained that I don’t need to be worried about the twelve machines that he’s ordered in your name,” Alistair was grinning at her, his hand starting to stop being as washing orientated and more exploratory. Fuck she needed him.

“Not yet,” Coolllleee, “Alistair, stop teasing her, Anders will ban us from looking after her,”

“Colllle,” 

“No,”

“But Colleeeeeeee, I need it,”

“You don’t, you need to be healed up properly,” he was so mean to her. “I’m not mean to you,”

“He isn’t being mean to you, you keep - we need to talk about the stopping breathing thing. You keep not breathing, and you need to, to live.” Alistair was giving her a very leaderly expression, gods he was hot. “Jen, you - look, I am taking my hand away, you need to focus,”

“Too late,” Cole was sighing at her, at her. It wasn’t her fault that she felt clean, and warm and loved and now wanted to crawl all over Ali’s chest and nuzzle.

“Shit - Cole remind me again why we shouldn’t be doing this?” Alistair was so fucking cute, and they were using the honey salt. How was she supposed to resist?

“Anders!” Damnit, Cole.

It was official, she hated Anders.

“Many people do,” He didn’t seem to be too upset by it. “Well, most people hate me for Kirkwall, not for saving their lives and banning them from having sex with the King of Ferelden,” 

“Jen, be nice to Anders,” Adaar didn’t even bother to pretend that she was interested, not looking up from the pile of paper that was being worked through. Anders was supposed to be giving her a clean bill of health.

“Jen, we keep explaining that you almost died, actually almost died. Not from an arrow, but because none of the healing potions or spells that we had access to work. At all, they may be even made things worse. He can’t give you a clean bill of health until that infection goes, the infection that keeps coming back.” Adaar was so fucking mean, even when she wasn’t paying her attention.

“Well, can’t we just re-amputate?” this was ridiculous, they’d grafted a band of rune enhanced metal where the band of flesh had gone, so it looked like she had a cool anklet. She wasn’t sure how her foot hadn’t dropped off with the lack of blood flow.

“Yes, that’s the thing, we don’t know either, by rights it shouldn’t be there, even with the infection,” Anders was prodding her toes again, he’d been able to heal up the split from where her toes had swollen up. “Other than the heat of infection, its looking good. Dagna is busy trying to get the latest concoction working with a boot for you,”

“Can it be a glass slipper,”

“No,” Adaar was so mean. “Yes, that’s why you call me Adaar the tyrant,” she didn’t sound too bothered by it, “No, I’m pretty happy with the title, as soon as the sign maker arrives they are going to knock me up a door plaque with it on.”

“Anything interesting?” the maggot feeling had gone since the bracelet had been installed, but she still didn’t really like seeing her foot that looked odd. Better to distract herself with work, mainly being nosy and interfering with Adaar’s.

“Maybe she could be allowed to spend some intimate time with the King?” Adaar sighed.

“If they could be trusted not to set her back then yes, but the last time they sneaked in a light petting session…” Maybe she’d overexerted herself, “You stopped breathing again, and managed to bruise your foot, Cole was beside himself. Alistair wasn’t much better,” fucking worrywarts.

“Yes, that’s exactly it, it’s not that they adore you and want you to be better, they are just worrying for no reason,” See Adaar got it.

“Jen, we really need to work on your inner voice and your outer voice,” Mary was here, “Yes, yes I am, Herah the room for Davri - well after speaking to Dagna, it’s not appropriate,”

“Is this because Dagna likes messing with Davri?” Adaar groaned. Hahahahahaa this was why she’d employed a Steward - “CEO, we changed the title,” oh, surely she was the CEO? “No you are the owner and major stakeholder, and landlady, but as I make most of the decisions Cole gave me the new title.” 

“Perhaps we could focus Jen, on if you can feel this?” Anders was mean OWWWWWWWW, for fucks sake.

“Jen, language,” 

“Sorry, Mary,”

“After Healer Anders is done with you, you’ll be coming outside to oversee dancing, and we will be working on that voice issue of yours,” shit. “Exactly,”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I should probably update the tags to include Adaar who is the MVP. And to think, if Bull had been "we'll take over" back when they were all heading to Shoptopia it could have been him. He's thanking his lucky stars every day.


	16. Kaboom

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Solas has a lot to answer for.

The world shook. It shook, and she thanked everything that the builders had finished shoring up all the danger areas of Shoptopia. The last thing they needed on top of the shit that was going down, would be half of them being crushed by falling masonry.

The sky, the sky was broken. 

There had been a minor landslide across the valley, that hadn’t taken anything out, but they would need to be careful crossing, shit she hadn’t even thought about that. 

Shoptopia was silent, and they were all staring at her. Fuck she’d need to step up.

“Right - we check everyone is accounted for, we check the building - Foreman?” The man nodded at her, good, she needed to make sure they wouldn’t have the place collapse on them thanks to the earthquake thing.

“Adaar you take charge of finding every one, and Anders and Stitches - shit Clemence and -” 

“The Undercroft is indestructible, they’ll be fine,”

“Bull, you help the Foreman?” He nodded. They would need as many hands on deck as they could.

“Alistair, until we know the bridge is safe you can’t cross it. And we need to check the way - Mary, we need to know where the carts are, can you get the list together. No one enters a building until it’s been given the all-clear. Everyone stays silent until everyone has been accounted for. Cole, can you listen for trapped people?”

The door had jammed to the Undercroft, but other than that nothing bar a few hangings had come off the wall. The builders had done a great job fixing the main hall up the first time. The other places didn’t look much worse off than they had before. Which was good, it meant that as it started to rain, they were able to go undercover, with a fire. 

Everyone was found, and Cole was busy leading a dance session to distract whilst they worked out the next action plan.

“Alright, no carts go out from now on without a team with them, and not the newbies.” She was staring at Bull, who hadn’t stopped staring at her.

“You knew something was going to happen,” Was he trying to accuse her of something unjustly? 

“I had a bad feeling, but that doesn’t mean anything, I didn’t have a bad feeling about hiring you,” he held his hands up, she didn’t have time for this shit.

“Boss,” fucking wuss.

“Yeah, that’s what I thought. Conclave was today right, so going to lay odds on whatever happened it happening there.” Bull had the cheek to snort, well she would happily announce-

“Jen,” Adaar put her hand over her mouth and only glared when she licked it.

“Right, so, alright, we are going to send aid because it probably caused damage, load up with blankets, food, and potions, half a company to escort it until we know what's out there.” 

“No,” Cole had stopped dancing and was glaring at her.

“What?” Alistair looked up from the map.

“No, you can’t,”

“You wanted me to go before,” she sort of had to go, because if she didn’t then they wouldn’t trust and she at least knew the Chancellor.

“She’s planning on going to Haven too, with you,” Cole was poking her.

“As your healer, no.” Anders interfered.

“Well, that’s ok, Stitches is now my healer,” She knew how to deal with that.

“I’m not going to let you either, you can’t stand up. Anders is only just able to keep control of that infection and you keep not breathing, you need to stay here,” Alright so Stitches was now fired. New plan.

“Alistair, I need to go,”

“No, I need to go, I’ll go with them, and then I need to head back to Denerim,” The King had returned, any other time she’d pounce on him.

“Anders will come with us then,” She was going to Haven even if she had to crawl into a cart and hide.

“It’s dangerous out there, and people know what he looks like,” Adaar pointed out as if she didn’t know that.

“You know that bad feeling I had, and I was like Alistair shouldn’t go to the conclave because I feel shit about it, well it’s like that feeling.” She wasn’t going to be stopped by people telling her no.

“It’s not! You don’t need to go, you just think you should, but you can’t do anything useful there,” That hurt Cole.

“The last thing we need is to be worrying about you,” Alistair didn’t even soften his tone. Both of her men were ganging up on her.

“They aren’t, you need to be here for when Bianca arrives, hopefully, they won’t get caught up in any of this,” Adaar was overruling her.

“We’ll send out a scouting party to try and meet them,” Bull added, it wasn’t his team who had gone to escort her back. 

“When the weaponry is done, we’ll head to Kirkwall with it, get one of the mirrors, and then - well, we’ll scour for a second.” Adaar put down a couple of markers on the map. “While everyone wants to head out now, we sleep and then first light head out. Take it steady and slow, we don’t know what’s waiting for us out there,”

“Jen does,” Bull just couldn’t help himself.

“It’s bad, that's all I know, but we all know that because shit doesn’t shake the world and it’s a good thing,” 

“Bull, leave it,” Adaar snapped.

“Sure thing,” One of these days she'd look for his bollocks...

Anders wouldn’t budge on the sex issue, but he did allow her to snuggle with Alistair, who kept her still on his chest. Cole was on nightmare duty, mainly for Anders and Jen, for Jen she’d not heard explosions that loudly, well since she’d arrived. The Dragons had been nice and muffled and controlled, but that had shaken her teeth. Even knowing it was coming hadn’t prepared her for it.

Where parting before had been sweet sorrow, she was terrified. Not for her, but for him, for them all. He’d kissed her gently and then told Cole that he was to watch over her. They’d even had a man hug moment, it was sort of sweet through the haze of sniffles and tears.

Two days, Bianca arriving just as the sky cracked again. 

“Jen?”

“They stopped it getting worse, it should be fine, ish, not great but…” Yeah, she couldn’t hold herself upright, she’d been petrified that the messing about they’d done might have screwed with the whole thing. Maybe Adaar was supposed to be the Inquisitor, or Cadash, or even Lavellan who Cole had hired as a tracker for the Avvar. 

“Not fixed then?” Adaar asked with decided casualness.

“Not yet, it will be, probably, I don’t know, maybe?” It was fine telling Adaar shit, cos well, apparently she’d told her lots of things that she couldn’t remember. Cole promised that she hadn't shared anything too bad, but then Cole had also backstabbed her over the whole Haven thing too so that was hardly a comfort.

“Well, as long as it won’t get worse,” don’t let it show don’t let it show, “Fuck, it gets worse?”

“Not necessarily for us,” Adaar sighed and picked up the pile of messages from Val Royeaux.

“You know the Archives have declined the membership application for the third time,” Yep, let's focus on something else for a bit, let's pretend that no one knew anything they probably shouldn’t.

“Well, you know what we need to do,”

“No Jen, I don’t, and do we even need access to the archives they have?” Adaar was scratching her horns.

“Yes, because I need to know if they are just bullshitting with different languages of the same thing and if there is anything we can borrow,”

“You mean steal,”

“Borrow, but using Cole, because Ali said we weren’t allowed to steal in Ferelden or from Ferelden’s any more. He didn’t say we couldn’t do it to Orlesians and as the Randy Dowager is in Orlais…”

“We don’t need to steal from anyone, or not yet anyway. Although if we are going to be donating huge chunks of expensive kit to cities because you want to sleep with someone, maybe we will.” Adaar was still sore about the siege weapons. “Yes, yes I am because Alistair thinks that maybe we should get some for here too, just in case, and Bull and Shok are both really excited with the idea. While we have money for a few decades, it’s not an endless supply, and Bianca has already demanded a whole level cutting out for her experiments.” Maybe they shouldn't have had a chat about how much dead space there was beneath Shoptopia because Bianca had gotten that gleam in her eyes. The one that promised they would end up spending a fortune.

“We should get another couple done at the same time,” Maybe this was the time to mention they should be trying to expand the levels of Skyhold for potential interlopers.

“Not until you’ve sold an item, for actual money,” Adaar was doing the explaining things slowly thing.

“What if we need it?”

“Why?”

“Well what if a load of ancient elves turn up and want to move in,” Adaar was sighing again.

“Is this a bit like that situation where you make a sweeping statement, and then a month later it comes true, and you pretend you are as surprised as anyone else?” She totally didn’t do things like that.

“I actually don’t know, but a couple of years ago, or three, something like, anyway we ran into some whilst looking for something else. I may have mentioned that I had an awesome old fort, with lots of space…”

“Ancient elves, I don’t even think you are lying any more,”

“I’m not, but they had a mirror that they wouldn’t let me take, even when I asked nicely. They might not turn up, but better to have lots of space if they do, right?”

“True, that makes as much sense as everything else you say,”

“So, let's get the builders to add three more levels on, one for Bianca, and two for whatevers.”

“Cadash is going to be pleased,” Adaar muttered.

“Can we not invest in them?” Like they were everything else, it would cut costs right down. Or something. Adaar was probably right, Cadash was totally using them to buy up loans to release the money back into the Cadash family funds. So far though her “suggestions” hadn’t turned into bum ones so, it wasn’t entirely a con.

“Jen!” Dagna looked pleased to see her hobbling around on the crutches she’d made, that were actually very pretty. Because she’d used the leftover gems that Adaar didn’t know about to make it. “We can see them now!” They were very snazzy looking glasses, very snazzy, complete with was that a ruby on the bridge. They'd have to hide them from Adaar, who didn't approve of "wasting" money in frivolous ways, it was like she hadn't fully embraced the pleasure palace way.

“Awesome, what was the trick?” please don’t say dead tranquil.

“Some of the odd ore that they found after the sky broke, I’ve been playing with it, and look, if you put these on you can see them!” Dagna really was a superstar, Bianca had only been back a couple of days and already they had solved the shard problem. With cool sunglasses.

“So what do we do with them?” There was a family who had the details but could she remember other than they weren’t happy at the elves could she fuck.

“A family who doesn’t like elves?” Inside voice, must remember inside voice isn’t spoken.

“Maybe the one Cole recruited would know more?” Dagna looked happy.

“We should actually hire more researchers, because Connor says he can’t research everything, and the library part of the collective-” everyone in the collective other than Clemence, “have said that they are quite happy with their duties.” She thought Connor was just moaning about having to do some work for once. Most of the other mages were out escorting people, and not dossing around Shoptopia with him.

“They said “quite happy?” really?” Adaar shrugged at her question, “Eh, I think that we might lure someone in from Haven soon?” 

“You mean from the job description you paid to have permanently pinned to the tavern wall?” she had, and she wasn’t ashamed of it. Adan had refused to let them put up the notice in his place, and really that was the better place for it.

“I’m not going to ask…” Adaar did offer an arm, however, to escort her down to the dance area, which was currently hosting a horseshoe throwing competition. Which seemed a little mean, because Jamie wasn’t big enough - oh, yeah, he was if he had someone helping him, who was cheating.

“It’s not cheating,” Kaaris would say that, “I just did,”

“Inside voice Jen, inside voice,” 

“Sorry Mary, I am working on it,” 

“You are dear, and well done on not cursing,” She was going to pretend that no one was laughing - no no one was laughing at her. She had her hand over her mouth to feel if her lips were moving - they - no she stopped it.

She was given the chance to throw, and then they didn’t offer again; she was still very weak from having spent so long on her back. And not in a good way, ugh.

“No,” Anders was so mean, oh the hand trick, her lips were moving, and it felt funny, buzzzzzzzy, buzz buzz buzz. “Who gave her the green stuff?”

“No one, she’s just been upright for a bit, you did say that it would take time for her to return to normal, though this isn’t far off.” Adaar trailed off into a mutter.

It was funny, the sky - buzzzzz, no no making it buzz, inside voice. It - no buzzing, it was funny how the sky cracking a second time had made everyone feel better, even if the Haven team hadn’t returned yet.

Maybe it was the knowledge that they knew where one mirror was, and she was going to ignore the fact that they still had to convince Merrill. She also knew where a second - and a third, she knew where a third was, she needed to go to Val Royeaux and get invited to see Celestine.

New plan, she would go and kill - 

“Jen, inside voice,” 

“Sorry, Mary,”

“I know you’re trying dear, but we don’t need to share all our thoughts, especially around young and impressionable minds,” Maybe Jamie didn’t need to know about her plans on assassinating Gaspard. But it would be glorious, she could kill six birds with one stone.

Kill Gaspard, Celestine will love her forever and make the stupid biddies give her access to the archives, and she could also arrange for the mirror from Briony as a reward for hooking them back up. She needed Cole back. It was the best plan she’d ever had. Along with agreeing to have a printer set up shop here. 

“Jen, you’re smiling and it’s worrying,” Adaar was such a worrywart. 

“Don’t worry, it’ll be all ok, I have a plan!” a wicked cunning plan, that would mean that she would be invited to cool things too, like balls and shopping trips. Ohhhhh, oh oh oh.

“Adaar?”

“I want to say no,”

“I haven’t even asked,”

“Yet still my gut reaction is to say no,” Adaar was funny.

“I want a bog unicorn,” Alright that look was one of, no. “And some other cool mounts,” before the Inquisition got them and just abused them by not appreciating them fully.

“And do you know where you can get them from?”

“If you write to Josephine and say that for each mount they get offered that's cool and unusual we will donate something in its place,” she didn’t have a scooby do where they all came from, but they would write to Josie and Josie would have to arrange for it. Or… “Or we can arrange for someone to spy on all of their messages and intercept the cool mount ones?”

“You want to steal from the chantry again? We had a conversation about that, in fact, we’ve had several. No stealing from the chantry, or at least not in a way that can be tracked back to us. Unusual mounts are very trackable.” Adaar liked to talk to her as if she was simple. 

“There is still the matter of you not hiring a proper stable master, even though there is one in debt to Cadash,” Connor was a pain in the backside too. No, her lips hadn’t been buzzing, and she was desperately trying not to swear all the ducking time.

“I tell you what, we give it a month, and then we relook at that decision?” Adaar tricked her, this was a meeting! Because Clemence had appeared, and so had Naomi, and neither of them liked dance time.

“There is need of another alchemist,” wasn’t there always, but probably yes. 

“Add it to the list, and yes we definitely need to hire more people for the herbalism. Naomi, have you communicated with your person in Redcliffe?”

“Yes, there are seven willing to travel with the next shipment. Two are not tranquil, but they understand,” Which meant they might be researchers in there, or better or worse - better - definitely better, herbalists.

“Someone used up all the special ore we brought back,” Bianca was glaring at Dagna who didn’t look a bit upset.

“In fairness, there is probably a bit more lying about outside,” that was a mistake, but really Dagna she was going to - no her lips weren’t buzzing - sleep with hopefully. Supporting Dagna would leave her more open to advances.

“It’s on the list, any odd-looking ore will be brought back,” Adaar gave the Smith a polite smile, it was the same one she used to give back before she accepted being the Steward.

“We need to track down a family who hates elves,” Dagna blithely ignored Bianca.

“Jen,” Why was she getting the blame, she hadn’t said it, not really.

“Lavulla?” 

“Her name is Ellana Lavellan, Cole hired her at your insistence,” Adaar was speaking slowly like she was an imbecile.

“Sorry, can I call you Ellana? Or do you prefer Lavellan? Or Lacy?” She had just managed to get a handle on Tiffany’s name.

“Tippany,” Tippany’s name, she could handle a new name.

“As long as it’s not knife ear, I’ve heard worse,” maybe she wasn’t so bad after all. “Thanks, also you might want to put your hand back over your lips again,”

Shit, fuck sorry Mary, Mary was glaring at her.

“I’m not dear, you are trying really hard, we can tell.” It was like she was two. 

“Alright, Lavalin, no, I’ve got it, Ellana, alright Allan - Ellana, a family who stole a load of shit from a circle that fell that hated mages and elves?” She just followed a guide and didn’t even read the stuff on screen most the time. 

“A circle where?” Adaar asked.

“In - well if I saw the name maybe I would know?” Probably, possibly, probably not though. “Kirkwall was the Gallows because it’s like the grave, and there is the one Cole came from. Which reminds me, we should probably look at tracking down the two he used to be best friends with. Maric and Rowan,” 

“Cole was not - I don’t believe - friends with King Maric and Queen Rowan, we’ll ask Cole,” Adaar started writing down a list of the circles with Connor helping.

She recognised half of them. They would need more to go on, or Cole to help because Cole was better at remembering than she was.


	17. Compromises

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Anders forgets his rebellious past, he is now the most chaste.

Anders had finally gotten rid of the pesky infection in her foot, and just in time to be too late to give a good impression to their new Avvar ambassador. The Hand of Korth, who was a big boy, like a big big boy, and he was going to crush her so much she couldn’t wait.

“No one is going to be crushing anyone,” Anders wasn’t looking overly impressed with her. 

“Not with that attitude,” Cole was nowhere to be seen. “How long until I’m cleared for action?”

“You won’t be cleared for crushing ever, or not whilst I’m here at any rate. Very gentle lovemaking, possibly if you’re on top and you don’t exert at all.” Where was the fun in that? “You’re still on crutches, and you keep bruising. Please stop knocking against tables, when you do that then we can possibly up it to heavy petting, possibly. As your healer and now that I’ve been rediscovered by the Warden’s… and Alistair will kill me if harm comes to you, I ban you from having sex with the Avvar ambassador.”

“That’s fine, Stitches says that I can,” he hadn’t but he was also out in the field with Bull escorting the latest batch of employees from Redcliffe.

“He didn’t,” Anders was boring. She was bored, they wouldn’t let her do anything, because they were all boring and hated her.

Ever since people had come back from Haven with reports of rifts and demons and a letter from Ali telling her she wasn’t allowed anywhere near them, it was don’t do that. She was the owner, the boss, the gods damned dictator she could do as she damn well pleased.

Bianca had at least started designing fun toys to play with if Anders ever let her play with them. What harm was going to come to her with an electric runed dildo? None. “We don’t know how it will work with the one on your ankle,” she had flesh between them it would be fine.

“What about if we used the sex swing?” She had to praise the workmanship that had gone into that first prototype, she liked the adjustable headrest, for easy head play.

“No, not unless I can check he won’t tear you apart,” She was fine sharing him with Anders. “Jen, he’s much bigger than you, he could break you just by squeezing too hard. We have all spent too long getting you better to risk it currently.”

“So in the future?” He sighed. “You don’t understand, he likes the idea, he gave me the look,”

“You practically fell out of your top at him, of course, he looked, they are full-blooded like almost everyone else here,” she wasn’t sure if that was a dig at Cole or her.

“Please Anders,”

“If and I mean if you manage to go a week without bruising yourself and you can walk unaided then we can look at it. I’ll even check that he isn’t too big for you, size queen,” She’d take it, Alistair was huge and thick too and she loved every single inch as it filled her to the brim and made her moan. They really needed to fix the distance issue.

Her ankle was much better though, the metal felt part of her instead of a bit weird. She was still really wobbly kneed, but that was understandable. The embarrassment at getting Anders to heal some of the bedsores had spurred her into being active sooner than they’d advised. She could even get to the bathroom by herself now, even if she was still banned from her own room.

“What about other people?” Bull had offered to ease her itch, but Adaar had said no.

“Which people?” Anders sounded dubious.

“Bull?” 

“You mean the Ben-Hassrath agent who Adaar has said no to?” Anders was such a fucking suckup to Adaar. “She pays the wages, and runs a tight ship,”

“It’s my ship, and I run it,” sort of, “but he would be gentle, Anders you even banned me from touching myself and Cole won’t let me cheat!” She was getting bored of it. If they wouldn’t let her have sex, they could at least allow her to masturbate.

“Cole?” Anders called, and her former best friend appeared. “Cole, how important is this need of hers?” He didn’t even trust her to answer for herself.

“Yes,” Cole was rubbing the back of her neck, it was like he knew how to make her feel relaxed. In fact, it was the only thing that had been calming her down with all the restrictions, the nice long warm baths with him soothing her pains away.

“The problem I have Jen is that you don’t listen to Cole when it comes to breathing. You keep stopping as soon as you get distracted and in the moment,” Anders was perched on the edge of his desk, give him a white cloak and she’d be back on earth.

“That doesn’t mean I can’t masturbate though,” he was just being mean.

“It does because you put yourself in more danger when you do, so that’s why we are saying no, not because I hate you. Because I like living more than you killing yourself for a brief release,” He was such a drama queen.

“Look we need to come to a compromise, otherwise I’m going to take dangerous actions to get what I want,” it was time for the cards to come onto the table. She didn’t have a plan, but hopefully, he would buy it.

He stared at her in the way that she didn’t know if he bought it or not. “He hasn’t,” thanks, Cole.

“I’ll just do it as soon as your backs turned,” she tried again.

“I’ll set Mary on you,” well so what anyway, she could just do it quietly whilst Mary was busy.

“I’m offering to compromise here, and you’re just not even attempting, what happened to Anders who wanted to free everyone?”

“Well, for one you don’t need freeing from anything, Jen who owns their own self confessed nation-state, and two that wasn’t what happened,” Anders was so fucking boring now. “I would hardly call myself boring,”

“What happened to Anders who used to escape because of the rules put on him?”

“Are you trying to say, us not wanting you to kill yourself unnecessarily is the same as being locked up in a circle?” 

“Well, I mean, when you put it that way, exactly! This is exactly the same, except everyone's picking on me instead of spreading it around,”

“Jen you realise you’re being completely offensive?” Anders didn’t even look mad, or that stupid “I’m disappointed,” that Mary was very good at. He just looked bored.

“Compromise, that’s all I’m asking for, a compromise, how hard is it to bend a little?”

“Tell me then, how do you see a compromise happening?” Anders shouldn’t have asked her that. She wanted him to offer the compromise because she hadn’t got one to offer.

“You first,”

“You don’t even know do you, you demented harpy,” 

“Look, you used to have a reputation, look at what the pirate used to say about you, when did you get so fucking boring?” Cole was being of no use. 

“I don’t know how to help,” Aww Cole, he helped her all the time.

“If it means so much to you, then if we find a way for you to be monitored then possibly,” that wasn’t good enough, he’d just decide they couldn’t find anyone.

“You do it,”

“Excuse me?”

“You keep claiming to be my doctor,”

“It’s what I’m being paid to do, and the only reason I’m not stuck with the other wardens in Denerim, it’s not a claim - its a fact.” He was getting shirty now, “I’m not getting shirty,”

“You are, that’s very shirty behaviour isn’t it Cole?” Cole hummed whilst playing with the back of her neck. Anders wasn’t looking overly happy about him not disagreeing.

“You are in a relationship with Alistair, I hardly think it’s appropriate for me-”

“We aren’t in an exclusive relationship, and he’s banging other people too back in Ferelden,” she hadn’t pegged Anders as being a prude unless he didn’t find her attractive which was entirely possible. Even if she was “exotic” now with her pretty metal banding.

“He’s not not interested,” Cole nodded at her. She assumed that was the case, the fact he’d noticed her tumbling out of her top the other day.

“Cole, we had a conversation about not sharing things like that,” Anders sighed, he was sighing a lot, “It’s talking to you that does it, I used to be a young rebel, and now I feel like an old man trying to control a wildfire.”

“Thanks, so, if I can’t do it alone, you’ll have to either watch or participate, I’m all for both, I mean you were on the list,” She should really get cracking on the list. 

“The list?” He looked dubious.

“Not a death list, don’t worry, my list of people I want to sleep with before I die,” again, “don’t worry I won’t be sharing any of the scores or telling you other peoples so you don’t need to compare.”

“You have a list?” He was like a stuck record.

“Yes, I keep adding to it, not everyone is on the list, like Connor isn’t because he’s like a kid brother. The type that’s just going through puberty and is in the I hate the world stage, maybe in a decade maybe, but then who's to say where any of us will be at that point?”

“Alistair thinks you’ll be with him,” Cole started combing through her hair. 

“That’s kind of nice, I mean that he thinks he won’t be sick of me at that point because I know some people find me a little bit annoying,”

“Please anyone that’s listening, save me,” Anders muttered.

“I bet you were planning to have been captured by a certain elfy warrior and tied up in his manor,” Maybe he’d like to hear about the current theories based on some of the “friend fic” in the archives.

“You think I want to be at the mercy of Fenris?” Anders asked slowly, she was semi concerned he was about to explode, like in a Justice rage.

“I mean, he didn’t kill you when he could right, and all those long intimate nights where you patched each other up?” Maybe that was friend fiction fanon, “And you both like both genders,”

“You kiss once for a dare, and the rumours just keep spreading,” Ha, she knew that there was something there.

“Anyway, so if it’s that actually you don’t find me attractive or whatever then fine, but Cole seems to think you are interested, and I am too,” She really needed to be indulged in something other than responding to Clemence’s requests.

“We work together,” Was she now abusing her position? “What?”

“She’s worried that you think she’s a templar,” Cole was her bro all the time, that wasn’t what she’d thought but maybe she had. Her brain was on a different planet to her most of the time.

“Nate was bloody right, he said that this wasn’t going to be the easy option,” Anders muttered. 

“Wow, so you were actually friends?” She couldn’t help it, she knew Howe and Ali liked each other, and Howe had even managed to get himself a wife… But she hadn’t thought he’d managed to be friends with anyone else, although he and Zev had gotten on. And then Anders was a warden at the same time that Howe had been so maybe it made sense.

“They are friends,” Cole was nodding, “And he’s nice, he just thinks that you’re a bad influence on Alistair,” Bless Howe and his mother henning.

“I mean, he’s not wrong,” she was quite proud of that. 

“But he didn’t need influencing,” she was proud of that too, she’d been worried that Alistair would have been boring and Kingly, he’d been anything but. 

“Please stop, I don’t need to know about what you both get up to, it’s bad enough that I got to witness some of it,” Anders really was a giant prude.

“I’d apologise, but I was brought up not to lie,” that wasn’t entirely a lie, but she did lie at the drop of a hat when it suited. White lies, mainly. The occasional grey lie, and then well black lies could be advantageous too. 

“Jen, before you incriminate yourself further- why are you giggling?” he’d called Nate a criminal, “I don’t want to know. No, I don’t consider you to be a templar, in fact, I think at this moment you would be more at risk from them than me,”

“Hey!” She wasn’t an abomination, she didn’t even have magic. Anders was doing that sighing thing again, it was like he was a wind machine.

“Ignoring that. No, you aren’t keeping me locked away. I can choose to leave although it would be to return to the Wardens, who aren’t overly happy with me…” It didn’t look like he thought that was the worst idea though.

“I wonder why,” She couldn’t help it. It wasn’t convincing him to sleep with her, she could tell.

“Thanks, anyway, this isn’t a circle and I can walk at any point. You aren’t paying me, Adaar is. I am a little upset that I wasn’t here for the big reveal, Adaar seems to think you have a viable plan,”

“It’s great - see what people forget is that rich people like sex too, and they have money. So what do they spend it on? Wars, and dresses, but what if they had another option - sex parties, sex toys, sex! But in a respectable way, so it’d be like - Oh yeah well I have the latest catalogue from Jen’s and we’ve already ordered the first half,” She could see it now.

“I think they spend money on other things too,” 

“Yes, but soon it will be spent on sex toys - I can’t wait to be able to try the fucking machine, once the kinks have been worked out,” like the fact that it punched a hole through the test dummy of a dead pig. 

“No, see this is what we were talking about, no toys, not yet.”

“Well I said once it’s ready,” he wasn’t listening to her. 

“I am listening, but you are ignoring the bit where I explained why. The breathing issue, where you stop,” He was speaking slowly like she was an idiot.

“Then you watch me, or even better join in,” she really didn’t see what the big deal was. 

“Because I don’t want Alistair to kill me,”

“He’s not going to, he knows I have a list, he’s even given me a couple of suggestions,” he had, he was the best.

“Don’t tell me, the pirates turning up at some point,” she was on the list, but she was one to book for when Ali was about so they could explore fully. “Please learn to use your inside voice, I really really didn’t need to know that.”

“If I promise to be good?” she bit her bottom lip and kept hold of it so she didn’t say the next part. Cole, please get a white coat or just a bed sheet and make it into a coat by stabbing armholes in, and steal a clipboard and one of those small metal rods?

He nodded, disappearing as Anders stepped forward to gently prise her mouth open. She licked at his finger that remained longer than it needed to. 

“Biting yourself isn’t going to encourage me to let you loose,” he didn’t seem too upset by her tongue - oh no, maybe he was as he grasped it. “What exactly do you want us to do, Jen?”

He still had hold of her tongue, how was she supposed to respond.

“See, talking to Bull he seems to think you are just a pushy bottom, that needs to learn limits,” Thinking about it, they weren’t entirely wrong, but she wasn’t really a bottom, she was a hedonist. An absolute hedonist, it’s just that she was surrounded by big dominant people. Eww, she was drooling, and not because he was being all hot and shit. 

“Adaar thinks though, that you are an opportunist,” Yeah Adaar was a much better read of her than Bull, but then Adaar had the pleasure of hearing all of her intimate thoughts over the last few weeks, whilst Bull had been kept well away. Adaar wasn’t pleased about the whole pesky Qun problem thing.

“At least I don’t need to worry about it turning into a committed relationship,” he still had hold of her tongue, - that was something she’d need to talk to the ladies about, gags, ball gags, o ring gags, tongue gags, how had - “Jen, I can tell when you aren’t paying attention,” oh shit right, he was very close.

“Jen! Cole wants to steal my clipboard, says you need it, but I need it so you can’t have it,” Dagna stormed in with Cole repeating “Forget” after her to not much avail.

“Cole, she’s wearing the bracelet, it won’t work,” Anders wasn’t quite patronising, nor had he released her tongue. Bastard. 

“Oh sorry, is there something wrong?” Dagna stopped looking pissy and was now moving to prod her in the tongue, knowing her she’d want to take a sample.

“No, just teaching Jen not to use things without asking,” Anders explained, still not releasing her tongue. 

“Oh, ohhhhhh, is - does anyone else know?” Dagna looked like she’d just won the lottery.

“She has Anders as first pick,” first pick? “Bianca had Bull down, but Dagna and Clemence both said Anders,” ooh they were betting on her breaking someone. “Yes,”

“Jen, it’s very rude to have conversations with Cole when the grownups are talking,” Anders was being very mean. She tried to mumble sorry.

“Anyway, Jen, I need my clipboard, I’ll get another one made for you but not today sorry,” she shrugged, it was fine if they couldn’t find a clipboard.

“I have a clipboard,” Anders was suddenly a god again. She gave him a thumbs up.

“Wonderful, well I’ll let you get on, and I’ll tell everyone not to interfere,” Dagna was a boss as well. Cole was nodding.


	18. Fantasy

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Who would have thought that our "hero" would take advantage of the situation?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> There is "smut", there is even an orgasm. 99% of the chapter is spent chasing the high.

They were having a weird sexual Mexican standoff. And her brain really wanted to puzzle out why it was called a Mexican standoff, but he still had hold of her tongue.

“Cole, why does she need a clipboard?” Anders was looking… well hot, and tall, and yeah, she wanted to rub against him. Sigh.

“For playing Doctor and patient,” yep, Anders in a white cloak, playing Doctor, wasn’t it every girls dream? Possibly not, but it was currently the only thing on her mind.

“Exactly how is a clipboard involved?” He was asking her, but he hadn’t let her tongue go and it’d moved from annoying to; she’d bark if he asked her to. Instead, she could whine, and she wasn’t ashamed to do so, nor to wriggle closer to him.

“She can’t think now,” Cole answered for her because he was her Brole.

She wasn’t ashamed to whine again as Anders finally released her tongue, stepping back as she tried to follow, but her legs well, they were shaky at the best of times at the moment.

“Jen, I need to know - and I hate to ask this after some blessed peace, what’s going on it that head of yours,” Anders was so mean to her.

“Roleplay,” She could focus on that, because at the end of the day if she was only going to do this once she was going to enjoy every second of it.

“Roleplay, with a clipboard?” Now her brain had gone to - Cole - Bianca needs to get on making clamps, many clamps.

“Jen, focus on me for a moment, the clipboard, why?”

“So you look like a Doctor, with the clipboard and the white coat and taking my temperature,” but they didn’t have a thermometer so the metal would do. 

“If - if we are going to do this, is Cole staying?” that was the worlds stupidest question, of course, he was. Because Cole was her bro, and she would never kick him out. “I’m not trying to kick him out, because you two seem to be closer than I am with Justice which is just odd, but does Cole want to stay?”

“I always stay,” He clutched at her hand, and was glaring at Anders - she really didn’t want to know what Anders had thought. 

“Always?” Anders sounded disapproving.

“I mean yes,” What was the difference between Cole staying and Justice?

“Justice is part of me,” 

“Cole is part of me, and I’m part of Cole,” not really but they may as well be. When he’d not spoken to her, she had felt like a void had formed inside of her. 

“Don’t be mean to Jen,” Cole was outright glaring at Anders now. 

“He really is judgemental,” had he always been like that, was it one rule for Anders and the rest of the world could just burn.

“Are you really accusing me of being anti spirit?”

“If the shoe fits,” Well he might look fuckable and she might have a fire in her pants, but if he kept this up she wouldn’t want to and she’d find someone else to attack with her bodacious body.

“Bodacious body?” Anders relaxed, probably because he now knew she thought he was fuckable. Well, whatever.

“You are too old so wouldn’t possibly understand,” and she wasn’t sure how to explain Bill and Ted, maybe she should to Jamie - Cole would Jamie like Bill and Ted?

“Maybe?” Now all she needed to do was remember more of the plot. Possibly should write some of them down too, but then that would be cheating. “Only if you remembered any of it,” He was so cheeky.

Anders sighed.

“What?”

“Do you two realise how often you start having conversations in the middle of other conversations?”

“All the time, people are really boring, but Cole knows exactly what I’m thinking,” She was going down the honest route. Because he’d annoyed her.

“Thanks,” 

“Well, I’m sure at one point you weren’t, back in the good old days before you lost your sense of adventure.”

“I’m not that old,” she exchanged a look with Cole, who still had hold of the sheet. “I’m not!”

“All I’m implying is that maybe this would have worked better when you were in your youth and all rebellious and shit because you just seem a bit staid now.” Her nails needed filing, especially for when she started masturbating as soon as he fucked off.

“Explain the clipboard,” 

“Visual aid, for me, as is the cloak and the metal thing is for putting in my mouth for you to check if my throats clear and how warm I am,” Cole could help him, right? 

Cole nodded, because Brole.

“You haven’t won, but as you are clearly going to put yourself at risk if I don’t indulge you,” it sounded very much like she’d won. Yeah, that hadn’t been her inside voice from his expression.

“Alright - so it’s roleplay, if I go and leave the room, you have a chat with Cole and then we go from there?” He was going to do it, this was going to be awesome!

It had been Anders and Cole who had left, to give her chance to centre herself whatever that meant. Pretty sure it wasn’t what she was doing though, whilst not thinking about what she was doing.

How would the scene go, in an ideal situation where Anders played along like he would if he had Cole’s abilities but Alistair's needs. 

He’d invite her into his doctors office, being all manly and shit, his big white cloak billowing behind him like Heathcliffe on the moor. She really should have paid more attention in class, but then her versions of things were more entertaining. Anyway, he’d tap the clipboard, put it down firmly on the table and stride across with a wind machine blowing his long locks.

“Kaylee Frye, I know I am your doctor, and that you see me as only the brother to River, but I have a great need for you,” he’d say, placing his hands either side of her trapping her against the bed.

“Why Doctor, Simon, I know that I am just a simple engineer and that you are secretly in love with the Captain,” she’d tremble underneath him, as he would shake his head like a majestic stallion.

“Kaylee, you are much mistaken, my heart beats only for two, my sister and for you,” oh he was so sweet and cute ugh, maybe she should start writing stories to sell. Maybe a collection of short stories - no, Anders and Cole would return soon, best get on with it before they could stop her.

“Oh Simon!” he’d press a kiss on her neck like Gomez and Morticia, and he would say “Mi caramore,”.

His fingers would undo her bodice and rip it apart, pressing her into the bed as he kissed his way down her body, before devouring her whole with his mouth, just like that… Gods she needed to touch, but she’d sort of promised she wouldn’t but also they weren’t here so in her book that made it fine to do.

“Simon!” he would have his head between her legs and she would have her hands in his hair keeping him in place. 

“Jen!” No, her name was Kaylee in this - shit, fuck, Anders was not looking happy at her. She wasn’t actually - she was actually touching, when had that happened.

“Oops?”

“You’re an absolute menace!” 

“Yes, now either help or fuck off,” there it was the weird Mexican standoff thing, except this time she wasn’t prepared to back down.

“I give up, Cole let me know if she stops breathing,” Which was a bit of a shame because she had quite liked the idea of banging Anders but she wasn’t going to force him. “Thanks, nice to know that,” 

“She doesn’t mean it,”

“I do,”

“She does Cole,” 

“She doesn’t, she just burns, it scratches and itches like rats in her body until it’s all she can think of.” Cole was giving away all of her secrets.

“Jen?” Anders sounded serious.

“I told you that I needed to,” she wasn’t going to lie about it, it was pretty obvious she had needs she was a healthy-ish woman after all.

“If it wasn’t for the fact that Justice would recognise you as one, I’d say you were a blasted demon,” the wind machine again, but he had a hand against her fevered brow. “You’re a little warmer than normal, perhaps it’s more to do with what you are trying to do,” he sounded slightly distracted.

“Uh?” She wasn’t sure where this was going, but potentially - this had potential.

“You shouldn’t be running a fever, considering the amount of healing being pumped into you. Skin is flushed and warm to the touch, a little clammy, head back and open up, I want to check inside.” She complied without hesitation. He was wearing the white sheet; his fingers were gentle as they touched her face, she was just going to obey.

“Ahhhh,” it seemed the right thing to say, even if it did make his brow arch. Still the way his fingers lightly pressed into her throat, checking her glands.

“Swallow,” she did. “A little inflamed, blood is thumping though,” he made a hmm noise, releasing her to turn round to pick up his clipboard, making a note.

“You think it’s a fever?” because it wasn’t, it was just she needed to orgasm. 

“You run cooler than most, but I haven’t examined you whilst you are healthy so I don’t know. Do you know how frustrating it is not knowing? The infection has gone from the foot, but this heat - is it from sexual activity, or is it that the body is fighting another infection that was masked by the foot?” He put his quill down, before moving back to her side.

“Sorry?”

“So you should be, it’s fascinating in a way. Lots of things about you shouldn’t be, but they are. We will need to do a full examination, I want to document everything, try and work out whats going on,” She could just tell him. Cole was shaking his head. Or not.

It was very odd, she could feel the moisture between her legs, and the need was still there but he was looking at her like she was something to be examined. She wasn’t entirely sure if it was turning her on or not.

“So?” She gave props to Anders for running his fingers through her hair, even if she suspected it was more to do with checking for scratches than for comfort. It did feel amazing though, she really loved her head being massaged, and her eyes were closing involuntarily. He did have great hands. Strong, supple, flexible hands.

“Breathing is slowing, but no bumps on the head. You have a big knot at the back of your neck, but that shouldn’t be making you feel warmer. Hmm…” he rolled her over, with Cole helping to control her ankle so as not to bash it, as she was prone to do.

“Hmm?” When had her voice gotten so breathy, oh, when he’d started to work on that big stress knot. Gods he was a miracle worker, maybe she could hire him to set up as an erotic massagist?

“You just make up words you don’t know,” Anders sounded almost amused, as she let out a wonderful eek as the knot faded away. “Cole, can you write this down for me?” 

“You probably need to let him know what,” because Cole could write down what Anders was thinking too, and she suspected that wasn’t what he wanted.

“Cole, write down only what I tell you too,” Cole nodded, hopping onto the desk already making notes. “Patient is surprisingly compliant, warm to touch. No bumps or grazes on the scalp, throat minutely inflamed.” He was gently running his fingertips over her shoulder blades, digging in under the bone in places. 

“Ow,” it didn’t really hurt, but he wasn’t talking to her so.

“Is there anything I should be aware of, other than the obvious?” Oh, he was talking to her, oh gods he found the itchy bit on her shoulder and was scratching it. Ugh, she couldn’t stop herself from pressing into him, squirming on the bed as he did obscene things.

“Harrrder,” maybe she could get him to use a knife on it, and dig the blighter out. “No,” Cole was so mean to her.

“Dig what out?” huh, how to explain that she had things under her skin in places. Without wanting to kill herself that was. She shouldn’t have thought about it.

“Can you make me forget?” Cole shook his head sadly. They’d tried before, some things she couldn’t forget, no matter how badly she wanted to. Well, that had cooled - no Ander’s fingers tracing down her sides making her arch like a blasted cat if she started purring she’d die of embarrassment.

“Very responsive, I have to ask, is this because you haven’t been touched in a while or are you always like this?” She was beginning to think that he wasn’t asking purely for clinical reasons. Helped by Cole snickering.

“It depends, my skin is pretty sensitive, a cool breeze and the right frame of mind and I can practically orgasm,” but she wasn’t allowed - and probably rightly so not to stand outside in the cold naked. “My back though, it’s like, if you trace my spine down, I can’t help it,” the sigh was from her.

“Hmm,” Cole was busy scribbling things, which boded either badly or goodly. Fuck, Anders had his thumbs either side of her spine and was running down the entire length, resting at the very small of her back, pushing her back down on to the bed as her bottom lifted up.

“He doesn’t want you to lift up,” Cole helped. Well, that explained that but she couldn’t help it, nor the way her legs were spreading and trying to push her back up as Anders left his fingers there.

“Stop moving,” Anders was so mean. The sheet was scratchy, so scratchy in such a good way, her breasts were heavy as pushed against it, her head resting on her folded up arms.

Again, his thumbs either side of her spinal column, working their way painstakingly slowly until they stopped just before her cleft. He was teasing her, but Cole kept writing. “It’s not quite in alignment with what he thinks it should be,” oh. Maybe he wasn’t teasing her.

“Have you noticed problems walking?” Doctor Anders, asking her questions whilst he was touching her very sensitive sides with his fingers. His warm, strong fingers. “Jen?”

“Oh, uh,” Cole? 

“She’s had it for a long time,” thanks, Cole.

“Hmm, Dagna might be able to fix something up for that, she has some very interesting ideas,” Oh gods, she’d end up in a polio chamber thing. “What?” 

“Nothing?” oh his fingers were running down the backs of her thighs and not even attempting to slide between them, just one little touch would be enough at this point.

“You’re ticklish,” damn she was hoping the giggles had purely been in her head. He’d also managed to find the scar on her ankle.

“Shaving,” there had been another one on her other, but now instead of a scar, she had a two-inch band of metal so there was that. “Oh and that was when I wore stupid shoes and they rubbed on my feet so much that they bled and scarred,” because she - no she wasn’t thinking about that.

“The scar on your little toe?” oh that had been when they’d had to stitch it back on, from before here. More things she wasn’t thinking about.

“Not important,” none of it was, what was important was how he picked her up and placed her on her back. That was important.

“How does the band feel?” Anders to his credit didn’t press, as his clever fingers manipulated her feet.

“Weird?” It felt weird, “It doesn’t hurt though, and it doesn’t feel squirmy. Just, it’s not part of me, but it feels part of me,” like other things. She didn’t want to think about it.

“This one?” He stroked a finger over her knee, her right knee, her right knee that led up to her very aching centre.

“Uh, fell off a wall and bust my two top front teeth when I was a kid, they turned black and had to be pulled, and then my adult teeth grew in. Knee is the only scar that lasted,” and the gravel that was embedded under it. That no one had noticed until it had gotten too late to remove without lots of mess.

“This?” Oh, that one she didn’t - Cole?

“No,” thanks, Cole.

“Your muscles haven’t failed too badly considering how long you were out of action for,” That she had Cole to thank. He’d been helping move her leg when she couldn’t. Oh, gooooddds, Anders hand moved to massage the top of her thighs, how had she gotten a knot there, fuck.

Please touch, please touch, please touch. She’d even parted her legs further, tilting her hips to give him more access, like he even needed it. The way she could almost feel him touching her just there, even if it was just his magnetism against hers. 

THE FUCK. He’d moved his hands to her forehead again, that was not where she needed them, couldn’t he see she was needing his touch?

“Warmer, hmm, breathing has picked up in speed, open wide for me,” the bastard the absolute bastard. 

“ARRRRGH!” there, she screamed at him, he’d even stopped her hand from going between her legs.

“Well, you haven’t lost the ability to make noise, sadly.” He was a bastard, an utter utter bastard. It did, however, make her mind drift towards a very nice image. Leather gloves - things to add to the - oww why had he - fuck that felt good. He was busy feeling her breasts. 

“You can be a bit rougher, they can take it, I can take it,” instead of just running two hands over one and feeling. He was checking her breasts for bumps and lumps, she’d take it, it felt good, a little odd, but good. 

“Hmm, have you had any issues with tenderness?” Should she be worried by that little frown?

“No? I mean I almost lost a nipple once when someone bit down too hard and it got infected,” ha she’d tricked him into fondling her nipple, running both of them with his fingers, gods it felt sublime, another few minutes and she’d explode all over the bed. “Can you feeeeeeel it?” she couldn’t help the little moan as he’d brushed his fingers over the very hard nubs.

“Someone bit one almost off?” He was giving her a concerned look. No, Anders, he needed to focus on moving his fingers, not just - well holding them was fine too. 

“It was an accident, it’s how I lost a tooth too, not like that, but their head came up and bashed me during sex, the tooth had to be removed.” He pulled them taut and ugh it felt good, the burn as he cupped it beneath, clearly checking but she was a hedonist. And an opportunist.

“Have you had children?” 

“Not that I’m aware of, but I did go from being small to medium in the space of about a week, it was like puberty hit and my body changed overnight,” he was stroking the fine white lines on the underside of her left breast, and she was close, very close.

“Hmm, and the menses?” He’d stopped fondling them to place his head against her breast and she could feel the warmth of his breath on her cool skin. 

“Not for a long while,” Cole, shouldn’t she like tell Anders? Cole was still shaking his head. Apparently not. “You should probably taste too,” Anders didn’t fall for it though as he lifted his head back up without sucking on her nipple. It’d been worth a try.

“Since they stopped, have you noticed any problems?” Well other than the biggest one no. She was wriggling fully as he had his fingers played across her stomach, gently prodding her abdomen.

“No?”

“No as in, no you haven’t or no as in, yes but you don’t want to answer the question?” Wow, he had got a handle on her.

“Yes,”

“Right,” oh gods there was only one place left for him to look, this was it, he was going to touch her just there.

Or he was going to check her forehead again.

“Cooler, breathing is very slow now,” she didn’t feel cooler, she was burning alive. “Open wide,” ugh if it made him move further down sooner…

“Ahhh,” She hadn’t been expecting him to kiss her, or his fingers to slide between her legs as she opened wide. She wanted to savour but he teased out her pleasure with a mere brushing of his lips against hers and the promise of pressure.

“Breathe,” he was breathing for her, as she couldn’t quite focus on him, her body felt heavy, hot, heated. “Innn and outtt,” inhale and exhale. “Good girl, iinn and out,” inhale, exhale, inhale, exhale, inhale, exhale. 

“Again, in and out, in and out,” his voice was hypnotic and all she could feel was his lips brushing hers as she followed his directions, in and out.

“She’s almost lost,” Cole appeared next to them.

“Jen, I need you to blink once for yes, and twice for no, are you with us?” what? “Breathe for me Jen, in and out, how far is she?”

“She’s drifting on the sea,” Cole sounded strange, in and out.

“Jen, if you come back inland,” inhale and exhale, “No don’t shut your eyes, open your eyes, Jen, look at me, feel me,” her hand was placed on his chest, his warm chest. He was warm, she just wanted to close her eyes and drift away.

“No drifting,” no drifting, that's fine, no drifting. 

“Jen, you’ve been very good, very good, if you carry on being good we can reward you,” his fingers were reward enough, she’d felt so congested until he’d used them on her. Now she was just drifting happily. Inhale and exhale. 

“She’s drifting further,” Cole was stroking her neck again, she liked it when he did that.

“Alright, maybe this wasn’t the best idea. I’m sorry Jen, for what I’m about to do,” she was warm and happy. Inhale and - OUCH.

“THE FUCK ANDERS!” he’d poked her hard in the ribs like she had a bloody cramp.

“He’s sorry,” not fucking good enough, she was chill and now she bloody hurt.

“Sorry Jen, you do drift surprisingly easily though. I see what they meant now about the orgasm risk,” He ran his healing fingers over her side as if that would cure the huge bruise - oh it was. Well only because he was a healer.

“Verdict?” she growled.

“You’ll live, but no unsupervised sessions,” He was busy making notes on the clipboard. “Oh, you will need to get any partner vetted by Adaar and myself,” bastard.

“Sure whatever,” she would bitch at Adaar and interfere until she gave in. And then just ignore Anders completely.

“I can hear you,” whatever. It was his own fault for being an utter bastard and ruining her nice high.

“What about if I was to just come back here? Say in - what time is it?”

“You aren’t spending all day here,” he sounded pissy about it. She was very tired all of a sudden though, “Alright you can have a nap,” ha, mainly because she could tell he was still worried like the rest of the worrywarts.

“He wants to study you while you sleep,” Cole was her bro, and did the brofist with her. She was very sleepy, even after ruining her high with his abuse. 

“Sleep, harpy.” She was and not because he was telling her too, no it was because she was yawning so wide it was cracking her jaw and she had sleep tears.

“G’night,”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Next chapter starts as such :
> 
> _Hey Stud,_
> 
> It's been a while since she's written to Ali


	19. Ingrid...

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> She's almost free of Shoptopia - just a couple more things to do, like not attend any more dull meetings.

_Hey Stud,_

_You may hear some weird rumours coming out, about how I am going to Orlais to woo Celestine, but it’s not entirely true. I mean if she wants to I’m not going to say no, from all accounts she’s not bad looking at all! Oh, also Anders won’t do the thing everyone says he does. He’s so dull at times, he’s always like oh don’t do that, like a mean person._

_I miss you, but you already know that - I sent along some “personal items” and some sketches - well stick figures, of things we will do next time. We never got to use the cell - oh and Bianca (Davri - the one Dagna didn’t love) has tweaked the fucking machine it’s almost right, I mean it still punched through a dead pig, but it took like a few minutes rather than the first one. So fingers crossed! If you know a good leatherworker (or if Zev does) can you let Adaar know? We have some cool designs for items but want a true master craftsman to give it the best quality product to sell. Also so I can wear some shit for you - have you ever seen pony girls? And do you want to?_

_The builders are building me a cool paddock (because it’s fucking freezing) for some cool (well they aren’t because they are covered in fur)animals to breed for cool leather items. Have you seen the giant snow pigs? Apparently the leather feels like butter and we both know that’s going to feel great as like a cock ring. Oh also, you’ll never guess what we have now! A multicoloured Ram, he’s called Ragington, because he’s a rage demon - but he’s agreed to live with us so we can like shear him every so often. I can’t want to show you him when you next come to visit._

_Oh also - did you hear that Adaar still won’t let me sleep with the Hand of Korth? Apparently he and Kaaris have a thing now like that’s my problem. Both of them were happy enough to share, but Adaar says no, and Anders is a proper bitch about it too._

_Anyway - I miss you, and hoping that after we’ve been to the Emporium (they sent me an invite, I mean obviously right, but still!) we can come back via Denerim? If you are still wanting to see me. Adaar says the round trip should take about 6 weeks, so fingers crossed you won’t have forgotten about me in the meantime._

_Like from,_

_Jen xoxoxoxoxox  
_

“Are you really sending that?” Adaar didn’t seem too impressed by the flipbook of positions. Yes, yes she was, and the panties and nightdress with two blocks of finest goats cheese that Sam could find on his travels. 

“I mean, the cheese won’t get eaten here,” because it was for Alistair.

“Sure, whatever. Have you seen the mess in the Undercroft?” She was avoiding the place like the plague currently, Bianca and Dagna had started being civil. That bloody apprentice had managed to become ill over some fumes and now they were busy trying to cobble together a venting thing - which considering the whole point of the Undercroft was that there was a blasted wall missing…

“Please don’t,” she would punch the apprentice. Cole had declined killing her, as had Bull, even though it was now the best solution to the uproar in Shoptopia. 

“Well, you better show your face down there before it kicks off properly. Clemence now believes that it’s a death trap, and Tippany refuses to say anything at all because the apprentice has her running scared.” 

“Oh for fucks sake, what does the apprentice actually want? Because ever since they arrived it’s been demand after demand,” Adaar hadn’t given her a percentage thankfully, because she wasn’t actually an employee. 

“It’s gotten worse recently,” Adaar wasn’t telling her something, and Cole was busy paying homage to bloody Maryden.

“Why?” Maybe she was getting cabin fever now she could finally walk about almost without issue.

“Her elder sister is the Herald,” fuck. “Apparently we have the younger sister of the Herald of Andraste working with Clemence as an apprentice alchemist,” double fuck.

“Well can’t we release them to go work for the Inquisition then?” and get rid of them forever.

“It was suggested that if she wanted to join her family we wouldn’t hold her to the contract, apparently her sister always does this, so she’s staying,” There was a lot of horn scratching going on, so she definitely misheard that.

“What?”

“Apparently Apprentice Elder always likes to upstage her younger sibling, ever since she was born, two mages into the family - apprentice got herself relocated after elder was a late blossoming mage,” Adaar was quite clearly making shit up.

“So who have we got?” She’d never even bother to learn the woman’s name she was just known as the annoying one.

“Ingrid Trevelyan, younger sister to Evelyn the Herald,” fuck fuck fuck.

“Right, so what does she want? Because I’m guessing then the whole reason for the increase in obnoxiousness is that she’s jealous?” younger sisters, who’d have em.

“Tippany has asked if either she can come with you on the journey or…” no… No no no no.

“No,” She wasn’t taking “Ingrid who moans a lot” on tour with them. 

“Tippany isn’t allowed back into Denerim after the whole incident of her leaving,” oh where she got targeted by the spouse of her coworker who burnt down a whole street just to kill Tippany, who wasn’t even called Tippany.

“So, we’ll just make everyone forget her,” Adaar was giving her the look of no that’s not going to work either. “I don’t wanna take her with me, she’s going to sulk, I already have one sulking child coming with us,” which wasn’t fair on Connor, he’d gotten a lot better about it.

“Tippany said she’ll talk to Clemence about the whole Ingrid situation whilst Ingrid’s away,” Adaar was tricking her now. “And just think it will be a great experience for her,”

“That’s fine for you to say, you aren’t going off on your holidays with us, this was supposed to be a fun trip. A little bit of assassination, the odd heist, winding up the old biddies at the Dowager, maybe copping off with Celestine. Then I get to go to Kirkwall - please say the weapons will be ready for Kirkwall?” she attempted her best puppy eyes. “Pleasse,”

“Yes, they are being shipped out and you will meet the ship outside of the Orlesian waters so they don’t try and accuse you of mounting a small invasion attempt. Knowing you you would,” she’d own that comment, maybe if she could work out how to do it without risking everyone else she would. Maybe - making lots of sweets and dropping them into the main square with sleeping potions in them… No. Maybe?

“Sweet, alright so after I have my awesome tour of Orlais and rub those old bitches nose in it…” she couldn’t wait to see the outrage, “Then head to Kirkwall, sweet talk Carver and Merrill and get the mirror and see the Black Emporium. I’m buying pretty much everything I can afford right?” Well what they could steal from the Orlais lot, “And then have a chat with some people about the shards, and then Denerim. Shag Alistair a lot, and arrange him to visit us, and then - maybe we can kill a dragon?” it was sort of on the way back.

“No killing dragons,”

“Right, yeah, so put that on the maybe pile, and then back to here and have a moment of relaxation,” It was going to be awesome. Wait why was she pissy again, fuck, “Yeah no I’m not dragging Ingrid around on my shagging tour,”

“Do you think that anything will get done in the Undercroft until she leaves?” Adaar always had a point the damn woman.

“Whatever,” 

“Wonderful, she’s packing as we speak. Oh and we need one last meeting before you go, and the network does know where Gaspard was last seen. Are you really planning on killing him?” Adaar asked.

“Yeah, I mean I’ll try and sleep with him first because I’m curious you know, and once he’s dead well I won’t have chance. But he’s dead like as soon as I can reach him, I need his head, and it doesn’t need to be attached to his body,” preferably it wouldn’t be.

“Dagna has a bag to carry it in, says that it’ll keep it nice and fresh - please don’t bring it back as a trophy like the dragon head,” which had sort of, well, melted since she’d first brought it back. Adaar kept trying to convince her to allow them to strip it down properly and just have the skull. It did smell a little funky and was not allowed to be hung anywhere inside or near people. 

“I’m going to give it to Celestine and then get her to give me unlimited access to the archives.” It was in an oasis, fuck yes she remembered that much about the shards, “Hey, so how many oasis’s are there?”

“What?” 

“Like in Orlais, I think the shards are for an oasis, with a troll or a giant, anyway, one of them. Mining company there, and it’s there,” 

“I was just saying to Bull how I was missing the days of the no useful information,” that was good she had a list of really not even half-remembered information.

“Great - Cole wants to go to where Lacy’s family are as well, so yeah need to do that too, do you think that will impact on our return time?”

“Yes, because it’s another place to travel to, and why?”

“Oh because we need to go kill someone there and plant a load of evidence,” Cole had nagged her about it because they’d not had to worry about Adaar or Cadash. Cadash who kept winking at her in the Inn but never actually approaching…

“Because everyone has been banned from approaching you due to the health risks,” Adaar sounded bored again.

“Great, remind me again why I pay everyone?”

“You don’t pay anyone to sleep with you, and Anders says no still, also he’s not happy about having to travel in disguise,”

“He could just not come, Stitches is coming, I don’t need Anders,” well maybe she did, but she wasn’t going to be kept here just because Anders was like the most wanted criminal other than Corypheus who no one knew about.

“We all know about him, Alistair isn’t happy,” Adaar finished tapping her papers. “Right, so do you need a hand coming to the meeting, or can you make your own way?” decisions decisions, Adaar had carried her like a maiden before, and it’d been nice. 

“My ankles a bit weak?” Adaar rolled her eyes before scooping her up. Best CEO ever.

“First run of the catalogue has been done - it’s a limited run of items. The taste potion well, it works, and no one has had any side effects as yet but, we’re holding off on altering tastes just yet. Just flavourless at the moment,” Tippany looked up from her notes as Adaar came to an end.

“Ah yes, The Iron Bull has been most helpful in regards to testing, and 9 out of 10 applications have resulted in the specimen coming back flavourless.” Tippany was busy checking her notes again, “We want to get that sample size down from 1 out of 10 to 1 out of 100, at which point we will start to explore different flavours with the seminal fluid.”

“Wonderful, I want strawberry, chocolate, vanilla, mint, banana, coconut, pineapple, pear, peach, grape, honey, honey salt.” No one was making any notes. “As flavours,” 

“No, we’ll trial three flavours only after the first batch of flavourless is up and running, with people buying it. Then we can look at flavours that people want, with potentially one that’s based on your wants because you are funding it,” Adaar was so generous.

“Honey salt then,” because she loved it.

“We aren’t at that stage yet, so you’ll have to wait.” Why was she even here if she wasn’t being listened to?

“Anything else then?” This meeting was going to drag she could tell.

“We’ve only just started, Dagna you’re up,” Adaar was shooting daggers at her. It was bad enough that she’d been talked into taking Ingrid, then she was banned from picking flavours.

“Oh wonderful, so we have a range of different styles of toys, from the dawnstone ones to the Onyx, with a variety of interchangeable runes but we are still working on that aspect. The runes have durability of up to one year, we think. Loving the idea of the vibration but issue with that being it has the same effect that Bianca’s does and it also has caused some numbness in the limbs. Which does wear off, but not overly quickly.” 

“How about the clamps?” the weighted ones and the ones with little bells on.

“Clamps are coming on, although they aren’t as cost-effective as the dildos. They require more fiddling, we’ll need to hire some more people on, it’s not overly complicated but it does take a while.” It didn’t help that the clamps were more Dagna than Bianca who had a full team but wasn’t sharing her staff the bitch.

“Adaar?” 

“Yes, we have it on the list, Dagna did you manage to look at the foot issue?” What?

“I thought we’d fixed my foot? Look I have a pretty band and everything,” 

“In case it falls off,” Adaar spoke quickly as if she wouldn’t hear it. Her foot fell off or the band???

“Excuse me?” Anders wasn’t looking up either.

“We don’t know, this is all unknown, Dagna was adapting it so we could attach it if we needed to on the road.” Anders had the cheek to look at Dagna and not her as he was casually talking about her foot just dropping off.

“I made you a glass slipper for it,” ok well she liked Dagna at least.

“No glass slippers,” Adaar was so dull, wait she - they were talking about her foot dropping off, must not get distracted.

“We don’t leave smashed glass lying about the place,” Mary piped up, and Dagna looked upset.

“It’s been coated so it won’t just smash, there is no point in making something that can’t be used,” Glass dildo.

“Glass dildo!” Dagna’s eyes lit up, this was why Dagna was the best.

“You prove that it won’t break and then we can look at it,” Adaar was being all CEO again.

“So dull,” Dagna nodded in agreement because Dagna isn’t dull and boring, Dagna was kickass.

“Bianca is up next,” wait, she was still annoyed about something.

“The quick release handcuffs were easy to rig, but the hogtie has some issues still, the dlink is great though love it as a system. We are trying to work out a way of setting up a proper production line, but we need more space…” Adaar nodded. “The fucking machine is almost there, we will need some volunteers,” 

“I’ll do it,” falling on the sword of being the boss lady, she couldn’t ask others to do what she wouldn’t after all. 

“No Jen, no you won’t,” Adaar was so mean!

“I’ve written to Ali about leather workers unless Cadash knows some?” Cadash who was suspiciously missing again from the meeting.

“She’s put the word out, but if Alistair can come through it might be cheaper. We’ve sent out notices with the carts. We do need to look at boats as well, we’ve hired one for the period of three months, but we might want to look at buying one,” 

“Great, well anything else?”

“Don’t cause a war?” Adaar wasn’t grinning. She was being serious, did Adaar trust her so little?

“I’m not going to if anything I’m going to end one!”

“That doesn’t reassure me, at all,”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I love this person so much, Yummychii asked what Not Jen looked like and then from my rubbish Pinterest board - turned it into this  
> https://www.instagram.com/yummy_chii/


	20. Exalted March?

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> A Bog Unicorn, Haven and a wicked wicked plan

Why everyone was giving her the evils when she hadn’t done anything was beyond her comprehension. Personally, she thought Anders looked good with a crew cut and brown hair, it was better than the fake breasts she’d suggested first.

“That’s not why,” Cole was perched behind her on the nag, well it wasn’t a nag, it was a bloody bog unicorn that she’d “found”. She hadn’t stopped beaming since they’d found it.

“Why then?” The bog unicorn was such a good boy, he was pretty and lovely and really liked how she stroked his ears. Such a good good boy.

“They think it looks evil,” 

“That’s just being attractivist,”

“You really do just makeup words don’t you,” Anders kept running his hand over his closely cropped hair. It did feel funny, but she liked it, she couldn’t wait until he gave in and let her sleep with it against her chest.

“Boss, is it wise to take it into Haven?” Bull didn’t know how to live dangerously.

“Yes, because we need to pop in so I can finally meet people properly and then we are heading off,” Because she had a plan. A fiendish plan, that involved Josie gifting her the mount for “rescuing it” on route.

“We giving them the other stuff that we found?” It wasn’t her fault people didn’t know how to protect their parties. Just because there were rifts out there didn’t mean that everything else didn’t exist. Like ravines, and wolves and rams and rocks that fell down mountains onto the path scaring unwary travellers and sent them plummeting to their deaths down a deep ravine to be feasted on by a wolf. Her people were aware of the risk of landslides - there were even signs up. She was merely cleaning up after the people who didn’t know how to look after themselves. 

“If they ask?” Not that there was much there, a couple of mounts, the bog unicorn, some rations and a few messages. That they looked through. To see who they were going to so they could deliver them obviously, but now she knew where there was a really cool elk thing which she really needed to have. She’d send that back with Sam’s cart when he returned back to Shoptopia with the latest round of goods and hopefully a researcher.

Haven looked “welcoming” with its soldiers and shit, why they needed so many soldiers was beyond her unless they were plotting an exalted march.

“Hey, do you think they are planning an exalted march?” 

“Hey Boss, do you fancy not saying shit like that where the nice people can hear you?” Bull was scratching at his horns, his knuckles suspiciously white.

“What, so dull, you and him are the same - what happened to the young rebellious people who like sex and shit?” She was doing her best not to call Anders Anders. Even if she had put together a piece of paper that gave him immunity, and Cole to make them forget he was even here.

“Jen, are you planning to stay for more than a day?” Sam interrupted, he was probably concerned that she’d interfere with the trade network, but that wasn’t why she was here.

“Nope, in and out, we need to make headway today really if we want to meet up with the target,” Gaspard, muhahahahaaaaaaaa.

“Boss, you’re doing that thing again,” oh for fucks sake.

Whilst most of the travelling company waited outside of the walls, Bull refused to let her enter alone because Adaar had threatened him. Bull was such a giant wuss at times. 

Josie had been delighted to meet her, as had Roderick who’d been far nicer to them than he had to the Inquisition. Tensions were definitely high.

“It’s such a pleasure to meet you, Varric informed us you have been unwell?” She’d been invited to sit down in the office, the office with Minaeve who hadn’t signed up to be her researcher even with the custom advert. What more did she need to offer? Maybe if she wrote her name on it, that would help? Probably not. 

“Oh yes, I had a bit of an accident,” Josie gasped at the pretty band but didn’t get too close, which was probably a good thing considering the look Bull was giving her. Probably shouldn’t show off the weird thing that wasn’t right. Whatever. “We’re on our way into Orlais, but I wanted to take the opportunity to say hello formally, as we are neighbours. I understand that you are doing some interesting work what with the whole argh demons fighting thing?”

They really didn’t have time for the half an hour sales pitch from Josie, even if it did come attached with chocolates, that tasted fucking amazing. She’d have to get the supplier and get Sam and Mary on it. Or Adaar, she wasn’t sure any more who did what.

“Wonderful, well if there is anything else you need you just have to ask, I think Sam or one of Sam’s team is here what every week - every other week?”

“Every other week Boss,” Bull pretending to be Adaar, how cute.

“Oh, also, I don’t know if Adaar, Herah has spoken to you about interesting mounts?” Mary called Adaar Herah, but when she’d asked, Adaar had said she preferred her surname something to do with her memory issues...

“Yes, and of course thank you for returning the items from our unfortunate courier. I am sure the Herald won’t mind at all that the Unicorn has bonded with you,” which was a good job because there was no fucking way she was giving it up. It looked cool, and it didn’t hurt her thighs riding it.

“If you do know of any researchers who are interested in working for us, you will send them our way? I know you’re doing fine work here and I can’t see the harm in sharing what we discover. Finding people who don’t mind working with the Tranquil is surprisingly difficult. I truly don’t understand why they are wonderful people; hard-working, honest, funny even in their own way,” Bull coughed behind her, maybe she was laying it on a bit strong.

“I will keep it in mind,” Josie also sounded a little more suspicious, yep too strong.

“Until the next time,” best be off before el diablo turned up and not even Cole could save her.

Roderick was waiting next to the main doors, with Cullen which meant they were about to have a massive kickoff - possibly. Cole was busy making sure Ingrid didn’t upset Adan too much, because Adan even though he was a massive shit-stirrer sending her for Clemence, was useful. 

“Hi Grand Chancellor, and other person,” mustn’t say, Cullen, who looked fucking climbable.

“Jen Her’ald, what an utter pleasure to see you again,” Well Cullen now hated her, especially with the very chummy hand clap shake thing Roderick had done.

“Cullen Rutherford, General for the Inquisition’s armies, for what they are,” Yeah that was definitely disdain on his face, they said she didn’t know how to read people, pah. 

“This is The Iron Bull, of the Bull’s Chargers, he’s a part-owner in my business, you may have heard of us, Jen Her’ald’s Little Shoppe of Odds, Gods and Sods, catalogue coming out very soon,” Cullen shook her hand, firm warm, dry, just how she liked it.

“I shall leave you to converse,” Well Cullen ran off like a little girl. Perhaps it meant that the Herald wasn’t in Haven, which would be good because Ingrid had threatened to tear her eyes out for being an attention hog, for a good hour on their journey across from Shoptopia. People said she had issues, she had nothing on Ingrid.

“We only dropped in to offer condolences on our way to Val Royeaux,” yes a little light gleam there, laying down the bread crumbs one by one, come with us little Roderick, come with and regale with tales of horror and woe. Because it couldn’t be worse than bloody Ingrid’s.

“You have business there?” the fish was on the hook, repeat fish on hook, she was the best fisher in all of Thedas.

“Yes, a small very quick detour to collect an item, and then off to see the finest city in all of Orlais, for business. I’ve been a bit ill and now I’ve been given a clean bill of health I have lots to do,” before shit gets even more real.

“I also need to travel to the seat of the Chantry,” Roderick replied like the good little fishy he was. Bull pinched her, he was so suspicious of her actions, or maybe she was being too gleeful it was possible.

“Oh really, perhaps - as it is such dangerous times, you would like to join our party? Bull here is a very very good escort, he hasn’t lost a man - or woman yet, have you Bull,”

“Boss,” he was so going to chew her out later. It was completely worth it.

“I was going to hire a carriage,”

“No, save your money, we couldn’t possibly charge a man such as you, why by this point I consider us friends - I hope you don’t mind,” fuck Anders was going to have to heal up the bruises from Bull’s bloody fingers. Roderick looked pleased though, they would dine well tonight.

“Well, how could I possibly refuse?” Now to leave Dodge before Ingrid ran into her sister and caused a giant scene. Or maybe they could leave her here…

“Wonderful, I need to collect our apprentice from the Alchemist and then we will be away if that will give you enough time? No need to worry about rations and things, we are always over-prepared, aren’t we Bull,”

“Yes,” not even a Yes Boss, she was in trouble. She’d have to chat with Anders about telling Bull all the reasons why he wouldn’t be allowed to kill her. Bull thought Cole was very biased in her favour, so wouldn’t put as much stock in Cole’s words. At the end of the day she hadn’t slept with Bull yet, she would have to share that point herself.

“I shall need only a short moment,” Wonderful. 

“And then Adan said that if I wanted I could do a stint in Haven with him because he is working on interesting things now,” Ingrid was ranting still and had been for the last half a day. It was only because Cole wouldn’t let her ride away from her that they were still listening.

“Right, well, that was interesting - again. Did you actually learn anything new from him? Any new recipes, did you share any of what you lot have been doing in the Undercroft?” Which was why Ingrid had been allowed into Haven to see Adan, not to bitch about her sister. Again.

“Passed over some of the alterations to the regen stuff we’d been working on for you,” Cole at least had confirmed for her that the reason why Minaeve hadn’t taken the bait was because of Adan. Who knew sex would win over cool custom jobs. Well, she did, which is why she was basing her business on it.

“Great,” please Cole make her forget. 

“I can’t, I tried,” he hugged her, resting his head on her shoulder. Bleargh, Dagna was a menace with the anti-Cole bracelets. Of course, she’d give one to the annoying one.

“Boss?” They had reached the estate where Gaspard was staying, and Bull was looking nervous at the plan. She had no idea why it was a cracking plan.

“Yep?” Anders didn’t look convinced - in fact, the only person who knew the plan and did look convinced by it was Cole.

“I don’t want to doubt you boss, but you have an actual plan right?”

“Yes,” this was an actual plan. They’d “bumped into” the estate owner who’d invited the Grand Chancellor, her and Ingrid to dine with them, who knew that Ingrid’s famous sister would come in handy. Cole would be attending, with Ingrid being forced to remove the bracelet for the night as no one trusted her not to keep quiet.

“Once you go in, we’ll have to storm the place to get you out if it goes wrong,” and he didn’t want to, because that would be a pr nightmare for the Chargers, which she fully understood and accepted.

“I’ve killed almost singlehandedly two high dragons, Cole held my hand both times, but still. I’m sure I can survive one little dinner,” He looked even less convinced.

“Jen, no one will think any less of you if you just have a meal, you don’t need to do the rest,” Anders would miss her if it went terribly wrong. “No, but I don’t want to be the one to tell Alistair, also the voice thing, it’s much better but still, you need to be very careful,” 

She knew that. She wasn’t stupid.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Word of warning, the next chapter includes a little bit of Gaspard smut. Just a tiny bit.


	21. The Usurper

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> She tries out being Mata Hari.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Warning - if you've got this far well, you know what to expect right. But still, there is a reason why this fic is explicit. If sex followed by death squicks you just skip this chapter. I'm guessing though that by now, it's a bit like whatevs right.

The Kaylee dress does it again. Even Ingrid looked less surly as they were escorted by the Grand Chancellor, who was delighted to do so. Even a man of the cloth wasn’t averse to being flanked by - well Ingrid was pretty in a sulky way. She was glad that Cole had hold of her free hand, hidden from everyone but her. He knew how to keep her from flipping her lid at the much younger female.

They were enthusiastically greeted by the host, who spared no time introducing them to the Grand Duke.

“My Ladies, Grand Chancellor,” Gaspard was so French, she loved it. Cole remind her again why they were going to cut this charming man down in his prime?

“The war, the archives, the elves, Ferelden,” oh yeah. She needed his head in the bag. 

“Charmed, absolutely charmed to meet you,” Gaspard kissed her hand, she was totally shagging him, wholly and thoroughly until he expired of pleasure - that wasn’t a bad thing, right?

“No,” Cole didn’t judge. Hopefully neither would the Chancellor, not that he’d remember. In fact no one would remember.

The meal looked delicious, the finest pate she’d ever seen, how they had got it so fine was beyond her. She’d have to have a poke about in the kitchen afterwards, maybe rescue some of the items. Well because there would be no point leaving them to just get damaged by the massive fire.

Gaspard had started out strong with Ingrid, before realising as everyone else had that she was utterly annoying. Perhaps at some point, she’d invest time in explaining that looks weren’t enough. Ingrid had talent too, but if people wanted to stab her before she got chance to show it off, well what was the point.

“Thanks Ingrid, maybe you would like to show off how you can play some music, over there,” Ingrid was giving her daggers. Well, no one wanted to know about how Evelyn stole all the glory all the time. Not again at any rate.

“She is very passionate,” Gaspard was being overly polite about Ingrid, it was not how she described her. She’d remember to dock Tippany’s pay when they returned back to Shoptopia for having blackmailed her into bringing the annoying one. 

Roderick had drifted off to converse with their host about the Chantry over some very lovely looking brandy and cheese. She’d make sure to take that too. In fact, Cole - they’d need a cart for all the items they would be rescuing.

“She’s very much a younger sibling from what I can make out, believe me, it wasn’t a massive shock to discover that fact. Up until that point, she was a nightmare, if it wasn’t one thing it was another,” She was loving the fan Cole had found for her and was using it as much as possible. She loved pretending to be Marie Antoinette, gossipping with the Grand Duke behind it. Though now she was wondering if she also needed a mask, that would be cool, but more of a Venetian mask than - well was the Orlesian ones really Venetian? 

Gaspard offered his arm, which was very gentlemanly of him, interrupting her flow of thoughts. She’d need to be reminded again why they were killing him. He hadn’t once talked about invading Ferelden, or whatever else it was she needed to kill him for. Instead, he’d been attentive, funny and charming. Yes, he wasn’t as tall as Alistair, or as muscled, but she could see he hadn’t let himself go. Not truly, a bit of a paunch, but a bit of softness wasn’t a bad thing.

“You must tell me how do you find our fair country?” Oh right, he thought she was Ferelden, she was banging a Ferelden King, did that make her now Ferelden, or was she Shoptopian? Hmm, she’d have to have a chat with people about that.

“It’s delightful as it’s rightful Emperor,” he liked that, as he escorted her out of the room towards the stairs. 

She probably should wait for Cole to return, but he’d find her, he always did. There was no mistaking the reason for the detour to Gaspard’s opulent bedroom, as he kissed each inch of her flesh as he stripped away the dress. He knew how to kiss, teasing kisses that rasped, leaving little marks. Yes, she was going to shag the Usurper. Fuck yes.

It was almost loving, how he took her slowly, Anders would kill her as Gaspard pinned her to the bed, worrying at her neck as she bared it to him. His legs spreading hers wide until they burned, long slow rotating drives into her. He wasn’t as thick as Ali, nor as long, but his shaft still dragged in the right way.

No immature youth who spurted at the first of her clenches around him, but a moan and a breath-stealing kiss instead. He liked it as she clasped and released, urging him to take her again and again with her body. He’d wrapped a blindfold around her eyes as he’d removed his mask, but she didn’t hate it, didn’t hate it at all. If anything, not knowing if anyone else was there was a turn on. 

He kept her on the pinnacle of release almost too long, switching the rhythm as she started to topple over until she could feel him reach the same place. They crashed over the edge together, and she was covered in hot wet liquid. Then his dead weight. Had he had a heart attack? Had he fallen unconscious? 

She pulled the blindfold off. No, Cole had cut his head off. Nice. Eww, she was covered in blood.

“He was going to kill you,” well that was a bit mean, they’d just had pretty good sex, what possible reason did he have for wanting to kill her? “He thought you were going to kill him,” 

“Fair enough,” Apparently he’d been a pretty good read of her character too. 

There were six other corpses in the room, all of his bodyguards, in various states of arousal. She had been watched - and it was glorious. Maybe she had issues?

“Adaar is looking for someone who can talk to you,” Right so a little crazy. “Just different, they want to make sure you won’t go too crazy on them, or the King,” fair enough.

He helped her bathe, Gaspard’s headless corpse propped up in the corner of the room, on top of the other bodies. It made quite the sight.

“Cole?”

“Yes?” he was humming as he rubbed the fine oils over her back—gods he had glorious fingers.

“Do you think we are doing the right thing, I know it’s a bit late now, but do you think we are?” They could hardly put Humpty together again. Not unless they got Dorian, and then people might notice that Gaspard was a reanimated corpse. Or possibly not. People rarely looked beyond the tips of their noses.

“He was going to kill you,” Cole kissed her on the forehead, wrapping his arms around her and hugging tightly.

“Thanks Cole,” that was good enough for her.

The estate had been chock-filled with goodies, lots of nice heirlooms that could be melted down, or used for other things. The kitchen was full of mod cons, which would save Shoptopia a fortune and Bianca could work on making mass-produced ones. The servants were all “encouraged” to leave shortly after breakfast, with bags of coin for those who hadn’t wanted to join up to the Pleasure Palace. Their host had been judged as dangerous, mainly because he’d tried to kill her after stumbling into Gaspard’s bedroom and finding him dead. 

He had joined his Usurper and was in the pile. Roderick and Ingrid had both left the previous night, having forgotten they had even attended a meal. The only downside of the whole affair she could see had been they had already filled a cart and would have to send it with some of their escort back to Shoptopia. Still, they could hire more if needed. Or so Bull had said, who looked almost impressed by the pile of bodies.

“So we burning the place down to the ground?” That was the plan. 

“Pretty much, Cole did a scout through to check no one was being kept prisoner anywhere, not that Chevaliers would do such a thing…” Bull grinned. Cole had spent a while reminding her of all the thing Chevaliers did that they didn’t like. Gaspard had been very charming, even if he had been plotting to kill her, she’d needed to be reminded they’d done the right thing a couple of times.

“We got everything worth taking?” 

“Pretty much, the bag seems to be holding up too, like it’s not dripped through, but then Dagna does fine work - do you want to see it?” Anders had declined, on the grounds that he didn’t need to. Bull had been pretty impressed though, they’d taken all of the jewellery to show Celestine if she needed any more proof. It might have been a while since she’d last seen her cousin without his mask on. Or his body. The mask was pretty cool though, even if she’d been told off for trying it on, it wasn’t like they didn’t know where it had been.

“Any more detours?”

“Not this trip, or like, not until we have more paddock space - then when we do, there is this really cool creature we need to go get, but there is no point until we have somewhere to put it,” Bull would like catching the Snowy Wyvern too because it was next to a dragon. And there would be explosives involved.

“Great, because we are just running to schedule, and Adaar will kill us if we miss the boat,” He was so whipped.

Apparently, no one thought wearing Chevalier armour was a plan going into Val Royeaux, so it had been sent back to Shoptopia for roleplay scenarios. Anders had bitched at her for ages about the bruises. Oh and the fact that her hips had to be manipulated back into place. Good news though had been so far, she still had her own foot.

“Do you really think that it’ll drop off?” Anders was busy checking her over again, which involved her being fully naked, which she wasn’t complaining about. 

“We’d rather be prepared,” He was busy rechecking her spine, as the cart rolled forward, rattling them both.

“Oooowwwwww, watch the fingers!” he’d jabbed her in the side hard, and she could feel the bruise forming by the very second.

“Sorry, it’s a bit hard to do while moving, but it needs to be done. Did you do anything different with Gaspard?” Anders had the absent doctor voice down pat.

“Different how?” She didn’t usually end a session covered in blood, it wasn’t the first time, but it was the first time the other person had been decapitated while inside of her.

“Cole said normally dancing gets your body back into alignment?” Ah, yeah she’d forgotten to dance, it was a lot easier to do when Jamie wasn’t about to remind her dancing was a fun thing to do.

“Yeah, about that…”

“You had sex against everyone’s advice, which I can’t do anything about now, but if you are going to ignore us, please look after yourself afterwards,” Wind machine Anders was back.

“I forgot, it was a little busy, I was covered in blood so had to have a bath, and then we had shit to do. Alistair has banned us from this kind of thing in Ferelden, and someone has to make money to pay the wages,”

“You are not short of cash, and definitely won’t be after you’ve divided up all of the stuff you “rescued” from the fire. Although it was kind of you to let the staff take coin and other easy to hide items,” Ha Anders did approve of what they were doing. She knew he wasn’t completely boring any more.

“Well, no point giving them shit that they’ll be accused of stealing, and we offered all of them jobs if they want it. It’s just they have nowhere to live anymore. Because of the whole, it’s burnt to the ground,” Who knew Ingrid liked fire magic. The whole, imagine this estate is your sister, and it was like she was a hundred mages. They’d made her forget afterwards, for insurance sake. She was a little happier, though.

“At least it wasn’t with someone who could do real damage to you,” Anders was still on the no sleeping with Bull shit.

“I mean, he was going to kill me, it’s just Cole killed him first,” Anders helped her roll over, parting her legs, sliding a cushion underneath.

“Did you feel any tearing?” oh gods, he knew how to prepare her.

“No?” No, Gaspard had been really great up until he lost his head.

“You had a bit of muscle damage, I’m concerned about internally too,” his thumb was casually stroking her clit as he crooked his two fingers inside her, stroking her inner walls like a fucking god.

“Mhmm,” 

“No biting of the lips please Jen, are you sure you didn’t feel anything go?” was that a third finger, fuck it felt good.

“In and out Jen, in and out,” inhale, quiver, exhale, quiver, “Good girl, you are doing really really well, good work on the breathing, in and out, in and out,” f..fuccck. 

“More,” her lips were so dry, even her tongue couldn’t dampen them, and he slapped her thigh when she’d tried biting them.

“Not yet, we’ll get you to more I promise. Can you feel this?” He was stroking her clit with his thumb, while she tried to lure more of him inside.

“In and out Jen, in and out,” inhale, fuccccck, exhallle, shittt fuck fuck fuck fuck, “No Jen, you need to breathe out too, not just in, breathe in and out, out Jen,”

The way his little finger stroked between the cleft of her cheeks was enough to tip her over the edge, the world exploding in white. She fucking loved these new sessions.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm trying to do every three days, as every day/two was too quick (apparently) but I'm not great at keeping track of days. So forgive me if I spurt my metaphorical load too quickly getting excited about sharing.


	22. The Randy Dowager

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Propositions

_Studly,_

_It’s your best gal here, writing to you from sunny Orlais - bleargh, but has to be done. Oh, sad news - weeping a plenty obviously, Gaspard is dead! Oh no, yeah it was a HUGE shocker here too. Also, this might arrive before the news does - Bull doesn’t want me to send it yet but fuck him - I can’t yet, Anders still won’t let me._

_Missing you lots._

_Currently on schedule, just waiting for Celestine to grant an audience so I can show her something she’s been “dying” to see. I’m fucking hilarious._

_Oh, Anders is doing this new thing, where he coaxes me through orgasms twice a day, and he’s pretty good at it. He’s not using the old spark magic or his cock, but it’s still pretty nice ya know. By the time we get to Denerim, I’ll be on the all-clear - and we will ignore him if he hasn’t,_

_See you not too long away, I mean see you soon,_

_Yours,_

_Lots of Like,_

_Jen xoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxox_

“You can’t send it,” Bull was doing his best stern impression, which for someone who was being henpecked by Anders and a very absent Adaar was hilarious.

“I can,” 

“Boss, no,”

“Bull, yes,”

“Ingrid will burn it,”

“No she won’t,”

“Connor will?” He’d lost, ha.

“Sure whatever Bull, has Roderick come through yet?” They were waiting for him to pull a few strings. Celest- Celine her name was Celine not Celestine like the song and the lake, was proving difficult to convince to meet with them.

“He’s stirred up the Chantry,” she knew that bit, it was his whole reason for coming here. To piss off the Inquisition, she wasn’t going to complain about that bit. They’d already warned him though that they were heading back via Kirkwall and possibly somewhere else, then on through Denerim and killing a dragon before back to Shoptopia. She had promised that if he wanted he could hitch a lift back with the goods that would be being shipped back to Shoptopia for Dagna and Bianca though.

“He’s got some stones don’t you think?” He might be her hero.

“What?”

“Well, he has the stones to stand up to a new regime which has power because he doesn’t believe what they are doing is right. He’s not only stuck about the place to tell them - when he has nothing but the power of a pretty dead organisation to stop them from offing him. He’s travelled with us, to here, and then he’s heading back to Haven. Like, props to him, he’s stuck to his beliefs regardless of if it makes him popular.” Cole liked him too, not that he was always the best judge, he liked her, and she’d plotted to assassinate the Grand Duke so…

“I don’t think that’s how the Inquisition will see it, Boss.”

“But that's it, he doesn’t care. He’s one man, granted like a high up the tree man, but even still, one man battling a much larger group. It’s like Samson and Goliath,” Bull was looking confused.

“Samson and Delilah, or David and Goliath,” Cole was snuggled up behind her, he’d worn himself out bless him.

“Sure Boss,” Bull had drawn the short straw as to babysitting her. She has one massive argument with the old bags in the Randy Dowager, and suddenly they can’t leave her alone with Cole.

“You did throw a chair at them,” Cole giggled.

“Well they refused to return my membership fee, that I paid upfront before they asked for my name. I asked for one-lifetime membership, handed over the not small amount of money, which they gave me a receipt for, and then voided it because they don’t like me.” 

“You got the money back,” Bull pointed out, he was doing his best to pretend they weren’t together in the small coffee shop.

“Only because of Cole,” who stole it back for her. He’d offered to steal other things, but as they were going to get access anyway, there was no reason to. Or not unless they were going to be awful.

“Oh did you see that cool statue?” she asked. Bull was staring at the off duty Chargers who were having fun in the inn across the street.

“You kept laughing and dancing around it with Cole, so yes.” Well, she wasn’t going to let him ride the Nuggalope’s then when they worked out how to get the locations from the thing. The man had promised that it would work before closing up shop. Still, Cole had gotten her money back anyway.

“Isn’t it awesome!” Bull didn’t look as impressed.

“Oh and did we manage to get all the attachments for the weapons?” Because Varric was going to pay through the nose if he wanted a better Bianca.

“Yes Boss, we have bought all sorts of very random tat. Adaar is going to be thrilled,” She was when she saw the best gold nug statue in all of Thedas - probably.

“Where’s Connor?” Who had been avoiding her and Ingrid.

“He’s with the guys across the road, Ingrid’s having an early night after being invited to meet with some Mage nearby. You were also invited, Cole thought it best you didn’t attend,” Viv? Cole was nodding, yeah probably not a great idea to meet her. But sending Ingrid alone wasn’t a good idea either.

“Connor escorting her?” Connor would kill Ingrid within minutes. But Connor was also the cousin to the King of Ferelden, so had that going for him. They could hardly send Anders. Cole was shaking his head. It wasn’t a serious consideration, but he did look different. They could give him some cool tattoos and a couple of stones in his mouth, so it changed his face. 

“No,” Cole tickled her. It might be fun to mention it to Anders anyway later. 

“Stitches is escorting them both, he cleans up nicely,” fuck was Bull sighing. Bull was bloody sighing, why was Bull sighing. “Boss, do you know how difficult it is to keep you safe? You can’t just throw chairs at rich people, whilst screaming at them, even if you think they deserve it,”

“What if they insulted my family,”

“They didn’t, they just said that you were permanently banned. You could have come back in a different dress and said you were called something else and no one would have never known, instead now everyone there will know you just from the way you pick up a chair…” 

“They deserved it,”

“Sure Boss,” ugh he was so whiny. 

“Look, if I promise to head straight to bed, you can go place nice with the ladies and gents of this fair city,” Because she was rather tired from lifting the chair. She hadn’t had to do that for a very long time.

“No,”

“I’ll go sleep with Anders,” sigh, Anders, he would just sleep and not take advantage of her like a normal person would.

He did just sleep, and she was pinned between him and Cole in the reasonably comfortable bed. Bull was much happier, “Orgy,” that would do it, Cole, that would make anyone happier, which is why Shoptopia was such a fantastic idea. Anders still wasn’t letting her have anything beyond a couple of fingers inside of her. She was missing a proper good tumble it had been at least a week.

There were rumours as well that the Inquisition was on its way, and she wasn’t entirely sure they should be here when they arrived. But they needed Celine to grant an audience. That or Cole sneaks her in, but Cole was busy shaking his head like that was a bad idea. Roderick would manage it, surely.

“Jen, invitation for you,” Connor was awesome, it was like he knew.

“Blah blah blah, Celine, blah blah blah, midday, blah blah blah,” Anders winced at her squeal.

“We’ve done it! We’ve bloody well gone and done it! No more titting about not being allowed access places, now we’ll have the royal seal - and then we will have the blessing of two countries and not just one!”

“Boss, don’t start a war. You have two good companies, but it’s not enough to go to war with Orlais,” Bull didn’t trust her at all.

“It’s almost like he knows you,” Anders prodded her in the ribs again, he had an obsession she was sure of it. If he wanted to prod her, there were far better places to do it that make her far happier.

“Yeah, almost like,” well it was fine, she had her bag, her trusty bag with its Gaspard head in. She’d checked just in case someone had tried to steal it, not that anyone would because what would they do with it? Put it on a pike.

“Do you think I should take a pike, an ornate one, just to like give her one to put it on?” Cole was busy shaking his head.

“Lets not take weapons to a meeting with the Empress of Orlais Boss, that’s on the not things Adaar would approve of,” shit that list was long. How was anyone supposed to keep track when they just kept adding to it like that? She was living in the nanny state, that was the only thing she could think of.

“Whatever. So, on a scale of 1 to fuckable, should I wear the Kaylee dress again?” She had really good feelings about the dress, she’d fucked Gaspard in it, she’d fucked Alistair in it. It was fast becoming her picking up nobility dress.

“It still has blood on it,” Bull was such a whiny bitch.

“It’s not that obvious?” Or she could get Connor and Anders and Ingrid to do magic on it.

“Yes it is, it’s all down the bodice,” maybe it was now she looked properly.

“CONNOR, INGRID, AN-” Cole slapped his hand over her mouth as Bull and Anders stared at her in horror. What?

“Boss!” 

“I need to clean my lucky dress,” 

“Boss!” they just didn’t understand the importance of the lucky dress.

The gag was pretty comfortable though, Anders wouldn’t talk to her. Ingrid did know a good trick for getting blood out quickly, suspiciously quickly considering who she was.

The dress was a little damp, but not too bad, and it’d dry on her as she was escorted to a charming tearoom on the upper level of the square. Very nice and secluded, other than the twenty hidden guards in the buildings surrounding. The Empress wasn’t the one who looked like the Empress, it was all very 007.

“You have caused quite the stir, Jen Her’ ald,” This was the coolest thing that had happened since arriving in Val Royeaux. Other than getting to throw a chair like a tv housewife at old rich biddies. That had been on her bucket list - after the event because she hadn’t realised she’d needed to until she had. Maybe she could find new people to scream and throw a chairs at like that. 

“Your most wonderfulness, thank you for granting me an audience. I have a gift for you,” She couldn’t wait to show it off, the bag was taken by a suspiciously elven looking maid. Briony, Cole nodded. Sweet, maybe she’d be invited back to tumble with both of them - no, Cole was shaking his head… oh, that was right, they were on the outs currently.

Briony let out a small gasp as she opened the bag before handing it over.

“This is real?” Celestine asked very quietly.

“Very real,” she wanted to bounce like a child.

“You have brought me this for what reason?” So suspicious, although maybe bringing the head of her cousin could be seen as an act of aggression. She could almost hear Bull say, “You think Boss,” in the back of her head. She’d have to tell him that later.

“Uh, - yeah no see it as a sign that Jen Her’ald’s Little Shoppe of Odds, Gods and Sods is all for the true Empress of Orlais and stability. Also, he was going to kill me, so I got there first,” or Cole did.

There was silence as the two women stepped away to have a bit of a chat, leaving her surrounded by danger from all sides and a demented looking Cole.

On a scale of 1 to fucked, how dead was she? Maybe she should have listened to Bull, but how was she supposed to know that Celestine would see it as a potential threat. 

“Briala is concerned,” Cole let her know. Fuck. Forget? “Possibly?” He didn’t look convinced by his ability. Well, it’d been a good run, oh shit he was glaring at her again.

Could he catch her if she jumped off the side? “No,” yeah the last time she fell off a height she ended up with an anklet, Anders would whinge chronically about it. No, she was going to think positive thoughts. She was going to fuck the Empress of Orlais, fix that relationship, get a mirror, fuck Carver and go back to screw Alistair into the mattress with two mirrors. She had a plan. She had the worlds - Cole was shaking his head - she had the best plan this high up in Val Royeaux.

Just tell her to believe, why she hadn’t thought of that before was beyond her mainly because they used Cole’s powers for evil and not good. He was glaring at her. Not evil, good they used them for good. Just not so much of the convincing.

It took him a few minutes of whispering in both Briony and Celestine’s ears. And a dead guard who “stumbled” off to their death. “He was going to kill you,” she wasn’t complaining. She had shit she needed to do. Dying was not on the cards.

The look on the old biddies face as she strolled into the Randy Dowager Official Archives, with the Empress of Orlais. HA! Eat dirt, bitch. It was a miracle they didn’t drop down dead of shock and horror.

“Don’t crow,” Cole still wasn’t happy with her. Apparently propositioning Celes - Celine and getting her name wrong was a bit of a faux pas. She wasn’t crowing, she was enjoying every second they were choking on their earlier slights.

“I’m sorry about the whole chair thing, I’m a very passionate woman. You can obviously understand being that we share similar interests,” She could be magnanimous. Cole was looking dubiously at her. 

The archives though were an eye-opener, there were some real gems hidden in the places they were trying to keep her away from. Quite a few Andraste fics with various men and women, well some of those would need to be “tracked” down because Cole was currently refusing to steal them. He kept trying to teach her lessons, but he knew what she was like. 

“It’s too dangerous,” hmm maybe they would associate it with her. They should wait a while and then break-in. 

“We found a Tevine version of this one,” well it looked the same, same cover art, same characters. Gods she was hot, was it hot in here?

“It’s just you,” How would Cole know, he didn’t notice the heat. “Everyone else is wrapped up in heavy clothes,” he was not happy with her. But he was also forgetting old people wear seventeen layers even on the hottest day of the year because they are old.

“Briala will see you tonight,” Celine had made her excuses, having had a quiet word with the harridan with the keys. 

“It was an utter pleasure, and please feel free to keep the bag,” because she wasn’t sure if even Ingrid’s spell would get all the blood out.

They were followed around by a slightly younger old bag, who tutted every time she picked up a volume from the shelves. For people who read trash, they really didn’t like her. 

“Be careful with that,”

“I am, have you thought about expanding the archives?” Why were they so interested in Varric’s shit, it was so weak. Especially when compared to the works of Alberto Ernesto Frederico. The best name ever. He could write smut, she was dripping just reading the back. She’d not yet managed to get a decent high from the dross of Tethras.

“We have the largest and most desired selection of works in all of Thedas,” She’d give them that, Shoptopia had 10 bookcases full of the stuff, and would have to triple it to even dream of overtaking these Archives. 

“Have you got anything from Tevinter?” She looked absolutely aghast.

“We do have standards,” Hardly, “We have worked tirelessly to attain a name that all can respect,” that was her told.

“So no Qunari stuff then,” the old bag looked appalled—their loss. The Qunari shit was hot. 

“Well, if you were interested, we have some contacts now, and any duplicates always happy to share with fellow avid collectors,” look at that her offering a hand of peace. Cole wasn’t buying it.

“We hardly need anything from the likes of you,” Well, she was told yet again. She’d tried, and now when they became the laughing stock, it wouldn’t be her fault. Much.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Next chapter involves some very poor French.
> 
> Oh also thanks for continuing reading after the Gaspard scene <3


	23. Briala

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Cole has a rummage through a palace, and Briala serves some lemony wine.

“Explain to me again what happened?” Bull was scratching his horns so much that she thought he was going to scratch them right off his skull.

“All I said was, vu les vu coochez avex moi, say soir Celine,” Anders was busy packing his bags behind them.

“Right, and do you know what that means?” 

“I mean I can sing it to you, it’s from a song about old new orlais, and strutting your stuff on the beach, and I said - hey Joe, wanna give it a gooo ooooh, vu les vu coochez avex moi, say soir, vu les vu coochez avex moi,” 

“It doesn’t,” Cole loved to correct her lyrics. She was pretty sure those were the lyrics. “They aren’t,”

“Well you sing them then,” If he was going to be fussy about it, he could pay the piper.

“Can we focus Boss on whether we need to leave now before you end up hanging in the square,” Bull had moved to stop Anders from leaving.

“She’s crazy, I’m heading to Denerim,” Anders ducked around him.

“Celene was amused, tell them, Cole,” they overreacted all the time.

“Cole?” 

“Briala warned Celene not to accept any propositions from her,” because Briony was still hung up on being queen piece of ass. “Alistair was advised the same,” that was true, Zevvy and Howe were total buzzkills.

“Do we need to be worried?” It was like she wasn’t even in the room any more the way they just spoke directly to Cole.

“Briala has tried to kill her a couple of times already, she sees Jen as a threat.” Cole was hovering behind her, which made her a little wary, as Cole sometimes didn’t tell her everything.

“Serious threats?” Bull at least understood that most of the time, most attempts to murder her weren’t a real threat.

“Not yet? She will react badly to the question Jen wants to ask,” well tough, she was going to ask her for mirrors, and she could just deal with it.

“Don’t ask the question, Jen, whatever it is,” Bull was such a girls blouse. “Jen, we can’t save you if you ask the question, you are going in alone again.” The tone implied they thought this was a horrid idea, it was perhaps a little unwise, if she feared death, which she didn’t.

Briony had agreed to meet her for a chat. She was going to ask about the mirrors as soon as she handed over the necklace. Knowing where shit was kept was the best, especially when Cole was able to go steal them. Cole was busy brushing her hair.

“Do you think they will notice if we steal anything from the palace?” Bull turned pale. Ha she’d tricked him. Of course they wouldn’t steal anything, or not and remove it, moving shit was different. The locket would fix a relationship, reset the balance of power and give her a boost in rep with Briony.

“Briala,” yes she knew the name, it’s just Briony was better, as was Celestine. “But you need to remember her right name,” Cole was being fairly insistent about it.

“Boss, we’ll just send word that you’re ill,” Bull was busy silently communicating with Anders at the same time. She apparently wasn’t in the room any more. 

“Briala will think the poison worked if she doesn’t go,” Cole piped up behind her.

“What poison?” She hadn’t remembered any poison, but then he often stopped things from happening, because he was wonderful like that.

“Bull, when’s the boat arriving?” Anders had finished packing, drama queen.

“Ingrid and Connor are still going to a party tomorrow night, we can’t leave before then. We also have a cool square party to go to in the morning, did you miss the announcement?” Roderick had been buzzing about it, and she kind of wanted to be there to see what happened.

“No,” Cole, Bull and Anders all replied.

“What? I’m not saying we all go. Ingrid definitely isn’t because can you imagine what would happen? Ingrid and Evelyn in the same place, never mind the angry mob, you’ll have an exploding Ingrid,” they would have to do something about - oh shit.

“What?” Bull narrowed his gaze. Was she really that obvious with her facial expressions.

“Nothing,” Cole, Ingrid was going to the party at the same time as Evelyn. That was going to be an absolute blast. Literally. Maybe they should send some flame retardant clothes for people.

“That’s not a nothing face, that’s a shits about to get real face. You pull it every time somethings going to happen,” surely she should have pulled it about the square thing.

“You looked gleeful,” Cole hummed behind her. Oh, it wasn’t that she was happy about the Inquisition turning up and having a shouting match - or maybe she was. They should do something about little old ladies being hit in the face. “You threw a chair at one,” Cole liked to point out inconvenient truths at times. That woman had not been a little old lady, she was a bag.

“Boss?” Bull had moved to stand directly in front of her.

“Right, so I have this feeling,” he made a disbelieving noise. “Where something awful is going to happen at the party tomorrow night, but not for us.” Maybe for Connor, who had the joy of being an escort.

“Awful the way there’s now demons everywhere?” 

“Uh,” Well, Ingrid might turn into an abomination when faced with her sister. That might be a possibility, though she didn’t think many spirits would want to be saddled with whining for the rest of their corporeal lives. “Hey Anders, ask Justice if he would choose to be saddled with Ingrid?” 

“What?” Anders squawked.

“Well, like if I was a spirit of any type, and I had the opportunity of hopping into a body. I think I would take one look at Ingrid and think twice,” Cole tugged on her hair, it was probably just a particularly tricky knot to get out. 

“Is Connor going to be at risk?” Was that a serious question? If anyone in the whole damned world was safe from possession, other than Ingrid of course, it would be Connor. 

“Be serious, Connor’s so far from that now it’s unreal. Unless you don’t think people can learn from past mistakes, Bull?” Ouch, Cole had pulled on her hair again. It hadn’t been that tangled.

“Be nice,” he chided. She would be if he put her hair in a bun instead of plaiting it, because she liked it in buns and everyone now thought she was a bloody milkmaid from Sweden with the braids.

“Do we need to send our apologies to get them out of it?” Bull was looking grave.

“Ugh, no? But might want to invest in earplugs because Ingrid’s going to be bitching for the next year about it all. That I can guarantee,” it was the reason why they’d not mentioned Roderick’s fantastic news. He had caught the first boat out back to Haven. Was it wrong to admire him as much as she did?

Oooh, there was one more issue. If Sera sent the message as a fixed point, and the party was tomorrow night. The Inquisition couldn’t recruit both, so would that leave Sera in trouble? 

“Hey, do you fancy going out to play tomorrow night?” Anders was unrecognisable, which meant he could risk going out with them. “Not to go to the party, but to go cause havoc and steal from another rich idiot?” 

“No,” Bull didn’t even hear her amazing plan out. Either they could pick up the note and follow it through, or Cole could steal it when the Inquisition invariably ignored it. Either way, Sera was coming back to Shoptopia to meet Dagna and make sweet, sweet chaos together, like they were destined to.

“I’m the greatest matchmaker,” she couldn’t help but rub her hands together. They all thought this just happened by chance, they didn’t understand how much work and effort she put in. “We put in,” Cole did help, in fact maybe Cole was more important in these matters than she was. He hugged her. 

“I don’t want to know,” Bull took the pack from Anders and emptied it back into a drawer. “Boss, can you not get yourself killed. Not until you write all the shit down you need to.”

“It already is. Cole knows the shit that isn’t, don’t worry so much,” he was such a worrywart.

“You won’t find it,” Cole said quietly, with Bull shrugging. They all knew what he was now, of course he would look. But he didn’t know what they knew, which was literally everything, including the song lyrics.

“You missed out lots of lyrics, and it doesn’t go like that,”

“I think you’ll find it does, in fact I’ll get Maryden to sing them when we get back to Shoptopia, and see who’s right then.” He tweaked her plait, tying it up with a giant spotty bow. She loved that bow.

“Sometimes I don’t know who’s worse,” Anders the wind machine sighed.

“I am obviously,” Anders was silly sometimes.

The palace was pretty snazzy, and whilst she was busy being grilled and offered lemony wine, Cole was busy exploring the spaces she’d described.

“So Briala, I know that you are thinking, who is this stunning specimen who has managed to do what lots of people have failed to do? Well, let me tell you a bit about myself. I am, as you already know Jen Her’ald, of Jen Her’ald’s Little Shoppe - note the e - of Odds, Gods and Sods. A purveyor of the most exclusive and highest quality sexual items and manuals in all of the known world. 

“Now I know what you are now thinking, what about the Randy Dowager? Well, as we all know, they are not very discerning. They have their favourites and ignore vast chunks of the market. Where is for example all of the Qunari/Tevinter works? I know I have a passion for horns. Oh - if you have an interest I do enjoy a bit of High Dragon killing too. I’ve killed two pretty much by myself so far.

“Now, I shall let you into a little secret, one my CEO - who used to be the Steward, but she deserved the pay rise - doesn’t know. I’m going to kill my third high dragon shortly. If you are interested in any Dragon memorabilia, let me know. Ali, who is a brilliant lover, got the last dragon or most of it. The head was a bit mushed up. The first dragon I still have the head from, but unless you or Celene - is it ok to call her that? Anyway if you want the next dragon head - if it’s not too mushed up, you can have it, as a friendly gift from me to you,” Briala was just letting her speak.

“Anyway, so what else do you need to know? Oh yes I am sleeping with the King of Ferelden. I just want to take this moment to say he is very, very good in bed. If you are ever interested, I’m pretty sure we can hook you or Celene up. Oh, also, do you think that Celene would sign a bit of paper saying that she has no claim to some land she actually doesn’t?” Hmm her spidey senses were tingling.

Was it that Briala was jealous over the men Celene slept with? Was it the request for another signature to cement Shoptopia as it’s own nation-state? Or was it just that Briala found her utterly annoying. It could be all of it. Find out next week on the exciting tales of Jen Her’ald’s Little Shoppe of Odds, Gods and Sods.

“Will you not drink?” Briala filled the glass up again, perhaps if it had been white and tasted of lemons, she could possibly understand. Red shouldn’t taste that much of citrus, and she wasn’t even a winetaster expert.

“I think it’s a little off. You could probably use it to pickle stuff, like onions. Oh, I haven’t had a pickled onion in years, not since I was a child. I didn’t used to like them, too sharp and crunchy, but now my tastes have changed. I don’t think pickled eggs are appealing though, which is odd really because I would put vinegar on fried eggs, or not on them, but near them which is the same thing,” She hadn’t missed food until this moment. Cole needed to hurry up before she started crying like a child.

“What do you want?” Briala sat back, observing her. The spidey sense was on full blast.

“Well, a signature would be great, but the main thing I achieved. Do you have any idea how annoying they were with their“No you can’t come in,” just because I have a vision and they are stuck in the past. The future is in the children and whatever, not in old rich biddies who promote stupid men who woo them,” she could feel herself working up into a rant.

“You will return tomorrow morning for the signature,” Briala was dismissing her. Bugger, she needed to keep her talking until Cole got back. Where was he? She’d given him a perfect idea where it was held. Up the balcony in through the window mess about with some statues and then down the steps. Or was it somewhere else, shit maybe she had given him the wrong directions. Was it actually in the other part, through the kitchens and out round and up. Bugger it might be.

“Uh, so don’t kill me?” She had to take a gamble, yes Cole said Briala would probably kill her for asking, but she also needed to not be dismissed until Cole was back. “The mirrors, the eluvian network you have, if I could get you back in with Celene can I have two?” She was so dead. It was a wonder that the knife wasn’t already at her throat.

“You must be mistaken,” Briala didn’t even blink. Welp she was dead as soon as she left the palace, that would be it, Briala would wait until she’d left and then kill her.

“Uh, yeah, no, you must have a few, and I just need two,” she was going for broke, because Cole still wasn’t back and Briala had started to stand to escort her out to a very certain death.

“Felassan?” She gambled, and Briala stilled. COLE COLE COLE COLE! “Look, now that Gaspard’s mort, Celene has a lot more power right? I promise I can get you back with her in the space of just an hour, I promise. All I want is two of the mirrors, that’s it. Just two of the mirrors, I won’t say a word.” COLE COLE COLE

“You are mistaken,” Briala seemed brittle.

COLE!!!!!!

“And if I’m not?” Well, it’d been an excellent run.

“You are mistaken,” Briala repeated. 

“The fire,” all the chips on the table, she knew that Briala hadn’t arranged it but had been something important, something that could be used against her, why the fuck did she never pay attention to anything important.

“Who are you?” There was the soft snickt of a blade being drawn. 

“Jen Her’ald of Jen Her’alds Little Shoppe of Odds, Gods and Sods,” she wasn’t daft enough to hold her hand out.

“Where have you come from and who sent you?” The room was very dark all of a sudden.

“Between Orlais and Ferelden there is a slice of the Frostbacks that doesn’t belong to either. That’s where I am based, why I want Celene to sign a piece of parchment agreeing that it isn’t part of Orlais,” COLE.

“Who do you work with?” Briala wasn’t even pretending to hide the weapon now, it was most definitely in her hand. It looked pretty much like a throwing blade. She didn’t have a chance.

“It’s my company, business even. I have my own crew, I don’t work for anyone, but I do work with people. Good people, we are building up an empire based on sex paraphernalia.”

“And what does a Madame want with so-called Eluvians,” 

“I’m sleeping with Alistair, who is based in Denerim. It’s a long way for a booty call,” Briala stared at her, as if trying to work out if she was lying. The last thing she would do in this situation would be to lie.

“You are risking your life because of that?” COLE, for all that is sacred COLE!

“Yes, because when you find someone you -” she wasn’t going to lie, but she wasn’t ready to say it to anyone either.

“Yes?” Briala was like a cat in front of a fat stupid mouse, and she was that fat stupid mouse.

“I didn’t plan on saying this to anyone but him, but when you find someone that you love, then you will do almost anything to make it work,” she was going to need to throw some chairs at stupid people if she made it out alive. This was the closest she’d gotten to being real in years. It was uncomfortable and felt wrong.

“You love him?” Briala stepped away, not that it made her feel any safer, it was most definitely a throwing blade. 

“Yes, I love him enough that I gifted him a whole high dragon,” she’d arranged to have his ghosts laid to rest, she’d gifted him a mother, and lots of cheese. The first person who had heard her say it aloud was bloody Briala, and now she was pissed about it.

“Why should I let you live?” Briala was taunting her now, and Cole was nowhere to be seen.

“What threat am I to you?” 

“You know a lot for a simple Madame. I would be foolish to let you leave alive.” Well whatever Briala, she wanted to kill her, then have at it. 

“You’ll never reconnect with Celene, and then where will you be? What happens when Celene finds a new lover, who will find having her old one still about an inconvenience? It will be so long, farewell Briala, auf weidersehen goodbye. Who else knows about the fire? About your part in all of it? How well-received will you be, cast out from Celene’s side, hated by your own people.” Cole placed a hand on her neck, and the weight of a necklace in her pocket. He was back, if she was to die, he at least would be here for it.

“You say you can reconnect us?” Briala had put away the blade, but Cole wasn’t standing in front of her either. 

“Catch,” she took a risk and threw the locket at Briala who caught it with a frown.

“Where - how did you get this?” 

“Celene had it hidden away, I have a connection who found it. The fact she kept it would make a normal person assume she still has feelings. Feelings you can exploit and return to being the chief love interest.” Cole moved to stand next to Briala, peering at her intently.

“She is willing to wait to see if you manage it,” Cole was frowning. “You asked her about them.” Yes she had, because it was the only way to get her to keep on talking so he could get the locket. And she wasn’t dead. “Only because she needed to know how big the risk was, you promised.” 

Later, shout at her then. She would accept being yelled at after they had left the dangerous spy woman. Cole clearly wasn’t happy with her.

“Gaspard will need his mask,” Briala spoke. Wait what? “If you can bring it with you in the morning, it was missing from his belongings.” Briala had clearly made her decision, and had turned her back to them - well only her. Briala had no idea Cole was there.

“Of course, sorry I must have forgotten to put it with the rest of the things.”

“You will talk to no one about what you brought the Empress,” Briala was leaving the room.

She was more confused than ever. The locket was on the table in front of where Briala had been standing. Right, Briala was going to test her abilities. Maybe then she would release the mirrors. Or… best not think about them just yet, as Cole was still frowning. Sorry?


	24. Immunity

“I hate to say she’s right, because she’s crazy but.” Bull was totally backing her up because Cole was busy trying to soothe over Connor who had worked himself up over escorting Ingrid.

“No, this is insane. I told you, I’m going back to Denerim,” Anders was all but pointing at them now.

“Safest place for you would be with the Boss,” Bull didn’t look overly convinced, but she was. It was the best idea ever.

“Look right, the place is going to be crawling with Templars, which is just dangerous for you. But see, best idea is to be where they won’t be, because I’m not allowed to be around templars either. Where could be safer than with Empress Celene?” she happily explained to him. 

“The Wardens are far saner,” Anders had his bitch face on.

“Yeah, cos voluntarily hunting down darkspawn is sane,” she snorted.

“Hey Boss, weren’t you just telling us about your first date with the King starting off killing darkspawn?” Bull was flipping and flopping about like a salmon, she thought he was on her side. 

“Yeah no, I distinctly remember that killing a high dragon was. The darkspawn was a precursor to the first time we bumped uglies though, so almost, it was great. Did I tell you about how he ripped my panties off and did me right in the windmill,” sigh.

“Please shut up,” wind machine Anders strikes again.

“Adaar said no dragons,” Bull was still whipped.

“Adaar said no to all sorts, she isn’t here. It’s on the way home, it’ll be fine. You want to kill dragons, it’s why you signed up in the first place,” she crowed. Bull narrowed his eyes at her.

“You knew,” well duh. “Krem warned me, he said it was too good to be true.” 

“Jen, maybe don’t grin like that,” Anders said, having slumped over the table. Ha, he admitted defeat too.

“Alright, so Cole will be coming too in case he needs to convince people - but Bull I need you to do me a solid,” she asked quickly. Cos, he wouldn’t question it if she asked quickly.

“No,” fucking dull.

“You don’t even know what it is, I’d do it myself, but obviously I can’t ignore the Empress demands, or whatever,” well, they needed to hand over Gaspard’s mask which she’d been hoping to keep hold of. “Oh - can we get me a cool mask?”

“If it’s that then yes, that’s doable. If it’s steal messages from the Chantry again, not without Cole.” Bull failed at resisting her requests. Ha, he totally was down for it.

“What about if the Chantry ignore the message?” The pair of them were now giving her a suspicious look. She was only guessing, but from everything Ingrid had ranted about, if Sera did invite the Herald to join her that night, well the big Madame De Iron party was also tonight. She’d lay odds on that the Herald attended that.

“Jen…”

“Anders…” She hated it when they used her brand name like that.

“Just tell him,” Anders was trying to guilt her.

“Ugh, alright so if someone tries to leave the Chantry a message and they ignore it, all you need to do is grab it. Follow it through, and then we go on a trip tonight while the two love birds go dance the night away at yon fancy party,” she explained, because they weren’t just blindly agreeing without some explanation apparently. Anders choked.

“Boss, Cole’s been working with Connor for a while, please don’t say that in earshot,” Bull was scrubbing at his chin, which if she remembered rightly was a good thing. Horns meant he was despairing, jaw was good sex.

“Oh right, so we have a little bit of time, Bull wanna help me with some stretches cos Cole’s tied up?” Hopefully he’d bite, and Anders would be too distracted worrying about Templars and Empress’s and maybe bumping into Varric and co to notice.

“Sure Boss,” Did he wink at her? Or was that him blinking.

“Hey, Bull, how do I know when it’s a wink?” 

“Do you ever think before opening your mouth?” Wind machine groused.

“Uh yes, otherwise I would have said, hey Bull, don’t leave any bruises this time cos mother hen over here will go ape shit.” Shit, she probably shouldn’t have said that.

“No sex Jen,” Anders had heard her. Bastard.

“That’s not what we were going to do,” she could brazen this out.

“Yeah, we weren’t,” Bull wasn’t supposed to say that. “We don’t have that much time, Boss.” 

“I just reminded you about my first time with Ali, how he ripped them off and took me against the wall of the windmill, work with me Bull.”

“I can guarantee it’ll leave bruises,” Bull grinned, the bastard.

“Anders can heal them, right?”

“Anders will do no such thing, no sex with Bull. We’ll get you to that point, but not yet. Stretching though, isn’t a bad idea, you should try dancing.” He was such a slave driver. 

In fairness to Bull, he did join in doing the teapot dance, which made her feel a little better. After he said, she sounded like a teapot huffing and puffing away. 

“Do you know the song Puff the Magic Dragon?” She was fairly sure she knew some of the words. The Puff, the Magic Dragon, lives by the sea something something summer lea. Maybe she should get Maryden to write it, and blame her for the crap lyrics.

“No,” he didn’t look too interested, either. “Don’t jump, just turn,” Anders had been a bitch about that, and now Bull was on the bandwagon.

“Look, if it hasn’t fallen off while walking about, I hardly think jumping is going to do it.” Really, it was pretty attached, what did they think was going to happen? She’d jump, and her foot would fall off. That was just stupid, and the Macarena needed a jump to change direction, not a shuffle.

“Oh, can you dance? Like ballroom dance?” she asked, because this was vital information to know. If Bull could then he could twirl her around the dance floor, well the square and wow the locals.

“Don’t jump, please?” He’d so lost, but she didn’t leap into the air. Partly because it was a little tender, not because she thought she’d shake it off.

Shake it off, she could totally - no, Anders would freak. He was so on edge, who knew being in the middle of Val Royeaux surrounded by Templars would put him on edge.

She did feel better at the end of it, though, she was a bit warmer, and her body felt all loosey-goosey. She had just enough time to wash and change into something that wasn’t her pulling dress.

“Don’t start any wars,” Bull warned her. He was such a drama queen. She needed Cole with her and Anders, but she also needed Cole to make sure they got Sera. Sera was definitely on the list.

“Yeah yeah,” Anders coughed. “I mean, of course I won’t Bull,” 

They were escorted back to the where she’d met Celene the day before. Anders was very much a shifty-looking man, and if she’d been looking for dangerous people, she’d have gone straight for him. Cole, tell him to relax.

It didn’t help. Instead, Anders was now glaring at her.

“Bonjour Empress Celene, Briala, ca va?” She was totally going to wow them with her French.

Cole was giggling behind her, which was only a good thing. She was pretty sure the stares were in complete amazement at the fact she’d spoken French at them, almost all of the French she knew.

“Je suis comme ci comme ca,” followed by a big beaming smile with no teeth showing in case they thought she was trying to show dominance. Which would be the worlds stupidest thing to do. 

“Did you bring the item?” Briala didn’t even bother to deal with niceties. She all but snatched the bag from her. They’d decided that probably Celene and Briala wouldn’t approve of wandering around with Gaspards face on display.

Cole, where was she going? He didn’t look overly concerned, too busy chattering at Anders keeping him calm because he looked like he was going to throw up.

They still needed to convince Celene about Briala, Cole could do it?

“Anders needs me, you can do it,” he gave her an encouraging look. But he did the hard stuff, and she stood around looking pretty. He wasn’t falling for her puppy dog eyes.

“So… it’s a nice day today.” She had no idea how to convince Celene that Briala was a valid lay again.

Celene was busy watching the crowds below. The mask hid her expressions, was she frowning, was she pleased? 

“Briala’s interesting.” Anders choked behind her. It did make Celene look up, though, which was positive.

“So… Is she like single?” Anders looked like he was about to expire on the spot. “Because while I do like men, I like women too, if you know what I mean. Of course you do, because we had a little moment yesterday. Which - if you are interested, I am.” Cole was giving her a thumbs up, which Anders was doing his best not to stare at. 

“Briala seemed to have a thing for you though, talking to her last night.” She couldn’t remember how it had gone for the Inq, when they’d tried convincing Celene at the big ball, but then this was so far from that situation. “Uh, yeah, also we found this where she’d been standing.” The locket was - Cole handed it to her, thanks Cole.

Celene took it with a frown. Cole? He was nodding, they’d laid the groundwork. Whoop she was the best.

“Well, that went a lot easier than I thought it would,” she cooed at Cole. Anders was still giving her daggers. Anders was never happy. Try as she might, she includes him, and he complains. She doesn’t include Anders, and he moans. “Cole, do you think next time she’ll accept the proposition?”

“Maybe?” Cole gave her a positive smile. She was choosing to assume this wasn’t one of the times he was lying to make her feel better. 

“You have the all-important signature,” Anders was really sulking. 

“Yes, in fact, two, she signed the immunity one for a certain worlds most wanted mage. She even cast her eye over it, granted Cole helped her like with the whole acceptance part. Officially you are now no longer persona non grata in Orlais. High five me!” He did not high five her. Cole did, though.

“I’ll just wave it about when people want my head on a pike shall I?” Anders was such a drama queen.

“It means that when eventually people cotton on to the fact that we are housing you, not only does Orlais know, but they approve. You need to think positive thoughts. It’s all ammo in our belt to fuck over the establishment. You should be happy!” He really didn’t look happy. Maybe the dye had affected his mood.

“It won’t matter,”

“Just think you won’t be the most wanted mage any more,” Cole was making hushing noises. “I meant, because everyone wants the Herald to close those pesky rifts, you are like the second or even third most wanted,” Was Corypoo a mage? “Is Cory a mage, Cole?” she couldn’t remember. He had the orb, but did that make him a mage.

“He was a Magister,” Cole was making hmm noises.

“So, no?” Magister’s weren’t Mages or were they, fuck maybe they were. “So, yes?” Anders was busy muttering to himself, trying to pack his bags again.

“Anyway Anders, you’ll be the fourth most wanted Mage, or maybe not even in the top five by the time we get to the end of like the next year.” Hells yeah, because there would be Solas, Evelyn, Cory, the Tevinter Mage who convinced the Orlesian wardens to try demon summoning and then well the Inq wanted Hawke more than they wanted Anders. Oh and then there was Viv and Morrigan. Anders would be more than fine. 

“Oh and don’t forget you have the Wardens to back you, and Ali, he likes you too. You’ll be more than fine. But if it makes you feel better, when we get back to Shoptopia, we can make you an official citizen, and anyone who attacks you attacks us.” He was giving her a disbelieving look. What? It was the best plan ever.

“I should say yes, it would teach you a lesson.” He settled back onto the stuffed seat. “Adaar will kill you when she hears about this,” 

“Adaar loves it. Just think Adaar could have been working for the Inquisition doing boring things. Now she gets to be a big shouty CEO, dealing with problems of a brand new nation and dealing with the trials and tribulations of innovation and brand recognition.” She had no idea where she was going with this, but the more buzz words, the better.

“He thinks you are making things up again,” Anders was now rolling his eyes. He was such a wind machine.

“We went without you,” Bull settled next to the door. He, however, had recruited Sera, so she couldn’t be too mad at Bull. She was a little angry, because she wanted to be there but apparently no one trusted her.

“And?” Was he really just going to leave it at that?

“And she’s joining up. You were right,” Bull gave her a narrow look. It was his spy look. “They didn’t even notice it, too keen to chat with the courier. Looked suspiciously like the courier who brought round the invitation to us, Boss.” 

“Oh, that’s interesting.” It wasn’t, but he clearly expected her to say something.

“We followed it up, had a bit of a fight, met Sera. She’s uh, well she’ll fit right in.” She knew she would, Sera’s future Mrs Sera was back at Shoptopia, both of them.

“She coming with us?” Was it wise to have Sera travel with them, or to get her loved up back at Shoptopia before she was introduced to Cole. Decisions decisions.

“She’s coming with, we’ve mentioned the whole… Cole thing.” Shit. “Mentioned that he’s a bit strange, not the whole truth, not yet.” Well that was ok then. Sera probably wouldn’t betray them. Hmm where were the bees, they could get them on the way through if they were on route. Add it to the list Cole. Cole? He wasn’t listening. She’d try and remember.

“Oh, before I forget. Gaspard isn’t dead,” Bull gave her a look. “I mean, before you tell the Qun people, he’s not dead,” She really hoped he hadn’t told anyone. 

“He hasn’t,” Cole gave her a thumbs up. Why hadn’t he been listening to the memo thing then. “They don’t want me to do that any more, they think I just enable you,” Enable was not a term from this world. He looked vaguely guilty. She’d never seen him look like that before.

“Cole needs to take notes for me!” She decided to point at Bull, because Anders had left the room. To wash or some rubbish.

“Tell Adaar, latest message through is that Cole just encourages your crazier ideas.” Cole was all but cringing now. Well, she wasn’t having any of it.

“Bull, I hired you, I hired Adaar. You are both my bitches until your contracts are up or I do something heinous that causes it to be broken. Cole is fine, no one is bullying him because of our relationship. No one. You don’t like it? Tough. It is what it is.” Cole beamed at her. “I think that I’ve been too nice,” not to other people mind, because she was pretty sure throwing chairs at people wasn’t considered nice. 

“You could have asked me to kill her?” Cole had moved to stand, holding her hand as he should be all the time. They’d only stopped because Anders had mentioned it might be why her spine was out. Which was such bull shit. Her spine was slightly out for other reasons, if anything, it would be Cole who would be experiencing the issues, not her.

“Cole can do whatever he wants, without being shamed by his employees, because technically as a major shareholder, he is higher up the pecking order.” That was right, yes? He had a big chunk of shares, if not she’d share hers with him.

“Uh, what do we tell Adaar?” Bull was such a massive wimp.

“Nothing, I’ll tell her when we get back. The dragon thing is happening, though. As is any detours I so choose, possibly even going to the Obsession Oasis.” 

“Forbidden,” Cole was much better at remembering than she was.

“Is this out of spite?” Bull had the cheek, he was right, but still.

“Maybe, but see, it doesn’t matter because I get to call the shots, because I’m the big bad bitch who owns your ass, and there is nothing you can do about it. Currently anyway.” Cole was all but quivering with happiness. How long had they been grinding him down, the bastards. What had she told him? He was not to let the bastards get him down that included theirs.

“They were worried,” So They were all big people, they could pull on their big people panties and suck it in, like every other fucker out there.

“Boss,” Bull didn’t look too upset.

“He’s not,” Cole answered. Bull looked a little put out then.

“Not that you weren’t you, but you were a little less you,” Bull said carefully. Not her problem. She’d been ill, like almost properly dying - sorry Cole, but it took it out of a girl. As did all the emotional turmoil. And the whole being with people all the time.

“Well, from now on, my word is like the law or whatever. Other than when I say something really stupid,” 

“She wanted to steal Celine’s mask earlier,” Cole dobbed her in. Yeah, that had been a little daft, but think of the sex games she could play.

“Yeah, that’s pretty stupid Boss.”

“Cole wouldn’t, and I don’t have the dexterity to do it, ya know. I mean I could learn, as I am a sneaky rogue,” she was choosing to believe that look was Bull agreeing with her. No Cole, nod, not shake head. 

“Yeah, very sneaky Boss, very sneaky.” 

“Alright anyway, I think we are pretty much done. We roll out on the morrow, uh yeah also, got a couple of things that will need to be heavily guarded.” Briala had promised to have them waiting at the docks. 

“On it Boss,” 

“And you will shag me, if you want to that is, like I’m not ordering you to, that’s wrong.” He was giving that excellent leer of his.

“Yeah, not until Anders says yes. He was pretty mad about the whole Gaspard thing,” bastard. Anders was out to ruin her fun at every opportunity.

“He’s just trying to make you better by the time you see Alistair,” Cole was stroking her hair. 

“Still, I mean what if I’m on top?” She tried waggling her eyebrows at Bull.

“Wasn’t that the problem with Gaspard,” how the fuck did he know - ohhh Cole. Shit, blasted Anders abusing Cole to give up her secrets.

“You told him,” Oh yeah she had. She’d been really proud of the Gaspard encounter.

“I can’t not sleep with someone while we’re in Val Royeaux, it’s like not done,” Bull totally had slept with people. Her sex drive was as big as his, she’d fucking built her empire around it.

“You need to talk to Anders about it, Boss.” Fucking wuss, absolute fucking wuss.


	25. Cards

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> A lesson in card games.

_Dear Sexiest Man Alive,_

_Bull thinks that I can’t call you that, as I haven’t seen every man alive, so it’s false, but to be honest I think he’s just jealous. I mean he’s manly and shit, but he isn’t sexy like you. That’s not just because he still won’t sleep with me, because that would be wrong of me to judge like that. I’m not writing though Dear Sexiest Man Alive (In my opinion from my limited meeting of men) because that’s way too wordy._

_So, not dead - oh also neither is Gaspard. False alarm - will tell you about it later. I was mistaken. Or something, but also Gaspard is now being nice to the Empress so that should all die down soon. Yay!_

_Uh sorry about the change of ink, I may have thrown the first lot at Ingrid. Apparently she did bump into her sister in Val Roy, and Connor poor love had to deal with the fallout. Stitches was supposed to be helping, but he was involved in healing up a couple of the bystanders. Anyway, The Herald is now all anti-Shoptopia because Ingrid followed someones prior example in dealing with people they don’t like, and threw a chair at her. Except for she used magic, whilst the herald wasn’t looking. The poor sods next to her were lucky not to be killed from smashing planks of wood, according to Connor, who looked mortified._

_Oh, Cassandra Pentagram isn’t very happy either. Apparently she wanted us to apologise. Fuck that, it’s a family issue right. You don’t get involved in peoples family fights. Also, Ingrid isn’t my employee, so I don’t have to._

_Anyway, Ingrid’s been complaining for ages, like literally days about it. Might want to get the Inq to sort out all the rifts in Ferelden quick, before they work out that we’re banging. Having sex, snoo snoo. I did make a small contribution though, I had Anders speak to Varric before we left town. So now Varric is aware that if he wants upgrades to his weapon, he only has to pay double what they are worth instead of four times. That’s a whole 50% reduction - I can’t believe the sacrifices I’m making._

_No sex in Val Roy. We have got a new member of the Jen Her’ald Little Shoppe (note the e) of Odds, Gods and Sods. Have you heard of the Red Jennies? I mean don’t worry - they aren’t women who are covered in blood. Anyway we recruited them, as a way of helping out the little people because the little people know where shit is._

_Cole reminded me where the shards are for too, which is good. Forbidden Oasis in Orlais - and Celene has signed a piece of paper saying Shoptopia is mine. And we have the other thing - we do have an issue with them, will talk more in person. But yeah, baby! I mean we still need to have a chat in Kirkwall about that one._

_I have a theory though, but it’s like - I want to say I can iron out the deets before I arrive in Den, but they won’t let me detour to see the A.E. Apparently it’s the wrong way._

_So, a quick hop over to Kirkwall, then we need to go to some town somewhere, and then to Den to see you. Like three weeks probably? Maybe sooner, depending on how it goes at the random town. That’s Cole, though not me, so don’t blame me._

_I miss you. Hoping to sleep with Carver, and a few others, but Carver is like high up on the list. He was second choice to you, so that’s how high._

_Lots of like,_

_Jen xoxoxoxoxoxoxox_

_Please find attached some stinky cheese that is wrapped up in a stink-proof bag. And other things wink wink. xoxo_

Anders was looking much happier, which was odd. Cos they were heading back to Kirkwall, the place of his comeuppance or whatever. Or it could have been how he’d hooked up with one of the crew on the boat Adaar had hired.

Sera seemed to like buzzing around Ingrid, she wasn’t sure why. 

“Because Ingrid threw a chair at a posh party,” Cole was humming as he was painfully braiding her hair again, she could have cried when he’d spotted a new style on one of their fellow passengers. 

“I refuse to escort her again,” Connor was trying to teach her how to actually play some of the card games she’d won before the whole big reveal. Apparently now they could hear Cole tell her what cards they had, it’d destroyed her cred. “Stop trying to look at my cards.” 

“I can’t help it, you keep flashing them,” in the reflection of someone’s shield Cole had helpfully placed for her. Connor hadn’t caught on yet, but it was only a matter of time before someone informed him. Probably a Charger, because they liked Connor. She liked Connor, but she also liked winning.

“If you stopped peering at them, he’d stop pulling your hair as much,” Connor was mean. Also, that was a lie.

“You do keep moving your head a lot,” Cole!

“It’s true, I can tell every time you try and cheat, because you then wince as you tug your hair. If you just kept still then it wouldn’t hurt as much,” or if Cole wasn’t trying to recreate the monstrosity.

“You thought it looked nice,” he kissed her on the cheek. As if that was going to make it hurt any less. 

“It did, on her, but I can’t see it on me can I, and it hurts.”

“So Cole, what did you think about the hair salon idea?” Connor picked her cards up and rearranged them for her, surely the whole point - oh they did make more sense in that order. Wait wasn’t that cheating?

“What hair salon idea?” She was going to ignore Connor had looked at her cards. She was going to teach them poker.

“You don’t know how to play,” Cole was such a tattletale. She could make up the rules for poker and teach them that. 

“Well, Cole needs to do something in Shoptopia, when he’s not keeping an eye on you that is,” What was Connor getting at - seriously was the Captain aiming the boat at rocks or something? It was bad enough that every single strand of hair was being pulled, never mind when the Captain was making the boat slam.

“Cole’s not bored,” also, “Also he’s a boss, so he doesn’t need to work,”

She was hugged tightly, which would have been even better if he’d released her hair and it hadn’t pulled her head right back so that her throat was on display to be nicely sliced. Oooh, maybe that could go on the Alistair list, she sort of liked a bit of hair play now and again. Cole, please make a note.

“Sorry,” he kissed her on the cheek again, letting some slack back into her scalp, before plucking at the hair once more. He’d been working on it for hours, and yet her scalp wasn’t numb yet.

“It’s ok,” She loved him regardless.

“Love you too,” Which would have been nicer without Connor making sick noises.

“You two really are cringe, Ingrid’s not completely wrong all the time. Please don’t play that card, are you even remotely paying attention?” No, not really.

“So hair salon - also this card?” She put the card down she thought he meant she should play, because it was the best card out of both of their hands.

“No, because you haven’t got anything to follow through with, you just spunked your load, as you so charmingly put it earlier,” Connor put her hand down on the table. “This one, because you have two more to follow through with, and you should have noticed I no longer have any of these left in my hand,” he had noticed she’d been cheating. “Because I played the highest on the lowest which meant I had no more left,”

“This game is stupid,” She wanted to throw the cards into the sea, but they’d told her if she did they wouldn’t play any more with her. 

“It’s like whist,” Cole was stroking the back of her neck like she needed calming down. Which granted she probably did.

“Why didn’t he tell me that???” Fucking Connor.

“Because he doesn’t know what whist is,” Cole was so logical at times, he was supposed to be on her side. “I am on your side,” hmm.

“Alright, hair salon,” she kind of understood the game a bit more. She’d need to pay more attention, or just use the shield trick with a couple of head stretches to trick him into thinking she was cheating that way.

“Cole spends a lot of his time playing with your hair,” Connor shuffled the deck and started to deal again.

“So? It’s comforting,” There was nothing wrong with it.

“Connor doesn’t think there is,” Ouch, please stop pulling on the ones behind her ear, the skin was really sensitive there. “Sorry,”

“It’s something we’ve been talking about for a bit,” what? Wait when?

“You were there, but you were distracted,” that sounded like she was deliberately distracted. “Maybe?” Cole! “We were thinking that we should have a treatment area, like a spa,” hmm. That wasn’t a bad idea.

“Cole’s very busy though,”

“Yes, but well, part of what we were doing in the city was visiting some of the salon’s to find good people. You’ve hired some,” Connor narrowed his eyes as she immediately claimed won the first hand, only missing one trick. She knew how to play whist, she’d spent a lot of time playing against crafty old people. 

“Is - I thought Adaar had hired the boat. I was going to say it was a bit cheeky for them to take on other passengers too,” What to say was trumps this round, she had more of the yellow ones, but he also had zero blue cards, and she had three, so… Blue it was. He was totally narrowing his eyes at her. Ha. If he’d taught her properly in the first place, he wouldn’t have been spanked so hard now. Teach him to deal her a good first hand.

“They are part of the team now, two make up artists, one who dabbles in hair styling, and two hairstylists,” Connor didn’t quite slam his cards down on the table.

“That’s a lot of salon people,” ha she could wipe him out completely this round, but she wanted to drag it on until he cried. 

“They need to get set up, and we may have already arranged the first few visitors,” Connor looked triumphant when she let him have a trick, Cole was giggling behind her back. 

“Already? Are we set up for them?” Especially as she wasn’t going to be back at Shoptopia for another eight weeks yet.

“Yes already, Adaar informed us to keep an eye out. And yes, the guest rooms are set up. After we got lucky with the staff from that estate, the chef was thrilled to have a new job after his last place burnt down, with all the things he was used to using. We just need to find some tailors,” And a brothel.

“We’ve sent off to Tevinter, for the brothel.” Cole was humming merrily behind her back.

“Why Tevinter?” Was there something special about Tevinter, their porn was pretty good but not really more so than some of the Antivan stuff, or the Nevarran - well she did her best not to overthink about how true to life it was. She should probably avoid Nevarra.

“Yes,” Cole tugged gently.

“Tevinter, apparently, according to Bull, has the best brothels he’s ever been too.” Connor frowned as she left him with one trick again.

“What did Krem say?” as Krem at least was from Tevinter, unlike Bull.

“He said he’d never been to a Tevinter brothel,” he was such a wuss too.

“What about Cadash?” Cadash had access to all sorts. Realistically there would be at least one brothel in debt to the Cadash Carta Family, that she’d sell to them. 

“Don’t say anything in front of her,” Cole muttered in her ear. Why? “Later,” ooh, something that Connor wasn’t to hear. Maybe Cadash was a Madame. “No, I’ll tell you later,” Maybe she hated - Oooowww. Alright, she would wait. That really hurt.

“Has Dorian turned up yet?” Connor looked blankly at her, “Because we could ask him,” Although he probably hadn’t experienced them in the right way. “I’m sure we’ll get something good, because who are we? SHOPTOPIA, hoo rah.” She shouldn’t try putting her hands up again, because that had stung.

“When people try to play the mark with cards, they then try and take advantage of it,” Connor pushed his two greens in as she called orange as trumps. 

“What, I sort of know the game, you just explained it poorly.” 

“It’s the same game we’ve been trying to play for three weeks now,” Connor was such a poor loser. “How have you suddenly gotten better just from one word,”

“Because we have such an intense connection, that’s why loser,” She crowed, because she could.

“I could just push you overboard, no one would blame me,” Connor collected the cards back up, shuffling as she’d shown a blatant disregard for conventional shuffling notions. According to everyone, her placing them on the table and then mixing them up as she palmed half of them was not the done thing. 

“I was a gracious loser,” 

“You weren’t,” Connor had forgotten all about the Ingrid thing, mission accomplished. 

“I was, and you know it,” 

“So Cole was thinking about doing demonstrations on how to connect with partners over hair,” Connor gave in and changed the subject because he knew she was right.

“How do you mean?” 

“Well, for instance, look at you and Cole,” she couldn’t because there was no mirror pointed in her direction. Connor was ridiculous at times. 

“We’re very good friends,” Hmm, no trumps this time, but if she played it right, she could still win with tricks regardless. 

“You are as much a couple as you and Alistair,” Connor put down the wrong card, she could play it as if she had none and then steal later. Connor wasn’t the greatest at keeping track. It was worth the risk, throwing away a crappy card that would never have taken anything.

“So?” If he was smart, he wouldn’t play blue again and would mix it out, trying to steal her highest cards. She needed blue to be kept until later. Shit, why was he playing them again? Oh because she had none so it would be an easy to win trick fuck, she’d outfoxed herself.

“Stop trying to cheat,” fuck he’d caught on. “I’ll take that trick too,” balls. “There is nothing wrong with it, but one of the things you and Cole do is the hair thing.” 

“Balls,” he was on track to win all the tricks, she wouldn’t be picking trumps next round, fuck. “I mean, so?”

“It’s something people might be interested in learning,” ha, she could steal his green, she might be able to turn this around if she was smart.

“Oh right, ha suck it, that’s mine too!” Cole had stopped tugging as hard and was now just moving her hair around in a soothing manner. “I mean, why?”

“Most the time you both just look happy and in love while he’s doing it,” Connor was like ten, how did he know what it looked like. Not that she didn’t love Cole, because she did. Cole hugged her, giggling. 

“Alright, how does that turn into other people wanting to learn,” she just needed two more tricks and then she’d smash him into the ground next round. Hopefully. Then he could be a poor loser again.

“Bull suggested people might want to learn, and everyone agreed.” So it was Bulls fault.

“And who is going to be the model?” Because she had shit, she needed to do.

“You and Cole, because it’s a way of keeping you out of trouble,” Connor was grinning, why - oh fuck he’d distracted her enough he’d won the trick so would be calling next round. Bastard.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So the complicated hated hairpiece she was like - that looks cool, and Cole took to be - please will you do this for me? is this monstrosity.
> 
> https://www.closetcouture.com/wp-content/uploads/2019/02/62280818-rope-braid-.jpg


	26. Furby

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Kirkwall!

_Ma Cherie Amour_

_Yes, I am aware my spelling is appalling, but you get the gist right. Anyway, regardless of the fact you’ll receive this before the last one, hi. We made it safely over to Kirkwall, even with the siege weaponry that everyone was really antsy over. Do I look like the kind of person who would wage war on a whole city for shits and giggles? Connor says yes, your cousin is a cheeky beggar._

_Oh, right, so apparently we are going to be running a hairdressing salon in Shoptopia, which is a great idea. Not mine, but still pretty good. So I had this brilliant idea where - well you need models for the hairstyles so people can pick. Because pictures are all well and good right, but what happens when the client has an idea but isn’t sure - we get a sketch artist to just sit in the salon for that very occasion? No, of course not. We can use that sort of person for the boudoir. For take home a souvenir of your stay at Jen Her’ald’s Little Shoppe (please don’t forget to note the e) of Odds, Gods and Sods. Btw, if you know any good artists, apparently my attempts are not great._

_Anyway back to my great idea, so suddenly it was like - well boss how many people are you going to hire just to have certain hairstyles. Seriously people think too small. Right so what do we see a lot of? Cole agrees with me on this, well bodies! Normally fresh ones. It would be the fresh ones. Oh, also we can pay people to sell their hair if they want to, as an outreach program. But yeah. The head honcho hair-person didn’t see a problem, but some of the youngsters think it’s a bit grim. I don’t mean having the corpses obviously, because that is a bit odd. But well, we cut the hair off some bandits and shit, and it’s a really great cost-saving idea._

_Need to come up with a way of making scalps not do that thing though, because having the scalp as well would be even better, like a bald wig but in reverse - or just a wig. So yes, there is that on the cards. Bull keeps giving me these looks like he doesn’t know what to make of me. I’m a savvy businesswoman. For instances, we (mainly Cole) were able to “acquire” some seeds from the Ice Palace (you can guess where) that should give me a leg up for the herbalists. I mean we left them something in exchange, their staff. Can I just say - my sales pitch to potential employees works 99.99998% of the time. I go “I can pay you,” and they say “we already are being paid,” and I say, “well I pay double, and you get paid holidays.” And they say - “oh that’s an excellent idea, why don’t more people think of it?” And I say “because they think too small.” It also helps that we don’t judge on anything other than experience, so like a new chef doesn’t get paid as much as an experienced one - makes sense right! Right. Anyway moving on… So yes I could totally have stolen the staff from Ice Palace. It would be ez._

_Oh also, Celene (Empress) is pretty cute - I think, who knows under that mask, but yeah. I’ve been invited back for tea. Don’t worry though a certain person is still my favourite kick-ass person in charge (other than me). Imagine I’m waggling my eyebrows._

_Alright - you want to know about Kirkwall, but beyond handing the weapons over to Aveline - she’s tall and sturdy - only just arrived. She did not look remotely interested, and Cole confirmed it. She did seem a bit concerned though, you know it’s like no one has heard of handing over weapons as gifts State to State. I should tell you about this awesome game called Civ, where you win friendship points by doing precisely this. It’s fucking great, and in return, they give you stuff like culture, troops, information. Then they also vote with you when it comes to - I’ll tell you about it when I see you._

_We have a meal with Carver and Co later. First stop though is the Black Emporium._

_Expect more letters, really miss you._

_Lots of like,_

_Jen xoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxox_

_P.s. Not too much longer, promise._

No one else was allowed entrance into the Black Emporium, not even Cole which was complete bollocks in her not unbiased opinion. Also, not even Cole when he tried sneaking in with her. Who would have known that there was a special thing up to stop unwanted visitors. Ridiculous!

“So… do you do deliveries?” She really wanted to steal lots of shit, but her shoplifting had been crap even before she started relying on Cole. 

There was a suspicious wheeze from the shrivelled up throne. Apparently not. Well, there were lots of cool shit she wanted, but also heavy shit too. The mirror had been remotely interesting, if only because it allowed her to change the very complicated and painful plait, into the sweet Kaylee buns, she’d wanted in the first place. The Corpse had promised she could revert back, which she’d have to so as not to upset Cole.

“Can I pay you to hide things so when the Herald of Andraste-” she couldn’t help but snicker, “Uh, when they turn up, some shit isn’t available? Or do I have to buy it up if I don’t want them to have it?” Because she really needed to have an excuse to come back, but also screwing over the Inquisition was key too.

The lack of an answer could mean anything. She did have a ton of money, what he did with it was beside the point. Perhaps she could - “Hey, so you restock on the herbs and shit right,” this time there was a noise of agreement. The corpse had stopped chatting to her a while ago. It wasn’t her fault she needed to touch literally everything. If he was going to have tactile items, she was going to touch shit, simple as.

“Right, so I want this, definitely this, all those schematics, the Inq is poor so I can leave the really good shit that costs more than they’ll ever make especially as I’ve screwed them out of a ton of easy money…” She’d needed to dump the pile of gems and gold on the floor and let the small child sort through whilst she shifted some of the stuff to the front door. “I’m coming back, I’m trusting you with that.” 

Krem was busy chatting with Connor outside of the door, people watching.

“Cole about?” She cracked the door partway, so that they couldn’t see her hair.

“He’s busy soothing feathers,” Krem answered. Good good. 

“Sweet, alright - you might need a cart or something, cos… I’m buying a ton of shit.” Connor was frowning at her. “What?”

“You look different,”

“I don’t, you are just crazy. Why would I look different, stop it, Connor. Krem tell him he’s being weird,” That might have been overkill, but if Connor had noticed he might tell Cole, and then Cole would be upset. 

“Are you sure?” Connor had his nose wrinkled. Why the fuck had he noticed.

“Cart, go get.” 

“Changed her hair,” Krem winked at her. Bastard.

“You are not to tell Cole, he was really proud of it, it really fucking hurts though, like really. It’s like every strand of it can feel pain, and it’s shrieking.” She hated them both for how they just grinned.

Maybe, just maybe they should have visited the Emporium at the end of the trip, but. Well, it made sense to visit the Emporium after going to Val Roy, so maybe the Herald would be hot on their tail, which is why they needed to arrange with Carver and Co, use of the vaults to store all of this shit. Because some of it was going to end up in Den and not all back at Shoptopia.

“Do you even know what this is?” How the corpse had gotten hold of a Furby, well, anything could happen. She’d never had one, because they were for good girls and she’d never quite made it to that standard. 

“That is not for you,” Bastard. 

“I’ll pay you double,” the child was called for to accept her money—Ha, who was the good girl now.

He still wouldn’t sell her the miniature bear, which was utterly ridiculous. As was how it was put away as soon as she’d offered, like they thought she’d try and steal it. She would never. But, if it ran out of the front door when she was leaving, that wasn’t stealing.

Why they didn’t offer delivery when it made sense to, did no one in this stupid world understand that if they provided delivery, people might buy more stuff. Not everyone had their own transportation network to take advantage of.

“Hey, why did I get an invite?” She wasn’t that special. The answer came in the form of her own catalogue being handed back with a couple of items circled. Oooh, this was a business thing. “Yeah, I’ll send it back to the guys, you’ll need to allow someone either in to deliver, or the kids going to have to sign for it.” She wasn’t going to ask why he wanted those items, because she wasn’t Nevarran.

Connor looked appalled by the three belts around her waist, three amulets around her neck, and the three bling rings on her fingers. Well, she was hardly going to carry them like a heathen, when she could wear them. It was most of the money from the Orlesian host gone though. Who knew buying every single schematic in the place would cost so much. Or the child had done her dirty and relied on her not bothering to check. Hmm.

Still the corpse had thrown in a free Fire Staff schem, though that was in exchange for the four casks of regen potions. She was assuming the rack system was for her invitation to the Emporium. Because she wasn’t going to go argue it out with him.

Krem had the grace to offer his arm as the weight of having the three now heavy belts around her waist started to unbalance her. At least it wasn’t raining; otherwise, she’d have to cry at having spent all her money on shit that got ruined immediately.

“Did you leave anything in there?” Connor was looking a bit put out as she was walking too slowly for him. It wasn’t her fault she was tired, and her feet hurt.

“Of course, the really expensive shit that the Inq won’t be able to afford.” There was a muffled snort from her escort.

“What is it with you and trying to piss them off?” Connor moved to take her other arm. 

“Uh, because I’m against large religious bodies running roughshod over the little people?” The pair of them picked her up, which helped her feet issue. She shouldn’t bother wearing shoes, she should just be carried like a queen.

“This started before they were even a thing,” Connor didn’t sound too believing. How did he know that? Maybe she had been a bit obvious about it before the whole breach thing.

“Maybe I’m worried?” Connor was more blatant about his concern as he halted. Krem though, well wasn’t he just a younger, more handsome Bull. His hand had minutely clenched, which she’d have missed if she’d not been waiting for a reaction.

“Should we be worried?” Connor asked, in the middle of the fucking stairs like a plum idiot.

“Yes, because there are probably like twelve pickpockets here, and I can only see three people.” Tit. He was a giant tit.

“And the Chief worries about you,” Krem broke the tension, bless him. 

“Bull is a giant wuss, he still won’t sleep with me. I know he wants to, he got a chronic hardon when I “stumbled” out of the bath onto him all wet, warm and naked. Bastard just wrapped me up in a towel.” He had more control than she did.

“Anders and Stitches have explained to everyone that you are still too frail,” Krem winked. Bastards, it was like they didn’t want her to have fun. “The Chief’s worried about what will happen if you aren’t fit for when we get to Denerim. Think’s that a pile of corpses will be the tamest thing we’ll have to worry about.” He hoiked her up maiden style into his nice strong arms, Connor having decided to deal with the others who were trying to stop bits of paper from floating away in the wind.

“I don’t understand what he could possibly mean by that,” she lied.

“Yeah, we thought as much. Anyway, all the Chargers are on a no sex with the Boss regime, or at least until after we’ve been to Denerim.” Did that mean?

“Does that mean, then I can get Charger sex?” Maybe she could lure Krem into some heavy petting?

“Not until after Denerim.” It was like he could read her mind. “When you think about sex, you like to share your thoughts still.” That would explain it.

“So would you?” He pinched her bottom. Was that a yes or a no.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> <3


	27. Civ

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Hello Carver

She really needed Cole. This felt like palpitations, and she was pretty sure someone had let butterflies loose in her stomach. Maybe it was how Krem was carrying her. Shit did she look good?

“Krem, how do I look? If you weren’t banned from shagging me? Would you find me attractive?” What if Carver thought she was ugly af. What if he was gay, what if he was neutered? Krem was giving her an odd look.

“Is this because of earlier?” He was so vain. Not everything was about shagging him, although he was on the list too. 

“No, I need to know. If you hadn’t met me before, and we were just introduced. Would you find me attractive? Would you want to sleep with me?” This was important, damnit Krem.

“No,” Connor was such a fucker. 

“Connor,” Krem made a disapproving noise. Maybe Connor wasn’t lying, maybe Alistair had only slept with her because she’d given him presents and a dragon? ARGH.

“Sorry,” Connor did sound a bit sorry.

“If the question is, would I sleep with you now? No. Because of earlier. Who knows about later, it depends if Maryden is into it.” Shit, she’d forgotten about the blasted bard ever since Cole had stopped paying as much attention to her. Krem had slid right in like a smooth operator, after Cole had been revealed at any rate.

“Alright, that’s fair. Still you are on my list, because damn youse a cute one. Anyway, it’s like - if you weren’t in a relationship and you just met me for the first time now. Would you be like, “damn girl, you are fine” because I need to know, as a matter of world-ending proportions.” He frowned for a moment before grinning.

“This is about meeting Carver Hawke right?” Damnit Krem. She did not just eep. “If I was someone else, not in a relationship, didn’t know you, and weren’t aware of the restrictions on you. Then, of course, the hair looks good too.” Shit her hair, she’d forgotten to switch it back. Cole was going to kill her.

“We need to go back.” He’d spent four hours getting it right, after spending two days learning how to do the style in the first place. She’d just spurned all of that time for a bit of relief. No, they needed to go back, and maybe she could find a pretty dress to wear too. Because the Kaylee dress was being cleaned. Damn Bull for pointing out that she couldn’t keep relying on the mages to destain it. Cole had said no one thought it smelled, but she had that in her head, and once it was there it wouldn’t go.

“We were supposed to have only been an hour, and then two when we asked for the cart. It took you almost five to shop. We’re running late.” Krem refused to put her down even as she squirmed. Although it was kind of nice how he grasped her. No evil thoughts, he’d just told her he couldn’t because of Maryden, the former bane of her existence.

“Why did you say no, Connor?” She needed to know.

“You’re practically family.” Her eyes weren’t misting, it was just the sea spray.

“I wouldn’t sleep with you either!” She felt the need to share, even as Krem snorted. 

“Right, well, good. You don’t look hideous.” Connor was bright red. Aww, he did think of her as family.

“That means I look beautiful right. Wonderful, and if you were say, Carver Hawke, you’d be like - yes please rub against me?” Connor picked up his speed and walked in front of them rather than answer her.

“And they say you don’t do it deliberately,” Krem was busy chuckling to himself. 

Time to check for drool again. Carver, well he was as edible as Alistair had been. A little less perhaps, maybe enough that if she’d landed here first, she would have ended up madly in love with him instead of Ali. No, probably not. 

He had matured nicely, wore confidence like a well-worn cloak as he was busy chatting with her guys. Her guys, she was like a much better Inquisitor. Instead of worrying about pesky things like Cory, rifts, ancient elven gods, she got to worry about how to get all the people on her list to sleep with her.

Aveline was a hesitant pencil mark through that list. Cole had said it was a no goer, but he’d also said that about Gaspard and look what happened there.

“Because he wanted to kill you,” Cole popped up next to her. Please don’t notice the hair, please don’t notice the hair. “It looks nice,” awww.

“Am I drooling?” She couldn’t keep checking her mouth. Maybe this was why the Orlesians had masks, to hide the drool? He shook his head. So Merrill was also here, in fact, was that the whole crew? Was she going to screw four people with one trip?

“Four?” Cole blinked at her. Carver, Merrill, Isabella who Aveline had said the next ship to Denerim would be, and Fenbae. Who was due to arrive in the next couple of days. “Oh, but you want to see the other too,” yes, but that was much trickier. Because of the whole Anders issue. Although, maybe it would speed up that invasion? “No.” 

That was very firm. Maybe Cole was upset about the hair after all.

“Let me introduce you to the Boss, Jen Her’ald.” Bull had chosen to do the introductions, because Connor was busy sitting on Ingrid in the corner. Surely there was nothing here she could complain about.

“Lovely, wonderful, awesome to meet you,” well she spoke, she’d been worried that when she opened her mouth nothing but fluid would spill. 

“She’s spent a while in the Emporium,” Krem was pretty much subtly propping her up from behind. 

“Uh yes, if you want anything from there, well I bought most of it.” She could do this. She could manage to have a normal chat with the crew who did such things as brought Kirkwall to its knees through an explosion. And rampaged through killing Qunari invaders. 

“How much did you spend?” Bull was giving her a side-eye.

“Alistair sent word that Ferelden’s also included ones who lived in Kirkwall,” Anders piped up. Oh right, these were his friends. She was hardly going to steal from Carver. Well only a memento. Like his shirts and underwear. What kind does he wear? 

“Buttoned,” Cole had his back to them and hissed into her ear. Why? 

“They know about Cole, Boss.” Bull was giving her a Ha look. 

“Oh, right, well. So anyone have an issue with it?” Cole slapped his hand over her mouth.

“Jen, they are friends with Anders,” Krem commented softly behind her back. Oh, right, that was true.

“Cole’s fascinating,” Merrill was looking at him with those big eyes. Maybe? No, that was tacky. No she would woo Merrill separately.

“Cole’s my soul?” that was about right.

“Like you and Justice, Anders.” Anders did not look like he agreed with Merrill one bit.

“Welcome to Kirkwall.” Carver stepped forward, holding his hand out, apparently at ease in defusing explosions - finally. Cole didn’t remove his hand, if anything he clamped it tighter. She wasn’t going to say it. Though it was pretty funny.

“It wasn’t.” Coleeeeeee. “No, it wasn’t. Please don’t say it.” She wouldn’t. She also couldn’t shake Carver’s hand while Cole had his on her mouth, not without it being very awkward.

“Cole?” Thank the gods for Bull, as Cole released her. 

Another thing off her bucket list. Have her hand kissed by Carver Hawke. Yep, she was living off this high for a bit. 

“Bull was telling us about the friendship you want to strike between Kirkwall and -” he paused.

“Shoptopia,” She helped him out.

“And Shoptopia. I must admit, it’s a first to be gifted such weaponry. Normally it’s demands for taxes or trade deals.” He’d offered her his arm, and she was a fucking Disney princess being led about by a Disney prince. He was a bonafide Disney prince. They even had the sweeping stairway. 

“Well, as I was busy telling Ali, and then separately Celene. Shoptopia needs it’s allies, I can’t just rely on my great friendship with Ferelden and Orlais, nor their signatures to say that the land is mine. No, I must forge political allies throughout Thedas.” She could do this, she could focus on impressing him and not tripping over her own feet or drooling on him.

“You must?” Carver was much better than she thought he’d be at being a Disney prince. He had the right amount of interest in his voice, and unlike Connor wasn’t bitching about how she wasn’t the fastest. Because her feet still really hurt. 

“Well, times are pretty upheavally at the moment. Can I just ask something quickly?” His expression was that of, she’s going to ask me about the Champion.

“Of course,” He was smooth af.

“Are you single?” 

“Jen,” Anders hissed, why was he always so fucking boring. She was more interested in the way Carver had blinked.

“Well you wouldn’t tell me, so who better to ask than the horse himself.” Cole was suddenly by her free side. Why? 

“Horse?” Cole whispered in her ear, giving Carver a smile.

“Oh, it’s a common saying, might as well ask the horse directly,”

“That’s not it.” Cole, please. “Straight from the horses mouth.” 

“That’s what I said.” He was just nitpicking now.

“Not quite.” Was he really arguing about it in front of Carver like this. “You called him a horse, he thought you were insulting him.” Oh.

“I wasn’t, it’s a saying. If Anders had told me, even if he was out of date on like if you actually were, he still could have told me if you were sexually active or neutered. But no, so I need to ask you myself, directly.” Bull was now muttering about her, she could hear him.

“How did you manage to convince anyone to sleep with you?” Harsh Bull, harsh.

“I’m smooth, but I lose it a bit around people I’m very much attracted to. Like Carver, it’s like someone let loose a load of butterflies and I ate them whole, and now they are trying to escape my stomach.” Cole was busy grinning now. “What, it’s a thing, well it - not like that. Not unless I’m dragon size, and then I don’t know if I would notice the butterflies. Hey do you think whales notice krill wriggling, do krill wriggle, is it krill that they eat?” 

“Breath.” Anders smacked her on the back. She was babbling.

“Uh yeah, so single, gay, straight, bi, pan, try? I mean do you find me attractive and do you want to take me to the bed-chamber, - or I’m up for like anywhere. I can tell you about the first time I did it with Ali.” She loved the windmill story.

“You don’t have to answer, Cole can let her down gently later.” Rude! Bull was so getting demoted, and Krem could be the new Chief.

“I told him you wouldn’t be able to,” Anders sounded really smug.

“Perhaps we should carry on?” Carver hadn’t answered her question. Instead, they continued to chat politely as she fumed about how life wasn’t fair.

There was quite the spread of food, that looked utterly delicious. Even smelled it too.

“Right, so there’s this thing called Civ, short for Civilisation. It’s great, it teaches you about all sorts, like how to build walls using people to do it, so you don’t have to. Anyway, one of the key things it taught me was that even somewhere that’s small can have quite the impact on winning conditions.” Cole was busy feeding the dogs under the table, he’d managed to clear both of their plates without anyone noticing, much.

“You think war is coming?” Carver had noticed the dog feeding, but hadn’t mentioned it in lieu of her answering earlier questions.

“When isn’t there? I mean if its not one thing it’s another. Now that the one in Orlais is dying down - Gaspard has decided to stop the petty fighting and is standing down his men. Well, then it means - no offence Bull and Krem, Tevinter and Qunari land.” Bull wasn’t looking overly impressed.

“Well, with Orlais in the midst of a civil war, it’s left the region a bit unsettled right. Anyway, if it isn’t, well surely people who might want to recoup old land - Tevinter. Or to spread their religious ideology - the Chantry - sorry I meant the Qunari, might want to sew the seeds of disharmony.” Ha, Carver was looking at her like she wasn’t demented any more.

“Whose to say this isn’t a ploy from Gaspard?” It was Aveline who asked the question, who was supposed to have been talking to the others.

“I mean the same way I know most things, Cole!” Bull snorted. The Kirkwall lot just looked a bit confused as Cole continued to play with the dogs beneath the table. “I mean, we met him and Celene.”

“Empress Celene, Boss,” Bull said. He was so insistent on titles when talking about people. It was ridiculous at times, she didn’t have time to waste on such things.

“Uh yeah, Celene, the Empress of Orlais. Gaspard was very sincere, wasn’t he Cole.” Well, the man wearing the Gaspard mask and wearing his rings was at the very least. He definitely wasn’t the same man she’d slept with though. For one she’d burnt his body, and there wasn’t any nice scar around the new Gaspard’s neck. He had, other than that, been an excellent copy. So much so, that he’d already duped his own sister. 

“The civil war will truly be over in Orlais?” Aveline asked, looking at Carver in a way she’d need Cole to interpret.

“If you want an easy investment, I’d lay money on it.” Which they had done. “Anyway, so Orlais is going to be much more stable, well once the Inq gets, it’s finger out and closes some of the rifts there. In fairness, they are scrambling a bit. Must be difficult, eh, to need to be in a hundred places at the same time. It’s why I throw them a bit of a bone in the way of half-price goods and a couple of short term loans.” And she’d be their landlady.

“Oh yes, so difficult having to go to parties and have everyone say how wonderful you are. I mean I would hate to be accused of being Maker sent, the only hope for the world...” Ingrid was here, she’d forgotten. 

“In fairness, you were invited to that party first. And you get to come on this cool trip. You’ve been to tea with the Grand Duke.” Ingrid looked confused shit they’d made her forget, oh well. “Been to Val Roy, been to parties and now you get to eat with the Count of Kirkwall.”

“Viscount.” Bull had a deathwish.

“Also, you have a devoted swain following you around, hanging on your every word.” Connor would kill her for that.

“Yes, but I want someone with more enthusiasm than Connor.” Connor looked ready to kill.

“No offence Connor,” She added helpfully as Ingrid wasn’t going to.

If looks could kill…

“Anyway, so yes. Kirkwall is great. You are just across the water, and once we get the network set up, you’ll be even closer.” Probably shouldn’t have mentioned that just yet. Oh well. “Anyway, you’re a small city-state, I’m a pretty small nation-state too. It makes sense. We both speak the same language, we have close ties through Anders now. You have the Emporium, and you are like a gateway into the Free Marches. We were thinking about once things are set up, setting up a cart network running out of here. For delivery purposes.” That was right? Cole made a noise of agreement.

“Kirkwall is a desirable location,” Carver agreed.

“But, what will the return be you are wondering? Well, of course we will pay a small tax to operate out of here. We can talk figures later. Also, we will come to your aid if you require it,” Bull narrowed his eyes at her. So suspicious. “If you will do the same?” 

“Within reason. Unlike you, we do not have a small army,” Carver was smooth.

“Aid doesn’t need to mean manpower. It could mean - a failed harvest we could supply you with food. Or I get invited to a dance-off and need a partner.” Cole was giggling. “More of a, as long as it’s not going to endanger either state, lending aid if needed. For instance, if you hear a rumour that say Tevinter wants my head - you’d drop me a line. And if I overhear a message about say someone coming to invade Kirkwall, I would do the same. Not that I have, but isn’t it interesting that those walls need working on. I happen to know where there is a cheap quarry with lots of desperate miners. Who would be happy to work for an honest wage to provide you with the materials to repair them fully.” 

“Boss, can I have a word?”

“Sure Bull,” Bull wasn’t looking happy.

“Now Boss,” 

“Bit busy now Bull, I’m negotiating.” 

“Now. Boss.” Well this was awkward. She didn’t want to tell him no again, especially as everyone was now pretending not to be watching intently.

“Will you excuse me a moment, Bull has an issue he needs to discuss urgently. Shouldn’t take more than a minute, unless he’s giving in to my womanly wiles,” maybe the last bit was unnecessary. Cole had hold of her hand as she was whisked out by an angry-looking Bull.

“Have you just brought us into an invasion?” He’d not even waited for the door to fully close.

“Would I?” Cole moved to stand in front of her. Oh, Bull really wasn’t happy.

“Yes. If it meant you could sleep with someone, yes you would.” Rude.

“He’s not wrong.” Cole! Traitor.

“Has she?” Was she the cats mother now?

“No,” Cole answered. Bull didn’t look convinced. “It doesn’t happen yet.” COLE.

“I knew it. As soon as you said you wanted to gift a dozen siege weapons to some battle-torn city. I told Adaar that you were just causing trouble again.” That was even ruder. 

“You are wrong.” She wasn’t going to just let him slander her in such a way without saying something.

“Cole?” Bull asked. Apparently, he didn’t trust her word. Well that’s just damn skippy that.

“The invasion doesn’t happen for a while, she thinks.” Cole was just blabbing now. She’d have to have words later, especially with spy mc spyerson.

“I’m not going to ask how you know that it’s going to happen, how long? By the time we depart having detoured to the other town?” He really wasn’t trusting her at all.

“No, not until after something else happens.” This was ridiculous. Cole, Bull was a spy for the Qun, Bull wasn’t supposed to know any of this.

“It’s tough not to know when you telegraph everything. Are we going to Denerim for any other reason than so you can see the King?” Bull was pacing, and Cole hadn’t moved from standing in front of her.

“I haven’t seen him in ages, I plan on wearing him out. Then taking him out to kill a dragon,” Oh they should totally kill any Tevinter mages that are trying to take him out too, Cole make a note.

“That - that look right there. The one where you perk up, and then Cole reacts. What else?” Bull was being really mean. A massive jerk.

“Cole’s going to check that there aren’t any evil spies in Denerim, but that’s only because I just thought about it. We are going to Denerim so I can upset Fiona by defiling her son every single place I can think of.” She couldn’t wait. The throne, the tables, the cells, the library, the stables.

“The Dragon is just a dragon?”

“It’s a High Dragon, we might get to see a giant too, that’ll be cool. Hey, do you think they are in proportion - and have you ever seen a female giant?” 

“Focus, any other reason for killing the dragon?” Bull didn’t look like he was in the mood to indulge, the dick.

“Uh, sex?” 

“Sex?”

“You know, it’s stimulating killing a dragon. Ali looked really sexy after it, sluicing off all that blood. Oh, Bull, you should have seen him, he brought me two dead drakes like a fucking puppy. It was adorable.” Those were the days, when no one questioned her every move. When she could just be free and normal. Cole had relaxed and moved to stroke her hair.

“Is there anything else I need to know? Because we do not have a full company, and if you are waging war we can’t.” He just looked a bit defeated. She almost felt sorry for the big old spy. But then, he was still holding out on her.

“Yes, lots of things. Like how to play poker, how to tell when I’m horny,” 

“Everyone knows,” Rude.

“Honestly Bull, you just need to relax and trust me.”

“Is that right?” he had started to relax now.

“Yeah, I mean if you need help relaxing, the door is closed, and I can be very quiet…” She tried waggling her eyebrows at him.

“I can only imagine what you think is going to happen next,” he drawled stalking forward, Cole moving out of the way as she was pinned to the wall. Ha, he was totally going to take her up on it. Or she would be _up on_ him. Score.

“We’re both adults right?” his knee had slid between her legs and lifted her up, so her toes barely brushed against the floor. 

“That is something we talk about a lot,” he bent his head down to speak directly into her ear. 

“Oh?” she couldn’t help but shiver, it was the closest he’d gotten to her. This was it Cole, this was it. Why was Cole shaking his head. 

“Mhmm,” he inhaled, and she flooded. “Jamie has more self-control than you do.” hmm.

“If you hadn’t have slept with Gaspard, I would have taken you right here, right now.” she could feel him rumbling against her ear, but the words were muffled. 

“The Iron Bull?” she could feel his heat, he was so warm, so warrrm, she wanted to squirm up against him. “She’s drifting.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I've finished the redraft of my novel, two more chapters to edit before off to the publishers for it all to be ripped apart. But in the meantime, I'm free to write more fanfic yay!


	28. Vampire

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Chill time with Carver n Co

_Alistair,_

_I am being forced to write this. Anders says unless I pay attention to his rules we won’t be able to have sex when we get to Denerim. Ignore that though, because we both know he’s a fucking idiot._

_Anyway, so he got really pissy - he is reading this, if he’s making me write about the sex thing he has to read me insulting him because he’s a prick. Right, Bull - who is on the banned list. Look it’s difficult writing when you are being watched, bloody Anders._

_Bull did a thing. It wasn’t a bad thing, but now Anders is on a massive tear about how he won’t give me a clean bill of health until I start listening to him. Well, I think the power is going to his head._

_I will write again later with more information because I am too angry at Anders to focus on you, which is shit._

_Lots of like._

_Jen xoxo_

_P.s. He’s still hasn’t got a score yet. You are still top of the leaderboard.  
_

Carver had been very nice about the whole thing. He’d even escorted her to a very familiar location that was full of old decrepit furniture and smashed pottery. She’d spent a good two hours throwing shit at walls and screaming after Anders had decried from up high that Bull wasn’t even allowed to tease her. 

“Has he always been like this?” She asked, taking a well-earned break.

Carver was busy playing cards with Cole, Merrill and Anders at a safe distance. Because Anders wouldn’t leave her a fucking lone.

“Hmm?” It was scary how easily they’d slipped into familiarity. A combination of chatting about how she liked to blow dragons up by drugging them and throwing grenades down their throats and then running away before they explode. Bitching about Anders and his obsession with her sex life. Merrill had especially like the Eluvian chat, although she was at a blank on how to reset a password on them. Which was fine, because the Temple of Mythal hadn’t moved.

“Anders, being a massive bitch.” Anders in fairness, now she’d expended some pent up aggression, was still stretching and healing her. But still.

“No?” Carver didn’t sound too sure. 

“Wrong answer.” Anders was smug, the smug prat.

“Did you know that if nine out of ten doctors say something, it doesn’t mean the tenth is wrong,” because she was going to find that tenth doctor who hadn’t been tainted by Stitches and Anders who were determined to ruin her life.

“Have you danced yet today?” Anders won another hand and was smugging it up in her direction.

“Yes.”

“She hasn’t.” Cole!

“Jen, you need to dance every day. You agreed, it’s part of the healing and repair work we are doing to get you in a fit state so you can sleep with Alistair.” Anders was cheating, she could tell. Bastard.

“I’m not doing the warm-up dance.” She could be Buffy and stake him from this range. Cole was grinning at her. He didn’t think she could do it, she could totally do it. There was the perfect chair leg, she could smash it. Everyone knew that a chair leg would break into a stake. The stake would then throw in slow motion through the air, and get him right in the heart and he’d burst into dust.

“He’s not a vampire.” Cole could just read their minds and win the game. “It wouldn’t be playing fair,” So? “You like them, they wouldn’t like me very much if I cheated all the time.”

“They do this all the time, you can work out what Jen’s asking, it’s either something sexual or very obvious.” Anders was scooping more cards up.

“Alright, I’ll use my words. You were complaining before about it. Anyway, Cole - these people don’t have an issue with cheats; otherwise, Varric would never have been allowed round. Or Isabella, or Anders. Merrill and Carver didn’t, because they couldn’t.” Cole was shaking his head as Carver leaned back in his chair to give her a look.

“If you are basing this from that book, Varric wasn’t there for half of it.” Ha, she knew it was a pile of shit.

“So, how much is utter bull shit?” She needed to know. So she could crow about it later, when it was just her and Cole. 

“We’ll tell you, but only if you dance.” Anders was so fucking cruel.

“Fine, whatever. But you need to tell me all of it, from start to finish, every little thing Varric got wrong.” She could write the real version but an erotic one. 

“I wasn’t a Templar.” Carver offered up first, wincing as Merrill scooped the cards up.

“Warden?” 

“Dance.” 

“I am dancing, look. See me dance.” She was doing the handbag dance, with an imaginary handbag on the floor in front of her.

“Warm-up dance, Jen. Carver will tell you about that story if you do the warm-up dance.” She really fucking hated Anders.

Yet more conquests seeing her doing the teapot. She couldn’t even raunch it up, because they weren’t watching her probably because half of them were cheating. Anders still managed to tell her off for not putting effort in. 

Cole placed his cards down on the table, to join her in the still relatively splinter-free patch to help her with the Macarena. She did enjoy dancing when she started it that was. Until that point she hated it, it always felt so unnecessary.

“You need to do more,” Cole whispered at her. She knew it, her body had been a lot less supple since the ankle incident. It was getting better, but the break had had a harmful effect on her joints and muscles. They’d started to remember what she was. “We can hunt down Dorian?” Cole mumbled, leading her through the steps as she stumbled through them.

“Not yet, after if he isn’t with them.” Dorian was going to be a problem, they’d have to keep an eye on the mastery issue too. They’d gotten Ingrid very drunk one night, and quizzed her about Evelyn. It hadn’t been too helpful, beyond the stories about how as a child, she’d broken her arm sliding down a bannister. Entertaining but not useful.

So far they’d been lucky with the mages they couldn’t make forget. Time was getting closer to the point where it was no longer possible. Dagna was terrific, but the Cole bracelets were a menace of the first order.

Merrill had spotted it straight away. She’d also forgotten too. They’d won the lottery, Merrill’d not said anything until they were somewhere quiet away from the others before she’d known about Cole’s special memory talents. It was holding, so far. As was Anders, that was down to Justice and Cole having a chat though. 

“Hey, Macarena.” She jumped as Cole said a lot louder. They were being watched. 

“Storytime now?” She had forgotten to pester for it, that was suspicious behaviour.

“What would you like to know?” Carver hadn’t looked up from the cards, having won a heap at some point recently. She’d missed it, having a cloak and dagger conversation with Cole.

“So, if you aren’t a Templar, does that mean you are a Warden?” Shit, who was the Warden who was going to help the Inq? 

“No. I carried on doing what I have before, someone had to stay to look after Mother.” That made sense.

“I stayed too, we worked together with Fenris. It was nice, wasn’t it,” Merrill beamed at him.

“Much nicer than being trapped in the Deep Roads at any rate,” Carver agreed. 

“How about Aveline?” Because they’d seemed pretty friendly. As friendly as Aveline looked like she could be.

“Oh that Guard rumour. He really upset her when she read about it. He was lucky he’d been locked up with the Seeker. She was ready to rip his arms off.” Carver shook his head, laying the cards face up with the others dropping theirs to the table and sitting back.

“We were all pleased for Aveline when she managed to get into the guard, she’d been Maker sent dealing with Mother after, well. Especially on top of that business with her husband. Why Varric put that in, he burnt most of his cards with her.” There was a mutual noise of agreement around the table.

“You need to keep moving Jen,” Anders prompted.

Cole started humming the mountain song for her, as Carver seemed to collect his thoughts.

“Gamlen was a rogue. Varric painted him as something worse, because it made good reading, is what he told me. If you ask people in Kirkwall about the book, they’ll laugh about it. Almost everything is exaggerated or an outright lie. Except for the parts that aren’t, that should never have been in there to begin with.” The glorious thrill of knowing she’d been right about Varric’s crap writing had gone. Carver sounded resigned.

“They like Varric,” Cole nudged her.

“We do, but sometimes I wish he’d lost his fingers in the finale.” Carver shrugged his shoulders, sitting upright properly.

“So are you actually the Viscount?” She had to ask, because Anders had been cagey about it. 

“Because of my good deeds for the city, for my sins, I am.” He tipped an imaginary hat at her.

“Almost everyone likes Carver,” Merrill sounded like a proud mother.

“You really should get the walls fixed,” She couldn’t help herself. 

“It’s on the list, as is getting a proper water supply into Dark Town and the Alienage. Food is most important, though.” Shit they couldn’t steal from Kirkwall. She’d feel really guilty about it. 

“We have tons of food, don’t we Anders,” who looked confused.

“We are very appreciative of the kind gift of weapons, that is more than enough.” Carver gave her a smile, the sort of smile that made her want to pay to have the walls fixed, and the water supplies done. They should send the builders, what was the point of having their own builders if they didn’t use them.

“They are building three levels under Shoptopia. Adaar also has plans to build a small village on the other side of the valley, to house their people,” Cole murmured. Balls, but it did mean that Adaar was now in it for the long haul if they were going to finally move their people. “Krem is talking to Bull about doing the same.” 

Shit, that was a lot of building work going on. They would need more builders, like a lot more builders. And stone, a lot of stone.

“Dance, please Jen,” Anders had stopped being as nagging, and it was more of an encouraging tone. She still felt like not out of spite.

Cole was drawing a blank on the Saturday Night Whig dance. It had been too long since they’d done it. 

A waltz? She almost wanted to take it back as soon as she’d thought of it. That belonged in her childhood, with tea dances and whist drives. Cole was smiling at her, though, maybe it was time to start prodding those memories again.

It wasn’t an overly complicated waltz, they didn’t have the room with all the broken furniture and shards of glass. But the steps came easily, the muscle memory taking over without Cole prompting it. She could almost hear the music too, before he whisked her into a simple polka.

“Shall we dance?” He asked quietly as she tipped her head back to stare at the sky.

“On a bright cloud of music?” Her insides were like mush, and she really was going to burst into tears if he didn’t change the song.

“It’s astounding?”

“Time is fleeting,” this would do, this would do indeed. Everyone needed a little time warp in their lives.

“We could teach it to Alistair?” Cole lifted her up into the air after they’d finished another three cheerful boisterous songs. Which? “The Polka?” 

“Only if I get a big dress, I want the whole hog if we are going to emotionally kill me.” She giggled as he beamed at her. She supposed it was helping a bit. The big knot he didn’t know how to untangle that upset him so much, was finally teasing free.

“Warm down,” Anders broke through their moment.

She didn’t even complain.


	29. Letters to home

There had been a lot of debate as to what happened next. Cole was still insistent on going to the town to do the thing. She’d explained it to Bull, but hadn’t listened to herself speak, so… Yeah. That was a thing. 

Carver had promised to keep her from causing too many problems. Because no one trusted her, it was very rude. Thank the gods that Merrill at least had a genuine reason to want her to stay. It was odd splitting up from Cole, even for a little while. She wasn’t needed to go plant information to set some dude up though, and they would travel much easier in a small group. Bull had chosen to go with Cole, or Cole had decided to demand Bull went with him.

Anders stayed in Kirkwall, temporarily reopening his clinic. The salon staff were running free trials for anyone who might be interested in attending Jen Her’alds Little Shoppe of Odds, Gods and Sods. All in all, Kirkwall was turning into a lucrative venture.

If it all went tits up in Shoptopia, she would happily move to Kirkwall, and Carver had said she was more than welcome to.

“Do you know where they are?” Merrill had a large map out and was busy marking up locations of potential interest. 

“Who?” She was totally paying attention, and not to the way that Merrill was bent over the table wiggling her bottom like she wanted it to be squeezed.

“Mythal’s people, I would love to meet them. Fancy they were there all this time, and we never knew!” She was so cute and enthusiastic.

“Uh, somewhere in Orlais, I have been. Cole’s better at keeping track of locations, I don’t think I would have found it without him.” Wasn’t that the truth. Even with the name Obsession Oasis, she still couldn’t find it on the map.

“Do you think there are more out there?” Merrill peered back at her with those big limpid eyes, ugh she was so nomable.

“I mean, of course. Just don’t ask me where. I mean, how do you know who is one anyway? I guess we could ask the ones I know who are?” Solas didn’t really look any different other than he was bald. But there were lots of bald people about, she didn’t think they were all ancient. Or maybe they were?

“Would you mind if I came with you to meet them?” Merrill really didn’t need to do the thing with the lips to get her to agree. Not that she was complaining, give her a pencil, and she could be a sexy librarian.

“Sure, like no skin off my nose. If I knew where they were now, we could just pop over and see Ancient Elves.” She was pretty sure that they had time.

“We promised you wouldn’t leave the city until they came back,” Carver piped up from his desk. It was a little bit being back at Shoptopia. Was it wrong she kind of missed the place, and Adaar being distracted and judgemental in the corner. Had Adaar missed her? She should write her a letter to check.

“They wouldn’t have known,” maybe? Until Cole did his thing and then got upset. They didn’t have much time left, she didn’t want to part ways being upset with each other.

It’d been quite nice though, being put up by Carver and Co. Merrill joined in on her daily dances, she’d even taught her some new ones. Cole was going to have to learn them too, so that they could do them after they’d left Kirkwall. She’d learnt lots about how Varric had pretty much made vast chunks of the book up, which wasn’t a surprise. Not even the bits designed to distract Cassandra Pentagram, but parts where he’d not been there, and nothing had happened.

“He left out the year he was hunted by assassins sent by his lovers family. That was a fun time, we still duck whenever we see a dwarf in the corner of the room.” Carver was quite funny. He’d also left out the part where during that year he’d been romancing Marian, until Bianca had turned up. That conversation had turned awkward quickly especially as Varric had been there when they’d had it.

She’d met the Herald. Briefly. For the second time, with Ingrid. The Herald had groaned, which was better than what Ingrid had done. Connor was still sulking about the affair. It wasn’t anyone's fault that she’d been right about the Inquisition heading to the Black Emporium. 

The Inquisition had stayed two days, which was three days longer than anyone wanted them there for. Varric had dumped them for a night to hang out with the old crew, and the Shoptopia lot. She’d kept very quiet, for the most part, because she wasn’t silly. She didn’t want to end up in a book, to be passed around like a dirty magazine.

He had recognised her, though, which didn’t bode well at all. He’d been very interested but had chatted to the others rather than question her. She’d sort of appreciated it.

When Fenris appeared though, woah. Hello sailor. Ingrid had shut up for the first time since Evelyn turned up. Connor had too, but then that was because he’d started drinking with them all in the Hanged Man. She wasn’t sure what she was going to say to Ali, “sorry I turned your cousin into an alcofrolic?” yeah, he’d buy it especially if she put her index finger in her mouth and twisted a strand of hair around her finger.

There were some burning questions, though. Like, how long did it take to travel a bit, set up some people, and return? Because Ali was waiting in Denerim. Anders had explained in great detail that if she waited until Denerim, he would take off the sex ban. She was prepared to do it. Also the only person who’d looked like they might agree to ignore Anders, had been one of the guard. Aveline told her no. Aveline was scary.

_  
Dear Adaar,_

_Do you miss me? I find myself missing you a lot, I didn’t think I would because I am a strong independent woman who don’t need no one (other than Cole). Funny isn’t it, I’ve not even been gone that long, and I already miss things like the way you tell me off for the stupidest of things._

_We’ve met the Inquisition again, in case one of your spies hasn’t told you. I miss you and your guys. The Chargers are great an all, but they are very much Bull’s if that makes sense? You guys are pretty fucking great too. Yes, maybe you all have the same “we just escaped from the Qun” and shit story. But that doesn’t make you any less interesting. Like Kaaris, and his ability to cheat poorly at horseshoes. Or Shok lying to you about how long the contract was signed for._

_For real though, Kirkwall s’alright, nice even. It isn’t home though, it’s warmer for one. Which should be nice, but I kind of like how I have to get Connor to tramp up all the steps to make the bath warm. Please say that Dagna hasn’t fixed it. It does him good the pampered brat._

_Ingrid has definitely come into her own. Like in a potentially bad way. Sera just encourages her now. I had hoped that Sera would hook up with Dagna, but Ingrid and Sera have been bumping uggos. Connor complained - like always. Apparently they aren’t quiet, and round it out by pranking him. He’s taken to sleeping with Anders down at the clinic. Trust Anders to sleep in dark, dank places._

_Cole is still off doing Cole things. I should appreciate the weaning, but it only makes me feel sad, you know? He’s like my whole body, and I’m a lot lighter without him, like nothing holds me down in my body, and I’ll just float away never to return._

_I haven’t stopped breathing for a few days now, which is good right. I hope so. I miss you and Mary. Jamie definitely, and Dagna._

_I don’t think I’m designed to be a wandering star, I was for ages, and now that I am. I’m not really, Carver and Merrill keep me company most days, but alone from the Shoptopians. It’s like I am alone. I guess it’s like, when you were with the Qun, and then suddenly you aren’t. Like bereft and lost on the tossing sea hoping desperately to see a life raft, or land._

_Overly dramatic much? Yes please._

_It’s bizarre, though. You’ve become my family, the one I paid for mind. I keep crying, I don’t know how I’m going to cope without Cole for a bit. I can’t cope now, and I know he’s coming back. I don’t think I’ll be sending this letter. I should warn you that he isn’t coming back, but then it means admitting it to other people._

_After we kill the dragon with Ali, Cole is joining the Inquisition. I’m pretty sure he won’t be staying, but he wants - needs to join them for a while. How long is a while? How long is a piece of string. You know, Cole - I know Cole. He’ll be there until he feels like he can leave. The bastards won’t even appreciate him properly. It’ll be trying to change him, because they are fucking idiots._

_If the Herald just apologised to Ingrid, anyone can see Ingrid just wants that. Instead, it’s just blargh. If she’s like that with her own sister, then hows she going to be with Cole?_

_I don’t know what’s going to happen. I don’t. I worry that the Inq steal Cole forever, that they’ll understand how amazing and wonderful he is. I’m also afraid that they won’t, and Cole will end up hurt._

_I’m worried that I won’t be enough to lure him back._

_I just need to be told it’ll all be ok even if it’s a lie, because it hasn’t been ok for a long time._

_This is such a stupid letter._

_Love,_

_Pen.  
_

She shoved the letter into the pile to be thrown onto the fire for kindling. She’d gotten it wet anyway, so even if she hadn’t ruined it partway through, Adaar wasn’t going to have been able to read it.  
_  
Adaar,_

_We are going to kill the dragon, just letting you know. Also I made some Kirkwall rock candy to send back for you. As a souvenir. Uh, you have strong teeth, you’ll be fine, but warn Mary not to let Jamie at it, cos they will break his teeth._

_Jen xoxoxoxox_

Much better letter. No one could work out how to get the word Kirkwall onto the rock, but they’d had fun trying. She’d been almost tempted to sugarcoat an actual stone. But the risk that Jamie would try was too high, and she didn’t want to upset Adaar too much.

Leaving it addressed to Adaar, she left it on the desk to be sent with the next round of messages back to Shoptopia. The salon staff were heading out on the next boat, with the organised loot. Half of the Chargers were heading back with them, to swap over with the Talos-Vas for the dragon-slaying. 

A tiny, tiny part of her wanted to hop on that boat with them, and head home. The homesick part of her. The part of her that wanted to be hugged by Mary, even if Mary wasn’t any older than her. Because Mary hugged like a mum, and she - gah she was crying again, frigging dust in the room.

No tears, she was a strong independent woman who needed no bugger else. She had come into this world alone, and had made a name for herself using only her wits. And Cole. 

Time to have a bath, a nice long soak before going out with the peeps for another thrilling night on the town. Old Kirkwall town. Where the men peed against buildings down alleys, and the women did the same. It reminded her a tiny bit of old home. And really not in a bad way. They needed kebabs though, and more women screaming at each other about how pretty they looked. It was something the ambience was missing in her humble opinion.

The “BABE YOU LOOK ADORBS!” with the other screaming that the other person did. Over and over again. Or the random, “Do you think my friend looks fit?” and then being glared at until they received the correct answer, which was never no, even when said person was covered in vomit.

Maybe when she got to meet Isabella, they could re-enact it. A tiny slice of her past.


	30. Games and Wagers

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The Shoptopians are Denerim bound

No-one was talking about what happened out in the wilds of the Free Marches. Never a great sign. She’d bothered to ask once. 

“It’s done.” Which meant precisely nothing, at least Cole achieved what he wanted though.

So they were all on board - well not all, the Chargers had swelled in numbers, Krem had told her not to worry about it. Which was easy for Krem to say, but everyone had managed to get on the boat coming to Kirkwall, not everyone was able to get on the ship heading to Denerim. This being after some had already gone ahead before they’d returned from the wild landscape of the Marches. Which everyone kept telling her was no such thing, but as they wouldn’t let her go out of the city she imagined it to be the home to dragons who scoured the skies looking for their next meal… Cole also said not to worry about it too, the amount of people issue. She was choosing to let Adaar deal with it. This wasn’t to be an issue for Jen Her’alds Little Shoppe of Odds, Gods & Sods if Bull had pulled more of the Chargers to head back.

“Hey Cole?” Cole was very quiet.

“Everything is fine.” And the Pope shat in the woods. No response. Cole always liked to correct her.

“Cole? Is this something I need to be concerned about?” Because getting blood out of Bull would be far harder. Cole loved her, Bull loved the information and gold.

“Everything is fine.” He wasn’t even attempting the most stupid plait she’d paid Issy to get to tempt Cole out of the oddness. It had reduced the chance of sex on board, after Issy had said no and then no again, until she’d offered vast amounts of gold. Cole was more important.

“Cole?” He hadn’t even responded to that.

“Jen, uh, Anders said we can fool about a bit,” Bull was so blatant.

“Bull, uh, I can see through your piss poor excuse to have me not question Cole.” There. She told him.

“I didn’t say you could fool about at all,” Anders was like a Hobbit, always turning up when his name was said.

“That’s not how it is?” Cole was lured out of the silence to correct her. She knew she could do it eventually. “No, you meant that one.”

“Alright so who is it who always turns up when you say their name?” Because it was someone, right?

“It isn’t a bad penny.” Cole hugged her tightly.

“Because bad pennies always turn up. Hey, do you think my memory is getting worse?” She thought maybe it was. She should probably try and use it more, rather than rely on Cole all the time. What was she going - oooooh, this was why. He was quiet because he was suffering from the same thing she was. They were to be parted, and it was going to be awful.

“You’re just lazy with it,” Anders smacked her on the back. Rude.

“He’s not wrong,” Connor piped up. Was this gang up on the only woman day?

“You aren’t the only woman,” Cole nuzzled her neck. Well no, in fact they were pretty evenly split if anyone counted Ingrid as female and not a devil. THE DEVIL! Cole giggled.

“We could play snap?” No, that was - was that the card matching game where they spread it out over a table. 

“No, you got pretty stabby last time you tried to play snap,” Anders tugged on the end of her hair. That wasn’t true.

“You tried to throw a chair at the sea because it bumped you and made you lose to Connor.” Bull was so funny.

“You cursed Poseidon,” Cole giggled.

“Because that big old goat didn’t want me to win, apparently.” Cole? Is it getting worse. She felt it was.

“Not much longer, Anders is keeping an eye on it,” Cole whispered in her ear. That was a relief. She didn’t remember any of that. 

“Pairs or shells?” 

“I’m really good at shells.” She was pretty sure she was. She won a lot. How much of that was down to Cole was a different matter. He was very good at it, and could blink the answer out. Was this another part of the reason her memory was getting so poor?

“Pairs. You can play pairs with Ingrid and Sera.” Anders raised his voice at the end, with the two women appearing as if by magic. Ingrid didn’t even look too senseless, which meant they’d been pranking rather than snogging.

The game had gone precisely as well as she could have predicted. Ingrid was practically in Sera’s lap, and neither had hands-on show. 

“Jen win’s again…yay.” She felt like it was an empty victory.

“Oi, you kept taking our turns!” Sera pulled away from gnawing on Ingrid’s ear.

“You were finger deep in Ingrid, like, the cards aren’t clean, I was just thinking about you not getting your new side piece ill from them.” Silence fell as Sera narrowed her eyes. Anders was busy glaring from across the deck. If they had an issue, they should have stopped them. 

“Are you saying the cards are dirty?” Connor peered from behind Anders. Heh, Connor liked to lick his fingers all the time while handling the cards, he was such a child.

“No, I mean how could cards that are kept in a boot and passed about and stored in other peoples boots be called dirty? I didn’t see anyone using one to get something out from between their teeth either.” She started to count off all the ways. “Oh - someone used one to slice through some cheese. Then there was the flicking all those maggots off the meat for fishing.”

“Jen.” Anders was properly giving her the evils now.

“What? It’s not like any of this was hidden.” In fairness, Connor had turned green. 

“Boss, stop teasing the lad, it’s not his fault you’re antsy,” Bull joined in. Where was Cole?

“I’m here,” Cole answered, stroking the back of her neck.

“I’m not antsy.” 

“You keep squirming, and it’s not for the normal reasons.” Bull scratched his horns.

“I do not.”

“You haven’t stopped moving since we started playing,” Sera looked up from Ingrid’s neck.

“Well, so what anyway.” She spread the cards out across the table again, ignoring them all. This wasn’t a bad plan, she could feel her memory stretching just to focus on the cards. 

“Oi, you can’t lay them like that!” Sera was utterly wrong. She could lay them any way she wanted to.

“I think what Sera is trying to say is, it works better if you have them face down, Boss.” Shit this was bad if Bull was being nice about shit.

“Tell me what you lot did that was so bad.” There, force the sneaky fuckers.

“Yeah, tell her, then we can all stop sneaking about like it’s not obvious,” Sera pulled away from Ingrid to add.

“Otherwise we’ll tell her anyway,” Ingrid chirped, swiping at her drink quickly.

“Everyone knows that Ingrid is only all over Sera to upset her family,” Cole glared at the unseen voice who piped up.

“Hardly, although I believe Sera deserves a frigging medal for putting up with Ingrid. I did have someone else in mind for her, like Dagna, but these two fit. They are like evil twins out for destruction and chaos.” She felt the urge to speak up. No stupid invisible person was going to malign the very openly affectionate couple in her presence.

“Yeah, you tell um Aldy,” there hadn’t even been a moment of concern from Sera. Probably because she still had her hand hidden under Ingrid’s robe. 

“Also, right I know Shoptopia is a pleasure palace, but there is one small child, and his mum is proper scary. You should probably be a bit more careful at Shoptopia.” There, boss duties done. There was stunned silence.

“Did Jen Her’ald just tell someone else to be careful?” Anders stared at her.

“Mary would have my guts for garters if I didn’t say anything, you know how she gets. Anyway - Sera I can tell you some of my tricks for getting around it. Firstly you need a sign-” Cole slapped his hand over her mouth.

“Too soon,” he hissed in her ear. What? “Bull and the Chargers were upset about the fumigation in the Rest.” Still? Cole nodded.

“I’ll not tell you about my sure-fire way of getting around it.” Wink. Sera smirked and nibbled on Ingrid’s ear, she got it.

Pairs. Place them down, slide them around, and start turning them over again. Eh - two greens, that would do.

“Stop cheating, you are only cheating yourself.”

“Anders, have you ever thought about what it would be like to not be a massive killjoy?” He spluttered. Good. Huh, the two greens from before turned over again—double match.

“I love you.” Cole murmured in her ear. 

“I love you too.”

Denerim was coming into view. Apparently - she was banned from clambering up into the crows nest to go look through the spyglass—something to do with only having a replacement foot and not a replacement body.

Like she would fall a second - “Third.” Thanks Cole, like she would fall a third time since being on deck. “Today.” Thanks Cole.

How much longer? How much longer would she have to deal with this shit? Cole, how much longer?

“Soon.” 

“Thanks, but that's not a time. Am I supposed to be putting my shit together to disembark?” 

“No. You are to stay in that seat. You are not to move. At all. You are staying in that seat until we dock.” Anders was being really stern with her, and it was totally unfair.

On a scale of one to unfair, it was a million. 

“Are we nearly there yet?”

“Yes.”

“Can I go get my stuff together?”

“No.”

“Why?”

“Because you have the balance of a one-legged stool.”

“Why?”

“Because you won’t stop to look where you are going, you just keep wandering in a daze.” 

Not even sighing was helping the time pass.

“Are we nearly there yet?”

“Yes.”

“When?”

“You can see the city even from here now,” Anders was such a jerk.

“How long?”

“Shut up?” Anders was glaring at her.

“I’m bored.” She wasn’t, she was anxious. OOOOOOOOOOOH.

“WE NEED A MEETING!” Anders was really glaring at her. Cole wasn’t standing between them, so it was alright by her book.

“Who needs a meeting?” Cole had his arms draped over her shoulders.

“We do. I have a game!” 

“What kind of game?” Anders was very suspicious.

“It’s called let's guess who someones are, while we are in Denerim.” She waggled her eyebrows. Because she remembered this bit. Bull sauntered into view carrying her bag, which was wrong because he shouldn’t be messing with her kit. Because he had teased her about the whole sex thing.

“Yo Bull, wanna play a game?” He looked at her all suspiciously like she was up to something, and she totally wasn’t.

“Is this the kind of guessing game where something bads going to happen, Boss?” Hmm, no because Cole would catch them regardless, right, Cole? 

“I will.” Thanks Cole.

“Sera will want in, and Krem should be here for it too. Connor shouldn’t be involved because he’ll be too busy with his parents…” She was musing aloud. 

“I am not in Denerim.” Connor was fooling himself and himself only thinking he could hide from his parents. 

“Yeah, Anders is shit at guessing too, so he’s out. I bet he has to go say hi to the Warden’s too. Should we bet on whether Howe is going to be waiting for him?” Cole squeezed her, as Anders was doing his best, not impressed face.

“Ten says she’s right,” Bull threw gold on the table. Wow, he really believed in her ability to bullshit.

“Twenty says not,” Sera had Anders purse out and threw twenty of his onto the table.

“Fifteen says Howe is but doesn’t want Anders,” Connor reached in Anders purse, without Anders frowning. Suspicious.

“Thirty says Anders has to go to Amaranthine while we are in Denerim.” She tilted her head back for Cole to throw the coins in for her. She’d given up carrying coin after the grief she’d been given about the Black Emporium.

“Five to say that Jen’s right,” Krem added his in.

“Ten for Jen to be wrong,” Ingrid tossed a ring in that looked very much like it was worth more than ten. They would have to look at making sure she got that back even if she lost. Cole squeeze gently.

“Have we finished discussing my untimely demise?” Anders was looking distinctly unimpressed.

“Yeah right, like Ali would let them doing anything to you while you’re playing guard dog to my health.” He shrugged cos she was right.

“He has a point though Boss, what's the game?”

“Alright fun game, lets play lets pretend that there are three Tevinter spies in Denerim trying to kill the King, and we’re going to catch them.” Connor was staring at her with his mouth open.

“Rrrright, is this something we should be playing at Boss?” Bull was such a killjoy too.

“Uh yeah, cos it’s a fun lets pretend game, and Cole won’t be playing because Cole will know who they are.” Sera was grinning at her.

“So it’s not pretend, Boss.” Bull was so literal at times.

“Well, let's just say we don’t know? And possibly. But it’s low-risk cos Ali has his own crack team of spy enthusiasts who will be on guard anyway. So this is a fun way to pass the time, all the time that you’ve explained I’ll have, because Alistair won’t be shagging me twenty-four seven, cos he has commitments ala his throne.” She’d really appreciated the lecture, from Ingrid of all people. Explaining how difficult it was running a Kingdom. If it wasn’t for the fact Sera had been out on a Jenny job, she’d have put it up to an epix prank lol jk.

“So what are the rules, of this let's pretend?” Bull was a dick.

“No abusing Cole, first one to catch one gets a special prize - like a favour they can ask and unless it goes against the terms of the contract they get it no questions asked. The second gets a new mount, and third gets the spies leg’s weight of gold. Special prize if someone catches all three, of like a paid vacation to anywhere in the known Thedas world we know, with spending money - or something of equivalent value that we can acquire.” The terms seemed fair and just.

“No abusing Cole.” She repeated just to make sure they understood that part. Everyone was staring at her.

“That means no asking Cole or using Cole to catch them.” Because they were still just being silent. Duh.

“That includes you?” Anders asked casually, seemingly recovering far quicker than the rest.

“Yes.” in all reality, she wasn’t planning on catching any of the spies. She was more curious to see who would be the better spy catcher. 

“Twenty on Krem catching the first one.” Ingrid threw another fancy ring in. Sera giggled. “And Sera catching the next two.” 

“Five on Jen catching one of them,” Connor added his coin in.

“Is anyone writing this down?” Because she certainly wasn’t. Stitches pulled out a list with scratches against it. She’d have to get Cole to keep track too, because the Chargers were very blase about keeping shit straight when it was in their favour.

“Two on the Chief catching one,” Krem grinned as Bull scoffed.

“Twenty on me catching two.” Bull was dreaming. In her humble opinion he’d catch none of them. Because he would be too busy sulking about Krem finding them.

“Ten on Krem catching the first one, ten on Sera catching one, and ten on Zev catching one.” Because as soon as they started, Zev would be on the hunt too, and she had more faith in the sneaky Zev than big Bulldog.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Here's hoping everyone is staying safe and relatively sane. 
> 
> Ali's in the next chapter!


	31. Tyger, Tyger

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Reunited with old friends, Shoptopia style.

She wasn’t going to ask why Adaar was there looking stern. Or why Mary was there with Jamie sat on her hip. Ali was also there, but he, unlike the other two adults, seemed very happy to see her. 

“Wait.” Anders had hold of her, she could totally make it across to the dockside, she didn’t need to wait for the gangway to go down. “Jen, I will personally thrash you alive if you attempt to jump across.”

“Bull could toss her,” Sera piped up. 

“Yeah he totally could, Ali would catch me.” If she said it with confidence, they might buy it. She wasn’t allowed to scream ALIIII either, because it was unseemly.

“My arms are feeling weak after the bashing from earlier…” Bull was still sulking about the fact only two of the Chargers had bet on him to catch a Tevinter spy. Ha.

“Krem could do it,” Krem was pretty strong. Krem was hunky strong too. Krem also had Maryden… Must remember the bard.

“Chief says no, sorry Jen,” Krem was a lovable scamp.

“It’s fine, I can do a running leap from here.” Or she could if Anders would let go of her body. Just because Cole was busy running through some stuff that needed a Coleish touch. She was deliberately not worrying too much about that.

“Hey is that a body?” Something had fallen in dockside. Cole waved at her from the dock. Yeah it had. Explains the Cole need. Anders had hold of her, she had no idea why, she’d not leant too far forward to peer at the body floating in the water. Oh - someone was fishing it out.

“Yeah, they’ll want to be checking out who that was…” Bull was looking faintly interested.

“Think they were for Ali or someone else?” Always best to ask.

“We can find out.” Bull didn’t sound too concerned.

“You think I should be worried?” She asked, ignoring Anders who was busy pulling at her dress.

“Yeah Boss, because you really are giddy today.” Krem hoiked her up into his arms. Ha. Screw Anders destroying her dress - oooh Ali was not looking happy about the arm thing.

“You should probably put her down, Alistair doesn’t look overly pleased,” Connor murmured into Krem’s ear. Rude. Although he wasn’t wrong now, they were almost touching the side. She could see he did not look happy.

“Yeah, I don’t think it’s because of Krem,” Bull stepped in front of her, and she was suddenly surrounded by rogue Chargers.

“Uh…”

“Adaar looks ready to kill too, Boss.” Oh shit.

“Mary is no longer on the dock,” Anders muttered softly.

“For me then?” She hadn’t done anything to upset anyone, much.

“Don’t know Boss, but that Spy Master of his is suddenly visible.” Shit. Not good at all.

There was the sound after another large splash. Followed by a lot of cursing and shouting.

“Now what?”

“Uh Cole is smiling and waving, and Zevran is yelling at some people,” Anders was keeping track for her like a boss. She should give him a pay rise.

There was a thunk as they hit the dockside. No one moved.

Another two splashes.

“Another body, and the anchor.” Bull sounded bored. She wasn’t fooled, she could see his hand on his weapon. He was primed and ready for a fight. 

“It’s all fine now,” Cole announced, hugging her tightly. She was suddenly very aware of how ready the Chargers were as she was pulled out of danger by Krem, and Cole had a lot of weapons pointed at him.

“Sweet. Can I see Ali now?” She tried to peer around Krem, but he wasn’t helping.

“No.” Bull sounded angry. Probably because Cole had crept passed them without them being aware. Bull didn’t like being shown up, even by Cole, who was a literal sneaking genius.

“They’re all dead now,” Cole was a boss.

“So who were they, and what did they want?” Because inquiring minds gotta know.

“Um…” Cole was about to lie. “I’m not,” he so was.

“Alistair would like Jen releasing into his custody now, and Adaar says that's ok, because they will be both in ours.” 

“Cole - Zevran wants to talk to you,” Alistair boomed. 

“ALISTAIRRRRRRRRRRRRR!”

“Jen we said not to yell…” Anders was such a bitch.

Did it have to take forever to get her off the boat and into Ali’s arms? Apparently yes. She could completely hear all the shouting and carrying on, though. 

It was worth it, she might do this every time, emerge like a bee from a flower. Ali couldn’t keep his eyes off her. It was like she was an icecream on a baking hot day, or a strawberry on pavlova. 

She still wasn’t allowed to jump into his arms, even when he was quite clearly going to catch her.

“Ali!” why the frig was she being shielded. “Connor - how am I supposed to hug Ali if we are both shielded?”

This was why she missed Ali, because he winked at her before getting all Kingly and making demands. She didn’t even get a kiss, or not a proper kiss where they ran out of air, just a short thirty-second one in the middle of the Chargers while Adaar growled at everyone. It was almost distracting, but then Ali did the thing with the tongue, and it was back to kissing.

Denerim was… If Kirkwall reminded her of nights out from her past, Denerim reminded her of her birth town. The higgledy-piggeldy passageways that she could get lost in with Cole. The overhanging buildings - she should probably warn them about what happened with the whole fire of London thing. She got it though, real estate was at a premium, you build up and out if you can. Just not with wood. Denerim could use the mining place too - Cole make a note.

Adaar gave them both a stern look, she had no idea why. “You’re crying,” Cole murmured into her ear. Ali wasn’t allowed to carry her back, so they’d been put in a carriage after the whole dead body thing. Still… 

“Do you think they’ll get the plague?” Adaar was now glaring at her.

“Jen, what plague?”

“Oh like, it was called the black death, it passed from person to person like mad thanks to poor sanitation and close contact. Thinking about the Great Fire of London made me think about it.” Honesty = best policy.

“You don’t need to worry,” Cole added, smiling at Adaar. Why? “She thinks we are going to be involved in a fire and a plague now.”

“Why?” better to ask aloud.

“Because when you start saying random things in places, it means that they are about to happen, or will happen at some point.” Adaar was so matter of fact about things.

“They do not.” Did they? What had she said that had come true. She’d been pretty good at keeping her mouth shut, hadn’t she?

“Adaar almost knows as much as I do,” Cole said happily, hugging her tightly. Mary gave them a fond look, or she thought it was a fond look. Jamie had opted to travel with his hero - the King.

“As does Mary,” Adaar added. 

“We did keep you away from dangerous people while you were struggling with your inside voice, dear.” Mary reached over to pat her hand. Gah the carriage got all blurry again.

“When we get somewhere private, we are having a chat.” Adaar glared at her.

“Who is we?” Cos she wasn’t chatting with just anyone.

“You, Cole, Alistair.” Adaar didn’t stop glaring.

“Oh well…” They could totally demand that it took place after she screwed Ali’s brains out.

How to screw Ali’s brains out, let her count the ways. On the throne - as a matter of course, in the stables on a horse. Perhaps on a donkey or an ass, then in the main room of brass. 

“That doesn’t rhyme,” Cole said, playing with her hair.

“I think you’ll find it does, I worked really hard to make it work. In fact from now on I’m just going to be a poet, who does know it.” Ha. She could wow people with her incredible verses.

“Hey Adaar, what do you think of this one?” Adaar hadn’t stopped glaring. “Alright, Tyger, Tyger, burning bright in the blah blah of the night.” Maybe not start with Wordsworth, not until they fixed her memory issue.

“It was Blake,” Cole helped.

“No, WB Blake was the other one, the “floating like a daisy on a cloud,” that one.” That didn’t sound right either. Neither did the glare that had turned into a frown or the look of concern from Mary.

“Has it gotten worse?” Who was Adaar addressing? Cole was keeping quiet, so perhaps her?

“I think so. I keep forgetting lots of things. And not deliberately.” Honesty = best policy.

“Forget,” Cole whispered. Who was Cole talking to? Oooh the eyes through the grate.

“We will talk about that later with Anders as well.” Adaar being here was enough to make her calm down a bit over the whole thing.

“Do you think-” Cole slapped his hand over her mouth.

“Later.”

Wasn’t that a conversation she was looking forward to. Let's count the ways she was insane. 

“Not insane, just recovering,” Cole whispered. It made her feel a little better, she was insane, though, she knew it. It was apparent every time any of them had that little look when she’d forgotten something.

“You’ll be glad to know we have a large supplies of wigs already, thanks to the notices sent out.” Adaar picked up a list, ugh they were going to talk business now. Right, fine.

“Great! Yay! Wooo!” Maybe if she tricked Adaar into thinking she was paying attention she’d hurry the frig up.

“We have to be back at Shoptopia in four weeks. That will give us enough time for you to deal with our guests before the paying ones arrive.” Adaar didn’t even lookup.

“Guests?”

“Yes,” Adaar answered. She’d missed the banter they had, Adaar was her best friend really, when all was said and done. Cole was her soul, and Ali her heart. That was a bit maudlin, even for her. Scratch that.

“Later,” Cole whispered, clearly not upset by being designated her soul.

“Right?” she was confused, why would they not be able to talk about the guests now?

“Forget,” Cole whispered in her ear, ooooh right, the whole they weren’t really alone yet.

“Anything else?” It was a scary question to ask, because it usually meant more Clemence demands.

“We’ve had a lot of interest from the catalogue. We need to hire more people on, Cadash has supplied us with a list of more people that require contracts.” Adaar made a small moue as she spoke.

“You know there are such things as job adverts?” She felt the need to help.

“Yes there are, but so far her suggestions have been highly beneficial,” Adaar said placidly. Perhaps she’d imagined the moue. 

“Don’t forget as well about Bianca, Herah dear,” Mary added.

“Oh yes, Bianca and Dagna have come to an arrangement. Thankfully it comes as the first level of excavation has been completed…” Adaar sighed. “Bianca has turned over all small items to Dagna, whilst retaining the rights to all of the larger items she develops wholly on her own. This does not include the ones from Jen Her’ald’s suggestions.” 

There was an awkward pause.

“And?” Because she was quite clearly missing something.

“Neither of them are talking to each other. Dagna has pointed out all the parts Bianca borrowed from existing suggestions. We have come to an arrangement as to percentages of splitting the future profits, but Dagna has an armed guard as a precaution.” That sounded a little more than an arrangement, even to her.

“Alright?” 

“It’s fine; apparently, Bianca just needs to let off some steam. Dagna isn’t worried, but Tippany is. Clemence has requested that Ingrid return as soon as she arrives back in Ferelden.” Oh - she was getting used to Ingrid now. Even if it was a bit weird watching her make out with Sera all the time.

“Does he know when we were due to arrive back?” Adaar looked up. “Not that I don’t want to make Clemence happy, obviously, but - Ingrid is with Sera and Sera wants to kill the dragon too.” And Sera should get to kill the dragon if she wanted to.

“We agreed that there would be no dragon killing,” Adaar was using her stern tone.

“Yeah, but we all know that just means you say no, and I do it regardless. It’s like, our thing, ya know.”

“No, no, I don’t.” Adaar totally did know.

“Ingrid has found a partner?” Mary asked.

“Yes, Sera, she’s lovely, done wonders for Ingrid’s self-esteem.” And her sex life. “Connor even lost his virginity on our trip too, you’ll see that he has also grown as a person, no longer the pampered prince.”

“Connor wasn’t a virgin,” Cole helped. Connor had totally been a virgin, and there was nothing wrong with it.

“He wasn’t,” Adaar added. Like she knew, it was pretty obvious the lad had been pent up.

“He wasn’t at all.” Even Mary was trying to convince her that Connor hadn’t been a pent-up pampered prince.

“Anyway, he’s completely relaxed now, other than when he isn’t. Oh and I learnt how to play a new card game.” Which was totally true, as long as she remembered it was whist and not whatever shitty name Connor kept calling it. She liked Rummy too, but it wasn’t played that often. 

“Moving on, Ingrid is needed back at Shoptopia, for Tippany’s sake if nothing else. I don’t understand what Ingrid did to Clemence, but whatever it was, he believes she increased productivity. Perhaps she does, he spends a lot of time explaining why she needed to return.” The last part was muttered.

“Well, I’m making the executive decision to say, no, not until the rest of us return.” There she was being a big boss.

“I’ll let Shok know that’s what you want,” Adaar had a small smirk on her face. Hmm. Not a good sign.

“Anything else?”

“The kitchen staff were greatly received. Dagna has decided to play about recreating cheaper versions of some of the items to sell, fifty-fifty profits.” That seemed fair.

“Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaanything else?” Because she didn’t need Cole stroking the back of her neck to tell her that, a) Adaar and Mary shouldn’t be here, and 2. they weren’t telling her something.

“Later.” Why? “Forget.” Oooh yeah, the whole need for a private conversation. That would explain it.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The unposted version has passed 100k. Whoop. Also next chapter is Ali smut *waggles eyebrows* and stay safe people!


	32. Thrones

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Finally Ali sex

Who ’d’veWho’d’ve thought that a throne would prove to be one of the best places to have sex? Everyone who’d ever bought a throne, probably. They were currently stopped, well, he was busy throbbing away inside of her as they both caught their breath.

“We should cut a hole out of the bottom of the seat,” her fingers were busy threading through his chest hair. Gods she’d missed him.

“They’d kill me.” Alistair was exaggerating. “You know this was an heirloom piece that was saved from destruction three times over, they would flay me alive.”

“How about if I explained why?” He flexed underneath her, ugh, she was trying to think, and he was being very sexy.

“No minx, you may not try and explain to the people who this matters to, all the reasons why you should be allowed to desecrate their symbol… No more than we are currently at any rate,” he said it, but then he nipped at her neck, and it was like everything he was saying was invalidated.

“But?” Gods she loved it when he nibbled on her ear, she had very sensitive ears.

“We can get another throne made, with a hole in, if it means so much to you.” It really did.

“Love you, I mean, I really like you.” Shit that had slipped out.

“Love you too.” His arms wrapped around her in a no longer sexy way. They were more… loving? Could a touch go from sexy to loving without changing anything at all? Bleargh the room was all misty, and her nose was sniffling, damn allergies.

It was ridiculous, she’d had it all planned, they would kill a High Dragon, she’d proclaim her love, then they would have sex on it, with a blanket because as Cole had rightly pointed out, dragon scales could be sharp.

“I do love you,” there she’d said it again. “I just wanted to tell you in a different way the first time, although I guess you inside of me while we defile the throne isn’t bad?”

“The first time you said it, you were so high on all the potions and pain relief that they had to keep giving you, that you thought you were talking to the Queen of England, whoever that is. You’ve told me repeatedly while we were at Shoptopia, and you’ve told other people too.” Alistair thought he was being very smooth, whispering it into her ear to distract her.

“I don’t think so.” Because she would have remembered.

“You did my minx.”

“I really don’t - eep!” He thrust up, he felt so right inside of her.

“Minx,” he whispered. Fuck she loved him.

“Love you,” it was freeing.

“Love you too,” he showed it as he thrust over and over and over again, filling her to the brim with his love.

Thrones really were the best.

Alistair’s bed was also pretty great. Had he always had manacles in the frame?

“Hey, did you get these put in for me?” She tugged on her left arm, letting it clang.

“Maybe?” He was busy prodding at the fire, she had no idea why. “Adaar said she will be by first thing for the chat.”

“Do you know what it’s about?” Maybe she was feeling warmer. He had excellent ideas.

“Probably about the fact we have all been receiving worrying letters from you, and Cole.” He didn’t sound too concerned. But also his back was tenser than usual.

“What?” She hadn’t sent any worrying letters.

“Cole’s leaving, you crying on a letter to Adaar. The letter to me that Cole wrote, and the news you have the mirrors. It seemed appropriate to have a meeting, all of us. That does mean Cole, too,” he said softly.

“I don’t think -” what letter that she’d cried on.

“Anders will be there for the second half,” Alistair shrugged his shoulders before turning to smile at her. She loved his smile.

“Memory issues are getting worse, minx.” He captured her foot with his big warm hands, gently stroking them.

“I know, Cole says not to worry too much though,” because he had said that. She was ignoring the look Alistair was giving her. Cole had said not to worry too much, now granted Cole lied to make her feel better about lots of things. Like when he’d lied about the others stealing her Kaylee dress because it was stained - and not because Ingrid had worn it to pretend to be her and then promptly ripped it. Which is why when she’d been reunited with Alistair, she was not wearing the Kaylee dress. Because it was still being “cleaned” and not being remade, would it still work when it was an entirely new item of clothing? She’d have to test it.

What else had Cole lied about recently? The whole trip out of Kirkwall - although that was more not talking about it rather than telling her about what had actually happened. They’d managed to distract her during the journey, and she’d let them. She’d let them because she could then guilt trip for something else later. A little “you say you love me” guilt trip. She missed being able to watch things when she wanted to.

“Minx, come back to me,” Alistair was busy stroking the bottom of her foot. It was nice he wasn’t averse to touching the horrificness that was her ankle-foot.

“Sorry love, I am, I promise.” His smile lit up the room, but she could see something lurking behind it.

“Do you need out?” He nodded at her arms that were still attached to the bed, but she didn’t. She kinda liked being anchored down, a weight to keep her here. 

“No, thank you,” or maybe she should. Maybe she should want to be out of the chains because chains should be traumatising her. But she liked them, she liked the way they felt against her skin, she liked how she could release them with a flick of her fingers. Or just pull her wrists free - he’d not liked it when she did that, something about not wanting her to have to replace her hands.

“Want to talk?” He’d moved to sit on the edge of the bed, lifting her legs, so they lay across his lap, his fingers still soothing her skin.

“About what?” What - why was he giving her the disbelieving look.

“About the letters, or anything else?” He pressed a kiss on her hip—his stubble grazing in the best way.

“I don’t know what letters you’re talking about, but you can carry on kissing me,” because she really liked the kissing, he was very good at it.

“Are you lying minx?” He lifted her legs up, repositioning on the bed between her, staring up at her. She could feel his breath on her mound, and he wanted her to speak. She shook her head.

“You really don’t know what I’m talking about?” He watched her as his mouth dipped to mere millimetres from her needy lips.

“No - please don’t tease,” she could hear herself begging.

A pillow made its way to her side, she wasn’t sure where it had come from, but he slid it under her hips, parting her legs to spread her wide open in front of him. She couldn’t even reach down to run her fingers through his hair, or cup her breasts, or touch other than clasping and releasing at the manacles.

Gods he knew the a b c d method, she knew this - did she - brain failure. 

“Tell him what letters,” a voice whispered in her ear. What. “He’s spelling something, tell him what he’s spelling.

She couldn’t tell, she could feel his tongue stroking and sliding, lapping at her core, but it was too much, too much too much. 

“Focus, focus on the letters,” the voice was soft and loving, hands brushing the hair out of her eyes, off her hot and sweaty brow.

“L” she could make out an L, even if it was a fancy L, “O” she liked O it circled with his broad tongue sweeping completely, he could O all he wanted, and she wouldn’t complain. She wouldn’t complain about any of it. 

“You’ve missed some letters,” the voice was hushed, a hand running over her neck, how did it know she liked that, needed it.

“A L I” she focused, she did, she was trying, but then he’d slid his fingers into crook, and it was like the world exploded for the second or third time, and she lost it again.

“L O V E S” she could focus on that, she could remember that, after the O came a V the V that had dipped inside of her, then the E, he should try the lower case, but she liked how he’d drifted back over again on the backwards strokes. He’d returned the S three times before lifting off, but O still was a better letter. 

“Almost, so close,” the voice nuzzled her ear, not like Ali, but affectionate.

“P E N” He’d misspelt, but she like P better than J. P circled, P was superior letter.

“Altogether, so close,” a hand wrapped around her throat, comforting as she strained against them both.

“A L I L O V E S P E N” his thumb, entering her back passage toppled her over the edge again, the world exploding into stars, a mouth on hers breathing for her, capturing her sounds so that she didn’t scream.

It was warm, comforting, being pinned between Ali and Cole, wrapped tightly as she woke for the morning. The night had been a blur of heat, pleasure, sex… so much sex. 

“Morning…” Ali pulled her into a long kiss, ignoring the awful morning breath she must have, he tasted of mint.

“He got up and washed and then came back to bed,” Cole nuzzled her neck. 

“That’s cheating,” should she be complaining. No. No, she should not.

“Mhmm, I never promised not to cheat,” that was true, in fact they hadn’t set up any rules at all, they should do something about that after he finished destroying her again, for the nth time. 

Knock.

“Ignore it, the suns up, the birds are singing, we have time,” right, her fingers were tangled in Ali’s hair pulling him back down to her lips, because she really didn’t want to have to deal with the real world anymore. She had Ali, she had Cole, what else did she need?

Knock. Knock.

Ali tweaked her nipple lightly, making her gasp. Cole was not helping either with his hair brushing techniques.

“We don’t have time for you to wash it,” Cole mumbled into her ear, gods her ears were very sensitive this morning. How much had they done last night? “A lot.” That’d explain the aching in her body.

Knock. Knock. Knock. Then the door started to creep open.

“OCCUPIED FOR FUMIGATION!” that’ll scare them off. Or not, bloody Adaar.

“It’s almost midday, the King asked for some time, it has been more than some…” Adaar was followed into the room by Mary, with Zevran close behind.

“I’m naked!” Maybe if she tried to shame them, then they’d leave so she could shag Ali again.

“They won’t,” Cole bit her ear lobe.

“Cole that’s hardly helping,” Ali grinned, nipping at her other. Fuck she loved them both.

“It’s nothing we all haven’t seen plenty of times,” Adaar didn’t look overly impressed. “Cole - I trust you will keep an ear out for any listeners.”

It wasn’t even a question. 

Another knock at the door, before Mary, opened it with a smile.

“If you could just sort out the bath dear, I wouldn’t look towards the bed.” Oh for… Connor, Connor was making a bath for her, which was great but also - she wanted to have sex, she did not want to see semi family members, or evil CEO’s who demanded the destruction of her sex drive for sinister reasons.

“Don’t glare at me,” Adaar warned. What was she going to do? Actually probably best not to test her on that. Probably best not to test her at all, because Mary was scary for Mum reasons, but Adaar was scary because she could walk out and leave no one in charge, which no one wanted.

“Afternoon Cole, Jen…” Connor was a cheeky beggar, but he hadn’t looked away from the bath once because he respected her or something.

“He doesn’t want to see you naked more than he has to, like he doesn’t want to see Ingrid naked.” Cole hummed happily.

“Yes, also can you tell her she has to return to work? Because Adaar says that Clemence wants her back, and I can’t see any reason why she would need to stay with us,” Connor groused.

“Because if she goes, then Sera will go, and Sera deserves to kill a High Dragon.” She’d explained this, she was pretty sure.

“But you said there were more than one more High Dragon,” Connor was being a bitch again.

“There are, but we’re going to kill one as soon as we leave Denerim, so why should she have to wait. Are you Elfist?” He splashed her without looking. “Oi - you got me wet!”

“Stop tormenting Connor,” Mary used her disappointed voice.

“He started it,” it was so unfair.

“And I’m stopping it, apologise to Connor, and Connor apologise too,” Mary was mean.

“Sorry Connor…” not really.

“Sorry.” Connor sounded so grudging. 

“For now, Ingrid will be remaining, I understand that you are upset by this Connor, but you are free to return to Shoptopia now if you wish, there is a group heading back first thing in the morning,” Adaar said. She hadn’t said they weren’t killing a dragon.

“I want to kill a High Dragon too, and Mother would never forgive me if I left without visiting them.” Connor hadn’t mentioned his father, but then from all accounts he still felt hella guilty towards his father so that might be it.

“There won’t be any dragon killing,” Adaar said as if she could dictate what a King did in his free time.

“Yeah, there won’t be, it’s going to be a High Dragon we kill, keep up,” she couldn’t help herself. Alistair pinched her beneath the covers.

“Behave, minx,” followed by his finger sliding between her legs. Like that was going to help.

“Alistair,” Mary was using her disappointed tone. The finger was removed, and the hand was suddenly on top of the covers. Ugh.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Yeah so... let's just blame general climate for me messing up by posting a day later than my established 3-day cycle, and not because on a Wednesday I'm busy doing dnd stuff (even though half the time I post in the morning and dnd is in an evening) and also I wrote a HP fic for the Milly verse - which isn't a long fic yay so yeah. Anyway excuses made, I'm a terrible person ;)


	33. Interrogations

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Reckoning day

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So... Yes, this is was overdue. Mainly because I was dithering about posting it. Anyway I'll put a tldr at the start of the next chapter which will be posted almost immediately. So you don't have to read you can just skip and you aren't missing out on anything but like the longer version. 
> 
> However plotwise it says she has to answer some questions - oh and at the bottom I will link the letter Ali refers to which I did for a friend. It's an audio thing and will eventually be a not just purely audio but effort amirite. I will be updating the tags before chapter 35 too, cos it gets raunchy.

Anders had appeared as Connor was leaving, they... They touched. What. What was going on there?

“Are you shagging Connor?” Because - that touch was definitely not a casual friends touch, that was a checking in touch. The sort of touch Cole did with her, or she did with him.

Alistair kissed her on the forehead while Anders was busy glaring at her.

“Yes, they’d started before they left to go on the grand tour,” Adaar sounded bored.

“Excuse me?”

“It wasn’t serious, but if you must know, we’ve decided to make it more serious.” Anders was still glaring at her. Why.

“But - you slept with someone else on the boat across to Kirkwall.”

“And I was also undergoing therapeutic sessions with you too, yes. Connor was also seeing other people at this time. We decided after it became apparent that Sera and Ingrid were becoming more… involved that we also would attempt to do the same. Is there any problems with this?” He was very challenging all of a sudden.

“No, other than - you could have told me!”

“We did. Twice.” Did they? Did she know about this?

“You did know, you were thrilled the first time, the second you teased Connor relentlessly.” Cole purred in her ear.

“Which brings us to the reason why I’m here. It’s getting worse, we are aware. While Cole was away, it got worse. Cole returning hasn’t slowed this down.” Anders wasn’t addressing her, he was addressing everyone. Which made sense, because he might have already had this chat with her and she’d forgotten.

“She has no idea about the letters either,” Alistair said. She was sat in the bath as he was sat next to it. Cole had fought him off for the job washing of her hair, which she would have preferred Alistair to because Ali didn’t pull her hair as much, not that Cole did. Love Cole. 

“Do you remember writing the letters?” Adaar asked.

“I don’t know what you’re both talking about, what letters?”

“You sent me a letter telling me that Cole was leaving Shoptopia, and that you couldn’t cope,” Adaar said slowly.

“I did?” She didn’t remember writing that.

“Or the letter where Cole transcribed for you what you were saying, all of it?” Alistair asked, watching her carefully.

“No. But that does sound like Cole,” because it did.

There were a lot of looks between people that weren’t her. Well when they decided what they wanted to say they could let her know. Because until that point, she was going to enjoy the afterburn of her muscles and the soothing motion of Cole brushing her hair - brushing not plaiting.

The water was warm, lovely and silky. Her legs kept sliding together, had they used special oils?

“It’s honey and salt,” Cole murmured in her ear.

“That’s nice,” because it was.

“It’s your favourite,” Cole agreed humming happily.

“It is, it’s nice that other people know that, though.” 

“You did ask for them to make it into a flavour,” Cole dipped her hair below the water and she could feel her tresses flow. Maybe she should be Ophelia. Have her hands clasped across her chest and a serene expression on her face. Alistair looked like Narcissus staring down into the water like a Greek God.

She could vaguely hear more chatting above the water, but it was comforting under the sea. Under the sea, under the sea… Maybe she could be Ariel, was she Ariel? Had she lost her voice and needed the Prince to love her so she could remain on land forever? Had this been her quest?

Cole lifted her back out to the sound of hushed whispering.

“I think before we go any further, we need to address the brood mother in the room,” Alistair said. Mary looked confused, she was very lucky to have no idea what a brood mother was.

“Right, the name.” Adaar stepped in front of the bath, lifting her out in one go, wrapping her up tightly in a soft cotton towelling thing. It was comforting.

“We are all aware now that your name isn’t Jen Her’ald.” Alistair took the lead like the true King of Scotland he was. He’d have done really well in a kilt, bit of blue face paint on his face, no one would have been able to resist, they’d’ve surrendered immediately.

“Pen?” Adaar sat her in the towel next to Mary, who wrapped her in a big hug.

“She’s drifting,” Cole announced.

“Pen, your real name is Pen and not Jen Her’ald or Kaylee,” Adaar said it like it was a statement. It’d been a while since she’d called herself Pen, a long while. It was odd hearing it again after so long.

“It’s her shortened name,” Cole answered for her, because she, Pen was enjoying the motherly hug from Mary who kept rubbing her hands up and down her - Pen’s back. It’d been even longer since she’d been hugged by a mother.

“Is it her real name?” Alistair was gentle with his question, but even in the haze of motherly affection, she could hear the need for an actual answer.

“My full name is Penelope,” Penelope, that was odd to say. 

“Never the P E N N Y,” Cole added. She was grateful, because never again could she hear that. It’s why she hadn’t been Jenny Her’ald. That and other reasons. Like it wouldn’t piss off the old wolf as much when he turned up.

“Penelope what?” Adaar was strict, but she looked pleased, perhaps lying so long had been upsetting to the people she called family.

“Penelope is good for now, surely?” Because she wasn’t ready for the rest of it yet.

“You need to share,” Cole answered for the rest of them. Why, why did she have to, wasn’t this enough? “The knot, you need to.”

“Penelope St John,” she didn’t see the need to do this.

“Penelope Sinjin?” That actually was pretty good, Alistair had an ear.

“Penelope Eleanor St John, if we want to go into full names,” which she really didn’t want to.

“Helena,” Cole was helping.

“Penelope Eleanor Helena St John, there!” If Mary hadn’t hugged her extra tightly, she would have smacked Cole at that point.

“The third.”

“Girls don’t get the third at the end of their names,” Cole was seriously pushing it.

“You were the third daughter, your elder sister was the second and the eldest was the first.” Well, yes. Now the others weren’t staring at her like she was some rich bitch because she hadn’t been, which had been part of the whole problem, to begin with. Because when people were being kidnapped, they went with the idiot with the longest most pretentious name, not the one with actual money.

“Pen,” Cole wrapped her and Mary up in a big hug.

“We think maybe using your real name might help with the memory issue, that it might help to remind you of who you are more,” Anders piped up, no longer looking as annoyed as he had before.

“Right?” 

“Because you’re acting like a spy, but all the time with no one but Cole to anchor you.” Adaar took over.

“Jen Her’ald wasn’t an act,” because she wasn’t.

“It was a brand name, Cole explained it to us. Like the Randy Dowager is a brand name,” Mary stroked her back.

“And Kaylee, is someone you like to pretend to be, as a fantasy thing,” Alistair added.

“Thank you, Alistair,” Mary used her mum voice.

“You don’t have to talk about why you don’t refer to yourself by a name beyond Jen, but it might help.” Anders sounded like a doctor.

“He is a doctor of sorts,” Cole hummed.

“Yes but not that kind of doctor, more like a healer than a doctor.” Anders was now giving her the eye again.

“Cole doesn’t disagree,” Adaar pointed out. Like she had to. It was pretty apparent that Cole wanted her to spill the beans as to what had happened, but really now?

“Yes now,” he said it with the air of someone who knew her best. “I do.”

“I was kidnapped. And then I came here, and I haven’t called myself anything but Jen since.” There that would do.

“You were more than kidnapped,” Adaar kept her voice the same, which was great. Because the last thing anyone needed was Adaar being all soppy.

“Your scars, and the things under your skin came from while you were kidnapped?” Anders was speaking, but Ali wasn’t. He was just watching. Why wasn’t he saying anything?

“Because he knows more than the others,” Cole whispered. How? “Because he does.”

“Some of it I pieced together, I am a Warden after all. You know my history too, or most of it. I recognised the buckle scars, and the feel of some of the objects well… horse nails or something like.” He didn’t look happy saying it. “I’m not mad at you,” it was like he could read her mind.

“You were tortured,” Adaar said it so matter of factly that she, Pen, Penelope could accept it.

“A bit. Off and on, not all the time, because the human body is a weak thing and it fails really easily after a bit.” Mary was stroking her back, and Cole was pressed up tightly.

“How long?” Anders asked in the way he’d asked about all sort of medical issues.

“I don’t really know, a while.” Because she should answer, and it would get it over and done with.

“A while being like a piece of string. An estimate?” Adaar didn’t sound accusing, just matter of fact. She, Pen, Penelope, could deal with that.

“I’ve been here for how long?” Cole, how long had she been in Thedas for now?

“Almost four years,” Cole answered. He sounded proud, she had no idea why this was nothing to be proud of.

“So I’m what, 35?” She was pretty sure she was 35 now. He nodded, she could feel him nodding against her back.

“I was kidnapped on a night out when I was, 19? 20?” she couldn’t remember which, it’d been a long time. “I was out with a gang, and I was not the intended target, my friend was, Kelly. But they got the wrong person, so they had me who didn’t have the family who could pay the ridiculous ransom demand. And Kelly’s family - well, I got a teary phone call from Kelly to say her family were refusing and that they felt it was my fault for getting caught in the first place.” Hadn’t that been an absolute kicker.

Not even an apology, from Kelly either. Not a sorry you were taken in my place.

“I was lucky, they explained it, I should have been killed because they didn’t need me.” She’d half been expecting it even, the meal she ate and then she’d fall asleep because they said she’d been good about the whole thing. What was she supposed to have done, tried to escape? 

“They would have killed you if you’d tried.” Cole agreed.

“They would have done, they explained the rules very carefully. No lying, no escaping, no speaking unless spoken too.” She’d stuck to those rules too. They’d fed her, hadn’t touched her at all, made sure she was able to get clean. Clothed her, and all the while knowing they’d messed up. 

“How long did they have you for?” Adaar asked, it was as if she’d been nominated as spokesperson for the group.

“Not long. A couple of weeks. They knew in the first day that they would be unlikely to recoup their losses.” She liked them, they’d been nice.

“Pen, they weren’t nice to you,” Cole said very carefully. 

“Cole, they were better than Rusty.” She hadn’t said that name in a very long time. 

“Who was Rusty?” Adaar asked. 

Did she really want to get into Rusty now? Did she ever want to get into Rusty? Prodding that name was very much like poking a dead bit of flesh which was funny because she was pretty much that way.

“You aren’t, but you need to tell other people and now,” Cole was insistent.

“We can talk about Cole having to leave later, but I think perhaps you do need to talk about Rusty.” Adaar was also insistent.

Rusty… Rusty was a good chunk of her life.

“You need to say it aloud,” Cole whispered.

“I was sold to Rusty after they decided they didn’t need to kill me. Sold to Rusty who wanted someone to experiment on. Rusty taught me how to survive long periods alone.” There was silence from the room. “It wasn’t bad all the time, there were periods where when he left me alone, I was able to recover and relax for any given value of the word relax. I spent a year in my later twenties while he was off doing gods know what with poor unfortunate souls. But he always returned. I was special, everyone likes to be special right.” No. She still felt very numb about it.

“Anyway, someone discovered he wasn’t living alone in the house and informed the council - tax collectors and they were sent round to investigate, and he disposed of me.” Disposed that sounded fun and not tragic at all.

“How?” Adaar didn’t change her tone, and she, Pen, Penelope loved her a bit for that.

“Uh, you know what a whirlpool is?” Because Adaar wasn’t a pirate and she might not.

“Yes.” 

“Well, he borrowed a boat and took me out near to one and threw me in.” Like a used battery or a spider down the plug. “And that was that,” pretty much. She’d woken up at the bottom of a waterfall pool. She’d managed to pull herself out to the edge and found some clothes. That had been fun. 

“That was that?” Adaar didn’t sound any different.

“I was like this. Mainly,” which wasn’t a lie.

“Cole?” Alistair asked so much in the one word and she almost hated him for it.

“It helped.” She still felt numb to it, though. Like it happened to someone else.

“What do you prefer to be called?” Adaar asked very carefully.

“Pen is fine,” because Penny was forever tainted. She’d liked Penny though, but she couldn’t hear it without hearing Rusty. “Penny, call me Penny, all the time.” She wasn’t going to let that ratfink bastard destroy her life.

“Cole?” They were looking at Cole.

“It helps.”

“Penny, you can talk to any of us about what happened,” Mary was still stroking her back.

“I know, but I probably won’t. Or not yet?” Because it didn’t feel real. It hadn’t felt real at any point. The most real she’d felt was meeting Cole and from then on, the world had become tangible again. 

“Is it better to just carry on now or do you need to take a break?” They were all watching her.

“What else do we need to talk about?” Because she wasn’t happy about what they had talked about already. 

“You and Cole,” Adaar replied.

“They want to talk about why I’m leaving and the other…” Cole sighed softly. 

“Cole needs to go join the Inquisition for a bit, because they’ll need him. But he’ll return,” she, Penny said. No Pen, Penelope. 

“I will return,” Cole agreed.

“Why do you have to leave in the first place?” Adaar didn’t sound too happy about it.

“Because of what the Inquisition will be facing, without Cole, they will most likely fail and then pretty much guarantee everything else fails.” She felt much happier about this topic. Even if the others didn’t, going off the soft curses from all but Mary. Mary was classy and didn’t curse at all.

“How do you mean?” Alistair asked, with Zevran moving from the corner of the room.

“They’ll have a task which will see them pitted against a demon which can take over their body if they fail. Cole will make sure they come out the other side. If they don’t then… well we have to kill the herald. Which as you can guess will be fucking awesome.” 

“Can we kill the demon?” Alistair hit the nail on the head. It’s something her and Cole had chatted about a lot.

“We think - me and Cole, that it’s probably a fixed point, like the whole sky doing its thing. That we could kill the demon but we don’t think that will do much in the grand scheme of things, in fact it might do something a whole lot worse.” Which was true. Potentially.

“Explain, please, Penny.” Adaar cut across Alistair.

“Well - Cole can help me out here. So what happens is that the Inquisition go and find this big demon, that tries to mess with the Inquisit-” 

“Herald,”

“The Herald’s head, but from there they then gain the unwavering loyalty of the people she will - they will need to support them, which is great right. Also they learn some stuff they’ll need for later on. It’s also like when I practised a lot with the dagger and then I dinged and levelled up and spent the points in something more useful.” 

“What?” They were looking at her like she was odd again.

“It doesn’t work like that, we keep talking about it.” Cole was stroking her hair, but it did work like that.

“I want us to have a chat about this levelling thing later, but carry on about the Inquisition and the Inquisitor.” Alistair took back over again.

“Alright, so at the moment the Inq is still pretty new and novice - please don’t tell Ingrid I said that, she can never know. But this demon attack will be something that forges their metal so to speak. Like you and any of the trials you faced saving the world from the Blight,” she sighed happily. He was her big damn hero. She was also pleased to see that a light went on.

“And if she doesn’t face it, then she won’t have the same confidence or knowledge to face bigger things. Because if you and Cole are pretty relaxed about the Demon when you were almost catatonic in the days leading up to the Conclave, you must know something bigger is going to happen.” Alistair said without judgement.

“Yes.”

“We should be torturing you to get every jot of information out of you,” Adaar glared at Alistair. But Penny understood, she did. Because he had his country to look out for. 

“He’s not going to, look at him,” she needed to stand up for her man.

“Herah dear, Cole would never allow it.” Mary ever the voice of reason.

“So do we need to be worried about what happens after the Demon?” This was where she was very unsure of what to say or not to say.

“The invasion,” Adaar muttered, with Alistair nodding.

“But you aren’t worried about it for us.” He said. Penny didn’t want to agree or disagree.

“But it’s going to be bad for someone,” Adaar added.

“Clemence has been making more health potions, right?” Because she knew she’d left info in for that to be a thing that happened.

“Yes, we now have two stock rooms full of the things.” Adaar moved to lean against the fireplace. “How bad is it going to be, and can we do anything?”

“Fixed point, another it has to happen moment. It unlocks something and sets the Inquisition on a path that leads to something bigger.” There were not such faint curses.

“I’m going to be there to help,” Cole added.

“How? And can we send others to help?” Cole, could they? He gave a small shrug. It was another thing they’d chatted about casually over her hair. How could they do anything, other than let it happen, but then she’d not taken into account Ali in all of this?

“Not for the Demon, or not beyond helping - actually yes. We can help that way, so the Inquisition is going to be all, we need help convincing the Templar-” The not so faint cursing turned into full-on exclamations.

“The Templars have a Demon issue?” Alistair asked. She was going to assume it was an ask and not a demand because he had better manners than that.

“Sort of?”

“Penny.” 

“Alright - so the current head honcho is really an Envy demon wearing the man's face. Anyway -”

“You can’t just say that and move on!” Adaar was scratching at her horns like mad and Alistair had his mouth open, which she sort of liked because he had a very nice mouth that did lovely things.

“What more do you want me to say?” Cole, this was daft they wanted answers and now were busy interrupting her as she was giving them.

“They want reassurance,” he answered her.

“Alright, so the head honcho of the Templars is an Envy demon.” What more could she say? “The Inquisition will turn up, the Inq will confront them and have a battle that goes on inside of her head - which is where Cole comes in. Inq will be like - I am the master of my own destiny or something other that sounds pretty cool. Envy gets kicked out. So then there will be a big fighting thing - more people will help here, so you could - I’ll come back to that. Anyway, it turns out that they were experimenting on their own people - the Templars not the Inq, tho who knows right?” Religious organisations were known for pulling shit like that.

“How do you mean, experimenting?” Zevran asked, for the first time so far.

“Well, you know lyrium?” they just looked at her. “And you know there’s this red lyrium stuff?” They continued to look at her. “Well, that stuff. It grows on people or in people and makes them all weird.” 

“We’ve been destroying all deposits we’ve come across, as has the Kings forces and according to Varric as has the Inquisition,” Anders spoke up.

“Yeah well there is lots of the shit, they’ve been farming it off corpses. Have I told you about a cool mine in Orlais we should be using?” 

“What is it with you and this mine?” Anders asked. 

“Penny, what is it with the mine?” Adaar was looking like she didn’t want to ask that question.

“Well, say the enemy wanted to exploit resources and a person was willing to sell off their people one by one?” Cole had talked about needing to fix the mine issue and she understood. It was appalling what had happened, but they weren’t in a position to do anything about it. Or not really.

“We need the mine, don’t we.”

“Well either to fix Kirkwall’s walls, or rebuild Denerim, so it’s less wood - honestly Ali, one good blaze and half the city will go up.”

“She doesn’t know it will happen, but she fears it might because of the Great Fire of London,” Cole added quickly.

“Penny, we need to know. How do you know any of this?”

“Um, it’s tough to explain.”

“Are you the Maker? Or Andraste sent down to aid us?” Mary asked while she was hugging her hard.

“I wish, because then I could shoot laser beams out of my eyes, right?”

“I don’t remember laser beams being on the list of things that the Maker could do, or what a laser-beam is.” Alistair had trained as a Templar so he should probably know more than anyone else here.

“I mean I haven’t struck anyone down dead with lightning, that would be cool though right. Pointing at someone and going I smite you, and sending lightning their way.” Maybe that’s what all-weather mages were, mini Makers sent down to smote and smite with gay abandon.

“No.” Cole bit her ear.

“Ow!”

“You were getting silly,” he kissed it better, though, which invalidated his previous critique in her eyes.

“Penny?”

“Yes Ali,” Penny Penny Penny, it was like it had no meaning yet. Just a word, a bad one.

“How do you know all of this?”

“I just do, and I don’t really know it, it’s just I’ve seen it and Cole is the one who can tell what I did see.” Because that was a true and accurate account of what happened between them.

“Do you still see things, or have you finished seeing them?” That was an interesting question. Because she still saw things but not how Alistair meant. 

“I can tell you what's going to happen for the next few years on a macro scale, but not as much on a micro one.” 

“We need to get Dorian,” Cole added.

“We do!”

“Who is Dorian?” Oh, cos they’d started to talk about Dorian a lot, because he would be key to her issue.

“He is a Tevinter necromancer who the Inq is ninety-nine per cent definitely going to reject, like Sera because of the whole Tevinter mage thing. He’s not a Magister, or not yet at any rate. He’s an Alterboy.” 

“Altus,” Cole helped.

“Anyway, we’ve been talking, we think we need him to work with Anders for my issue…”

“Which brings us nicely to that issue. Are you dead?” Anders was blunt.

“No?” She wasn’t sure.

“No?” Anders asked. Ali wasn’t all “grr I’m going to kill you evil zombie” at her, so it was all good.

“I bleed?” 

“Is it your own body, or are you like Cole?” Adaar asked because Ali wasn’t saying anything again, but he also wasn’t tense.

“Because he knows,” Cole whispered in her ear. Mary hadn’t let her go either.

“It’s my body,” because she needed to say that, “The one I was born in like a normal child. You know screaming out of my mother's womb. Youngest daughter, biggest name. It’s just that, we - me and Cole, think maybe I’m not alive either.” Which came as not a shock to any of them. She could tell, even without Cole agreeing.

“She is alive with the bits she remembers to use, and not with the bits she forgets.” Cole helped because she couldn’t describe it. She didn’t feel dead, because she didn’t. But she also didn’t feel alive either.

“Cole?” Alistair was watching Cole now.

“No one will tell,” well she could have answered that for Ali. What was the point of having this meeting with these people if they thought any of them would tell?

“Dorian should be able to help with Anders. Cole thinks that if I can start using some bits again, then I should get them back?” That was right, wasn’t it?

“Like your memory.” Anders sounded so factual, but he was wrong. The memory was an issue, but Cole was more worried about something else.

“Like the ability to eat.” They both said at the same time.

“You eat,” there was a pause as Doctor Anders said the words. “You don’t eat.”

“Not for a long while. I ate a couple of apples, occasionally I chewed on some bread, but it was better that way. Especially when I first arrived and was stuck in the middle of nowhere. I just didn’t. And I carried on not eating. But Cole thinks it’s important to eat, but it won’t happen now. So we are hoping Dorian and Anders can work together to fix it.”

“Everyone out,” Alistair clapped his hands together and started to herd the others to the door. Cole kept her where she was.

“We can talk more in the morning, but I need to spend some time with Penny and Cole.” She knew he wouldn’t reject them.

“Because -” 

“Thank you Cole, but I will explain all the reasons why, as soon as these fine people leave.” There was that no-nonsense leader who made her insides squirm like a happy puppy.

The door closed firmly.

“I’m a Warden.” That would do it. If anyone knew about being alive but not it would be Alistair.

“And it doesn’t freak you out?” She was pretty sure it didn’t, but still, she needed to hear him say it.

“No. I’m not happy about what happened to you, but there isn’t anything to be done about that. Much like how you had a huge shouting session about the Archdemon and all sorts of other things.” She did? “You did, minx. You threw a chair at Zevran for allowing me to put my life in danger like a prize idiot.” 

“It does sound like something I’d say,” and she really enjoyed throwing chairs.

“Mhmm.” He stalked up to the bed. “Now we will hear how your name sounds on my lips while I devour you.” She could get behind that way of thinking. She could definitely get behind it.

“I love you, both of you very very much.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> https://drive.google.com/open?id=17CeYVr5MMlKmAvPjgE2KpUEvwMY-uJ3- - letter to Alistair dictated to Cole - 12 mins long  
> https://drive.google.com/open?id=1d3hvttQfXDJ_7abr6fVQoFEStZ5NAwJf -letter to Adaar - 15ish mins long
> 
> Genuinely how I amuse myself. I'm not going crazy honest - I did this before we went onto lockdown. I have no explanation for this madness.


	34. Reminiscing

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The aftermath. Which involves bed, eating, and chatting.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So you skipped the last chapter (possibly) I don't blame you. I would have too* Anyway tldr: NotJen is actually called Penny (She has a longer name but it's not important). She turned up being punted into a whirlpool on the other side, woke up in a waterfall pool this side whoop whoop. Everyone knows about her pretty much but not quite dead side. Penny is the living embodiment of the _I think I am, therefore I am._ currently. Quick disclaimer - this has always been the case and then Tevinter Nights came out and it was like they'd read my brain - very scary place it is too.
> 
> Other important things of note - Penny and Cole have confessed Cole's running off to join the Inq for a bit but will be returning, and the other characters are going to try and sort shit so it doesn't go terribly. As far as Penny is concerned she's played her part and will be resuming usual state of play. Anyway enough AN on with the chapter

They’d managed to steal a whole uninterrupted day, other than when Ali had to show his face for a couple of Kingly things. Anders popped in to check how her body was holding up with the warden stamina from the best king of Thedas. 

“Hey - should we be worried about the Tevinter peeps?” She finally managed to grasp what had been bugging her for so long. And by so long, while Ali had been busy eating back up.

“Oh, Cole Zev is very upset with you.” Ali stopped chewing to wink at them.

“Oh no, what did you do?” had she put enough shock in her voice. Cole giggled.

“He killed them, all three of them.” Ali was outright grinning.

“Cole! You were supposed to let Krem kill them, how will anyone win now?” Penny attempted to berate her soul, but she couldn’t help giggling as Ali carried on grinning.

“Zev wants me to explain that serious threats to the crown should be discussed with him in advance, rather than after the bodies are floating in the sea, which he is also not happy with.” Alistair shrugged, tossing the rib to Pebbles after he’d finished gnawing off the meat.

“Hey, what kind of meat is that?” because it was a huge rib.

“I don’t know?” He shrugged, and it was just another reason for loving him, because he didn’t care about the unimportant details, it was just food. 

“Is it tasty?” Since the talk she’d been more interested in food in general.

“Yes,” he didn’t sound too sure, but then he’d also polished off a whole loaf of bread and smoked meats.

“Hey Cole, do you think that maybe I’d be able to eat fish and chips in beef dripping as my first proper meal?” Her mouth was only slightly salivating. 

“Beef dripping?” Ali looked at her as Cole was busy stroking out lengths of her hair and then tying it back up again.

“Like druffalo, but prettier - not to say druffalo aren’t pretty, although they aren’t that great looking.” Cole tugged on her hair. “They aren’t they are a bit… smelly.”

“Cows were smelly too,” Cole pointed out.

“They also like to suck your hand right up into their mouths and suckle on them, it was odd,” she agreed. It was also something she’d been told off for doing as a small child.

“Because the cows were big and powerful, and you were small and tiny. Your cousin was killed by falling into the slurry, and you were always clambering in dangerous places,” Cole said as Ali watched them with a fond expression. She was getting much better at reading his expressions, much much better.

“Getting stuck in the duck house with her and walking out of my boots to safety.”

“Washing your hands in oil and getting shouted at for walking next to your grandfather who was smoking,” Cole murmured, wrapping his arms tightly around her waist, resting his head on her shoulder.

“He used to say-”

“I’ll put bloody springs on the doors!” Cole finished.

“We used to run around the downstairs of the farmhouse, in circles leaving all the doors open, letting the heat out,” she giggled as Ali settled back against the fireplace.

“Did he?” He asked casually.

“Never, he used to sit in front of the stove with his cap on his knees to stop them burning, with a fag in his hand, and a cup of tea in the other, sharing it with the farmhouse cat,” she sighed happily.

“Bugger off Sam,” Cole snapped, sounding the spit of him.

“He got in so much trouble when I started saying that as a small child.”

“Egg rolling.” She’d forgotten about that, painting the boiled eggs and then rolling them down the hill with her sisters and cousins.

“Gods, the bruises we’d get from falling over chasing after them. They looked so pretty, we should do that with Jamie - but in the snow, and with Anders to make sure we don’t get too hurt!” 

“Philip,” Cole snickered.

“Philip…” she sighed.

“Philip?” Ali asked.

“Philip.” She sighed happily again. “First male crush, he used to play with us, clambering and exploring, even made me a hay bale fort.” It had been one of the best days of her early life.

“He was always happy to see you,” Cole agreed. She knew that, her older sisters hadn’t been bothered about getting dirty, and her cousin had been too allergic, so Philip had kept her company mainly.

“Other than when you wandered off because you didn’t want to wait for everyone else to go down to the beck.” She could feel him smiling against her cheek.

“We should go and walk down near a beck.” She could feel Cole mouth something to Ali, who nodded with a faintly confused look. “It’s a stream, but called something else, could be worse, I could have called it riffabeck.”

“It wasn’t even called that on the map,”

“Just a name the locals called it,”

“It didn’t even make sense,”

“It did, it made it clear it wasn’t the beck at the bottom of the farm!”

“So you were a farm girl?” Ali interrupted them as it started to get into the playful bickering they enjoyed.

“No, not really. The closest thing to it in my family though,” she said, working through the idea.

“Townie, a townie with airs above their station,” Cole snickered.

“Only because I was, I didn’t have to walk seven miles through the snow with no shoes or socks, and eat boiled swede for lunch. Instead, I got to walk five minutes to school, and twenty to high, with shoes and socks on. I even got to choose most of the time what I ate.” Had she said too much?

“Did you enjoy school?” Ali was soaking up all this information, she could tell, and at this stage, she didn’t really care. He could ask whatever he wanted and she’d tell him.

“Yes, mostly. I enjoyed most bits, I liked learning,” she had. 

“What did you learn?” Was this skirting into dangerous territory? Cole shook his head.

“All sorts, history, geography, religion, pe, sciences, english, maths, how to avoid working unless extremely necessary in primary school. The same again later on, with french, german, IT, drama, uh and then other fun stuff like CDT, home ec, and textiles.” 

“Music,” Cole added for her.

“True, I learnt how to play recorder, French Horn, and that I was never to sing in a choir,” she couldn’t help but giggle.

“The smell of brasso,” Cole sniffed her hair as if she smelled of it.

“Brasso?” Ali was a good sport about the whole thing, but he was definitely watching her with the eyes of someone who was reassessing a situation. 

“Brass cleaner, the stuff brings up a real nice shine, but ugh, on a horn it takes forever. Sister had a trombone, while my eldest opted for boys.” He snorted at that. “It’s true, when music happened, she’d signed up for sports instead, did extra in netball. But she did end up pregnant as soon as she left school, married and happily coupled up. Brought never-ending shame to my Aunt who’d been planning on getting married that year but got overlooked due to the double bounty. We all hated it. Even the small wedding cost Dad all of his savings, so we survived on school dinners and leftovers from the Sunday roast most the week.” But it had been a great year anyway.

“Eating gooseberries you stole from the orchard on your way home from school.” Oh, gods, she’d been so sick, so very sick, they’d thought she’d taken ill with some dangerous illness. “They knew what you’d done, they were teaching you a lesson.”

“I knew it, I knew it wasn’t that they really thought I was dying, or not really. It did serve me right, after the first couple of handfuls, I should have stopped, but they were delicious and we were getting nothing but-”

“Jelly and dried fruit-”

“Because we had no money for anything other than what they could grow, or take in payment from the farm. Those eggs, she was an old bitch, but we’d have starved without all the -”

“Cakes and breads-”

“She sent back with us. I hated runner beans, but they grew really well, so we used to eat them all the time when they were in season.” Bleargh the room was getting hazy again. She was also starting to crave lemon drizzle cake, so incredibly badly. “Plum pie - we need to have a feast with plum pie, lemon drizzle, yorkshire puddings with gravy and roast beef, and fish and chips with salt and vinegar.” 

There was a noise.

“Was that - was that you?” Penny asked, she was more than sure it wasn’t Cole, who’s stomach had growled. Alistair looked the most likely candidate.

“It was yours,” Alistair said, looking almost proud.

“So what anyway?” Cole snickered into her neck, as she couldn’t work out the best way to deal with the embarrassment. “Sex?” Easiest way, and judging from the way Ali lunged at her like he’d been without for months, when they’d only stopped long enough for him to eat… well, it was nice for the ego.

Knock, knock, knock.

“GO AWAY, FUMIGATING!” They’d just finished trying out a new position, which involved Ali stretched out on the bed, while she sat and chatted to Cole as Ali slept from exhaustion.

“Boss, you need to allow the King to leave his room eventually, and for longer than it takes for him to take Pebbles out for a crap,” Bull stuck his head around the door with a leer.

“Why?” There was a moment, just a micro-moment when Bull looked like he didn’t know how to answer that. It was his own fault, he knew better.

“Alright - we need Cole, and Cole won’t come out when both of you are in here.” That was still a lie, she could tell from the tiny headshake from Cole. 

“Try again,” she was pushing Bull because he was a dick trying to interrupt them when Adaar had promised that as long as they showed their faces in the morning, she wouldn’t send Jamie in after them.

“We miss you?” She didn’t even speak. “Ingrid and Connor are kicking off and Adaar says she’s not getting involved as it’s your decision not to send Ingrid back.” That had the ring of truth, and Cole nodded.

“Why do you care?” Because as far as she was concerned, Bull didn’t care about what happened employee decision wise with anyone who wasn’t a Charger. Ingrid, would never be, because Bull wasn’t as stupid as she’d been. And Anders would be daft to let his new bit of skirt sign up to a merc band, and give up living the life of Riley at Shoptopia.

“I owe Adaar,” that also had a ring of truth.

“How much?” she leant forward, gasping slightly as Ali rubbed her insides, Bull suddenly looked less sheepish and more interested in what she’d been doing.

“A bit,” he was scratching at his chin, not entering the room, but the question was in his eyes. She was naked, Cole was happily ignoring him, and she could feel Ali wake behind her, wriggling had that effect, even after screwing him senseless.

“He might lose all of his share,” Cole announced as Bull glared at her bro.

“You are a fucking idiot, how did you - no, don’t tell me, it’s better if I can imagine how stupid you were. They’d kill you if you told them you’d lost their share to the Valos-Kas.” She couldn’t help but giggle, especially as she was lifted up a smidge as Ali sat up very carefully, pressing into her with his hands wrapping possessively around her waist.

“Fuck Boss, alright, look - Adaar needs the Ingrid and Connor thing sorting before it turns into a problem, a real problem. Ingrid’s a Freemarcher and Connors a Ferelden, yes they both work for you, and this shit happens all the time - but we are in court - in Ferelden. And you just made friends with a Free Marches state.” Bull had gone to scratching his horns as Ali let out a low whistle.

“Why do I need to sort it?” She still didn’t see why she had to, and not say - ADAAR who was the CEO and was supposed to deal with it.

“Because you made the decision,” Cole said.

“I just said, Sera needs to kill a High Dragon- don’t say anything you two,” she wagged her finger at Cole and Ali, who’d started to snicker at the idea of killing the dragon. “And that it wasn’t fair to Sera, if I send Ingrid home, because then she’d feel the need to follow.”

“You like Ingrid.” Bull sighed.

“I don’t!” 

“You do,” Cole agreed with Bull because he was a massive traitor.

“You do, love,” Ali said, kissing her cheek.

“I liked how she threw a chair, it was a classy and unexpected move. And I like Sera, who is funny.” That was as far as she was willing to go.

“You need to fix the Connor and Ingrid issue,” Bull was pretty good and was only half staring at her pretty good tits.

“What is the issue?” Because there shouldn’t be one, what with Connor being shacked up with Anders, and Sera and Ingrid shacking up too… She saw no issue.

“Two noble mages? Who you forced one to escort the other constantly? Who hate each other on principle? You don’t see why they might argue when they were finally given a chance not to spend all their time together, and you chose to say no? You don’t see the issue with this Boss?”

“Look, Anders and Connor are shacked up, and Ingrid and Sera are. I’m not forcing anyone to be around anyone else? Connor can go back to Shoptopia if he doesn’t want to kill a High Dragon with us,” Ali was snickering into her neck. “What?” 

“She does understand, she just doesn’t see why she has to be involved.” Cole turned to answer Bull.

“Adaar wants you to fix the problem you started,” Bull held his hands up, even if his gaze was very much where Ali’s hands were, slowly stroking her stomach and dipping down under the blanket she was using to keep her legs warm.

“When?” Because it was clear that he wasn’t going away. 

“He isn’t,” Cole agreed.

“I hate you, I do. Look my man is all awake again, and we are trying to have sex, so tell me when I need to fix this, and I’ll go do it, if only for some frigging peace!”

“Now.” Bull gave her the shit-eating grin. Bastard. Fucking pissing bastard had played her.

“Fucking wonderful. No pay rise for you then, Cole make a note. NO-PAY RISE FOR BULL BECAUSE HE’S A FUCKING DOUCHE CANOE!” she hoped the yelling would be put down to anger, and not because Ali had pinched her clit while she’d started to rant.

“Both of you need to go,” Cole giggled.

“What?” she was going to be sore from the way he’d done it, for at least an hour. Which was probably about enough time to recover for round… it was high twenties by now. She’d taken plenty of potions.

“Yeah, diplomatic incident. Gotta be seen to be all above board and not us taking over, Boss,” Bull drawled. He’d not be fooled by her shouting. 

It didn’t help either when Ali pushed her slightly forward, which she took to mean - fucking, and instead slipped out of bed, leaving her empty and aching. “Rude!”

“Sorry love, otherwise we’d end up involving him and we’d never get it sorted.” He kissed her on the back before swatting her backside. “Up minx, there’s work to be done.” She snickered at that, with Cole grinning too.

“I can escort you back,” Bull winked at her, as Cole pulled out her crinkled dress. “Please tell me you have something that’s pressed.” He’d gone from amused and horny to Adaar levels of impressedness.

“No, why would I? Since arriving, all I’ve done is shag, Ali. I have no idea where any of my shit is. I’ve been naked the whole time, other than when I’ve been in a towel to dry from a bath.” 

“That’s actually true,” Ali bent down to kiss her on the cheek.

“Yep, so it’s either this, or I wear something of his… Hey do you have anything for me to wear?” She flopped back to stare at her adorable lover in his pressed finery.

“Yes, I love wearing clothes in sizes far too small for me,”

“Diplomatic incident.” Bull interrupted them. She started to pull on the dress. “No, Cole, can you go get her some clothes.” He did not look happy either.

“You could do it,” she grinned at him, as Ali started to run a hand down her back, trailing his nails that had her all but purring.

“I’m staying to stop you doing what it is you’re both about to do.” He had his slapped by a wet fish face on.


	35. Fumigation in Denerim

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Penny finally gets the all-clear for more than Ali. About time is what she says.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Second half after everyone leaves is just filth. Also should be back on schedule. Stay safe everyone!
> 
> Oh and in case of doubt - this is all very much consensual, we do not kink shame in this fic (other than the whole decapitation thing - that was a bit much)

They’d entered to Sera perched on the back of a chair, while Adaar was stood between a cross looking Anders, and Mary who was entertaining Ingrid with Jamie. There wasn’t evidence of any broken chairs, but then she couldn’t see a massive amount between all the people watching, carefully.

“Penny, nice of you to join us. King Alistair.” Adaar sounded thoroughly pissed off.

“Adaar, what’s the problem?” Penny decided the best way to get through this was to just cut straight to the chase. Ali was grinning by her side as several people coughed. 

“Yes, Herah, how can the King of Ferelden help you?” Oh right, he was in charge currently. 

“There is a bit of a misunderstanding regarding the personnel staying here,” Adaar said, as everyone else was suspiciously quiet.

“There is plenty of room, I understand it’s not as cold as everyone’s been used to for the last year, but Denerim is the crown of Ferelden,” Alistair was enjoying himself. She was also enjoying herself, as his hand lingered on her hip.

“Clemence wants her back, why aren’t you sending her back?” Connor muttered just loud enough to be heard.

“Because, and I’ll repeat again, we’re going to go kill a High Dragon after this with Ali,” she paused to tilt her head up for a kiss, as Ingrid and Sera made retching noises, which considering, was massively rich of them. “Sera did until then, deserve to go kill one with us, and Sera and Ingrid are together, so it’s hardly fair for me to send one back to Shoptopia, is it?”

Connor did not look like he cared. Adaar looked faintly smug.

“We are not killing a High Dragon,” Adaar said, before there was a ripple of looking away from the core Shoptopia people.

“Uh huh, but when we and I mean him and me,” Penny nudged Ali with her shoulder, “Go for our trip to see the High Dragon, Sera was going to come with us. Which is why Connor, for once I’m ignoring Clemence - now don’t you worry, I will pay the price…” Cole snickered as she continued the thought in her head, which was pretty good of her. Clemence always made her pay.

“Connor, I understand the lady has eyes elsewhere, but there is no need to deny her a trip to see a Dragon,” Alistair had his teasing face on, as Connor spluttered.

“And Ingrid, stop tormenting him, it’s not his fault that you chose Sera over him. He at least has his own Sera,” because she’d been told not to say Anders in front of people she didn’t know. Not until they got back to Shoptopia at any rate.

“He started it,” Ingrid started.

“I don’t believe that for a second,” Penny interjected. Because Ingrid and Sera most definitely would have started it, which is why she liked them both so much currently. Sera winked at her, before tugging Ingrid away from Mary to settle down on the chair, with Jamie climbing all over them.

“Now, what do we say?” Ali was pushing it as Connor was gaping at them both.

“Sorry!” Ingrid said, with Jamie joining in. Adaar accidentally stepped on Connor’s foot.

“Sorry.” Connor didn’t sound sorry, but Adaar was looking happier. Anders was not.

“Is that it?” What did he want? Blood. Cole was shaking his head.

“Uh, a holiday for all!” There that would do it. Ali was quivering beside her, having brought his hand up to cover his mouth, while Adaar glared at her.

“No.”

“Too late, done it now. So… now we’ve settled that, this room probably needs fumigating, what do you think Ali?” He was busy not looking at her but up at the rather interesting marks on the ceiling.

“Fumigation is key for a healthy and safe working environment, isn’t that what we discussed?” She could hear the laughter in his voice.

“I think it is, so everyone who isn’t of age to watch, should probably leave?” Adaar was glaring at her. “See you later, Jamie!” she waved at him, because she knew what the next thing would be, Jamie and the dancing.

“Penny, you do need to come and dance with Jamie after,” Mary warned her, clearly having picked her battle.

“Obviously, but uh, if you could go that would be great.” Mary gave a small bark of laughter, hoiking Jamie onto her hip. 

“No,” Adaar was giving Penny the look.

“Uh technically, as you interrupted our us time, yes.” She gave her best shit-eating grin. Anders was looking mildly better, touching Connor’s arm before departing with most of them. 

“Penny.” Adaar growled at her, and she couldn’t help but grin as almost everyone filed out of the room. 

“If you want to join in that’s fine too,” she couldn’t help but giggle, as Ali did an odd head bob to the corner - oh hello Zevran… Fancy seeing him here…

“Penny, I will put you over my lap if I have to. We talked about this, no more fumigations when it’s not your own place. No more national holidays without talking it through - and definitely not announcing to another country they can have one.” Adaar clearly believed she was better if the ranting had started already.

“Uh, Ali?” He looked down at her with a grin.

“Yes love?”

“Do you want to fumigate this room?” Adaar was grinding her teeth.

“Yes, I think this room is in need of a good fumigation, what a grand idea.”

“Oh wonderful, so that’s one problem dealt with, I apologise on behalf of the nation-state of Shoptopia for acting without checking first.” Adaar’s knuckles looked white.

“I’m sure we can work out a reparations regime, after all, we are very close allies and I looked forward to being much closer very soon…” Yep, that did it, Adaar was going to flip and it was going to be glorious.

“Uh Ali, so the holiday thing, did you mind?” twirl some hair around her finger - oh shit Cole had stepped between her and Adaar. That did not bode well, neither did Cole’s hesitation. Ali didn’t seem too bothered, or not on the surface, she saw something in his eyes and she was flooding like mad. It was a good job she’d not bothered to steal any of his underwear to put on, because she was ready to straddle him right here and damn the people still filing out of the room.

Bull had not.

Neither had Ingrid and Sera, although that looked more like they were interested in the drama that was probably about to occur.

“Herah dear,” Mary popped her head back into the room with Jamie giggling like mad.

“Not right now, I’ll be there in a minute.” Adaar looked livid. 

“Now, Herah dear,” Mary smiled at them, and Cole stepped away as Adaar let out the loudest sigh.

“Coming.” There was a hand slapped over Penny’s mouth, which to be fair wasn’t a bad thing because she had felt some words wanting to spill out that would only upset matters.

Sera and Ingrid both let out a groan before following Adaar, giggling about bees and chocolate, until there was only five of them left in the room. “Six,” six left in the room.

“How about it, stud?” It wasn’t the first time they’d entertained the troops, even since arriving in Denerim. The stables had amassed a small group of onlookers after they’d failed to give enough notice. 

“Yes?” They both paused for a moment before counting.

“Cole? Six?” Penny knew she wasn’t the most observant, but there was only five people in the room.

“Yes,” Cole was busy petting with Pebbles next to the fire now that Adaar was gone.

“Six?” Ali asked, with Bull frowning. So everyone thought there were only five.

“Are you talking about Pebbles?” Bull asked, as everyone’s favourite spy extraordinaire master, started scanning the room.

“No.” Penny choked as Cole didn’t seem too concerned. 

“Who is the sixth?” Bull asked as Ali stiffened.

Cole nodded his head to the window to where a set of eyes was peering in from on top of the wall. She giggled, she couldn’t help it as Zev’s face went into a full-on scowl, pointing at the figure who scurried away.

“Really my friend, we need to talk about the important information,” he’d stalked over to crouch down next to Cole, his hand scratching behind Pebble’s ears making the dog snuffle happily.

“Yeah, Cole, bad Cole.” She winked at him before pulling her dress up that wasn’t really a dress, more a very long tunic with a belt. Ohhh, maybe that had been part of the problem, she was wearing a tunic as a dress while dealing with diplomatic incidents.

“Adaar wants you to not make her life difficult,” Cole called across, paying as much attention to the former crow as she had.

“Adaar can put her big girl panties on and deal like I have to deal with having my Ali time interrupted.” Ali who had pulled his own off, tossing it at the table, letting her fingers undo his breeches, because she’d whined at him the last time about how he didn’t let her fondle him while she did it.

“You make my job both very… hard, and very easy at the same time, my friends.” She could hear the leer in his voice, and could sense the eyes on her back, very intense eyes. Not the same way Cole watched her, that was different. Cole liked to watch like… like she was a doll and he was trying to work out how it worked.

“I know how it works,” he called over. 

“I know you do, but you know what I mean,” because she could rely on the fact he did.

“Minx, you have your hand on my cock, and you are busy conversing with Cole,” Ali didn’t sound too upset, no, looking up at him winking at Cole who giggled, he was far from upset.

“Bull wants to taste you,” Cole announced, she’d gathered it was Bull. He was the only one - unless someone else had appeared at a window, behind her after all.

“Damnit Cole,” Bull didn’t sound too upset though either.

“How about the crow?” Ali flexed under her as she dropped to her knees to properly examine the intricate knotting he’d put in to keep the breeches up. Or that was her story and not the fact she suddenly having a craving for Alistair. His scent was… the musk, the heady musk that had permeated her skin, filling her senses once again. Gods they needed to sort out the mirror issue soon; otherwise she’d go mad without having access to him.

“The Crow, as you so charmingly have named me, has designs on that bottom of yours.” She clenched it for him, rubbing her face against Ali’s groin and breathing in deeply.

Ali’s hand was cupping her cheek gently, his thumb running along her bottom lip, hissing as she nipped on the fleshy pad, grazing her teeth in the way she sparingly did when she was wrapped around his shaft. “Minx,” hissed in the way that promised nothing but pleasure.

“She takes stamina potions, and he’s a warden,” Cole answered an unspoken question. She had been taking stamina potions, but not recently - oh Bull asked.

“He is as lusty as a bull in a field of cows, and she has the stamina of them,” Zevran passed a comment, closer than before, she could almost feel his breath on her back.

“A dragon and her drake,” Cole commented again, she could see him from the corner of her eye, still playing with Pebbles, though he’d moved position to watch. He liked to watch. “I like you.” She loved Cole so very much and he mouthed the same. 

Her mouth was still half nuzzling at Alistair’s groin and nibbling on his thumb as she felt a hand slide down her spine, not touching the places that would hurt, the Crow. Hands too small to be Bull’s, too careful not to touch the difficult spots. He caught her squeamish spot, the spot that made her whole body quiver, Ali murmuring as she moaned against him.

Another presence, appearing on her blind side, the shadow falling over her body. The Iron Bull, he better not disappoint after all this was over.

“Does she often tease like this?” Bull drawled, not touching, but close enough she could feel him.

“Always,” Ali replied, his fingers clenching a little as she tugged her head back, pulling a knot tighter out of spite. She did not always tease, she hardly thought taking his thumb all the way to the back of her throat and suckling was teasing.

“He does,” Cole had half-closed eyes, a small smile on his face. Helping. 

The hand at her back, scooped her up around the waist, her head remaining in position thanks to Ali’s foresight, it was almost as if they’d been communicating. She gave Cole a sly wink, as a chair was slid under her knees, leaving her breasts hanging heavy and free, as Bull joined the party properly.

“Minx, if you don’t undo this soon I’ll do it myself and go play with the men,” Ali teased her. She was half tempted to test him, she’d had a hankering to see him and Zev play together without her. Gods she imagined it would look sublime, and she’d have wanking material for years.

She pulled her head back, so it was no longer completely impaled on his thumb. “Do you top or does he?” He let out a chuckle as her bottom was lightly spanked, a testing thwack she assumed, as there was a moment where it was all hushed—men communicating above her. 

“Hedonist, all the feelings,” Cole answered whatever it was they wanted to know.

“She is very much about all the feelings and sensations,” Alistair spoke up, and as a reward she pulled at the knot properly, letting the breeches fall to the floor revealing his crowning glory, dripping like a faucet just waiting for her mouth.

“Not her feet,” there was a warning from Cole, it was true of sorts, she’d stepped on a stone and her foot was still sore.

A mouth, a large mouth at her ankle, her not - no two mouths, nipping and tasting her skin.

“Honey and salt,” Cole again. “Her favourite, his favourite, my favourite.”

“Our favourite,” Alistair growled, as her tongue swiped across the leaking head, swirling around, capturing each droplet and savouring it. She was obsessed with his taste. He pulled away momentarily crouching down to kiss her hard, dipping into her mouth tasting and dominating before pulling away as fast, leaving her gasping. “Our minx,” followed by Cole’s, “Yes.” 

His hand tangled in her hair, as she squirmed with the way they were tormenting the backs of her knees, with their tongues, and then one continued underneath as another on top. Switching between both legs, she could feel them meeting and kissing each other, tormenting her as they didn’t touch where she needed them too.

Her hands were clamped onto Ali’s thighs, before suddenly they weren’t, she fell forward swallowing him whole from where she’d only been teasing. She was now at their mercy, her arms clamped elbow to elbow, quickly being bound - Bull? “Yes,” Cole answered, she should have guessed as soon as she’d stopped feeling them use her as a barrier to snog each other. It felt like… “His belt,” yes it felt silky and soft like his belt. But tight too, how had he known she was that flexible, fuck it’d been too long since she’d been bound like this. 

She was reliant on Alistair’s support as he held her shoulders keeping her from choking on him, her rhythmic breathing coming in handy. Her right leg picked up, leaving her precariously balanced, another binding, “Rope,” she could tell, but thanks, Cole. This time he was binding her lower leg to her upper. It wasn’t even a surprise when her remaining free limb was lifted and bound in the same manner. Ali was breathing heavily, she could feel him straining to thrust, swallowing around him, breathing deeply as her weight was supported again fully, this time by she wanted to say, Bull. “Yes,” the quiet answer.

Bull was under her, tasting her one long, slow, deep lap, before moving upwards to her aching breasts. Warm oil? Honey? Oh, gods, it was heated, spiced as it dripped down between her cleft onto her aching mound. Strong, nimble hands stroking it into her skin, cupping her rump teasing, teasing in the manner they’d accused her of. She would never, and they were not touching properly. 

A mouth and a hand on her breasts, hot, wet, pulling and tugging like she was a cow to be milked - no, no no no no no, where had he got it from, her body arched as something snapped around her nipple, as his teeth mimicked the same.

The room was quiet, the sound of hands on her body, the tortured breathing from Ali, the soft snuffling from Pebbles and the crackling of the fire. She tried to focus on the fire, to stop the tears from forming as they tormented her in the best of ways. No no no no no, it wasn’t enough as the mouth pulled away from her breast, and then another sharp clamp. 

Hands covered her ears, Bull’s, as she could feel Ali talking, Cole’s eyes never leaving hers, she loved him, and he loved her. Always. “Always.” He mouthed.

The hands continued to explore her lower back, but she couldn’t feel Bull, her eyes closed as Ali’s nails gently stroked her ear, his thumb pulling her lower lip down, strumming it. A loud scraping and something was under her stomach, hard and wooden, supporting her weight, her breasts free, until they were lightly slapped, the clips, the clamps pulling, weights being added. He was trying to drown her in sensations. She’d already swallowed one load from her love, and her gasps and moans were only heralding another.

“Penny,” Ali growled. She moaned around him, it was the best he could get from her without pulling away completely. “Minx.”

She was rocking as best she could as the hands on her rump circled and teased, stroking everywhere but her entrances, the hands on her breasts massaging and tugging, making her buck.

“Minx,” he tapped his thumb against her windpipe until she opened her eyes, “Say please.” She hummed around him, “Please,” as he let out a self-satisfied purr.

After that it became a sea of sensation, more so than before, if it was even possible. More oil was poured over her back, her hands. The crow entered her thrusting, before pulling back to enter where he had so nicely informed her earlier. Gods he was a better fit than Ali, the burn wasn’t as much, no no no, it was it was, she clenched hard, the oil almost burning with spiced heat as she heard the sound of male satisfaction.

A weight on her back, not too much, legs straddling her as her hands were lifted up, and placed over - woah, he was in proportion alright, no wonder Josie had gone blind. 

“Minx,” the thumb stroked her throat, dragging her attention back. “You need to be a very good girl now, while we use you,” he pulled away, dropping down to kiss her hard before sliding right back in. Her throat welcomed him like an old friend, as he started to start to actively slide in and out. Her fingers grasping as best they could around Bull’s length, with Zevran pounding in and out.

She could hear the sound of kissing, with more fingers on her body, in her hair. Then, then she was lost in a sea of sensation, hot, aching, pleasure pleasure pleasure, so much pleasure.


	36. Bathing

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The women of Shoptopia gossip

Alistair was off being Kingly and or needing a break. Apparently not even a warden could keep it up for three days solid, even tagging in Bull and Zevran for a night. That had been a night, Anders had gone absolutely demented when he’d seen the state of them, but it was completely worth it. Other than she just felt empty and sore.

Ingrid was busy nattering with Laurel, as Sera had abandoned her in the care of the women of Shoptopia to do Jenny things. Penny wondered if she should mention something to Ali, but she had sent him a letter so he must have known it was a risk.

Instead, the women of Shoptopia were busy relaxing in the large bathing area in the Warden quarters. Cole had disappeared off as soon as he’d done a full recce of the place, and their only guard was Krem and Connor, both of whom were playing cards outside of the door.

Penny couldn’t believe that Sera would want to miss out on seeing Adaar naked, because the woman was built. Like, Mary had commented that Herah had a new method of gaining compliance, Mary wasn’t wrong.

“We should do this more often,” Penny felt the need to say it, having floated off into a corner, enjoying the warmth of the water soothing away the latest ache.

“It was a good idea, and I’m pleased that you haven’t attempted to make it into something uncomfortable,” Adaar was a little snippy.

“I apologised,” she was pretty sure she had. Even if she wasn’t sure why, Bull had explained again that she needed to apologise.

“You haven’t Penny dear, but Herah understands.” Mary was the best.

“So fill me in on all the gossip I’ve been missing,” because she was damn sure there was lots of gossip she’d missed, not being in the CEO’s office all day every day.

“I could explain about Clemence again,” Adaar started off dryly.

“Please don’t,” Penny really didn’t need to hear about Clemence again, she could imagine every conversation already.

“Mary has some gossip,” Adaar then added slyly, as Mary actually growled at the woman.

“Oh?” Because Mary never growled. Or not normally, at any rate, a tiny part of Penny imagined she did with Sam after Jamie had been put to sleep.

“Thank you Herah, that isn’t gossip more as… family news.”

“You’re pregnant?” That would be amazing, the first baby born in Shoptopia. “You know you shouldn’t eat soft cheeses - just in general, and make sure the egg is fully cooked, no runny eggs for you. Oh oh oh, do we need to get you some charcoal in so you can eat it?” 

“I’m not pregnant, but thank you, dear,” Mary gave her a proper smile. 

“Runny eggs?” Ingrid piped up. It devolved into a long conversation about food and cravings before finally, Penny remembered that there had been some gossip after all, and Mary had just sidetracked them.

“So spill, if it’s not pregnancy, what’s the goss? It’s not you and Sam is it, because I couldn’t cope having to choose.” Penny wasn’t exaggerating, she owed Sam everything, and he was a quiet presence. They were like her adopted parents, who were about the same age. Sam would bring her back little things he thought she might like, like a bolt of colourful gaudy material, or a rock that looked a bit like a carrot. Shit like that that she liked.

And Mary gave the best hugs.

“No, we aren’t, and that’s adorable Penny. I will make sure Sam knows, and to think I was ready to cut your eyes out when we first met.” The other reason why she loved Mary, under the niceness lay a vicious streak.

“So, gossip!”

“Yes, Mary, share the exciting news,” Adaar was grinning, which was great when not directed at Penny.

“You remember possibly, meeting my mother when she came to visit shortly before the whole business with the sky?” Penny did not, but it didn’t really matter. Mary seemed to gather that as she carried on. “Mother has decided that living by South Reach is no longer acceptable, now neither me nor my sister live there.”

“So we are getting your mother?” Adaar was grinning behind Mary’s sour expression.

“Mary, tell her where your sister is currently.” Adaar was in a real shit-stirring mood.

“Thank you, Herah.” It did not sound like a thank you, at all. “My sister, Ruth and her family, she has three girls and four boys, have moved to Haven to work doing the Makers bidding.” 

“Exactly,” Adaar winked. Penny was pretty sure she was gaping - yes, bath water was getting into her mouth.

“Mother likes the idea of being surrounded by her grandchildren again, and as I only have one child and Ruth has me beat by six more…” Mary looked disgruntled.

“Seven? Was she just permanently popping them out like a nug?” Adaar let out a howl of laughter while Mary looked a tiny bit smug.

“She is pregnant again, they think its triplets.” Penny couldn’t help the shudder at the idea.

“That sounds painful, really painful.”

“Apparently it’s the Makers will.” Mary arched her back out, which didn’t help matters because then Penny was distracted by two lots of interesting looking breasts to look at.

“How can they afford it?” Because she’d been on low skilled wages and it had barely been enough to eat.

“The Maker provides, apparently.” Mary didn’t sound convinced. “Her husband works as the smithy, they have a large enough home considering, and it’s warm. It’s more honest work than trading with carts according to Mother, especially with the fact that someone has told her you are running a whorehouse.”

“I’m not,” or not yet.

“The best of it is, she participates in such behaviour herself since Father was lost to us in the Blight. Still, it’s not healthy to have children around such obscenity.” Mary didn’t look too concerned.

“You know that we need to get your sister out of Haven, right?” Penny wasn’t too concerned about Ingrid or Laurel hearing this, by now it was pretty obvious that Laurel knew exactly what Penny was about. Ingrid was still too self-absorbed and would no doubt decide it was because of Evelyn.

“Yes well, Herah has asked to borrow my brother in law, in exchange for shipping all materials and goods back to Haven free of charge, and paying him double.” Adaar was still smirking behind Mary.

“So when are they moving?”

“Ruth doesn’t want to leave, because she has good friends in Haven, and believes as Mother does that Shoptopia is a house of ill repute.”

“I mean…” Fumigation. She giggled to herself.

“Yes well, but Herah did point out that you have quite a good relationship with the Grand Chancellor…” There was a look that passed between the three women before they burst into laughter.

“Look, I kinda like the old bastard. Roderick’s got standards you know, he doesn’t bend or shirk from his chosen duty.”

“Penny has a crush on him,” Ingrid crowed from the corner.

“I mean, I wouldn’t say no, out of curiosity. I wonder if Roddy’s as devoted in bed you know, well granted you probably don’t Ingrid, but for say someone like Adaar… Come on, tell me you wouldn’t be a little curious.”

“Someone like Adaar?” Adaar asked dryly.

“You know, older, more mature.”

“How old do you think I am, you damn menace?” Ingrid almost drowned from cackling. Penny gave her CEO an appraising look, she was very aware of how old the woman was, so to add on some extra years, not enough to be completely outrageous but enough to upset her.

“Well Mary is my age, so we agreed what, 35? 36?”

“I’m a bit younger dear, 30.” Ouch, that was rude.

“Alright, so, Adaar then is what… 45, 50?” Adaar let out a growl. “I don’t think you are a day over 50, but if you are, you must let me know what skincare you have because it’s wonderful.”

There was a knock at the door, and a “Is everything alright in there?” from Krem, as Adaar launched at her, and Ingrid started squealing in laughter.

“Not to worry Krem dear, Herah is just washing behind Penny’s ears for her,” Mary called with a syrupy tone. Adaar was not washing anything, she was trying to catch her in the water. 

Adaar eventually caught her and dunked her properly, only letting up when Mary intervened.

“Alright! ALRIGHT! My age, 35, even - no don’t, I can’t breathe underwater!” Penny squealed as Adaar went to dump her again.

They settled back down after that, Adaar helping to tease out the huge knots in her hair with Mary, as they continued to gossip about how awful it was that Mary was competing with Haven.

“I have some gossip,” Ingrid announced after the water had been gently warmed. Gently warmed by Connor rather than Ingrid, who’d been steadily drinking and even Ingrid felt she might boil it if she attempted to. Connor had looked only at the floor and almost stumbled into the wall in his attempts not to see any of them naked.

“Tell us the gossip!” 

“Laurel is having a baby!” Laurel blanched as Ingrid merrily announced it.

“Congratulations!” Laurel was blushing, before staring anxiously at Penny.

“None of my business,” she answered quickly. Cos Howe was definitely a Warden and had been for a good long while. “Are you happy?” 

“Very happy, very happy indeed, we both are.” 

Connor was called in again to reheat the water an hour later as they devolved back into baby talk.

“Tippany is an interesting person,” Adaar was still massaging Penny’s shoulders while Mary poured them more drinks.

“She seems nice?”

“Yeah if you happen to be Herah,” Mary snarked.

“What?” This was more like it.

“Tippany likes big women, apparently,” Adaar muttered around her drink, downing it in one and holding her glass out for more.

“She likes big butts and can not lie?” Cole would totally have laughed at that, but the girls did too, but that was more to do with the alcohol than the reference.

“It’s not the ass she likes, she’s a bit like you, interested in the breast area,” Mary had leaned back in the bath and was idling kicking her legs.

“Adaar has very nice breasts, I think we can all agree. So don’t you like Tippany?” Penny tried to tilt her head back to look at her CEO and best friend other than Cole, who was her soul and so didn’t count any more. She leaned too far back, her head slipping under the water and her legs flailing in the air until Adaar rescued her.

“Everything is still ok,” Mary called as there was another tapping at the door.

“It’s not that I don’t like Tippany,” which meant Adaar really didn’t. “She’s a perfectly pleasant person, quite nice to talk to even.”

“But…?”

“She’s too keen,” Mary answered for Adaar who looked very uncomfortable.

“And?” Penny couldn’t see the problem, “I was very - I am keen too, I’d roll over and bark if you wanted me to, if it meant I could seduce you into my bed.” 

Ingrid was howling with laughter, and Laurel had her mouth covered.

“No need for that Penny dear,” it rolled off Mary’s tongue, as Adaar went to half-heartedly dunk her.

“Is it the thing?” Penny sort of guessed what the problem was.

“Yes, if the thing is the worry about why she’s too keen.” Adaar scratched at her horns.

“Cos of the worry she’s going to betray you and sell your organs on the black market?” Penny saw the moment that Adaar caught all of the sentence, it was the moment where she was dunked fully under the water.

Penny ended up over Adaar’s back being slapped to clear the water she’d swallowed in her giggling fits, as Mary called an end to their bathing adventure. Every single one of them was wrinkly as anything, and Ingrid claimed not to have special magic to clear them away, which was a lie.

“Had a good day with the ladies?” Ali was looking much more refreshed than he had when he’d parted from her before breakfast.

“Mhmm, now if your batteries are recharged…” He grinned as she took him by the shirt and pulled him into their bed-chamber.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hope everyone is staying as sane as they can!


	37. Boats

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Some recovery time on route to "see" a dragon

“That mount makes a lot more sense now.” Adaar hadn’t stopped grousing since they’d left Denerim. They’d caught a boat up to the Stormy top to “save time” as everyone had insisted in at least going to see the dragon. As a family outing.

That included shipping mounts with them, and sending word to get the carting network to collect them top end of Ferelden. To take back the dragon. Dead. Penny hadn’t mentioned that part, but Connor was already talking about all the things they could learn from it, in front of Adaar. He had a death wish.

“I noticed that we’ve got a huge bag of explosives minx,” Ali had her on the railings, while they chatted to Howe and Laurel who claimed she would also like to see a High Dragon. Howe kept giving Penny dirty looks, it wasn’t her fault he’d married a daredevil.

“Well you know, once you’ve found a winning formula, why risk not winning?” Adaar did not look convinced by this, which was odd because the formula had won twice now. Penny was counting on it going three for three.

“So what’s happening in the land of the Howe?” Penny chose to ignore Adaar chuntering to irritate Howe who was still glaring at her. Cole was off playing with Jamie and the Furby - that had been fun. Explaining that yes he could play with the toy but it was still hers. Mary had looked almost proud of her. Penny could be mature too. Sometimes.

“The land of Howe?”

“You know, Warden town, hows the newest recruit doing?” Because Ali had asked her about Rainier casually in bed the previous night.

“He’s doing well, has settled into the ranks quickly. A firm favourite with some of the women,” Howe softened as Laurel winked at him.

“Wonderful, good to know. Fancy a Tevinter recruit? Possibly?” Because they (her and Cole) weren’t sure what was going to happen with Felix and Dorian. They’d sent a message through the network (Cole had, Penny had no clue how it worked) to suggest that Felix might want to hunt down the Warden’s and to send word through for access to them.

Ali despaired a bit. But then he’d forgiven them both as they’d chattered about all the cool things Cole was going to do once he’d returned to Shoptopia, which was mainly playing with her hair. Someone had given him a book of hairstyles, she was guessing it was Connor who seemed to hate her currently, but there was no way to be sure.

“So fill me in on all the Warden gossip, any interesting rumours, feelings?” Because Ali had claimed not to be feeling any differently other than tired, which she attributed to her prowess rather than anything sinister.

“You’re talking about the Orlesians,” Howe narrowed his gaze at her.

“Not just them though is it,” because according to Cole using her admittedly shocking memory, it ranged far further than that. Howe growled something, before Laurel placed a kiss on his forehead, and like that, scowl be gone.

“So… the cure, you are still working on that right?” It was important, because she really liked Ali and didn’t want him to die too soon.

“How about we talk about happier things, like the impending joy for you two,” Ali sidetracked the conversation. Howe looked like he was going to burst with joy as his hand cupped her stomach.

“I told Laurel that if you need a name, I have lots you can have. Eleanor is quite nice, as is Helena. Now, this one’s a bit odd, but if you want it you can have it, Kaylee - ALI!” he grabbed her as she almost went overboard as he exploded into laughter. Cole tugged her off the railing, giving Alistair a disappointed look.

“She wanted to sit there!” Ali looked a bit shamefaced, it was nice of him to pin the blame on her. 

“The Boss wants to sit on lots of things that she can fall off of,” Bull stuck his oar in.

“Not true, not true at all,” Penny lied. She loved dangling off tall things, it was like she could fly. 

“You can’t fly,” Cole turned to glare at her instead.

“I know I can’t, but it doesn’t stop me from wanting to want to, wanting to want to, wanting wanting wanting wanting wanton wandering wants,” the words no longer had any meaning, but they were fun to say.

“Look a dolphin,” Cole pointed behind her. Welp that was her cue to shut up. He’d used it several times when she’d started to unravel. It was a fun code word, that meant Ali would scoop her up and take her off into the inside world to shag hard. 

“My back really hurts,” Ali gave her a puppy look.

“Are you trying to say I’m fat?” She wasn’t sure if she was annoyed by the comment or not.

“If he uses it any more it’ll fall off,” Sera cackled at them. 

“Not quite true,” Anders added, joining in with the conversation.

“Not quite?” Not once had she ever heard of anyone having a dick that fell off from too much sex. Granted they’d been pushing the limits for Ali, thank the gods he was a Warden and could keep up with her sex drive, but still, it was concerning the “not quite” part.

“Patient confidentiality,” Anders shrugged at her. She was beginning to hate teaching him that phrase.

“Ali - is your cock going to fall off?” She prodded him in the chest, as Mary let out a sigh. Shit, Jamie was about. “I mean, is your back so bad that it’s going to drop off?”

“No,” he held his hands up. Penny wasn’t convinced as Anders gave a bit of an eh look behind him.

“Anders?”

“It’s unlikely, although I am wondering how you’re able to move.” Jamie was called away by Mary, who clearly didn’t trust them to not talk about sex. Howe had his hands on Laurel’s stomach as if trying to hide the babies ears, which was ridiculous.

“I have good genes,” Cole snickered at that. No one else got it, but it didn’t matter, because she’d made Cole laugh.

“Me and Cole need to go have a chat,” Penny grabbed his hand as Ali was quite clearly too tired, who’d ever heard of a Warden being too tired to have sex, it was stupid to the extreme.

They all looked slightly stunned. But it was time they remembered that she was Jen Her’ald, quirky and manic. Cole grinned at her.

They spent an afternoon bonding over stupid hairstyles and chattering about Ali and how awful he was to her. Ali appeared a couple of times to check up on them, winking as they burst into laughter at the sight of him before wandering off again, to recover.

“Cole, what are we going to do?” Because she was masking the great despair at him, leaving by having copious amounts of sex with Ali, and Cole was benefiting too.

“It won’t be for very long?” He didn’t look convinced either. 

“You’ll just have to come visit me, it’s not that far, and I’ll visit you too. But avoiding the old man because bleh.” She wasn’t looking forward to having an actual chat with the wolf.

“It won’t be long at all,” Cole hugged her tightly.

“It better not be, they won’t let me keep Ali until you’re back. I asked Howe, and he said he was under strict instructions to only allow him a week at Shoptopia before returning. Do you think that Laurel will like Shoptopia?” Everyone seemed to like Laurel, how much of that was down to the fact she’d bloomed into a pregnant rose, and how much of it was because she had a wicked tongue when she relaxed. Penny put it down to the latter.

“I’ll miss you too.” She was practically in his lap now, the hair all but forgotten.

“Good.”

“And I’m not lying,” he assured her.

“I know when you’re lying to me, that wasn’t a lie,” Penny was pretty sure she knew when he lied to her. Normally she could tell just by what it was he said. Like earlier, when he’d lied that Jamie requested playing with the Furby, but really it was Cole because it spoke to him. He liked playing with it, and touching it because he heard lots from it. 

“I love you,” Cole sighed into her ear. “Did you know that they missed you?”

“I know they did, I missed them.” He’d been prodding at the knot more and more as they got further away from Denerim. 

“Because you need me to help, but I won’t be there. I should be there.” Cole tightened his grip on her.

This was the other problem they were facing. Since they had become more… involved, Cole was finding it harder to find the reasons why he had to leave to join the Inquisition. It didn’t help she was a selfish cow at the best of times and could hardly be relied on to let Ali eat, never mind cut out her soul to let the poxy Inquisition have him.

“Ali will be there,” she was really trying hard, really working hard to be supportive and not the world’s worst soul partner. But it was incredibly difficult.

“Only for a week,” Cole sighed into her hair. She could feel him trembling.

“Yes, but we have the mirrors,” and she didn’t follow that up with, they had both mirrors currently with them. They were facing each other tied tightly together so nothing could get through until they’d found the way of overriding the password and making them safe to use… She would need to go see Abelas and crew, and she’d need Cole for that - but she wasn’t thinking about it so he couldn’t use that as an excuse.

“But-” he started and she cut him off.

“Also, just think of all those people I can now shag because I’m no longer on a sex ban.” He wrinkled his nose, he’d already mentioned that he didn’t think she should sleep with anyone without him, so she’d be protected. “It’s not going to be anyone that you wouldn’t approve of.”

“Bull could hurt you,” Cole pulled at the curl around her ear.

“I can hurt myself just walking across the room.” Not the right thing to say as Cole frowned. “I mean, you didn’t have any issues with Bull before now.”

“But the others were keeping him under control, and I could kill him.” Awww.

“How about I won’t sleep with Bull until you are back? Or I sleep with him, if I promise that Adaar is there?” Because Cole trusted Adaar, mainly. There had been a couple of moments when it’d been a bit touch and go, but on the whole he trusted Adaar with her safety. 

“No.” She threw her hands up in the air. 

“Why not?”

“Because he’s still a threat.” Ugh Cole was being a total bitch about it.

“If I promise not to sleep with him unless Ali is there?” This was getting ridiculous.

“No - may - No.” Cole span her around, so she was looking directly at him under his ridiculously adorable floppy hat. “He can’t be trusted yet, and he wants to know too many things. He won’t be able to resist and Alistair might not be able to save you until it’s too late.” 

See she thought that Bull had gotten a lot better. “That’s the problem, you don’t see him as a threat any more.” Cole frowned. “He still has them in his heart, when he doesn’t, then it will be safe.”

“What if it doesn’t happen that way now?” They had messed with shit a lot at this point. Like, the Chargers were hers and had nothing to do with the Inq whatsoever. Same with pretty much everyone else at Shoptopia, they were Shoptopians and not Inquisition.

“They will still test him,” Cole said it with the air of finality. Eh, he was probably right, she’d be surprised if they didn’t just as a matter, of course, every now and again, check that he was still Qun orientated.

“What about the Chargers?” Starting with Krem and then working her way through.

“Krem won’t,” Cole pressed a kiss on her nose.

“You don’t know that.” 

“I do,” he rubbed her cheek with his thumb. Psh, she had a better read on Krem than Cole did. “Do not, he won’t without Maryden saying so, and you still hate Maryden so she won’t feel comfortable saying yes, even if she likes you. Because she can tell you are uncomfortable around her. I don’t like her, you don’t have to.”

“You did like her.” 

“Penny,” he looked almost amused. Perhaps it was her imagining things on him. She pretended to miss the small head shake. He was staying the same, and she was not corrupting him in the slightest.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Apologies for the delay - number of reasons mainly time is weird. And I keep losing track of it. Also I was feeling really sad so I got sidetracked finishing off a short story which was sad, and it ate my good mood. Even though I still have four chapters already written for this. Anyway hope everyone is doing alright!


	38. Sightseeing

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> They all go to look at a dead high dragon. None explicit sex happens as promised.

“Explain to me why you are riding that when we have real mounts?” Ali was giving her black beauty a suspicious look. It hadn’t tried to attack him, unlike Bull who had given her beautiful Bog Unicorn a dirty look.

“Because she’s gorgeous.”

“He.”

“Are you trying to tell me that you think my beautiful horse is a he? When she is clearly a she,” Penny growled. How dare he try and assign a gender to her horse.

“It’s dead.”

“I think you’ll find she’s not dead, she’s merely like me. Special.” She was going to ignore all of them and snuggle with her beautiful mount. “This was a hard-earned mount thank all very much!”

“You stole it from the Inquisition, Boss.” Bull was going to get such a slap.

“I did no such thing!”

“You did.” Anders had to stick his oar in too.

“I rescued a mount in need, spoke to Josie in Haven and agreed that I would keep her - not Josie, or not yet at any rate, and we moved on from there. And she missed me, didn’t you girl?” Her lovely mount tried to eat her hair. Or stab Bull and missed to nibble on her hair instead.

“You did steal it from the Inquisition.” Anders was being deliberately mean to her now.

“You would never steal from a Ferelden,” Ali was giving her a mocking look.

“I promised, in fact, we promised! Also, it wasn’t stealing from a Ferelden even if I had, because the Chantry is Orlesian, and Josephine is Antivan and the Herald is a Free Marcher, so it doesn’t count anyway. But it wasn’t stealing anyway.” Penny was getting sick of being accused of crimes she hadn’t committed.

She chose to ignore them all and decided to ride with Laurel and Mary who were busy having interesting chats about children while Cole and Jamie were entertaining each other on a fat ass elk mount. Adaar had rolled her eyes at Penny when she’d dared to ask when they’d got an elk. 

“So tell me, is it true that you eat charcoal?” Penny had always been intrigued by that.

“I didn’t eat charcoal though my sister Ruth did, for two of them at any rate. It turned out to be quite handy her husband having the smithy. I ate dirt though, for a good three weeks, and not just dirt, worms too. Sometimes I’ll see them at the side of the road and just eat one, for old times sake.” Penny had always thought Mary was quite staid and sensible, but this devil may care attitude was appealing.

“Hey Mary, have you and Sam ever considered more?” she waggled her eyebrows at Mary. 

“We’re delighted with Jamie, thank you very much.” Mary winked at her. 

“Not what I meant, it’s just that now I’m no longer banned, well you and Sam have always been wonderful to me,” Penny tried fluttering her lashes at the same time.

“Penny dear, you are like a daughter to me. A daughter who is slightly older, but still like a daughter,” Mary reached over to pet her on the hand as Sera crowed behind her.

“REJECTED!”

“Thanks Sera, needed that kick in the teeth from you as well.” Penny was not having a good day.

Penny was having a brilliant day. The dragon was well and truly dead, and she’d been allowed to do it her way. Mainly because when they’d had the big discussion, it was decided that actually, doping the dragon and then throwing explosives into its mouth and then letting it go off, was safer than fighting it.

Bull was not happy.

Adaar was torn. No one was hurt. They’d killed the dragon. Penny had sex on top of a dragon with Ali while on a blanket. Jamie had seen a dragon fly! He ran around making whooshing noises and roaring until Mary used her mother magic to get him to stop.

Penny was having the best day.

“So that takes it to three right, so are we even yet?” She was jumping up and down on the Dragons back after proclaiming her love for Ali to the entire world, and then her love for Cole, and for Adaar and Jamie - she’d been told to put her clothes back on at that point.

Cole threw her a dress to throw on. She ignored it, she was enjoying the drizzle on her skin. Ali had pulled on his tunic and was busy organising with Adaar the best way to transport the dragon, as Adaar wasn’t as happy to divvy up the beast as she’d been each time prior.

“Why can’t he have it?”

“Because we can use it,” Adaar wasn’t looking at her. “Put some clothes on, you’ll catch your death.”

“Penny dear, you really will.” 

“Sera doesn’t seem to think so,” Penny pointed at Sera who was busy staring at her breasts.

“When did you get it pierced?” Oooh, she was admiring the bit of jewellery. 

“Do you like it? I like how it feels when it’s clattered ya know, Zev did it, doesn’t it look nice!” Sera had skirted round to get a better look.

“Ingrid’s not looking very happy,” Cole mumbled at her, why? “Because Sera said she didn’t like them, and now she’s interested.”

“Ingrid - if you want to get it done, Zev made it practically painless. Oh, oh, oh! You could have a dragon tooth as a piercing! Adaar make it happen!” She felt like she was Picard.

“No.” Adaar shooed Sera off who had hopped up to have a closer look. 

“Sera can look if she wants,” 

“PUT SOME CLOTHES ON!” Anders shouted he was busy trying to stop Jamie from getting closer now most of the danger had gone. Most being that there was some dragon blood about the place, but mainly her and Ali having lots of sex on the back of it had been distinctly un-pg.

“Love, I think it’s time,” Ali had joined in with the body-shaming - Cole gave her a look. Alright, maybe it wasn’t body shaming. But she was enjoying the fresh air on her skin, the almost sun through the clouds. The lustful looks from Bull and Zev. 

She reluctantly pulled the dress on, accepting a lift down from Ali who didn’t trust her to clamber down by herself. Partly, she assumed because she was going to jump down.

Jamie was finally allowed to get closer, crawling all over it. Penny was banned from watching him as she allowed him to crawl into the dragon’s dead mouth. It’s the kind of thing she would do, she was sort of tempted - Cole grabbed her around the middle and pulled her away from trying to crawl inside to see what it was like inside.

“Minx,” Ali said it with such fondness before she was taken away by Krem and Anders to play cards while the adults adulted.

“How are we going to get it back in one piece back to Shoptopia?” She was curious because Connor was busy squawking about the very idea of chopping it up.

“Magic,” Anders wiggled his fingers as Krem snorted. 

“You’d be surprised at what we’ve transported in one piece, it’ll be hard but looks like that’s what we’ll be doing,” Krem pointed to how Adaar was now talking to Mary who was holding a squirming Jamie.

“It’s going to smell, in like a day,” Penny felt the need to let them know, as now she was old hat on decomposing dragons.

“That’s where the magic comes in,” Anders winked. 

Well, she was going to make sure she rode downwind of the thing regardless. Which turned out not to be an issue as they sent it off with most of the chargers back to Shoptopia and several carts that were bound together. It was quite a thing to see. Connor and Anders had chosen to escort it back, with Jamie dithering between the coolest thing on the planet a dead dragon and his hero. Mary won, being that she was staying with them to speak to her sister.

The treasured few had stayed with them. The ones who were fully in the know barring Anders. Ingrid and Sera had despite everyone other than Penny begging them, to return back to Shoptopia, decided to keep them company by visiting Haven.

Ruth had been surprisingly easy to convince after Adaar had cleared it with Josephine who’d looked a little shell shocked when met with the full might of a Kingly Alistair, the Chancellor who was incredibly helpful. Penny hadn’t been allowed to speak. It was like no one trusted her not to convince Ruth that Shoptopia was a den of iniquity.

Cullen was a lot nicer this time around, which was hardly surprising considering Ali introduced them. He didn’t look like a smacked arse and spoke to her for more than a minute. He even blushed when she commented on how pretty he looked. 

And then it came. The moment she’d been dreading.

“So with your help, we will be leaving for Therinfal Redoubt three weeks hence.” Penny wished she hadn’t heard that. Cole had hold of her hand as Ali was stood talking to the advisors regarding the plans.

“Three weeks?” Surely that wasn’t long enough.

“Three weeks.” Cole looked devastated. 

“We could tell them it’ll be three months, then we can go have a new adventure while they wait for us?”

“The sooner I go, the sooner I can return.” Cole was leaving bruises on her skin, and she was doing the same to him.

“Yeah, with the whole lot of them.” When he returned it would spell the end of a quiet life, instead it would be all stopping Ingrid throwing chairs at her sister, and listening to Adaar bitch about having to share space with the Inquisition.

“Maybe it won’t work like that?” Cole could lie to himself. 

“And that was a flying nug,” they giggled.

“Three weeks loves,” Ali slipped back to them, giving a supportive smile. So far Cole was still hiding from the Inquisition, though soon he’d be visible. She didn’t want them to have him.

“Yeah - about that. I thought we agreed to help in months, not weeks. What’s all that about?” She did her best to assert the new truth on her Kingly stud, who was not falling for it.

“You know exactly why, it gives us time to have our week at Shoptopia, and then for myself and the team to return to make sure that the best outcome happens from Therinfal.” He did not mention taking Cole from her, ripping her soul to toss it on the crap-heap that was the Inquisition who did not deserve him.

“I love you,” Cole clenched his hand.

“I hate them,” Penny returned the clench only to be led away from the chairs to go pet her horse.

Ruth and Harritt didn’t need much time to organise, especially as Mary had offered to look after the children. Shit, they were going to have lots of children at Shoptopia. 

“Have you mentioned the rule about fumigation?” Penny sidled up to Mary who was busy resting a baby on her hip while the others ran about like mad.

“Not yet, and Adaar will kill you if you fumigate here.” Penny hadn’t considered fumigating in Haven, but now she came to think about it…

“Ali love?” She sidled up to him as he was chatting to Cullen about troops and the weather.

“Yes love?” He wrapped a hand around her waist.

“Fumigation?” She put her best fluttering lashes on and did the hair twirl. He looked dubious until she did the lip bite.

“Cullen mate, have you got any room that we could borrow for like… a bit?” the hand had curved to cup her bottom, and she was half hanging off him. Cullen was bright red.

“Uh -” 

“Dungeons should be free?” Penny had the best idea and tugged Ali by the hand, skipping up and through Haven, dodging Adaar who was deep in conversation with Josie. 

There were two guards on the doors looking confused as she patted them on the cheeks. “Fumigation, don’t worry about hearing any odd noises!” 

“What is it with you and cells?” Ali asked, having lifted her off him after a furious mating. “You seem obsessed with them.”

“Lots of reasons,” Cole hummed, he’d been keeping half an eye on the door for them. “You need to get dressed now!” Shit, Penny pulled the dress back on, she should really not pull it off each time, Ali had stashed her knickers in his pocket and brushed off the hay from her hair as there was the sound of angry feet entering the area.

“Penny!” Adaar glared at her.

“What, we weren’t about to do anything,” because they’d already done it.

“You must think I was born yesterday,” Adaar groaned as they filed past her, “Don’t do anything that I can’t explain. Please. We aren’t all the King of Ferelden.”

Which was fine, Cole kept an eye out until the meeting room was clear and Adaar was distracted again having lunch with Josie, and then they defiled the meeting room too. They’d managed to sully the Herald’s hut, the abandoned hut which wasn’t as such abandoned but the person sleeping there was happy for them to pay him to vacate for a short while.

“Is there anywhere you haven’t been at it like nugs?” Adaar asked as Ali was looking very tired, and Penny had a slightly bowed leggedness to her stride.

“We wanted to do it next to the logging stump, but Cole said it was a bad idea. Oh and then I sort of wanted to in Solas’s room too, but he was in there and wasn’t leaving.” Also, Cole said it was a terrible idea. Like a horrible idea on the scale of all the ideas she had.

“The tavern?” Cole offered, as Adaar hissed.

“We could! If we were really discreet, see no one knows what we’ve been doing so far,” Penny explained as Adaar looked like she was ready to explode at them.

“Everyone knows what you’ve been doing, you aren’t quiet. Not only are you not quiet, but you are also really indiscrete if it wasn’t for Leliana and Josephine, and Cullen you’d have had a huge audience. Also, the Chancellor was made to forget, thanks to Cole as he is mistaken in his feelings that you are a nice person.” Adaar looked exhausted.

“Someone had to keep Ingrid occupied. Sera, on the other hand, has been involved in stalking you. Says she finds it fun, and educational - no she didn’t use that word.” 

“Varric’s tent?” Penny turned to look up at Ali who was busy pulling more bits of stuff out of her hair.

“No. We’re heading back first thing in the morning, can you please just not anywhere else. Also, Solas has offered up his room for us for the night, thanks to the kind donation we gave of some Elvhen artifacts that Dagna discovered stuffed in a room back at home.” Balls. 

“Well, we get to sleep in Solas’s room.”

“Please can you refrain?” Adaar looked like she knew it was a vain hope, and as such Penny ignored it.

“Oh - look, Cullen wants a word,” Ali waved at no one and wandered off. He wasn’t as keen to lie about things as Penny was, and had his own method of avoiding awkward situations. Which was mainly just to pretend he was needed elsewhere. So far he’d pulled the “I’m needed for Kingly shit” too many times when they were being told off for being inappropriate. It was getting beyond a joke how he left her to take the brunt of it alone.

“Because Adaar is yours and not his,” Cole pointed out.

“Well, he left me to have the Spanish inquisition from his mother, which was so much fun when we were in Denerim.” Penny had not appreciated the afternoon she’d spent with Fiona where she had to be pleasant as Ali had wanted them to get along. It was a forlorn hope, Penny was sleeping with Fiona’s long lost son. There would be no getting along, merely tolerance at the extreme level.

Fiona was not a fan of Cole either.

Fiona and Penny were never going to get along.

Ali could suck it.

“Penny, are you even listening to me now?” Adaar broke through her spiralling hatred for Fiona the most sanctimonious mother in law, Penny had ever had the pleasure - she could spit - of meeting.

“She’s thinking about Fiona,” Cole helped.

“Let’s go for a drink.” Adaar took her by the elbow and led her off to the tavern to get her thoroughly sloshed.

“I told her I didn’t care if she was the Kings mother, I was going to sleep with Ali no matter what she said and she couldn’t do a thing about it!” Cole was stopping her from tipping the bottle of wine over Adaar.

“Penny, I know, you don’t need to keep shouting it to everyone,” Adaar muttered in her ear.

“Well, she was a right cow!”

“Where is he?” Adaar looked at Cole.

“He’s having a nap,” Cole beamed at her. Of course, her lover was, she’d worn him out earlier.

“Penny, don’t you need a nap?” Adaar was clearly very drunk, she knew Penny never needed a nap.

“You are very drunk!” Penny prodded her best friend in the forehead, knocking back another swig of the wine. “I never sleep, for I am the one and only -” Cole slapped a hand over her mouth, and Adaar threw her over her shoulder.

“Time for Penny’s to go to bed, before they say things they regret,” Adaar was pretty tall come to look at it from the head down.

“Adaar?”

“Penny?”

“Why am I not allowed to call you Herah?”

“Because no one does?” Adaar was doing an excellent job of not bouncing too much, which was good because Penny wasn’t sure she could hold her alcohol upside down.

“Mary does,” Penny wanted to point this out because it was important.

“Mary is different though,” Adaar was trying to get the door open with Cole keeping Penny’s dress down.

“Cole, can you help Adaar?” Penny could see her struggling by the way her bottom was clenching.

The door opened anyway to reveal a sleepy-looking Alistair who took her willingly off Adaar, before tucking her into the bed with Cole and him. “Sleep minx, and if you’re very good in the morning, we can defile the cabin.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So... I'm on chapter 43. But I need to edit them and it's like I enjoy it when I set down to do it, but also writing is more fun. Trying to get caught back up. We shall see! Thank you for the lovely comments, they make me smile. Hope everyone is staying safe and relatively sane!


	39. Homecoming

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> In the words of a friend the best chapter ever. It's not.

Shoptopia looked different. And it didn’t. There were some buildings on the outside of it, stone-built and more going up, including a large stable area.

“For all the mounts we suddenly seem to be acquiring thanks to whatever deal you made with Josephine,” Adaar muttered as she gaped at it.

“Did you remember about the paddocks I need for the special animals we need to get?” Because she hadn’t forgotten about getting the snowy wyvern, and Bull was going to have a shit fit when he found out he was going to be fighting a dragon and capturing wyverns.

“Yes, they’re working on clearing out land for it, although it is a way down the priority list. We’ve had to hire another set of builders,” Adaar got that look on her face she did whenever they drifted to actual work matters. 

“So why are we building on this side?” Penny was intrigued, because as far as she was aware they had plenty of space inside still, especially with them carving out two more complete floors under the place.

“The Chargers are moving to be based here,” Krem had ridden out to meet them, “Mary, Sam has your mother inside, she’s very anxious to see her daughters and grandchildren.” There was a note of warning in his voice and Mary released a soft curse.

“Have fun!” Penny dodged behind Ali as Mary gave a very unimpressed look.

“Shok has asked that you come and meet the guests, before going off to fumigate,” Krem continued on, and Adaar snorted. 

“Uh, I think you’ll find its a national holiday for fumigating,” Penny planned on reuniting Ali with all of their favourite places to bang.

“You’ll want to see these guests,” Adaar grinned at her.

“Did I invite them? No, because I haven’t invited anyone here so there. Uninvited guests can wait until after fumigation has occurred in at least six places, if not ten.” She was ignoring the groan from her lover.

“He can’t manage that many,” Cole grinned at her, as Ali nodded. He was supposed to be offended.

“Even for a Warden, eventually we need a break,” Ali cracked his back.

“Speak for yourself,” Howe rode past with Laurel looking smug.

“You really will want to see these Penny, I promise you.”

“UGH! Fine, whatever. Ali as well?” Because she could kick the guests out and have lots of fumigation with him then.

“You’ll need Cole with you, but the King should probably be available too,” Adaar smirked. 

“Where are they?” Krem held his hands up as she snapped.

“The tavern, it’s empty other than them and Shok. The Chief’s livid because he knows that the next thing that will happen is you’ll kick everyone out again to fumigate and he’s had a hard couple of days having to help shift the dragon.” Krem didn’t sound too upset, though.

“Well it’s his own fault,” Penny wasn’t sure where she was going with that either.

She was not expecting to see tall elves. She should have, in fact, Cole should have reminded her or given her a heads up.

“Abelas!” He looked faintly alarmed that she’d greeted him so readily. Better than the arrows from the first time.

“You were correct,” he didn’t look too happy about it either.

Cole had a hand slapped over her mouth, she wasn’t going to say “duh,” but it was probably pretty clear that was how she felt.

“We have decided to see if your previous offer had any merit.” Abelas carried on as if she wasn’t being muzzled like a child by her soul partner.

Shok was looking very pleased with themselves, Adaar was smirking at Penny. Cole carefully removed his hand, while Alistair introduced himself, not as the King of Ferelden, but as her partner. She wasn’t sure if that was a claim staking or something else.

“I’ll tell you later,” Cole whispered in her ear. 

“I have some ideas,” Adaar suddenly looked less smug about the whole thing. “So, obviously you’ll be moving in, and soon because we need you in like now. But I was thinking, have you ever thought about screwing rich people out of vast swathes of money and humiliating them at the same time? Not how Ali is currently thinking, but I’m thinking having “ancient elf practises” which would encourage good skin and long life, and it can be eating grass and doing all sorts of ridiculous things?” 

There was an appalled silence. 

Penny was suddenly aware that everyone other than Cole was looking at her with big eyes.

“It’s a fucking genius idea, think about it. You would obviously get all the profits from that course, while we retain the profits from accommodation and any extras. But for the business-minded of you, well you’d be daft to pass it up.” She gave him a big smile. Cole glanced at one of the others further back, who looked like slate. Problem - the slight head shake relaxed her.

“You have two of the mirrors?” Abelas asked. Ignoring her previous statement, in the same manner, Adaar often did.

“They think you are mischief,” Cole announced as there was a very bland look from the one he’d been watching.

“Penny assures us she is not a spirit like Cole, but if she was, mischief wouldn’t be a bad description,” Adaar stepped in as Cole stood in the middle of the room taking up all the attention.

“I have two of the mirrors and know the password to the network, which has many probably - the fact they let me have two implies they have enough that even if they couldn’t use these two, it wouldn’t impact too greatly. I know where a third is as well, but we don’t know the pass for that one. Oh, and you have one too, so that’s four that are safe for you to use!” Penny could see it working already. 

“In return for our help?” Abelas asked.

“Our help,” Cole answered before Penny could. Uh, this had not been discussed beforehand, Penny was assuming that she’d put them up, have them flaunt shit in front of the old prick and that would be enough. Adaar wasn’t looking ready to kill though, because why? “Later.”

“What use is your help?” Abelas was determined to speak only in questions it seemed.

“Penny knows whats going to happen, including when Mythal will return before she is slain by the wolf,” Cole stated, there was an intense stillness in the room. Great, she’d told them before that was going to happen, but now Cole was offering up the information to them.

A hand was placed over her mouth by Ali, who didn’t remove it when she licked it.

“We can give you legitimacy,” Adaar added. “We have the seal of approval from neighbouring countries, and will soon have access to the peacekeeping force trying to fix the sky.”

“Including the wolf.” This was news to all of them, surely they’d told them about that. 

“You know who it is?” Adaar didn’t sound too surprised. Penny nodded.

“Of course they do,” Ali sighed. “We didn’t ask, we just assumed that they’d tell us important information like that.”

“Fixed point,” she managed to get her mouth free enough to mumble through his fingers. 

“I might ban that phrase from being uttered,” Adaar gave her the evil eye.

“You can have my share in the business,” Cole added.

“NO!” this was definitely not the plan. Cole had his share because he was important.

“We accept.” Abelas gave a nod.

“No, no, no, no. It’s not worth it, that’s Cole’s and not anyone else’s.” She’d bitten Ali’s hand and he’d released her.

“I will share with you,” Cole gave her the most puppy dog eyes.

“But that was your share, it was important you had it because then you can tell everyone else to suck it when they are mean to you because you were the biggest boss.” 

“You still own half of the business, Cole will still be able to Penny,” Ali muttered in her ear as Adaar was scratching her horns. Shok was just grinning. She hated Shok.

“It will give them more legitimacy.” Adaar pointed out like the traitor she was.

“It feels like we are giving them a lot, for not very much.” Penny was very much not happy by this.

“You gave Alistair two dragons,” that was different, Cole. “And you hunted down other presents including a cheese shield even though it was dangerous still.”

“We were passing at the time,” they hadn’t been, she’d been snaking around going to the places she knew were cool gifts for Alistair before she’d even met him.

“You want to get a snowy wyvern just to mess with someone else,” Cole had his fingers out and was now being a massive traitor.

“Not true, I just thought they looked cool and we should breed them.” Adaar had her mouth open.

“If you didn’t want to help, you wouldn’t have come to find me,” Cole moved to stand in front of her.

“We both know that’s a lie.”

“Is it?” He pressed a hand to her cheek, and she couldn’t help but nuzzle it. 

“Yes! I came to find you because you would ensure my survival. After all, you are awesome and wonderful and best damn purveyor of goods from not safe places in all of Thedas,” she was going to call him a thief, but then it would remind Ali where half of her wealth had come from.

“You survived until you found me,” Cole pointed out, resting his forehead against hers.

“Barely,” she existed. Cole had given her meaning again.

“You knew what I was and that by seeking me out you wouldn’t be able to not join in,” Cole pressed his nose against hers and she could feel his eyelashes on her skin.

“We’ve done nothing,”

“We’ve done everything,” she could feel his words in her body. It wasn’t true, they’d stolen and cavorted through the countryside. “Adaar,” he whispered.

“Don’t,” she could feel a hot wetness roll down her cheek.

“Cadash, Fiona, Ellana, Clemence, Mary and Sam, Bull, Rainier, Ingrid, Connor,” the names were spoken softly, it wasn’t fair. “You could have stayed where you were, and you inserted yourself into the story.”

“Cole-” 

“All those people who are no longer at war,” he placed the softest of kisses on her cheek, “All you had to do was not care, the tranquil, Sera, Crestwood, the Hand of Korth and his clan…” 

A hanky appeared and Cole dabbed at her face. “What’s yours is mine, and what’s mine is yours.” He whispered and she hated him and loved him at the same time. “We need them, they are owed, please, for me?”

Suffice to say she really wasn’t in the mood for fumigation after they’d ironed out the details, which was her agreeing that yes Cole could give away his part. Ali hadn’t followed her when she disappeared off up to her room, in fact, for once she was alone. Completely alone.

Her room felt the same, it was still nice and clean, the sheets were fresh which considering she’d not used it in ages was a nice touch that she’d completely remember to thank people for at a later date. There was a new desk in the corner of the room, a large one, a large, sturdy one. In fairness, her last one had broken due to her using it so much. This though looked like it could withstand a hard pounding.

A pile of parchment, completely blank, the fire on, and the sound of Shoptopia filling her ears. She was home, but she was not happy.

_Dear Cole,_

She scratched it out. She didn’t want to write to Cole, because he was there and she could talk to him, he could hear her. She didn’t even know what she wanted to say? She was hurt. She was confused. He’d messed with her head in ways she didn’t understand.

_Dear Cole._

_Why._

_Sincerely_

_Penny._

Scratch that. 

“Is everything alright?” When had Ali turned up? She’d been sat staring at the parchment doodling while trying to order her thoughts. It was hard at the best of times, but now she was just confused.

“I don’t know?” She really didn’t know. Cole had upset her balance.

“Do you want to talk?” He was sat at the top of the stairs and it looked so familiar that she could almost cry. 

“No? Yes? I don’t know.” Everything was the same and so different and her world had been blown up.

He kept quiet, and she knew Cole was nearby, she could almost hear him fretting and cheering at how he’d prodded at her knot again. He was obsessed with undoing it but didn’t understand the dangers that came with it.

“Do you ever wonder what life would be like?” She wasn’t sure where she was going with this. He stayed silent, waiting for her to continue her thought, and she hated him a bit for that because it worked. “See I know sort of what life would be like if you weren’t King, you could have ended up drunk in a bar being rescued by Teagan and living in danger from Anora. Or not a King and purely as a Warden and you could end up stuck in the fade forever. You’d never have met your mother, but then again she hates me…” 

None of this looked like a surprise to him.

“You knew?” She asked as he didn’t react.

“You talked a lot while you were at death’s door, and then after. Adaar should be dead or the Herald, same with Cadash. You babbled about lots of things that were kept out of certain ears,” he gave her the softest of smiles.

“We’ve changed a lot of things,” she hadn’t realised how much she’d changed. They could be utterly fucked and she wouldn’t have a clue. “I just thought it was a fun game you know, get Shoptopia, thumb my nose at the Inquisition, piss off some people. We’ve changed the game,” she thudded her head against the desk.

He kept quiet.

“Am I a terrible person?” She felt she was, she was just interested in sex and causing trouble. 

“Do you think you are?” Shit, when had Adaar turned up.

“Yes?” She was hugged from behind from the person who’d messed with her mind the most.

“Do you think any of us would be here if we also thought that?” Adaar asked.

“Shok signed a contract.” 

“You really think we’d stick about if we didn’t like where we worked? You were, are just one person, two if we count Cole which we should probably do. But still, just one person, if we dropped the contract, no one would have had any issues with it. Yes, there have been times when I’ve happily wanted to throttle you - please refrain from more public holidays - but Shok would never have signed on to stay. We wouldn’t be moving our people here if we thought you were a terrible person.” Wow, the longest speech from Adaar that hadn’t involved long lectures or being shouted at.

“Also would I be duelling Cole, if I thought you were a terrible person?” He sounded teasing.

“Duelling?” She looked up to see the faint glimmer of amusement in Cole’s eyes.

“They are sorting out the pecking order,” Adaar sounded bored.

“The pecking order?” Penny wasn’t sure she liked the sound of it.

“Cole seems to believe he is all but married to you, Alistair believes that they should have had a chat about it before he announced it to the room. So now they are having a duel to sort out the pecking order of who gets to ask who first.” Penny had to look at Ali, who was grinning, and then Adaar who looked unimpressed.

“Why can’t I ask?” Penny asked she wanted to know why they had to.

“Because Cole and Ali are now arguing over who asks who, you are not getting involved in the middle of that,” Adaar gave her a warning look.

“How are you duelling?” she narrowed her eyes, Cole was a devil with his blades, but Ali was a beast with his weapons too.

“You don’t want to know,” Adaar sighed.

“How?”

“Whoever can make the new guests laugh first,” Ali winked at her.

“I promised not to cheat,” Cole grinned.

“I love you both very much.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hope everything is ok with everyone!


	40. Lingerie

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> French Maiding oh my

Neither had won the bet, which was not a surprise to anyone. In part because Penny had won it instead. Abelas had barked with laughter when he’d seen her “crude” stick figure drawings in the rotunda which should be adorned with the finest Solas pictures. She was quite proud of the drawings, she’d had to get people to act out the poses for her in different rooms and then redraw them in the secrecy of the night.

Adaar had not been impressed. Mary banned Jamie from entering the rotunda at all. It was going to be worth it, just to watch the wolf’s face as he entered for the first time. She could practically feel the promise of his ire now and it was glorious.

“So that means I get to ask,” she couldn’t help but smirk.

“Mischief,” Abelas walked out laughing.

Mary knocked and immediately opened the door without waiting for Adaar to say anything. 

“Oh!” 

Penny waved at her, she was currently reaching up with a feather duster to get the cobwebs in the corner of the room while Adaar watched her with hooded eyes.

“I can come back?” Mary sounded hesitant, and Penny rolled her eyes. She’d finally convinced Adaar to play by promising to clean the office.

“How can I help?” Adaar asked, leaning back in her seat and Penny let out a squeak of indignation. This was her time, not Mary’s.

“Sam was concerned when he spotted Penny, although I don’t fully understand why. What are you wearing Penny?” 

“She’s a high-class whore, obviously,” Adaar drawled. That was not what Penny was at all, she was quite clearly a french maid. They’d spent ages in Val Roy and then in Kirkwall getting the right combination of starched white frilly lace, and jet black silk skirting together to be stitched into the right design. 

“I’m a maid silly,” because Adaar said she couldn’t read her mind like Cole could. Ali hadn’t got the outfit either, but he’d said it looked nice and was prepared to debauch her regardless. After he recovered. Lightweight.

“Penny dear, have you seen any maids?” Mary smiled at her in the way that made her feel a little silly. 

“Of course I have Mary, we “rescued” a whole bunch of them from the unfortunate fire that devastated that poor man’s estate. Oh Adaar, before I forget, we need to sort out that business properly. Apparently, I don’t know how, but Cole seems to think there is someone who isn’t very happy about it and might try and come for us.” Which wasn’t entirely what Cole said, Cole’s version was more along the lines of “assassins,” who knew that someone might be upset about the whole affair.

“He’s mentioned it, once Cole leaves we are hiring no new people until he returns for that very reason. They’ve already sent two after “us” thank Bull for spotting the glint of a dagger else we’d be down a blacksmith,” Adaar tipped back further in her chair as Penny flounced up her skirt a bit more in forlorn hope. 

“Which blacksmith?” Because if it was Bianca, that would be an issue, if it was Mary’s brother in law, well they would have to declare war on Orlais until the culprit was brought to justice, and Adaar would go mental. Or mental for about a week before she got over it.

“One of Bianca’s, a none dwarf one.” Adaar shrugged.

“I bet Bianca was thrilled,” Penny muttered, great someone else she’d have to avoid for a bit, like Clemence.

“Actually she has sent word through to Orlais that she was the target and that the perpetrators should be aware of the war they are declaring. We’re hoping it buys us some time during Cole’s absence. Also, you are not allowed to leave the walls until he’s back.” Adaar looked down at the papers on her desk, which simply wouldn’t do. 

“Penny, are you actually cleaning?” Mary asked, frowning as Penny used the long feather duster to stretch out in the most becoming way she could, Ali had advised her on the best angles for this very purpose. “You keep missing the big one right above your head.”

“Mary, I love you, but if I get that one, I’ll get cobweb on my cute cap thing that I had to beg the seamstress to make because it was so fiddly and I forgot to ask for it until I was almost out of time. Until I get more, I need this to remain clean.”

“You should have seen her cleaning the window,” Adaar said with a smirk.

“Look, I’m not getting this dirty, the whole aesthetic is crisp white linen lace and pristine jet black, not muddy water. Also, who threw an egg at the window? They could’ve broken it!”

“You did, you, Sera and Ingrid were trying to see who could get the egg the highest. Except you decided to throw the egg inside the office, I don’t know why. It made no sense, but you were having fun and it kept you quiet while we debated the rights and wrongs of insulting ancient elves.” Adaar reminded her, which she needed because in all honesty, as soon as they’d tried to “teach” her, she’d just stopped listening.

“You never admitted I was right though,” Penny felt the words tumbling out before she could stop them. She was trying to seduce Adaar, not annoy her.

“You were right about what?” 

“I told you that we might get some ancient elves,” in for a Penny in for a pound.

“You did, to which I replied that I didn’t doubt it having been in your company for a while at that point where you made statements that just came true.” Adaar was busy having a silent conversation with Mary at the same time.

“Penny dear, why are you trying to clean?” Mary couldn’t seem to let it go.

“Because I am seducing Adaar, isn’t it obvious?” There was an awkward pause, as there was no answer.

“Is that what you’re doing?” Adaar eventually asked.

“What did you think I was doing?”

“Buttering me up for whatever foolish endeavour you want to take part in next.”

“How is this buttering you up?”

“How is this seducing me?”

“Because it’s seductive!” Ali agreed, she looked hella cute in her outfit and even Cole said it would probably work. But then Ali had looked tired, and Cole did lie to her occasionally… Maybe this wasn’t her finest idea, after all.

“Penny dear, you look lovely, but it’s just a bit… well odd.” Mary sat down on the desk next to Adaar, this was not the plan.

“It’s the most work she’s done in this office, it’s been entertaining to watch,” Adaar was such a bitch sometimes.

“Do you not even find me remotely attractive?” Because if this was, she was barking up the wrong tree, then she needed to know now, so she didn’t keep wasting her time.

“Penny, even I find you remotely attractive,” Mary said, it was like being given a valentines card by her mum. 

“Thanks,” please don’t Mary, please don’t because she’d not felt this weird about a compliment since Rusty.

There was another tap at the door, followed by a cautious opening to reveal an anxious-looking Tippany who didn’t seem to spot Penny at all.

“Herah, oh hi, Mary. Herah, about that question I asked you, uh, would you be willing to join me tonight for dinner?” OH, this was why Adaar was holding out for Tippany.

“I’m afraid Tippany, yet again I must decline, you see that I have agreed to give in to Penny’s wiles as she has been trying so hard. I apologise if you were left with the idea that this was going to happen, but I feel it inappropriate due to our status within the company.” Adaar babbled in a way Penny had never seen before.

“Penny?” Tippany asked with a mournful expression.

“Hi Tippany,” Penny waved her feather duster at her and was amused to see a huge blush appear on the woman’s face, followed by her squeaking.

“Oh, - Mary?” Tippany looked momentarily confused before paling, standing there staring until Adaar stood up.

“Just some business dear, don’t worry, Penny is like my older daughter,” Mary sounded highly amused.

Penny couldn’t think, Adaar had moved and scooped her up as Tippany stood and stared at them like a right lemon. Penny hadn’t realised how soft Adaar’s lips were until they were pressed against her own. Not that she thought Adaar would be rough, just that she’d spent a long time outside, in the elements, Ali’s lips were chapped after being outside. Adaar’s were soft, demanding, no tongue, but she tilted them away so Tippany couldn’t spot it.

A hand went under bottom, lifting her into a better position as the door slammed behind them. Followed by a “she’s gone, Herah dear,” from Mary.

“This is not a come-on,” Adaar pulled back, putting her down carefully on the desk next to Mary, who straightened up Penny’s skirts for her. Penny was left feeling bewildered and not a little turned on.

“You know you aren’t wearing any unders Penny dear,” Mary tutted softly, before stroking the black material again. “Is this silk?” 

“Yes, it’s lovely isn’t it,” Penny felt safer focusing on that rather than the feeling of wanting to whine and rub against Adaar like a cat in heat.

“Where did you get it from?” Mary looked thoughtful as she asked.

“Orlais, but I had to check to find this bolt because they didn’t seem to want to sell me purely black. But it looks lovely doesn’t it, I’ve asked for some more to be sent here so we can have it made into underwear, nice silky black panties - some silky black nightgowns, I want some cream as well, but they were out said it was in high demand.”

“We have got a tailor now, but I don’t know if they are up for working like that, they were hired mainly for the basics,” Adaar settled back in her chair as if nothing had happened.

“Well we need more, there is nothing more erotic than silky underwear, in a variety of colours and shapes. You have the crotchless, the very brief, the figure-hugging. I can do a little bit of fine needlework, but I tend to stab myself, but I can draw some designs or Cole can because you mocked my drawings…” Adaar looked a little shamefaced at that, which was surprising, as was the way she touched her lip lightly before moving her hand up to scratch at her horns.

“If we can get some more bolts in, we can tailor-make some to match body shapes for our guests.” Adaar looked at Mary, who nodded.

“It will help when the network is set up correctly, thank you Penny dear for organising the access to the Free Marches, we’ve already hired on two more to work out of Kirkwall.” 

“Adaar…” 

“Penny…?”

“Adaar, that was some kiss,” Penny recovered enough to state with a grin.

“Mary - how quickly do you think we can get more silk in? If I can find us some more seamstresses, who specialise in more delicate and fine items?” Welp that was Penny told. 

“Cadash?” 

“Who else,” Adaar gave a half-hearted grin at Penny’s question. 

“We should really look at expanding our network of hiring practices,” Mary commented, now straightening up the starched lace around Penny’s bib.

“Have we spoken to the elves?” Adaar suddenly asked clearly thinking about something else.

“About if they have any experience making lingerie?” Penny decided to be a shit if she was being ignored yet again for work.

“No,” then a pause, “Although they may have ideas too. More has anyone spoken to them about what their plans are for the future?” 

“I can guess it involves hunting down an old god and killing him hard in the face,” Penny cackled.

“The old god who you know who it is,” Adaar arched a brow at her.

“Yes, but until you ask me directly I won’t answer, oh, is that Cole calling me?” Penny hopped down and fled the office as Mary chuckled affectionately.

“Penny - we will ask you,” Adaar called after her as she slammed the door shut behind her, winking at Krem who was busy flirting with Maryden outside of the office.

“Chief’s needed back for Charger business, if you could let him know,” Krem grinned as she raced passed him.

“He’s not with us, you need to look elsewhere.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thanks for all the comments and kudos it's lovely. Hope everyone is well!


	41. So long, farewell

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Penny is the best rogue.

“Penny, you are not allowed to go with them,” Adaar sighed as she was caught again trying to sneak down to the stables to mount the best girl in the whole place.

“I spoke to Cole and we decided that it would be better if I went too,” Penny lied through her back teeth. Cole and Alistair were busy talking with Howe and Connor, Penny slipped down through the castle undetected by all but Abelas, Dagna, Bianca, Mary, Bull and a couple of others. But she’d managed not to be spotted by either of her two men.

“If you make this easy for me, I’ll sleep with you tonight,” Adaar didn’t waste her breath.

“Are you joking?” Because Penny wasn’t about to waste her time gained by sneaking successfully if Adaar was being mean for no reason.

“No, so if you come with me now, you can say goodbye to them and then in a couple of weeks you’ll have Cole back as agreed,” Adaar held her hand out to help her down off the prettiest unicorn in all of Thedas.

“A couple of weeks is a long time,” Penny sighed, slipping down into Adaar’s grip, nestling against her as she was given a comforting squeeze.

“Athim is going with them to help set up the eluvian, two weeks we should have access to Denerim as well,” Adaar placed her on the ground, keeping hold of her hand as they made their way to the main entrance.

“Penny,” Cole jumped down to hug her tightly. “I don’t have to go.” 

“You do,” Adaar stood over them, while Ali winked at her. 

“He doesn’t - I mean you do Cole, you really do. Two weeks and you’ll be back,” Penny nuzzled him happily.

“Three weeks,” Cole mumbled as Penny whirled round to glare at Adaar.

“It will be more like two, but yes a couple of days over, it will take time for them to travel Penny.” There was a warning note to her voice. 

“But then I won’t be leaving ever again,” Cole said with such an emotion that Penny felt almost frightened by how happy it made her feel.

“Athim promises to have me back before we know it as well,” Ali moved to kiss her gently on the lips, stealing her face away from Cole’s for a moment, before allowing Cole to steal her back.

“You’ve remembered the password?” Penny felt squirmy in her stomach, and not the worms eating her flesh squirmy, the squirmy she’d not stopped feeling since Cole started being… more.

“Yes minx,” Ali ruffled her hair before apologising as Cole frowned.

“When shall we three meet again?” Cole murmured, pressing his lips on her cheek just missing hers.

“Two weeks on Friday?” Penny sighed happily, wriggling as Ali hugged her from behind and Cole from in front.

“Sooner we get moving, Alistair,” Howe spoke up behind them.

“I hate you so much, you realise that,” Penny gave him her best stink eye, before waving at Laurel. “You need to make sure to give your husband a goodbye kiss because you won’t see him for aaaaaggggeeessssss.”

Howe looked discomforted by this, as Laurel tugged him down to kiss him on the forehead. “Look after her, I’ll return with Cole to collect her,” he said, before mounting up with the others.

“Not long minx, and then it will be much easier to keep in touch,” Alistair pulled her back into a drowning kiss, with Cole staring at her intently.

“Love you both very much, please stay safe.” She begged them.

“Adaar knows the rules Penny,” Cole whispered in her ear. 

It wasn’t as if she deliberately set off to cry because she didn’t, but waving goodbye to them, with Laurel flooding with hormones as well, set Penny off too. That was her argument for the buckets of tears she shed watching them both ride off into the distance. Shoptopia felt empty, hollow, like her soul.

“Mischief,” Samahl appeared in Adaar’s office with a frown on her face. “It is not in her nature to be, it echoes loudly.”

“Compassion has left her, taking with him her heart, she is mourning,” Adaar commented, her arms still tightly wrapped around Penny as they had been all morning. Mary was busy trying to deal with a family situation, so it fell to Adaar to play the comforter, a role Penny was very much aware made the woman feel uncomfortable. Even if it deterred another attempt by Tippany who’d appeared to have “lunch”.

“That was unwise,” Melava scolded them. 

“This was why we are here,” Abelas emerged from the shadows as the three tall sentinels exchanged a barrage of quick conversation that Penny hadn’t a clue of following, yet she caught the gist. 

Adaar seemed to be nodding, “You know Elvhen?” Penny tilted her head back to ask the woman.

“Yes, Penny, I have taken the time to learn a complex language that hasn’t been heard properly in years,” Adaar looked blandly at her. 

“You could have just said no,” Penny groused, snuggling back into her arms as the conversation carried on around them.

“I could yes, but that would be less entertaining,” Adaar shifted her over onto her other leg.

“So our new guests?” Penny looked at the pile of papers on the desk with a little interest, not too much so as not to fool Adaar into thinking she cared about the business side that she’d happily foisted onto her CEO.

“Are coming in a couple of weeks, about the time Cole returns yes,” Adaar picked up the list. “They are coming from Rivain, wealthy, and connected. If it goes well we should have a good in with the Rivaini market, we’ve picked up a few cookbooks for the chefs. It’s caused some issues, but we should get there. The rooms are ready, but the only thing that we are concerned about is the timing.” Adaar pulled out another list with boxes and markings. “Cole explained you don’t have a keen idea on when the next disaster is going to happen, and we are not at capacity by any stretch of the word for housing people. 

“What concerns is the number of people we will be housing, and where. The village outside was to be for our people, but it might be wise to house the incoming tenants there and keep our own people inside until Cole can root out the bad apples.” Adaar scratched at her horns. The conversation between the Sentinels still fairly animated with plenty of gesturing going on.

“Can we trust our people?” Cole mentioned that she wasn’t to be alone with anyone but a few key people.

“Definition of trust?” Adaar asked with a wry smile.

“Well, Cole doesn’t,” Penny muttered.

“Cole barely trusts me with you,” Adaar said, and Penny felt the urge to laugh at the bizarreness of that statement. Adaar was nothing but trustworthy at this point.

“Compassion has taken his chosen choice seriously,” Melava spoke up, as the conversation paused momentarily.

“Cole didn’t have to make any choices, he’s perfect as he is, and if you try and change him I’ll stab every one of you and piss in the well, and I don’t care!” Penny surged forward, as Adaar caught her and pinned her down. The tall elves just laughed.

“Compassion made a choice, as you made yours Mischief,” Abelas gave her a look that if it was on Mary would be a fond one to Jamie. 

“Penny, apologise,” Adaar hissed into her ear.

“They threatened Cole!”

“They did no such thing,” Adaar bit her lobe hard.

“How you feel, is how Compassion feels Mischief, it is only natural that Compassion feels so strongly when it comes to your safety,” Samahl smiled nicely at them. She thought it was a nice smile, had a fair amount of fang to it.

“Well, just make sure everyone knows, because Cole isn’t being changed by anyone, alright?” 

“No one is trying to change Cole, Penny,” Adaar sighed loudly, rubbing her ear better nicely.

“Compassion is almost formed,” Abelas said, watching her with a glint in his eyes.

“COLE IS PERFECT!” Penny felt herself expand like a hissing cat.

“Penny!” Adaar clapped a hand over her mouth.

“You were right, Abelas,” Melava said, watching Penny carefully.

“I was right,” Samahl stated, winking at Penny as she grew more confused about the conversation after the initial rage at the insistence of Cole not being real was dealt with.

There was a spurt of lyrical nonsense before Samahl laughed and held her hand out to Penny who was dubious. “It’s fine, they are on the approved list,” Adaar assured her.

“Approved by whom? Because so far I haven’t spent any time alone with them,” not for lack of trying. After the comment about fleecing the rich by making them eat grass and call it ancient elf techniques, she’d been banned from being alone and able to speak.

“Compassion,” Samahl continued to beckon her, “The heart let Compassion dictate the rules, as it should be.”

“Alistair trusts Cole,” Adaar agreed, gently pushing Penny off her lap, and it was like the world grew a little colder until she took the hand of the mischievous looking Samahl.

“That’s because Cole has impeccable taste in reading people,” Penny squirmed, the sensation was odd, a fizzing across her skin as a symbol was traced over her hand. 

“Bring her back in time for nightfall?” Adaar stated or questioned, it sounded less like a statement to Penny’s ears though all three nodded as she was escorted out and down to the secret lair of the ancient elves. 

“I thought you might want to blindfold me?” she aimed for a chirping tone, the sweet I’m innocent and not a terrible person really, please don’t kill, please. The result to her ears sounded more like a squeak.

“To what aim?” Abelas asked.

“So I couldn’t find it again?” 

“Compassion has removed the knowledge from the builders, we have nothing to fear from you unless we are mistaken?” Abelas asked with a slyness she’d seen on many a Charger’s face when dealing with easy marks. 

“I mean, I am the mastermind behind stealing the Dread Wolf’s fortress of Solitude,” Penny couldn’t help herself. 

“You know where he is,” Melvara stated, as Samahl hoisted Penny up into her arms properly, making her entire body spark in the most effervescent sensations she’d felt since the whirlpool.

“He’ll be here soon enough, don’t worry.” The grip tightened momentarily before softening again.

“We are going to kill him,” Abelas gave a full fanged smile.

“Good, bastard deserves it. I don’t know the full extent of his plans though, so you might want to do some recon first, but seriously, all my plans have a backup of lots of letters to people who can do it. That said, as you are potentially the ones who have the most reason to hate him, you should get first, second, third and fourth shots. After that open season.”

“I was right,” Samahl purred, as Abelas made a gesture that Penny assumed was rude. 

The secret lair was adorned already with finery, mosaics she’d recognised from the walls of the Temple across the large expanse of the open space. She could spot the figures hidden in shadows perched around large tables leaning over, transferring more carefully small pieces. A group sharpening weapons that looked more at home with the Wardens with how wickedly sharp and long they looked. The first rule of wardens, according to Howe - don’t put yourself in the middle of darkspawn - these weapons looked like they could stab at a very healthy distance.

There was a whistle rang out, a hush falling before several joined her trio at the door. “Mischief needs to be centred,” Samahl spoke first in the lyrical then repeated in common. Penny almost understood the first, as Abelas disappeared taking Melvara with him, as Samahl and the five newer elves led off to the sound of water. Penny knew there was a pool down here, they’d talked about one of the builders almost drowning after getting drunk and stumbling in. She hadn’t realised how warm it was.

“Magic,” Samahl laughed at her.

“I love magic so much.” 

“You love lots of things very much,” Samahl started, helping to pull the stupidly designed dress off. She’d wanted to look her best to sneak away, and hadn’t considered how to remove it without Cole and Alistair to aid her. A fresh wave of despair fell over her as she remembered the reason for her crying jags earlier.

“Compassion will return soon, and your heart will also. Athim is adept at traversing the roads and has the scent of the mirror that will lead them home.” Samahl promised soothingly, starting to unpick the intricate braid Ali earlier had ruffled into no longer being smooth. 

“Why?” Penny needed to know why the sudden attention.

“Sentinels for Mythal, you are under her protection,” Samahl looked puzzled for a moment, as a hand stroked down her back pausing over the tiny bumps before moving on. “Mischief, we will remove these. They do not belong, did the healer not see them?”

Penny really wanted to be there when Anders was asked that question.

“They are part of me, and they are worried about healing me afterwards. It took all the efforts for my leg,” she wiggled it at Samahl who crouched down to touch it cautiously, before being shooed away by another who prodded it properly.

“You didn’t heal yourself?” Penny was unsure why she was being scolded, by a new Mary type.

“I can’t!” there was a sudden burst of very lyrical arguing before one disappeared off and Abelas appeared looking amused. Penny waved at him as he ignored her naked form, crouching down to touch her ankle gently. 

Samahl started mapping out her body, touching different spots and questioning her, smiling falsely at each honest answer she received.

“It’s fine, look we have a plan!” Penny felt the need to share as the arguing grew heated with Abelas keeping very quiet as the Mary one started to throw her arms into the air. “Also tell Maryelf that she needs to throw a chair, it will make her feel better. Bull is a good target, he will just think it’s foreplay.”

“Mischief,” Abelas gave her a look, that she was reasonably sure was supposed to be, don’t be so cute.

“Alright, but we do have a plan. We’re going to get Dorian, then when we have Dorian. He and Anders are going to work together, they can heal everything - probably not my ankle because it’s pretty attached to the - OWWWWWWWWWW!” Maryelf ran a blade around the anklet while there was some very definite cursing from Samahl and very quiet from Abelas.

A burst of furious arguing as her ankle was then blasted with intense ice and fire from Maryelf, before she pointed the bloody dagger at Penny’s face.

“This goes.” The knife was stayed by Abelas as it was then returned to her ankle. Cole clearly trusted the wrong people because Bull would never have done this to her. 

“Mischief will undergo no more treatment today,” Abelas said quietly, as a nail was placed into his hand by a guilty-looking Samahl. 

“Bathe, only,” Samahl pushed Penny beneath the surface of the water.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So last week was birthday week, and I pretty much slept. This week is a productive week, I even scrubbed the toilet with a toothbrush (I didn't then put it back to be reused you'll be glad to know). 
> 
> Hope everyone is doing well, and staying safe and fairly sane. Thank you for all the kind comments, and kudos I do appreciate it! Especially when I realise that I'm not the only demented one out there.


	42. Cartwheeling

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> A promise, a work out and some management training?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Apologies for the delay, I am literally the worlds worst. I lost track of time avoiding editing. Also, this chapter is dedicated to yralmostbestfriend who left a lovely comment that made me go no Vicky I must edit at least some of the written chapters to upload them instead of just continuing to write and pretending someone would wave a magic wand and do it for me. Thank you!

Three nights in and Penny was going stir crazy sleeping with Adaar again. It was not what she’d signed up for, where the nine bells were the sexy times? Instead, Adaar would stick her closest to the wall and then fall asleep, waking every time Penny exhaled loudly. Not helped by a rotating round of bloody mercs from Shok to Kaaris keeping watch overnight.

“No one new is here,” she whined. Penny needed some space. A lot of it. Samahl kept touching her back and then a new old rusty nail would appear in her hand. It was nice in a way, some of the itchiest parts of her back weren’t anymore, but Anders kept squawking about it. 

“Penny, this is not a small place, it is possible we have assassins lurking already within the confines of the walls. Where did you get that drink?” Adaar snatched it out of her hand.

“Melvara, they keep giving me things to drink and then making hmm noises, this one is citrusy, I like it,” it was much better than the citrusy ale she’d been given. Maryden stopped playing altogether with the whole tavern emptying during that rant.

“Citrusy?” Adaar was staring at her intently.

“Not lemony more limey, but it’s better, makes my tongue tingle a bit but it’s good - better with a bit of fruit in it, maybe some fizzy lemonade, oh oh oh - an umbrella and some strong spirits,” her mouth could taste the cocktail. Mint might be a good additive. 

“Don’t drink anything unless it comes from the trusted ones, and Melvara is not that,” Adaar sniffed it, now frowning.

“I thought you said Cole said they were to be trusted?” Penny felt ready to throw herself off the nearest high thing she could as soon as no one was watching, or perhaps even when they were.

“Hmm,” Adaar sniffed.

“Can I sleep alone tonight?” Penny whined. She wanted a quiet night in, with the Hand of Korth who’d returned again, looking ever so fine.

“No.”

“Please? If I promise to be good and stick to the rules and have you check my rooms out first?” Because the Hand of Korth would be easy to hide under the bed, or he could scale up to the balcony, proper Romeo and Juliet style.

“No.”

“What if I promise to not only be good tonight but all day?” She needed sex, and so far Adaar other than occasional kisses while Tippany was about had done nothing at all.

“No.”

“I’ll attend the meeting with Clemence?” Adaar narrowed her eyes. “And I won’t be mean to him, not that I ever am. I’ll listen and try and come up with an answer to his problem,” Penny went for the big guns. Clemence was being a terror yet again, this time it was not only affecting Tippany, Ingrid, thingy and Dagna, but it was also spilling into the main hall.

“If - and I mean if, you manage to solve the Clemence issue without killing him, although at this stage…” Penny was pretty sure she wasn’t supposed to have heard the muttered bit, “then yes, we will check the rooms, and keep watch overnight but outside.”

“I love you so much!” Penny jumped up and down happily, wincing as she landed funny on her bad ankle, before hiding it with her hand. Adaar would only dob her into Anders like a complete prat.

She could hear her name being called by a forlorn sounding Jamie, and she turned her best puppy eyes on Adaar. “Wait for me and yes we can go dance.” Adaar placed the cup down on the table gently, turning away to secure the new papers that seemed to duplicate without any effort on Penny’s behalf.

Part of Penny wanted to down the liquid while she wasn’t looking, but then she’d just promised to be good and she’d gotten her own way. Adaar would only punish her by making her sleep in the middle of all of the mercs instead. Like that would be fun when none of them would sleep with her thanks to Adaar giving everyone evils.

Jamie looked pleased to see her, he’d settled in nicely to being the King of the Castle with his cousins. She was glad she’d shown him lots of secret places that he could use to hide in, winning every game of hide and seek so far. 

“Penny!” he ran at her, leaping to clutch her around the neck and dangling like a monkey, with Adaar sighing. 

“Jamie!”

“We’ve been playing leapfrog and I managed to leapfrog over The Iron Bull!” 

“Jamie…” Bull scratched his horns, looking embarrassed.

“That’s awesome, I wanna try, Bull can I leapfrog you?” Adaar made a warning noise as the look of embarrassment turned into something much more heated.

“You promised to be good,” Adaar hissed in her ear.

“I am being good, I’m being very good, I am playing like a good girl. Don’t you think I’m a good girl?” Penny fluttered her lashes at Bull, who gave her a slow wink, as Jamie dropped to the floor and started pulling Penny towards the dance clearing.

“Penny, I swear I will revoke the promise if you don’t behave,” Adaar called after her.

“I can’t hear you over the sounds of warming up!” Penny shouted back, delightedly. She loved warming up, the latest nail removed made bending over much easier, even if Anders despaired over healing up the damage claiming his method was better than Maryelfs.

“I’m a little teapot,” Jamie sang loudly, with his cousins joining in until the words were lost in a sea of childish screaming and giggling. 

“HANDSTANDS!” Penny loved doing handstands now. She could stay upright for ages, even when Ruth’s youngest started trying to climb up her limbs. It was only when she got booted in the crotch she came back down.

“Cartwheels like my dad!” Jamie loved cartwheels, cartwheeling round and round until he was sick. 

“Look, I can do rolly pollies!” one of Ruth’s squealed loudly, barrelling into people with gay abandon. The usual group of onlookers retreated after the mass of children covered the entire space without care for obstacles in their way.

Penny showed off her acrobatics by walking on her hands, right up to the wall where she stopped, unsure of how to turn around. “Need a hand?” Bull leered down at her, running his hand over her calf with a firm grip.

“Turn me around?” she asked just before Adaar shouted a thunderous warning at them as he lifted her up and span her several times before releasing her back down. “Sorry, my evil stepmother is watching - but can you smuggle Korth up to my room?”

“No,” he hit her lightly on the foot before backing away.

“Wimp,” she called after him as Adaar stalked over, dodging four children who were launching off low walls at each other.

“Penny, this is not dancing, this is… well, Anders will not be happy having to heal everyone later for scrapes and broken bones. Start actually leading the dance session, otherwise we’ll be going back in for a meeting with Clemence,” Adaar actually growled at her.

Penny didn’t want to see Clemence just yet, but handstands were fun.

“Children! Dance time, who can remember the macarena?” Because she was drawing a blank. 

“Right way up, Penny.” Adaar was soooooo mean. 

“And we have to do it with our feet on the floor and not in the air because everyone's favourite CEO is concerned about health and safety. So we need to comply; otherwise she’ll take away our fun time!” the children cheered after Jamie started to first. Penny felt her feet being pushed by a suspiciously Adaar like hand, followed by a growled, “Upright, Penny.”

Maryden appeared to create the music, with Tippany joining in at the front able to remember the order, though it only took a moment for the moves to rush back to Penny for once. 

“HEEEEEYYYYY MACARENA, AI EP!” Jamie jumped the highest at the end, with Penny cheering as Krem caught him before he hurt himself.

“Stars song, stars song!” 

“Maryden, begin mes ami, we shall reach for the stars, and climb the highest mountain like truly awesome people!” Penny could feel her excitement growing as Bull tilted his head in the crowd to where the Hand of Korth was lounging chatting with Adaar while watching the dancing happen. She made sure to add extra shimmies in after that, including an impromptu split which she’d pay for later, but had his eyes widen.

“Penny!” Anders hissed as he caught her wincing. “If you’ve ripped something, you can explain it to the guard dogs.”

“I haven’t, I promise,” she had, she totally felt something ping. Maybe Maryelf would do it because even if it was the weirdest sensation, she was less likely to yell at her, especially if Abelas was there. Yep, she’d go hobble down to see Maryelf. Or maybe she’d get Adaar to carry her down if she explained the reason why because she had a hot date with the Hand and would need to be in tip-top condition.

“Warm down song?” Penny asked, hopefully. It was not to be. They needed to do four more songs before the children felt the need to warm down. Penny carried on, biting back the intense pain by focusing only on the fact she was going to finally screw an Avvar, this Avvar, who she’d worked really hard to save from his own stupidity. What a gorgeous himbo.

“Warm down song,” Maryden was sounding croaky, with Krem looking at her with some concern. The children liked to “sing” along, making her sing louder and louder just to be heard, Penny would describe it almost like being at a death metal concert in the end. The children took the challenge as offered. She adored them.

“Clemence,” Adaar grabbed her by the ear looking cross.

“Of course,” Penny was trying to sneak off with Korth who was busy making suggestive gestures towards the stables.

“Clemence first and you get your night alone,” Adaar wouldn’t let go of her ear as she pulled her all the way to the Undercroft where Clemence was alone.

“Penny, there is an issue of grave import,” Clemence almost jumped on her as Adaar crept out the room leaving her alone in there with the crazy man.

“How can I help?” Penny allowed herself to be manhandled as he pulled her to a table with a pile of notes with tally marks on.

“There is gambling happening during working hours, it is your duty to stop this from happening.” He hadn’t let go of her arm, even if it was held with a gentle grip.

“Clemence, aren’t you like the boss in here?”

“They have done this after being told not to,” Clemence continued, standing next to her as she was perched on one of the workbenches. 

“Yes, but you being the boss can enforce it, give them an official warning or something?” she turned her hand over and wrapped her fingers in his, giving them a hopefully comforting squeeze. “Is this about the whole tranquil thing, because we can sack people for that. I don’t want discrimination of any kind going on here, that includes being mean to people due to their emotional conditions.”

“It is not believed to be down to the differences in states,” Clemence gave a small frown.

“Then smack them with a warning, and if it continues take it up to a written warning, and if it still continues then we can take it to tribunal which will be me, Adaar and Cole, and from there we will sack them.” 

“But it is Ingrid, who does not deserve a warning,” Clemence looked momentarily distressed.

“I mean, Ingrid probably deserves the most amount of warnings in here according to -” the look Clemence gave her made her rethink that line of thought, “I mean why doesn’t Ingrid deserve a warning?”

“Ingrid is young and clearly being misled by other influences,” Clemence was frowning again.

“Ingrid is more likely to be the one misleading. Come on Clemence, she’s a terrible worker,” Penny rubbed her thumb over his hand as he let out a sigh.

“She is very young.” Practically an admission, she was a nightmare. “She is learning well under constant guidance.”

“Has having two more experienced alchemists helped at all?”

“Yes, it has freed up time to instruct Ingrid in new techniques and recipes,” Clemence sat next to her, his arm pressing against hers as they remained hand in hand.

“But she is doing the scut work, right? Because the idea isn’t that Ingrid does the hard bits and the experienced ones do the basics. You need to balance out the learning with the scut work. If you need more apprentices that’s fine too, we can find you more. Maybe you could lead a course in it here, but she needs to get her hands dirty like everyone else does.” Penny felt a little like a fraud having not done any scut work in yonks. Pretty much since she’d met up with Cole. 

“She is learning still.”

“How do the others feel about Ingrid’s special treatment?” 

“They are being paid to produce items,” Clemence continued.

“They are more experienced than Ingrid, isn’t one of them a fully-fledged mage? Ingrid didn’t even graduate - uh Harrowate, and she’s being given special treatment. Is this because of her sister? Although you started this before we knew that.” Penny grew more confused by the moment. “In fact, you’ve been giving her preferential treatment from the first moment.”

“Ingrid is young and needs to be protected.”

“Ingrid threw a chair at her sister in Kirkwall,” Penny felt herself smile at that. She loved that about Ingrid.

“She is very young, she will not remain so for long,” Clemence was still pressed against her. 

“She’s an adult, a new adult, but she’s very much an adult,” Penny paused, unsure how to quite phrase what she needed to say. “Clemence, Ingrid needs to be treated like everyone else. Otherwise, it will breed resentment.”

“She is treated the same,” Clemence was actually lying to her, she was almost impressed.

“Clemence, she is not. Since she’s arrived it’s been need need need, want want want, and who has to deal with sorting it out. Me! Or Adaar, but mainly me. Not once have I heard you ask anything for any of the others beyond the need for more manpower. Also if you hand out warnings, you will need to for her too, to be fair.”

“Ingrid is very young,” Clemence repeated like a broken record.

“Clemence, do you need to undergo management training? Because we can totally set that up for you. I know it was probably a bit of a stretch to throw you in at the deep end dealing with it all, but I need to know all the staff are being treated equally, regardless of age.”

“Management training?” He turned making sure to continue to touch her.

“To help guide you through the pitfalls of managing staff, like Adaar does with everyone. Keeps things all nice and even, and stops the issue of people coming to us to complain about unfair workplaces,” Penny offered him a hug as he looked puzzled and a little distressed by it.

“Will this solve the gambling?” He accepted the hug gingerly, not moving away until she tapped him on the back.

“What is the gambling issue, because the whole place seems to run on rubbish bets,” and Penny was not prepared to ban it for Shoptopia. Or not unless they worked out a way to stop her cheating.

“They bet on things all day to the detriment of their work,” he started.

“Is it actually to the detriment of their work? Because Adaar seems to think you guys are ahead of schedule and is considering the need to hire more staff because you’ve hit and surpassed all targets.” Penny regretted saying it as he immediately opened his mouth. “But we want you lot to design cool things, so you need more staff so you can, we know!”

“We are not fully staffed.”

“We’re aware.”

“Even with the influx of staff from the Inquisition.”

“How did you know about that?”

“Ingrid talked about it loudly with Dagna. We are concerned you will give the Inquisition our workspaces.” Clemence didn’t look overly concerned about it if she was being honest.

“The Inquisition can get stuffed, they’ll be outside in the village. If they wanted Shoptopia, they are bang out of luck. It’s my name on all the paperwork and has been since before they were a thing,” Penny could feel herself working into a good rant.

“Melvara of the Sentinels has offered to exchange recipes for space,” Clemence slipped it in as the volume started to rise.

“Recipes for what?”

“Space,” Clemence stated.

“No what type of recipes?” She thought she saw a small grin on his face as she tapped him on the arm at his pedanticness.

“Healing, that should work on you better, Ingrid believes they will share them regardless.” 

“Ingrid isn’t wrong all the time…” She kissed him on the cheek. “So do you want me to talk to Adaar about setting up some management training? To help you deal with naughty people?”

“It might be beneficial.” 

“And the gambling, it’s practically a Shoptopian tradition at this point. If it interferes with the work, then warn them. If it doesn’t, then let them do it as long as it’s not offensive.” He nodded seriously at her.

“Thank you for your time, Penelope,” Clemence didn’t release her hand until she was at the door.

“You know, I don’t mind if you want to come hang. You are one of the few people on Cole’s trusted list,” Penny pointed to the list, as it was attached to every door Penny frequented. As if they didn’t think she’d remember. Anders and Clemence were the only men on there. Connor wasn’t trusted to be able to stop anyone. What they thought Clemence could do was - oh he was an alchemist and really annoying when he wanted to be.

“I will consider it.”

“Tell Adaar I’ve been really good?” she fluttered her lashes at him.

“That would be a lie. I will tell her that you were helpful,” Clemence finally stopped holding her hand as she left the room giggling to herself.


	43. Divan

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Divan beds, adulting, snuggling

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Oh Vicky, you are spoiling us.

Divan beds. Penny never knew that Divan beds would cause an issue to this extent, but here they were, sat around a table while they argued about divan beds and the rights to them.

“Right, well they aren’t something whoever it is, came up with. Literally, everyone from home knows what a divan bed is,” Penny repeated as Adaar wrote down something else on the parchment. 

“But we don’t have this here,” the carpenter Gerald repeated as the tailor they’d employed was busy nodding along. Harritt was there as well as Dagna to put their two penneth in too.

“Yes, but I don’t care, a divan bed is not something they can claim 80% of the profits for. Because a) they didn’t come up with it, b) it’s not that difficult of an idea, c) they aren’t providing any of the capital for it. All they’ve provided so far is the name and it’s a bed on a box. Seriously people. We can give them at best a 2% share of any profits for the first five years after that nothing,” Penny despaired as Gerald got a mulish expression on his face.

“That isn’t the same deal as the one you have with Bianca,” Gerald stated.

“Because Bianca is coming up with ideas independent from mass-produced ones from my home,” Penny groaned.

“That’s not true either,” Dagna grinned. 

“Alright, so design-wise, what has the person who wants to remain anonymous offered?” Penny was prepared to listen to them, but so far the impression she had was they were literally told it was a mattress on a box. That deserved no credit whatsoever.

“It’s a box that splits in two and can have drawers. The mattress sits on top, and can be filled with feathers.” Gerald looked pleased as if that was enough to vindicate the proposal.

“Anything else?” Penny resisted the urge to groan again as Adaar was giving her the evils.

“Like what?” 

“Like how the box is made, how the mattress is made, the care for it. How to deal with the casters on smooth flooring?” Pleased wasn’t quite the right name for the emotion she felt as Gerald finally shut up.

“Not entirely.”

“Right so, you have someone who gave you a name for putting a mattress on a bed, and you want to give them profit for it?” Penny needed to check this was what the people who were going to actually design the shit meant.

“Penny has a point,” Adaar looked like she muttered something after that.

“I do. Like honestly, most people have beds that are nothing more than boxes - but the true magic comes from the rest of it. Ok people, now I am going to blow minds. The box is covered in material, it’s on wheels, it’s connected both sides by a latch system, you can work it out how. The mattress is covered springs with reinforced material - you can have it different hardnesses depending on how you need to sleep. See that’s an idea that you need to give credit for. But still, it’s a very well known mass-produced idea.”

“We could make it work,” Dagna said peering at Harritt who was busy sketching ideas out with the tailor, making notes.

“So, are we agreed, nothing more than 2%?” Penny asked, glancing at Adaar.

“1%, unless they can offer more insight,” Adaar agreed.

“All in favour say aye,” Penny brought the matter to an end as everyone agreed.

“Second issue to be talked about, there is a problem with gambling in Shoptopia,” Adaar said.

“It’s not an issue unless it interferes with the day to day running, is it?” Because Clemence agreed to drop the complaints.

“Some people have lost their pay straight away,” Adaar gave her a look.

“Why can’t we have a rule that no one is allowed to gamble more than a certain percentage of wages then per month, and anyone caught doing so is stuck in the stables on mucking out duty. We are feeding people right though regardless?” She was reasonably sure they’d written that into everyone’s contracts, free food and accommodation.

“Yes, but some people are sending money home. It has caused a few issues, we need to make it an official ruling that we can enforce.”

“Boss, the Chargers know better,” Bull looked up from where he was playing cards with Connor in the corner of the meeting room.

“Chargers fleecing people again?” Penny didn’t trust them to do anything that would leave them out of pocket, in a good way.

“Actually, it’s Ingrid,” Mary leaned forward.

“I mean she is pretty good at the old gambling I noticed, but is it Ingrid or is it Ingrid and Sera?” Penny asked as Sera waved at her from the corner of the room.

“Just Ingrid, she’s been the ring leader for fleecing lots of people, Connor in particular.”

“I feel like then that Connor should have learnt better,” Penny didn’t see why it was being brought up in the meeting.

“If we can put in an actual rule, then it will enforce it for everyone.” 

“Adaaaaarrrrrr,” Penny whined.

“Penny. Pass the motion.”

“All in favour, say aye?” This time there was more of a dissent, surprisingly though Bull and Sera both were ayes.

“Motion passed. If it causes issues, we will revisit in three months.” Adaar looked pleased, at least.

“Third?”

“The village, Boss it was meant to be for the Charger’s, we agreed.”

“That was before the stupid Inquisition moved the time up, there’s space inside the castle walls if your people arrive before we have the new accommodation built. Adaar has acquired more building contracts thanks to everyone’s favourite Cadash,” Penny waved at Cadash who was busy eating hunks of meat next to the fireplace.

“Wooden structures can be up in a month, stone will take longer.” Adaar glanced down at her notes. “You aren’t the only one who’s affected by this change, we were also planning on having the rest of our people here, but that is on hold until we get more accommodation built.”

“You can thank me that you aren’t fighting it out over who gets to bring their people first,” Shok gave Bull a dangerous smile.

“Yeah, appreciate it,” Bull nodded carefully.

“Wimp,” Penny grinned as he scowled at her.

“Alright any other business?”

“Clemence has something to ask?” Adaar checked the list.

“The management training was successful, production has increased and morale has improved in the Undercroft. More training has been offered and accepted.”

“Great, wonderful, any point beyond my ideas are wonderful?” Also how production had increased, considering it’d been two days at most since Adaar sat down and talked him through dealing with the staff.

“It should be offered to all department heads,” Clemence briefly touched her arm again.

“Ah, that’s a great idea - Adaar make it so. While we’re on it, any other training needs we seem to be missing at the moment?” Penny patted him on the hand before looking at Adaar.

“Sexual harassment,” Mary spoke up. 

“How do you mean?” Because Mary told Penny every time, Penny was being inappropriate.

“Well, at present everyone is behaved thanks to Cremisius and Herah, but we are taking an influx of people, we need to make sure all new employees know where the line is.” There was a firmness to Mary’s voice.

“That’s a great idea, all in favour say aye,” Penny wasn’t in the mood to sit through endless discussions about something that made sense. There was an overwhelming amount of ayes with no dissensions.

“We shall organise who runs it, perhaps a Tranquil, one of Mary’s, one from each merc group?” Adaar looked at the individuals in question, “Anders?”

“Sexual health if you like, but not necessarily sexual harassment,” Anders nodded at her.

“Actually maybe we should have an orientation system in place that they have to do introductory training before starting?” Penny regretted it as soon as she mentioned it.

“How do you mean?” Clemence was brushing her hand again.

“Well, so, we would have a brief introduction from the CEO and individual leaders. Orientation, where locations are within Shoptopia. Health and Safety. General rules. Sexual harassment and sexual health. Then ends it with a Q&A session? Then they get to spend the rest of the day shadowing whomever they are working with. We’d run it twice or once a month - and then every year a top-up session where we run through updates?” Penny wanted to stuff the words back in, but Adaar was furiously writing.

“You want to do health and safety?” Bull sounded incredulous.

“Well, if we don’t then if something happens we’re liable right?” Penny looked at Adaar who seemed momentarily confused, before shrugging. “Alright, then I’ll feel liable, but if we do, then I don’t need to worry about it.”

“You’re talking about Induction and mandatory training?” Sam leaned forward from where he’d been entertaining Jamie.

“Maybe? Yes, Induction. I think it’s probably something we should do and organise, that way we can have a good rating on the job market for potential new employees.”

“What are you talking about?” Adaar leaned forward to look at her.

“You know, the rumour goes out, whats Shoptopia like to work for? Oh, I would rate them a 10 out of 10. Or wow they are crap, don’t touch them with a barge pole.” Adaar just stared at her.

“We pay above the going rate for almost anywhere, no one is complaining about their contracts,” Mary spoke up before Adaar did.

“I mean we did lose some people,” Penny helpfully added.

“Because of other reasons, and since then we’ve lost not a single one. It’s unheard of, especially for the kind of people we’ve been hiring. To many, it’s a dream job,” Sam spoke up again. He never normally spoke up at meetings.

“I mean, it’s not that great,” Penny wrinkled her nose.

“You pay, as well as provide food and accommodation. Other than the issue with the assassins - we caught another two this morning - it’s easy and interesting work, Boss. We’re moving our people to be here, as is Shok’s lot, like it’s a big deal,” Bull winked at her.

“Speaking of assassins - no one is to speak to anyone they do not already know, our people are aware of this already. Cole is due back soon enough until then, we remain vigilant. Both groups are doing patrols, we’ve put the food and alcohol under lockdown to make sure nothing happens.” There was a pause as a general shuffling happened. “Bianca has sent word, we should hear back soon enough, but probably not before Cole arrives back. Penny this includes sleeping alone - the two new assassins were caught by the walls. Clemence has offered to take a watch if you feel uncomfortable with me. Anders and Connor are also willing, isn’t that right Anders?” 

“Yes, but no sex.” Bull snorted as she felt her mouth open.

“Connor is like a brother to me, don’t be gross Anders!” 

“Adaar, I will join Penny tonight,” Clemence announced, with Adaar shrugging. Welp, Clemence was pretty chill, so Penny didn’t have a massive issue with it, or not currently. She’d decide if he started snoring like the troll Adaar was at night.

“Wonderful, last order of business - fumigation. Penny, thanks to you, now everyone has been approaching Gerald,” Adaar pointed at the carpenter. “For their own fumigation signs. We shall have one sign only - and it’s not to be abused. Penny will have the sign with her, and it’s up to the individuals to borrow it from her. If this doesn’t work, we can rethink it.”

“Not the bar,” Bull leaned forward.

“Fumigation is a get out of jail free card for every building,” Penny shot back. She wasn’t going to be restricted by the giant just because he didn’t like not being able to drink all the time.

“The bar can be fumigated - but people can stick around to drink if they want to - and no more than once a week - twice a week can the sign be used in the bar.” Adaar tried for a compromise.

“Not in my chair,” Bull growled. Oh, he was still pissed about that, his bad…

“All in favour of one fumigation sign say aye,” Penny was the only one who said nay. She fancied having multiple set up all over so she could roll about from place to place. She could always get another one made up secretly.

“Any other business before we separate for the day?” Adaar looked around the hall.

“Several groups are setting up as clubs with members,” Sam looked to where Cadash was still slowly eating.

“Right?” Penny wanted to go climb into the bath and soak away the adult from her body. It was making her squeamish how responsible she’d been.

“Perhaps we should make sure all clubs memberships are registered?” Penny wasn’t sure at all what Sam was driving at, and Cole wasn’t here to help her cheat.

“He’s talking about the clubs that know about divan beds,” Cadash spoke up, looking directly at Penny.

“We are aware of who is attending, but the idea is a good one,” Adaar cast her eye around the table stopping randomly at some people.

“I’m not in any club,” Penny pouted at Cadash who winked at her.

“It’s interesting who is in the club.” Silence fell before Adaar murmured for Bull to remain as everyone else started filing out. Penny tried to but was stopped by not only Abelas who emerged from the shadows like the spectre he was, but Clemence, and Cadash.

“The Iron Bull, this knowledge is not to leave Shoptopia,” Adaar gave him a dangerous smile. “All communication is being monitored, and while you think that’s just a fun little challenge. Cole isn’t the only one who can read your thoughts. I am not the only one with spies throughout the place, and Cadash isn’t the only one who controls all the hiding places. Don’t betray Penny’s trust in you now, not when you are this close to living a happy, peaceful life full of sex, dragon killing, and family.” 

“It doesn’t have anything to do with the Inquisition or the rifts. Not what they wanted to know. They were happy to know the Inquisition would be moving in though,” Bull leaned back in his chair. Penny knew better than to trust he wouldn’t attack if he thought he needed to if only so he went down with a fight.

“Cadash?” Adaar looked at their dwarven benefactor.

“I’ll take him with me,” Penny swore she felt chills as Cadash gave a much scarier smile than Adaar had.

“I need him back, he’s a great lay. A bit scary at times, but really inspired,” Penny mentioned it before Bull didn’t return from wherever Cadash was going to take him.

“Need to go get a refugee, before they end up splattered,” Cadash winked at her. “Don’t worry, he won’t meet his end in the middle of the deep roads, as long as he behaves.” Since when did Cadash have fangs, did all dwarves have fangs. Abelas placed his hand over her mouth as she began to open it.

“Vindictive will make sure the spy does not spill the secrets,” Abelas gave Bull a creepy smile. “Melvara will make sure of it.” Melvara emerged from the shadows next to Cadash, and Bull looked for almost a moment, to Penny’s eyes, as if he was considering attacking. The tension disappeared as he relaxed.

“Sweet, can’t wait to ride you when you get back!” Penny gave him a cheery wave, as Clemence dragged her off towards the bedroom, not allowing her to deviate at all.

“It has been agreed that the one named Kaaris will provide sustenance. Tippany has taken over the department head duties to allow for my absence.” Penny shrugged, she hadn’t asked, she didn’t even precisely care. Snuggling was fun by itself, even if it was with Clemence who was able to give her an ulcer without even trying that hard.

Snuggle they did. He was very touchy. Penny let a thought skitter across her brain for a moment, before dismissing it. “If you snore, I will roll you over,” she said as they settled down for the night.

“If I snore, it will be the first time in my life.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm editing, so should resume normal posting schedule again. Apologies


	44. Letters

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Letters

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Apologies for the awful spelling/grammar in this, Penny got very excited writing these.

_Dear Cole,_

_WHERE ARE YOU!!! I am sooo bored and they won’t let me do anything because you aren’t here to stop me from doing stuff they don’t like. Which is nothing, because you never stop me doing anything._

_It’s so dull. Clemence is weird. Adaar is dull. Abelas is fun, like weirdly fun, he keeps doing cool things like trying to teach me fun stuff. Tippany has a massive crush on Adaar and never gets the hint, so at least I keep getting Adaar smooches, smooches is the best word to describe them because they aren’t full on snogs. No tongue but pretty involved._

_Mary is going slowly demented around her sister and mother. It’s semi hilarious but Jamie is having a ball. Oh and I can walk really far on my hands now, I get lots of practice. It’s strengthening my core and shit. I have no idea if it is, but it’s a lot of fun, until they start climbing me and stand on my crotch and then it’s painsville._

_Other news, Cadash returned with Bull. He looked well shagged. Like really well shagged and Cadash just kept smirking, so I can only imagine. Still not allowed to be alone with him. Oh and Bull is sleeping with one of the alchemists and Dagna as well! It’s a regular old partner swapping party in the Undercroft. Clemence doesn’t seem to mind so much, or he didn’t until Sera and Ingrid got involved in it, cos apparently I was right all along and Sera and Dagna are soul mates with Ingrid. It’s pretty scary when you hear them laugh - less chair throwing and more complete mania. I love it! Alright so maybe it’s not completely dull._

_BEES!_

_They’ve been banned from touching the training dummies, because Bull got really irate being stung that many times. I could have said something, but that would have involved me like… caring. Or no - that’s not it, words why do you fail me. It’s not that I didn’t care, but you know how you like to prod at knots, well I like to see the outcome and enjoy it._

_Adaar was really upset. Partly because Bull stormed into her office and ranted for a full hour. I offered to ease his ire with my body and Adaar was like no. I mean why not right? Anyway Anders managed to heal the stings, after Stitches couldn’t do much more than what he did._

_But we have honey, like lots of honey - well not from Sera’s bees, but Sam’s been bringing in lots of honey. You know how we sent word to the people of the mining town, well it seems they appreciated the help and sent us - not honey. I have no idea where that came from, but they sent us some snofleurs. Adaar wasn’t happy either, because she wants to know why I asked for some._

_I love them though, they are cute! Like properly cute, and make adorable noises. We have started giving piggy rides - which is so cute. The tanner made some cute little saddles for them. Still not as adorable as my lovely wonderful girl, but still pretty cute. We’re getting rams as well, but they are on hold until we have more pen space for them. That’s been shifted up the old priority chain. Adaar loves it when I do that!_

_I trust that the stupid Inquisition has been nice to you. If not they can all jump off a big cliff. We won’t really need them after she does the big one, and then we can organise a big group to go kill the old prick who wants to be a god. I will tell Adaar to start preparing. She’ll love it._

_Alright maybe she won’t also I know that she’s never going to let me send this, but that’s ok because I will talk to Samahl who definitely will. She’s like a much taller, me._

_Hmm what else do I need to tell you about? Oh! Hairdressing, so the book of intricate hairstyles from around Thedas turned up, apparently it wasn’t a thing until we started asking about it. So what happened was they sent off for all different manuals and then had the printers pull them apart and rebind them in a pleasing manner. So now the hairdressers are doing them, and then someone not me is sketching them out, and they are going to do a full colour one just for us._

_ALSO._

_It’s not just Thedas styles, it’s like home styles too. Its really cool, I have no idea where they got the home styles from, but I think it’s the same place as whomever suggested about the Divan bed. Omfgs. Seriously, people are trying to scam the system. Well don’t worry I stopped that right off. Trying to sell ideas they didn’t come up with, not having it. Now the idea about music boxes yes. But no one can make it work yet. But when they can._

_Apparently Dagna needs another two of her to deal with all the ideas flooding in. Bianca is focusing only on weaponry and big sex toys currently, but that’s fine. The rack system is amazing and I adore it. It comes with electrified clamps, and a full turning system._

_Oh oh oh. I miss you. Like really miss you._

_Also Anders is such a married old woman now him and Connor are properly shacked up. It’s all “I need to go to bed early,” and “Penny can I borrow the fumigation sign” please. What happened to the fun Anders?_

_Ingrid ranted at me for ages about the chat I had with Clemence about making her do actual work. Still now she has to do the scut work too. It’s good for her, and probably the reason why she’s hooking up with Dagna because now her and Sera are spending time in the Undercroft instead of whatever slack work Clemence was letting her get away with…_

_Lots and lots and lots of love,_

_Penny._

_P.s. please come back soon. Xoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxxoxoxxoxoxoxxoxxoxoxxoxxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxo_

_Dear Ali,_

_I miss you, but it’s ok. Because they keep assuring me that they’ll get the mirrors set up properly but then they assure me about lots of things._

_The Hand of Korth is very good. Well no, he’s like a 7 on the scale, but he has vigour like a lot of it. Very glad I got to climb his pole. Oh and Clemence is being very clingy in bed - not that we’re shagging cos that’s a bit weird, but he’s being like Cole does and clinging to me which is sort of nice. He doesn’t snore either!_

_Other news for you to know about? Uh they measured me up for a strapon set up so I can’t wait to try it with you! Also they’ve designed this massive spider web for us to play with too. Like with bindings to keep people in place - I say people because it’s huge! Like really big! It’s frigging awesome!_

_Oh other news, so people are trying to scam the system. Adaar went demented about the free booze thing, because someone, mentioning no names - the Chargers, had a drinking competition. Bull forgot to make a note of the final tally and we ran out of ale. Like actually ran out. Krem had to go out with a special cart load to collect more and the Charger’s are currently being super nice to everyone after there was major uproar again._

_Oh other news is that Bianca managed to get Dagna so upset that Dagna wouldn’t talk to anyone for a whole day. Oh - also do you know where Sandal is? Anders doesn’t but you might have kept track of him and his father. If not when they hook up the Kirkwall mirror I’ll pop over and talk to Carver cos he really should know. I did notice - I think I noticed anyway - that they weren’t about but that doesn’t mean anything._

_My memory is so fucking awesome now. I mean maybe it’s not, but it’s definitely better. I can remember conversations I had. Like Adaar tried to tell me something she’d already told me and looked really proud when I told her I knew! Granted it was about something interesting and not dull, but still progress right!_

_I’ve enclosed a pair of panties I wore for you - I hope you like them. Mary was most jealous of the black silk, but I pulled rank and privilege and got the first five pairs. Granted Adaar claimed there was no point as I never wore underwear which is so untrue - you love ripping it away so I do wear it! And I have to when playing with the kids because they like to crawl all over and I don’t want to help explain biology._

_I learnt a new trick by the way. I won’t tell you what it is, but it’s not the ball trick I told you about because I don’t think I’ll ever be able to do that. I must make a note to ask Adaar to track down someone who can though because you have never seen anything like it!_

_Anything else I need to tell you about? Probably not other than how much I miss you! OH! So I don’t know if you knew but they’ve been removing the nails, and now I have none! It’s amazing. They can’t get all of the gravel out just yet, but the nails are gone, and Dagna used a couple to design screws and then a screwdriver so the carpenters are really happy. I told you there was a bright side to this._

_The blade is stuck still, but it’s not too bad, because they think that another few months and maybe with the help of the necromancers they can remove it safely. Then I won’t have anything in my skin any more - other than the anklet. Maryelf who isn’t called Maryelf but she still reminds me a lot of Mary isn’t happy about the anklet, she keeps trying to remove it whenever we are together to the point that Ablelas sent her off to go visit somewhere else._

_Did you know there are other sentinel places? I mean it makes sense, but yeah, they are trying to set up the system so they can access strike forces - well that’s not what they said. Also you need to burn this after reading, even Samahl said cos Adaar would go fucking nuts if she saw I was sending you this._

_Adaar - Adaar is a good kisser, but she’s clearly not interested in anything more and I don’t think she even really wants to kiss but it keeps Tippany away. Did you know that Adaar liked Josephine, says she’s a sensible little doll. I think that’s my next couple. Anders says that I can’t claim that every couple in Shoptopia is down to me. Well I call bull on that!_

_Anders and Connor - clearly me._

_Sera and Ingrid - clearly me._

_Dagna and everyone else - clearly me._

_Sam and Mary - well maybe not but they are alive and they might not be without me so I call that one mine too._

_Krem and Maryden - definitely me._

_Literally all couples in Shoptopia are because of me! ALL OF THEM! Insert insane maniacal cackling, because I am but I can’t insert it into the letter, but I am. I am a queen of matchmaking._

_Oh - uh before you use the training dummies here - or if Sera and Ingrid visit again, there check them for buzzing sounds. They filled ours with bees and properly got Bull good with it. Adaar is pulling the CEO card, but how long it works for is another matter you know._

_Anything else?_

_I mean there’s lots of things, my fingers are worn to stumps the amount of masturbating I’m having to do. Your arm must have gotten bigger too, although maybe you’re shagging people, which is fine but I am jealous cos Adaar went demented when she found the Hand of Korth in my chambers snoring loudly. It was the point where she stopped me completely from sleeping alone no matter how good I’ve been. I was really good and it was worth it._

_Still, Anders and Connor won’t sleep with me, which is good because I don’t want to sleep with Connor. And Sera and Ingrid are just too… well I think the place would implode if I joined them. And then I start running out of trusted people I can shag. I tried hard with Adaar but nothing you know…_

_So other than that I’m left with masturbating and toys. Which is fun - they’ve come up with some great toys. Adaar had them make me a chastity belt too, which she keeps threatening me with. I don’t know how I feel about it, a bit squirmy. If she meant it for reals like as part of a game then yes, but without that aspect it has no appeal._

_We should try? They can do cages too, or I’m sure they could if we gave them specs._

_Oh and we turned an honest profit. I say honest, I mean one that didn’t involve me stealing from nonfereldens. Because I would never steal from a Ferelden. Apparently the flavourless cum changers are a big hit in Antiva, and they ordered and paid for three huge vats of the stuff! And we are getting orders flooding in from all over._

_Miss you lots._

_Lots and lots of love,_

_Penny._

_P.s. I have a list of new things to do. Penny xoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxxoxoxoxoxxoxoxoxoxxoxoxoxoxoxxoxoxoxxoxxoxoxxoxxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxxoxoxxoxoxoxox._

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I have some first meets, do I put them in as interludes or just make this into a series and add them as extras?


	45. What about Tippany?

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> A mean trick is played on poor Penny.

“Focus,” Abelas stood in front of her with an arrow pointed at her hands.

“I am focusing, you have a bloody big arrow pointed where my hands are, what am I supposed to be focusing on?” Other than Jamie sneaking up on her to jump onto her legs and dangle like a cat on a toy. “OH, ADAAR!” This had to be a brand new marketable idea no one else would’ve ever come up with.

“Please don’t bellow, I am stood right next to you?” Adaar stepped into her line of sight.

“Cat toys - you know how cats chase string - well what we do is put a pompom or something on a stick on a string and cover it in scratching material like rope and they shred it. We can call it a scratching post.” 

“It can go on the list, I can’t see a big market for it though,” Adaar made a note, or at least Penny thought she did, it was a bit difficult to see through her hair.

“Jamie, please don’t boot me in the groin,” she pleaded, followed by Jamie giggling.

“Better, now explain how you knew it was Jamie,” Abelas sounded smug to her ears.

“Because it’s always Jamie - now it’s Darcy - Darcy if you use your nails I will not be happy,” she could recognise the feel of Darcy’s little fingers scratching through her shirt material. No matter how many times they cut her nails, they were always like cat claws. It was at this point that the thought struck her that maybe, just maybe, as cats were Darcy’s favourite creatures of all time ever, more so than the giant dragon, that she was deliberately doing it.

“Darcy,” Mary shouted across the space, and the tiny nails retracted, no doubt leaving pinpricks in her skin again. 

“You know she’s probably a mage right?” 

“How do you know?” Adaar sounded bored, as Jamie managed to stand on Penny’s feet so tall in the sky that she could almost - “Jamie, want to fly?”

“Penny, no.” Adaar was so mean.

“YES!” Jamie was all for it, as Penny bent her knees carefully, she could feel him holding steady, he was a regular little goat, and then springing her legs back straight as Jamie lept, there wasn’t the sound of a splat, but more of an oomph a and high pitched giggling. 

“Penny, what part of no do you not understand?” Adaar smacked the top of her feet. A hushing noise and then Abelas, “Again.”

This was easy, she could feel the space expand with mischief, Sera alone was more of a buzzing cheer, and Ingrid a manic squeak, but together it was like the worlds fizziest pop. Put Dagna into the mix, and it was drinking the worlds fizziest pop while eating a mento. 

“Sera and Ingrid - Dagna isn’t here, but she’s close,” because her mouth was filling with raucousness.

“Anyone else?” The arrow hit something inches from her face, eww it was one of the blasted spiders Patrick liked to carry around with him even though they were faintly poisonous. 

“Adaar,” she cheated.

“Focus,” Abelas bent down to retrieve his arrow, tossing the spider to someone else, waste not want not, no doubt they could use it for something like the poison glands for making laced cocktails for the not so faint of heart.

She took a deep breath, Jamie was definitely still there, in fact, six of the children were, but she’d named them. The children were easy, each with little quirks she could recognise. Abelas, but that was cheating. Mary didn’t count as she wasn’t there properly, she was working with her people while keeping half an eye on the children. Penny was reasonably sure she was included in that list.

“Anders,” sort of cheating. Anders in Shoptopia was always able to locate her, and she was getting the same way thanks to Justice. Connor was harder to locate, she could tell when he was very near, but it was like… Cole was much better at making the words work. She didn’t know what it was like with Connor, there was something different. 

“Who?” she couldn’t pick them out, there was definitely something else - someone else there but who. Who felt like that, a colder zone, sucking the fun out of everything. Not Clemence, Clemence varied, he was a void at times and then others spurting with warmth. Not someone who was a colder feel to them. “Bianca?” No Bianca was hot and spiked. Cold, smooth, chilly, dull. “I - I don’t know? Wait, let me think about it for a bit, I need time to think.”

There was silence beyond Jamie’s giggling as she closed her eyes tightly, tasting the cold and trying to picture the shape of it. Female, definitely female. “Thingy from the Undercroft, no not thingy, Tippany! It’s Tippany!” Abelas didn’t respond, merely tipping her back onto her feet. Tippany was busy hanging off Adaar’s arm, fluttering her lashes.

“Better,” which was the highest of praise from him. 

“Penny,” Adaar’s voice cracked a bit. It was time to have another chat with Tippany about Adaar’s boundaries.

“Tippany - leave her alone, or do I need to get you spayed?” Tippany paled as Adaar gave Penny a puzzled look.

“Herah dear, it’s time for the meeting with the department heads,” Mary called over, as Adaar extracted herself from the limpet clasp.

“Tippany, you and me need another nice long chat…” With Abelas because without Adaar there, Abelas wouldn’t leave her alone, clearly trusting the others as much as Cole did.

Jamie disappeared off with all the others, while Tippany settled down on the small bench looking innocent.

“I know that Adaar is a beautiful woman, hell, if she said yes I would scale her any time, anywhere. But this has got to stop, I don’t enjoy being used to put you off. Like, yes she can kiss, but I don’t want kisses because she’d rather avoid you. If it continues to be an issue we will just send you away,” Penny ignored the subtle shifting from Abelas. Yeah, Tippany would be lucky to leave alive, she knew too much it was pretty obvious. Still best not to tell her that.

“She hasn’t said she doesn’t return my affections,” Tippany clasped her hands coyly in her lap. All she needed was a prayer book and she’d be a proper good Christian Sunday schooler.

“I mean she has, literally all the time. No means no, just because you are female and smaller doesn’t make it any less wrong.”

“She hasn’t said no, she just keeps kissing you,” Tippany looked her dead in the eye.

“Which is pretty much saying no,” Penny was doing her best to be nice about it.

“If she says no, then I’ll drop it, but how do I know that’s she’s not just playing hard to get? I’ve tried all the lines that should work, I’ve even gotten her a kadan thing,” Tippany pulled out the necklace. 

“You can clearly see she feels uncomfortable,” Penny facepalmed as Tippany shook her head. “The woman, who spends all her time berating me, and yelling at Bull, just ran away from you.”

“How do you know?” Tippany leaned forward, for the briefest moment, Penny thought that this time she’d gotten through to the woman.

“Because she’s my best friend. Like you know when thingy, who you work with gets upset about Dagna sleeping with Sera and Ingrid,” wait a second, how did she know that? Oh because Bull spent a while complaining that the female angst was interfering with his drinking time. Adaar said it was because he’d been living the dream of two women in a relationship until Dagna messed it up for him.

“You mean Jo?” Tippany frowned.

“Maybe, I just know her as thingy, cos she won’t talk to me,” Penny was pretty sure she hadn’t talked to her anyway.

“Penny, you sat next to her at lunch yesterday and chatted about Bull’s arm’s muscles in comparison to the Hand of Korth’s,” Tippany said, continuing to frown.

“Ooh, that’s Jo? Who am I thinking about?” Because she recognised the muscle appreciator girl. Who was the sad-sack whining about Dagna?

“Jo was dating Dagna and the Iron Bull,” Tippany said.

“Oh, so who’s thingy?” Penny looked at Abelas, who was paying no attention to her whatsoever.

“Clare?” Tippany asked.

“Which one is Clare?”

“Clare is the one who says she is Clare without an I, and then Sera said she is a human the Iron Bull,” Tippany said, tilting her head.

“Clare without an eye?” Penny was sure she’d remember employing another person missing an eye.

“No, I, the letter not the body part,” Tippany said.

“Clare without an I? I mean, I feel like I would remember that if I’d heard it because I like to make notes of how people spell their names. Also, that seems like something from home would say.” She’d gone to school with two Claire/Clare’s. One with, one without. It always seemed like the most important thing in the world to them.

“Alison?” Tippany tried again.

“Alright, give me the low down on Alison?”

“She’s been working with the stable lot, likes horses, looks a bit like one? Apparently, she used to ride every day, and has found her calling coming here.” 

“Right… Yeah, I don’t think it’s her either, thingy, you know thingy?” Maybe she imagined thingy now. “She works with you in the Undercroft.”

“Jo, Dagna, Ingrid.”

“I know Ingrid and Dagna, it must be Jo, but I knew Jo’s name.” Did she? Penny was confused now, was Jo thingy after all of this.

“Unless you mean Sandra? She did work with us for a bit until she fell out with Dagna and chose to work with Bianca instead. We’re not allowed to mention her name though, or not around Dagna.”

“Sandra, Sandra, Sandra - did she used to sing about being Sandradee?” Because that might be it.

“Yes, said she was looking for her Danny,” Tippany said, shaking her head.

“She used to sing that stupid song?” Because it was definitely ringing a bell.

“She isn’t dead, I mean she is to Dagna, but her and Bianca seem to be getting on really well, which probably doesn’t bode well for the next meeting,” Tippany smoothed out her dress with the faintest smile on her face.

“Anyway, so yes, getting back to the original point, don’t make me put you through sexual harassment training by yourself, because you won’t like it.” Penny felt like her job was done, “Now, tell me more about Sandra, because was she the one that asked for her uniform to be done in that skintight leather that they said she’d have to be sewn into?”

“Yes, and then she couldn’t work all day because she couldn’t bend over, but it was alright in the end because they stopped her from being able to put the shoes on she’d ordered from Mary, you should have seen them, the heel on them was insane.” Tippany spread her fingers out and then narrowed to a thin point.

“She thought she was from Grease - I bet her name isn’t even Sandra then!” Penny cackled.

“Oh no, apparently it is, and that’s why she’s called it, because her parents liked Olivia Newtron Bomb,” Tippany giggled.

“Oh gods, I mean in fairness, she does look a little bit like her? I think. She is the blonde one, with the bouncy hair, right?” 

“So bouncy, she paid the hairdressers extra to make it look a certain way, in fact, if it wasn’t for Alice knowing what she meant, I don’t think they’d have been able to do it. But it has opened up a new line of lines, so we’re trying to work out how to do perms, which is harder because while Alice and Steffie worked for salons as stylists, they didn’t do perms. They weren’t that kind of hairstylists. But between us, we think we can work out an alchemical formula, or we hope we can.” Tippany warmed up, leaning forward gesturing with her hands.

“That’s really cool, so what else do we need?”

“Well, if someone applies who knew what chemicals went into it, it would help. I was a barista, so I can mix, but I was planning on being an Actor, so it was only a part-time gig. Clemence is really good at adapting ideas though, he was the one who figured out how to make the stuff that worked for you in conjunction with Dagna. We just need a few extra steps for him to make the leap,” Tippany was practically glowing.

“Clemence is pretty good, I don’t understand why everyone had such an issue with him,” Penny didn’t look at anyone as she said it. Because currently, she hadn’t had any issues with Clemence, so that meant she’d never had reason to have a problem with him. Like Ingrid.

“Mischief, we still have work to do,” Abelas interrupted her bonding session with Tippany.

“Mischief? Is that like Minx?” Tippany asked, before blushing, “Sorry, I shouldn’t ask.”

“Nah, it’s fine, Abelas hasn’t succumbed to my charms yet, but I hold out, don’t I big guy?” Penny winked at her much taller elfish friend.

“You have charms?” came the dry retort, and she burst into giggles.

“You love me really Abby, you just don’t want to frighten me by how strong you feel it,” Penny giggled, waving to Tippany who chose to sneak away as Abelas shot an arrow at Penny’s feet, killing yet another spider.

“Tippany, come back - you need to take this for Clemence!” She shouted, tossing the dead thing at Tippany who got a curious look on her face.

“Mischief, take us to Samahl,” Abelas ordered, retrieving his arrow with a flourish.

“Sir, yes Sir,” Penny saluted snapping her heels together. 

“Try to do it without speaking aloud,” he continued on with a slyness, “And on your feet, not your hands.”

Ugh, so many rules. It was like Abelas knew she could feel better with her hands than her feet, thanks to the insistence that she wear shoes, and not for her to wear gloves.

AH, but he hadn’t said she couldn’t touch the walls. Using her hands didn’t help, beyond steadying her as she turned around like a compass on a magnet.

Closing her eyes only helped the feeling of being on a rollercoaster, and the urge to throw up. Now to focus on what Samahl felt like, laughter, glee, familiar. She found Jamie again first, and then Mary because she wanted a hug. Adaar was also there because Adaar pinged loudly. Also, she knew where they were and it totally fooled Abelas who was completely fooled by her mad abilities.

Samahl was not in any of the Sentinel places, which was cheating. Nor was she in the Undercroft with Dagna and Sera, Ingrid was missing too. HER ROOMS! That sounded like where they would be. They were not. Neither were they in the Tavern, or in the kitchens, which was odd because Ingrid was hungry a lot when she’d been expending lots of magic.

“Focus,” Abelas wasn’t sniffy, in fact, he looked almost pleased.

Where would two mischievous people hide in Shoptopia? Sera’s rooms were empty, as was Bull’s. The Stables were empty and she was getting pissy. These were all places they should have been, she knew they should have been here. Neither of them rogues so they couldn’t invisible either. If they were, it was cheating, and she didn’t like cheaters. Well, not when it was an unfair disadvantage to her.

“Where is Samahl?” He asked again.

She decided she’d do this once more and if she still couldn’t find her, well Penny would just retire to bed like an old-time woman.

Time to focus really hard on where her new arch-nemesis would be. They were not at the wolf statue which was covered in handprint flowers and big swathes of ugly patterned material.

Instead, she stuck her tongue out at Abelas and departed for her room. Clemence waiting for her appear so he could inform her all about his day. Which involved lots of explaining about why she needed to hire more alchemists. Clemence was drifting asleep when a thought hit her.

“He just wanted to wear me out,” the utter bastard. He’d had Penny roaming all over chasing her own tail, and she kept out of trouble. Sneaky sentinel bastard!

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Spoiler - Ingrid and Samahl were just leaving as they heard them arriving, and moving to a new place. Because it's totally what Penny would do too.
> 
> Thank you for the kudos and comments! I am getting back on track again with posting, yay Vicky! I do appreciate it a lot. And not much longer until Cole returns.


	46. Interlude : Clemence

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The first time that Clemence met Penny.

The first time that Clemence came across Penny, Penny was not Penny. She wasn’t anything. The first time Clemence came across the being he now knew as Penny, she was stealing seeds from a garden in the middle of the day. She was surrounded by people, but only he appeared to see her. She wasn’t subtle about stealing, she dug about the roots pulling up an expensive ornate shrub, scattering mud over the feet of the people around her. No one reacted when she took all the seeds from rare herbs, nor when she pulled faces at them. Not until after she’d left, when the hole was stumbled on did the shouting began.

The first time he touched her, she brushed past him on her way to steal some more seeds from the next house. He’d followed her, having spotted her again, walking through the small crowds of people. Her touch was different, it left an impression on his skin, where it tingled for the rest of the working day. She’d smiled at him, a smile he’d seen on the apprentices when they were caught out of bounds.

The first time he spoke to her, she’d noticed him watching her again, and grinned the most mischievous grin he’d seen on an adult. The first words she spoke had been, “I won’t tell if you don’t,” which made no sense. Until he looked down and saw she’d slipped a royal elfroot into his hand, making him into a thief. He felt something, he wasn’t sure what. He failed to mention it to anyone, no one asked him if anything new had occurred, no one asked why he kept touching his arm, nor why he’d insisted on attending all trips out to the local village.

The first time he knew what she was, occurred after Compassion was revealed. The first time he’d cried was after she woke up and stared at him with huge scared eyes. Ingrid, the child who looked like his first love, walked in as he was clutching her hand reassuring Penny, who was not Penny, that the Tranquil stood with her.

The first time he dared to believe his tranquillity could be cured, was when the Elves appeared. His feelings lingered longer and longer each time he was close to Penny. The first time he smiled was as Ingrid clung to his arm and babbled about Sera. She did not notice, but Penny, Penny who was sat next to him waiting for her escort, nudged him with her shoulder and pulled sappy faces.

The first time he felt safe was when he prodded at the benevolent dictator and she rolled over again and again. He felt safe. He felt.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I have more, like a lot more of these. Some of them have spoilers so I will add them when they are no longer spoilers but I thought that it would be nice to have the occasional other pov thrown in now and again.


	47. This one time in bandcamp

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Another successful meeting.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> warning straight into explicitness. I almost didn't put a warning but then I figured it is in the first paragraph so... My due diligence.

“So there I was, sat completely naked, having just had the best phone sex of my life, and then the door creaks open, I roll off the bed to hide as it’s my grandmother walking in to see what I’m doing that’s so noisy. Well, we didn’t talk to each other for the rest of her stay. Nothing like being caught starkers in your parent’s room, with a bright purple dildo, sweating like a piglet!” Bull was grinning at her, with someone else bursting out into shocked giggles behind her.

“I’m not sure you needed to bring that up in the meeting Penny, but thank you for another enlightening discussion as to the need to have different coloured dildos,” Adaar said, tapping her papers together loudly.

“Oh I can tell you another great story of almost losing a marble inside because I couldn’t then get it out again. So like, I read about these ben wa balls, and I didn’t have access to them, so I thought I could make my own. I properly panicked for ages trying to extract them,” Penny enjoyed the face Adaar pulled at her.

“Thank you, Penny, it’s time for other people to speak.” Ha, if Adaar thought that was going to shut her up when they were having a discussion about ideas for future products she was sadly mistaken.

“We had a guy who got a horn stuck up his -” Bull started.

“Thank you Bull, this is a business meeting to discuss future products, not a trip down memory lane.” Adaar was doing her best, Penny felt for her, she really did.

“Alright so, there was this one time where I had a guy tied up on the bed, and we were doing sensation play, so I was painting him with washable paints. But I am an artist and did his entire torso. Purple paint stains way longer than the other colours, he couldn’t go swimming for three weeks because he didn’t want to explain why he had flowers all over his body,” Penny continued on, beaming at Bull who winked. They would tag-team Adaar until she yelled. Penny had 10 on Adaar breaking after the tenth story, and Bull had her on the 8th, they just needed one more story to see if Bull won.

“There was this really sweet set that we watched being played with. The finest needles being stuck in the girl’s tits until she looked like Stitches doll,” Bull settled back in his chair. “Quite long ones, the girl looked like she was having the time of her life. Well, then Rocky steps up to join in, ends up with the sharpest sack of all the Chargers. He didn’t have to pay for drinks for the rest of the tour.”

“Back to the topic in hand, new products.”

“Did she have them roped up too, you know how they look super cool, like a barbie doll, all perky and then bursting with colour and silver?” Penny asked Bull, watching Adaar break a quill in the background as they diverted the meeting again.

“Nah Boss, just some sweet pink ribbons, she looked like a present until they got the needles out.”

“Adaar, we should totes see if we can get them to do demonstrations and courses so we can offer that, but also combine it with rope play, because it looks totes sweet with rope play.”

There was a pause as Penny could hear Adaar grinding her teeth. “Right.”

“Alright so have you heard about this one? So there was this one time at band camp…” Penny couldn’t help the giggles as the sound of claws on the table came from Adaar. Someone groaned behind her, and then someone else giggled.

“We can go into that later after the meeting has concluded. Does anyone other than Penny or the Iron Bull have something to say - I said anyone else Penny,” Adaar growled as Penny opened her mouth again.

There was a knock at the door followed by a head poking round. “Adaar, Shok says to let you know the carts are coming in, lots of them…”

“Thank fuck - I mean wonderful - we will pick this meeting up after the carts have arrived.” Adaar slammed her quill down and grabbed the parchment ducking out before she could be stopped.

“She’s not normally that interested in the carts, that’s more Mary’s thing than Adaar’s,” Penny pointed out, holding her hand for payment from Bull.

“You didn’t win,” Bull said, lumbering to his feet.

“You definitely didn’t, so that means I did,” Penny whined, accepting his hand to stand up.

“Doesn’t mean you did though, does it,” Connor piped up, tossing a drawing onto the table of the benwa balls mentioned. “Dagna could get them to do more than just move a bit inside.”

“I can too, it’s not difficult. Dagna pretends that everything she does is inspired, but I am the inspired one. I’ll be the one with giant statues in Orzammar, not Dagna.” Bianca snatched the drawing up.

“There are statues of her all over the place. Every time I see a tree, I see the giant stick up your arse, Bianca,” Dagna cooed, taking the sketch as Bianca spluttered in outrage. 

“Surprised you are still here actually Penny,” Connor mentioned idly, making his way to the door.

“Like I welcome the carts each time,” she rolled her eyes, then paused as they all looked at her with concern. “What?”

“Don’t tell her,” Bull grinned.

“Tell me!” 

“Nah, let her figure it out on her own,” Bull winked leaving her gaping in his wake.

“CONNOR SOMETHING SOMETHING GUERRIN!” Penny yelled as Connor left smirking, “Someone tell me what I’m missing!”

“If you focused instead of shouting all the time you would know,” Abelas smacked her on the side of the head as he also left.

“I hate all of you so much,” she whined, rubbing the hurt away.

There was no sight of anyone from the main gates, with Adaar busy organising space to be made for the carts. It was like a small hive of activity, with the usual suspects loitering and making a nuisance while Adaar did all the hard work.

“Are you excited?” Adaar asked her in between yelling at Bull to move the training gear that had made it’s way down to the main traffic area to make room for the party they’d had the previous night.

“It’s a cart unless it’s bringing me something fun, why would I? Oh is it bringing those animals I told you we really needed?” Because she wanted a petting zoo, and someone in Antiva was touting that they’d bred different coloured fox kits that were very friendly and she’d put in an order for all of them. 

“No, and we are not spending that much on a whim, we talked about that.”

“But everyone will come to pet them, they’ll be so soft and cuddly and I want them!”

“No.”

“You aren’t my mum,” Penny whined, kicked her heels against the ground and hiding the wince from jarring her ankle.

“Don’t make me get Mary to tell you off. Stop hurting your ankle as well, Anders will have my guts for garters.” Adaar sighed, placing hands on her shoulders to keep her still.

“She’s sulking because she’s forgotten which day it is,” Bull helped.

“I’m not sulking; you are all being really really really mean to me today after I bared my soul to you too!” Penny gave her best pout, which did nothing to her evil CEO.

“Uh huh, Bull, when I told you to move all of the training dummies I didn’t mean push them to the side. They need to back in the training area.” Adaar glared at her arch-nemesis, or that’s how Penny thought she felt about their relationship.

“We’re only going to move them back down again afterwards,” Bull reasoned.

“We aren’t because until the culprit who defiled my office comes forward, no more parties.” Adaar gave Penny a look.

“It wasn’t me, I wouldn’t dream of defiling your office like that, I would also admit to it too!”

“Sera and Ingrid also would, which leaves my office destroyed and until someone confesses no more parties. Be grateful that I didn’t close the tavern,” Adaar glared at them all.

“Yeah only cos you’d have a revolution on your hands,” Penny said before Bull could say whatever it was he was going to that would result in a full-on scrap.

“Shift everything back up to the training area, I won’t tell you again,” Adaar warned, her fingers snapping the clipboard in two. It was the fourth one that day.

“You don’t want her to start counting,” Penny offered as the Chargers started shuffling around unsure of what to do as Bull held his hand up to stop them following her order.

“They are my people,” he squared up to Adaar.

“Are you refusing an order?” Adaar stood straight, matching him inch for inch.

“Uh guys, we all know Adaar has the bigger schlong, so let’s stop waving it about?” Penny was feeling wary about the way the Sentinels appeared at the outskirts with Samahl standing next to her suddenly.

“Step back,” Samahl whispered into Penny’s ear.

“Herah dear, why hasn’t Bull moved the dummies out of the way? We need the space for unloading, Ian has seven carts with him and we have storm clouds rolling in.” Mary looked up to where the dark clouds were rolling in. 

“Bull’s just getting to it now, then it’s all hands on deck to get it unpacked and stored away.” Adaar gave a false smile as the Chargers hopped to it the moment Bull nodded.

“Sorry about that, Mary, we had a bit of a misunderstanding,” Bull returned the false smile.

“Penny dear, you are very restrained, are you alright?” Mary asked as soon as the activity started up again.

“I’m fine, to be honest, if nothings happening I might go for a bath, CONNOR!” She bellowed, ignoring the shocked expression.

“I’m not sure you have time if you want to be here when they arrive,” Mary spoke carefully.

“That’s fine, I mean I’m not here all the time when the carts come in. I know occasionally I am, but that’s more by accident than design. Like maybe once in a blue moon?” Penny was getting tired of the insinuation she’d need to do some work, because she wasn’t going to be allowed to in case she dropped something again, on her ankle.

“She’s got no clue,” Adaar scrubbed at her neck. 

“Didn’t you remind her?” Mary gave the CEO a very stern look.

“Just tell me already!” Penny demanded, stomping her foot.

“The magic word?” Mary gave her an arched look.

“Please tell me what I am missing, please, please, please, please, please!” 

“The carts are coming from Haven, Penny,” Mary said gently with a pleased smile.

“And?” Penny wanted to flail at the lack of information.

“Penny, who was coming back from Haven today, after being away for a bit?” Adaar asked slowly like Penny was an idiot.

“COLE!” Penny launched herself forward, grabbing onto Adaar with a death grip. “You better not be messing with me, because if you are, I will make your life a living nightmare full of pain and anguish!” 

“Yes Cole, we mentioned it last night that they’d left Haven and were on route back here,” Adaar said patiently, prising Penny’s fingers away.

“I would have remembered if you had because I would have ridden out to meet them,” Penny couldn’t believe they hadn’t told her until now he was actually coming back.

“No, you were definitely there Penny.” 

“I know I was at the party because I managed to ride Korth while you had your back turned and then walked funny then when you asked about it, I lied and said I did the splits again. But it wasn’t really a lie, because I kind of did do the splits - he has huge thighs. Like properly muscled - more than Bull’s!” Penny rubbed her inner thighs again, they still slightly twinged.

“Hey now Boss, no need to get personal,” Bull gave her an amused look.

“We all knew what you were doing, you kept bragging about it,” Adaar sighed.

“I mean you would too if you’d ridden the Hand - and what a hand…” 

“Thanks for that completely inappropriate response Penny. Also, while we are on inappropriate behaviour Bull, exactly why did you tell Tippany that I would enjoy receiving a dragon tooth necklace?” Adaar span and jabbed him in the chest.

“I didn’t.”

“Really, you didn’t talk to Tippany about how I am just waiting to make someone my Kadan? Because of all of us here, only one of us is Qunari,” Adaar growled, her talon up against his neck while he stood there smirking.

“It wasn’t me, maybe it was one of your own crew? They’re mainly Tal Vashoth, and they do like fucking with you. Maybe it was Shok?” Even Penny ducked at the expression on Adaar’s face.

“One, they are family and would never suggest such a thing. Two, I’ll make sure to mention it to Shok you suggested them. Three, Tippany was seen talking to you before she appeared with the necklace, it doesn’t take a spy to work out who it was. She thinks that I am playing hard to get now, thanks to you. I was finally getting through to her and now I’m back to hiding again!” Adaar loomed over him as he finally worked out she was actually genuinely upset with him.

“It wasn’t me, get Cole to read me, I swear on the Chargers it wasn’t me.”

“If I find you’ve been lying I will string you up on the battlements and let the crows eat you,” Adaar hissed at him before pushing him away from her.

Bull for a moment looked as if he had something smart to say before nodding. Penny was almost tempted to cheer him on, but then Adaar would turn her over her knee again in the most embarrassing way. Also, Cole was coming!

“COLES COMING HOME!” Penny woke up from watching the comedy-drama, to launch at Adaar in excitement, hugging her tightly. “The best person in this stupid place, it’s been so dull without him. Oh oh oh, so now he’s going to be back I need the Chargers and we are going on a field trip!”

“Are you not going to wait for Alistair to return?” Adaar asked.

“Yes?” But she also needed to go kill the dragon and get the snowy wyverns to create a breeding program.

“You don’t sound too sure,” Adaar remarked dryly.

“I mean yes, of course, because he’ll want to come along too, because we are going to go capture an endangered species and breed them to be a profitable thing and at the same time kill a High Dragon, and it’s going to be amazing because I will finally get more kills than Ali.”

“No.”

“Yes, because I am the boss and own 55% and you can’t tell me no.”

“I can and just did. No,” Adaar put her back down on the ground.

“Uh no, you are the CEO, but as I am not an employee, you don’t get to tell me no,” Penny pouted.

“You are not going to go kill a High Dragon, because you promised you would be here for when the first lot of paying guests arrived.” Adaar pointed out, and Penny vaguely remembered promising such a thing, but High Dragon’s trumped everything else. “They get a good impression, we get opened doors in more regions and we become profitable beyond topping up the coffers by not stealing from Fereldens.”

“Also Boss, we can’t leave yet, our people are on their way. Need to be here for when they arrive,” Bull unaccustomedly backed Adaar up. They both looked weirded out by the assistance.

“And after Alistair has been set up, then we are working on setting up with Kirkwall too.”

“Ugh, and then we can go collect endangered species and kill a High Dragon - maybe three?” Penny whined, before grinning at the sudden spark of interest from Bull at the idea of killing multiple High Dragons at once.

“Well then, three Boss, that sounds like its important business that needs sorting out pretty soon,” Bull mused, dodging Adaar’s fist as she struck out at his chest.

“You need to be here to organise your people. Penny, you need to be here to do the only part of your job you agreed to. Don’t make me get other people involved…” Adaar glared at them both.

“You can’t keep using Mary against me, it’s not fair,” Penny hoped she meant Mary and not Maryelf because Mary didn’t use a knife on her, unlike Maryelf.

“Behave and I won’t have to use anyone on you.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you for all the kudos and comments it really makes me smile! Also I have a Cole chapter and then thinking either an interlude or a children prompt chapter. Then more normal chapters.


	48. Pied Piper

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Penny the teacher - what a scary thought

“PENNY!” she met him halfway across the bridge as he launched off his mount and tackled her to the ground while Adaar growled loudly.

“COLE!” 

“Both of you stop the horseplay on the bridge before you fall off!” Adaar grabbed both of them by the scruff of the neck and carried them into the training area with Penny grabbing Cole’s hand and clenching tightly.

“I got your letter-” Cole started, with Penny yelping when Adaar pulled her up to eye-level and bared her teeth.

“I specifically told you no letters. We shall talk about this later.”

“She didn’t send a letter,” Cole batted his lashes at Adaar.

“I didn’t,” Penny told the truth because Samahl had.

“Herah dear, we need you to help organise down here if you are done with the children,” Mary called, winking at Penny who burst into giggles.

Adaar dropped both them gently to the floor with a muttered “later” at Penny, before stalking off to deal with the mass of carts that were rumbling up to the bridge.

“I missed you,” Cole nuzzled Penny, clinging to her as she buried herself against him.

“I missed you too, you are not allowed to leave ever again, like ever again. Like never!” 

“Never.”

“Boss, maybe take it out of the square?” Bull commented as the kids started to climb out of the hiding places to merge in on them.

“Nah its fine, isn’t it Cole?” She tilted her head up, and he kissed her on the forehead.

“Yeah Boss, like, we’ve been told to keep them out of the way, and well…” Bull pointed to where the kids were now balling up in attack formation.

“Psh what’s going to happen?”

“They’ll go and get run over by a cart? Or a mount? Or get something dropped on them.” Why was he always such a killjoy?

“Because he doesn’t like being yelled at by Mary, it reminds him of being told off by a Tama,” Cole chirped with Bull huffing.

“Penny, perhaps you could take the children off to the courtyard for storytime?” Mary called over before Bull could whinge some more.

“Cole?” she tilted her head up to check with him.

“Yes,” he murmured, pulling her off and through with a trail of children following.

“The Pied Piper!” Penny bounced as she tilted back to wave at the children.

“Apt,” Abelas slunk out of the shadows to collect the youngest from climbing up the masonry. “Your mothers would be disappointed in you if they saw you climbing the walls.”

“Sorry, Abby,” followed by a sloppy kiss on his cheek.

“Yes Children! Responsible health and safety time, no climbing on the walls because we haven’t got mages to make the ground squishy. And Krem isn’t here either, and he’s really good at catching us, isn’t he!” There was a pause as Cole and Abelas gazed at her with bland expressions. “I mean, because we can get hurt and it’s a not fun, because what did we learn about getting hurt?”

“We can’t play for a whole week!” Jamie squealed loudly.

“We get spanks because we were naughty?”

“NO, CHOCLIT!”

“Eat yucky greens yeack!”

“Hurts, and gets yelled at an no puddings and pudding is going to be pie tonight and it’s not icky pie like when they made that pie with the kidleys in um and them squidgy things that no one likes because they hide them in the gravy, and then we get yelled at for feeding them to the dogs even when the dogs are starving.” Penny could sympathise with this, she got yelled at for feeding things to the dogs too.

“Because the children copy you,” Cole murmured in her ear, “and then they ask why they can’t do it when you do it.”

“It’s a stupid rule,” she whispered back, he clenched her tighter to him before releasing with a soft giggle.

“Mischief, behave,” Abelas said bluntly.

“You can’t talk to Penny like that she’s the biggest boss in all of the world and the moons!” with three of the children standing up in front of him with puffed out chests. He merely arched a brow at her.

“Uh it’s fine like Abby is like a daddy, he -” Cole suddenly slapped a hand over her mouth and shook his head. “He can tell me off because he is older and is very wise.”

“Thank you,” Abelas ducked his head, picking up the smallest defender and placing them on his shoulders.

“STORY TIME!” Came the cheer.

“Alright, but shall we do it while we do handstands and practise our cores which is really the reason why we do it and not because it’s a really fun feeling?” Penny asked already tipping over with Cole joining her on his hands. 

“Once upon a time there was a small village who had a rat problem, but not the big rats like we get in caves. Small rats, the ones that get into the stables and eat the grain, and the ones that my beauty likes to nibble on, you know the ones.” Penny started stretching her toes as far as they would go while thinking about the story.

“So, the rats are eating everything in sight, like they do in the stables - or like when someone let their pet one loose in the kitchens and it bred with the other rats in there and then we had no cheese.” Which had nothing to do with the rats, she’d crept down to the kitchens while Ali was asleep one night and threw the very smelly cheese out over the edge of the Undercroft, so it didn’t stink out the bedroom again.

“The village was called Hamblin, like Rambling which is what the Chargers like do, they ramble everywhere, and some of them even like to scramble! And what else do the Chargers like to do?”

“DRINK!”

“FIGHT!”

“KISS, ALWAYS KISSING!”

“CURSE AND THEN SAY SORRY COS AUNTIE MARY SHOUTS AT THEM!”

“WHISTLE!”

“DANCE AND SING!”

“I feel sick,” followed by the sound of vomiting, “I feel better now!”

“GAMBLING!”

“Perhaps we should spend time on our feet or bottoms?” Abelas commented, helping to right the formerly sickly child.

“Don’t wanna,” Penny was pretty sure that came from the children and not her, but she couldn’t be completely a hundred percent sure.

“It was,” Cole helped. This was why she needed him because he was wonderful and meant the world - oh the tears were rolling into her hair.

“Gambling is right, ten points to Shoptopia!” Penny cheered as the gambling was repeated with the other words. 

“Gambling isn’t right,” Cole mumbled as Ruth wandered into the courtyard.

“No, gambling is always wrong children, and you must tell them not to do it,” Penny did her best to put in a stern note while she held back the giggles at the upside-down look from Abelas.

“So, in the village that was invaded by so many rats, that ate up all the food and chewed on the children’s clothes until they were all ruined. They tried to use cats, but the cats were lazy and not as good a catcher as Ms Scratchy even though it’s really Mr Scratchy.” 

“It was Mrs Scratchy, but they broke up from the other one,” Jamie announced.

“They didn’t break up, they had kittens and lost interest,” Penny mused before being coughed at by Abelas who nodded to where Ruth was loitering in the doorway.

“What happened next?” Cole gently prompted.

“So after the cats wouldn’t eat the rats, they tried using the dogs, but unlike Bummer, who snaps rats necks like snap snap snap, their dogs were scared of the rats! So then they tried using owls because owls are keen hunters but the owls would only come out at night, and at night the rats would be sleeping, so that didn’t work. They tried to use hawks, but the hawks liked rabbits and ignored the rats.” Penny scrambled momentarily forgetting the plot.

“So what did the adults do next?” Cole asked, giving her a reassuring smile.

“So they wrote to all of their friends asking for recommendations of rat catchers. Because that’s what we do, isn’t it? We don’t just take anyone, we ask for references and make sure we aren’t hiring cowboys. Anyway so the Pied Piper keeps coming up, so they invite him to solve their problem. He’s a professional rat-catcher who promises to remove all the rats with no bloodshed.

“He turns up wearing weird clothing - now obviously we don’t judge people by what they wear but a good thing to keep in mind here, if someone looks crazy, but they are intact, they can probably look after themselves. So don’t pick on them in case you end up hurt. The Pied Piper asks for a reasonable wage for the work, and the villagers think yes, this is great, we like this.

“The Pied Piper shakes hands with them, confirming the verbal agreement in front of everyone. Important here, make sure you have reliable witnesses. He went off and started playing his pipe loudly, and the rats scurried out of all the cracks and crevices and followed him out of town and down to the cliffside where he made them fall off to their deaths. Now, fortunately, there were nesting birds of prey, so they all got a bounty of food for their chicks which is a great example of wasting not and wanting not. 

“Now that all the rats were gone, the Pied Piper returned to the village to be paid. Here is where the villagers did a very silly thing, see they thought that because the rats were all dead, they could get away without paying him - I know, crazy villagers!” There was an uproar from the children.

“But he did what he said he was going to do, they need to pay him!”

“That’s stealing if they don’t, cos he will have to pay for things too, that’s really wrong.”

“Bad villagers!”

“They threatened him and chased him off, and he said he would return to be paid and if they didn’t pay, he would take what they held precious. The villagers didn’t believe him at all, they were like what can he do? We’ll just chase him off again. Can anyone tell me why this is a bad idea?”

“Because they will be known as dirty cheats?” Jamie asked.

“Also they asked their friends so now their friends will know they cheated too, like when Micky got Rocky to vouch for him in the game and then was really bad at it?” 

“Exactly! Well done, it works both ways. Now the Pied Piper returned and the villagers said no, and he offered them one last chance. When they chased him off, he shook his head sadly and started to play his pipe. The villagers laughed because the rats were already gone, but then the cats and dogs started to come out of the houses and barns. The villagers looked uneasy until the children started to follow too, dancing and singing following the Pied Piper. The villagers tried to stop them, but they wriggled free and carried on.”

“Did they all die?” Abelas asked with a glint in his eye.

“Yes!” the children shouted, it wasn’t the first story where everyone died.

“Of course, because the Pied Piper followed through with his promise.” Penny was confused at why he asked. It was pretty obvious that was what was going to happen. “So what did we learn?”

“Not to have verbal contracts without making sure we are going to follow through?” 

“We always need to pay our debts, and that rats can be caught with a pipe!”

“Villagers are silly,” followed by a “Did the village die out?”

“It sure did, because we need children to continue it on, without children, the adults just grow old and die. All the mums and dads were too sad having lost all of their children to have more.”

“Penny,” Cole mumbled as Adaar walked in with a familiar-looking Ambassador.

“Now no one will have nightmares will they, because why don’t we have to be worried about it?” Penny asked.

“Because we aren’t silly, and we have bigger things than nightmares to protect us. Abelas will shoot them down pew pew pew before they get close. And Maryelf has special tonic to poison them.”

“She does.”

“Mischief,” Abelas sighed. 

“Why didn’t he ask for payment upfront?” Reggie asked, peering at her while the others joined in asking the same question.

“That’s actually a valid question, can we think of any reasons why he wouldn’t?” Penny remembered the old trick of if in doubt when asked a question where she was unsure of the answer, turn it back on the asker and make them answer it. 

“Because he was silly?”

“Because he didn’t think about it?”

“I know I know I know, pick me!”

“Alright, let's hear it, Darcy,” Penny giggled as Darcy was bouncing on her seat with her arm as high as it could go. 

“Cos he was unknown to them and had nothing to prove he would do the job, not like when Da takes on a special job and has the materials already an can get half first to make sure they don’t run away without paying him. But the Piper can’t prove it can he, so he has to accept money after, but if they’d paid and needed him again, then he could have asked for money before like as a deposit. But the first time - Da says anyway, first time is always difficult cos no one trusts anyone so you gotta be first.” Which made sense to Penny, so she nodded emphatically. 

“Exactly, that’s why. So can we think of anyone else in Shoptopia who asks for money before a job?”

“DAD!” Jamie shouted.

“Yep, anyone else?” 

“The printers?”

“Good one, why do you think the print shop wants money upfront?” Penny enjoyed pretending to teach because she was helping to shape the informative minds of the children. Cole snickered by her side. She was!

“Because they spend a lot of time and materials on it and if they don’t get paid it’s a waste cos everything is printed specially and is none transssssssssssfurabull. Not like Da’s normal stuff, cos he can make nails and sell them to anyone, or like shields unless they are specially made for a person. Like that huge shield, he made where it was etched with a really fancy drawing we weren’t allowed to look at cos it was a rude one, but it looked really pretty, like the drawings we aren’t supposed to see in the circle place.”

There was a pause as Abelas raised a nonexistent brow at Penny as she stuffed her fist into her mouth. 

“It’s alright though cos we all watched the horses and stuff, and it’s like them but not. An' we all know where babies come from, well most of us do, cos Aunt Ruth keeps having babies like she’s about to pop again with more!” Penny tried to shove another fist into her mouth as Jamie carried on.

“We like the one with the pretty colours the best, it’s alright tho cos Da thinks Ma is being silly about it all, but then Aunt Mary agreed with Ma, and then Gramma said we are all naughty nugs.” 

“But we wash all the time, especially cos we like the rainfall thing and Ma says she’s never known us to wash so often, but it’s nice cos we can splash and not get cold. And it’s fun! Like when Samahl made the water roar like that, and it was cool and hot and then when Jamie almost drowned, she saved him!”

“I didn’t almost drown, you take that back! I was pretending like we pretend to be skeletons and archers!”

“You were choking really good, and Samahl shouted, and she never shouts she always laughs!”

“I was pretending, no one believes me!” Jamie crossed his arms dramatically.

“You turned blue!”

“Aunt Mary yelled at you, and you got sent to bed without any pudding, and you cried cos your Da was angry too, and Samahl got yelled at too.” 

“Cole knows,” Darcy, the little tattletale, pointed at Cole who was busy trying to help Penny remove her fist from her mouth.

“Tattletale!”

“DON’T CALL ME THAT!”

“YOU ARE!”

“Children, enough.” Abelas stepped in, just as Mary appeared looking angry at the entranceway.

“It’s clear you all have too much energy, the horses need cleaning and mucking out. Out now, and Penny dear, what have I said about trying to eat your hand?” Penny blushed as Mary made her feel as small as Darcy and Jamie with the look.

“Yes Mary,” Penny managed to mumble.

“Cole dear, once you’ve helped Penny can you help Adaar, she’s a bit concerned about some of the guests.” Said with less of a question and more of a statement.

“Yes, mum,” Cole replied, and Mary gave him a doting smile.

“Abelas, you are needed too, to watch the children and keep them out of trouble,” Mary continued on, and Penny could hear the unspoken, “as you didn’t do a good job the first time” from Mary and Abelas merely nodded. 

“Because Mary is important,” Cole whispered into Penny’s ear, “To you and to us, and she’s scary.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Penny has the best teaching methods, no apologies!


	49. Octopi

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> A change of pov - also a bit of a prompt fic.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Apologies for the delay this has been done for a while but I got caught up in things!

“Uh…” Darcy was kicking at the ground instead of looking up at Penny. “So… we did something, well more, we are in trouble and we need to fix it cos tonight there is awesome pudding like awesome cos we saw it. But if we don’t get it back soon then they are gonna know it was us and Ma will make us go an sit with the Chancellor while he explains why Andraste burned for us and we should not be naughty all the time. But we aren’t naughty all the time, this time was an accident, tell her Jamie!” 

“It was an accident!” Jamie stood up for his cousin, and Darcy nodded so hard it hurt her neck.

“If it was an accident it’s fine, they won’t punish you for that, it’s practically in the rules, and if it’s not, then it will be.” Penny was good at playing, but she didn’t understand that they still got told off and punished for accidents.

“Penny, you don’t understand!” 

“It’s true, and Abby will be upset with us too because we shouldn’t have taken the bits out of the room, but they were dirty and we did ask someone and they said yes, except they might not have heard us cos it was very noisy…” Jamie backed her up.

Darcy didn’t feel any happier when Penny got that look on her face, that normally meant a lot of fun and they would all get in trouble, including Penny. “Penny, you need to help us!” Because Cole wasn’t coming to help even though all of them had thought really hard about how much they needed Cole's help.

“You can always rely on me, munchkins,” Penny purred, no longer staring into the training ring where the big mages were busy playing. 

“Penny, it’s serious, we are in big trouble,” Jamie tugged on her arm and Penny scooped him up into her arms and squeezed.

“Alright mon capitans, what did you do and how can we rectify it?” Darcy bit her lip, maybe they should have tried calling for Cole more, cos Penny was great at playing but no so much at actually fixing things.

“We dropped something in the pool, and it slipped, but we can’t get it now,” Jamie explained while Darcy focused really hard on Cole.

“Where’s Cole?” she demanded as he still wouldn’t turn up because Cole always turned up when they needed him.

“Cole is busy,” Penny answered with the grin that normally meant they weren’t allowed anywhere near that part of the castle for the rest of the day. “To the pool, we go, and I will go get the thing you dropped, although I don’t know why you would think Abby would be upset about it.”

“You know how they complained that there were missing pieces from the picture?” Jamie had climbed onto Penny’s shoulders.

“Yeah, they were blaming Maryelf, I think because they don’t like her very much,” Penny giggled, scooping Darcy up too, which was nice because Penny was good at squeezing, she always managed to do it just right.

“We took some of them to clean and they dropped into the cracks and we can’t get them out,” Darcy whispered into her ear, and Penny snorted with laughter.

“Yeah, we won’t tell anyone, we’ll go rescue them and then I’ll put them back and take the blame, cos what will they do to me? Send me to bed without any supper… I wish, but no some of us have to attend the stupid supper because the important people like seeing me. I can guess why, I am pretty awesome, and I am shagging the King, which is always good.” Penny chattered, and Darcy hugged her because Penny was a troublemaker, but she always took the blame.

She whisked them through the room with loud elves searching everywhere, without them being seen by anyone, even if Abby looked in their direction before returning to scouring through the piles of bits with the others. Penny had placed a finger to her lips as they snook past Maryelf who was busy banging things in the room that Penny had to go to all the time.

Only Samahl was in the pool area when they arrived, who took one look at them and grinned.

“Melvara didn’t believe that you were involved, but I knew better. So where are they?”

“In the pool, they were dirty,” Penny lied outright and Samahl laughed as Jamie yelped.

“In you go then,” Samahl picked Jamie off Penny’s shoulders while Darcy wriggled down Penny’s front and pulled her to where the pieces glimmered deep in the water.

“See, but we can’t get them out, they are too deep and stuck,” Darcy whispered.

“Easy, I can get them, don’t you worry Darcykin, you just wait here and I will save you!” Penny dove under the water and had her feet out of the water while she bobbed attached to the crevice. She was down longer than any of them could hold their breaths because they’d tried until Samahl tossed them out because Jamie was looking like he had the last time he’d tried and almost drowned.

“She can hold her breath really good,” Jamie thought Penny was the best. It was always Penny this and Penny that, but then Penny was his big sister and let them get away with everything so maybe he was right.

Darcy stared at Samahl, who was busy watching the door. “She’s been under for ages!”

“She’s fine,” Samahl didn’t sound too concerned even as Penny disappeared entirely underwater before appearing in a giant splash with a frown on her face.

“It’s stuck, I can see them, and I can just about touch them, but they are stuck. We need tweezers, long ones, and probably with something on them, so they don’t scratch-” Darcy watched as Samahl span round at the word scratch. “We won’t scratch them, but we need to get them out. Otherwise, it’s either getting them out scratched, or they are lost, which do you think Abby would prefer?”

“It’s not Abelas, it’s the other one,” Samahl said before stopping, “Wait here.”

“The only other thing we could do is shapeshift, you can shapeshift can’t you Sammy?” Penny carried on as Samahl went to leave the room.

“Taren can, but we do not want Taren to come in here, for one she’ll just attack you with the knife again, then she will berate us.” Darcy knew exactly which one Taren was.

“I can?” Darcy spoke up quietly, she could a little bit anyway, when her Ma wasn’t about to tell her off, her Da didn’t mind, but her Ma was against it.

“She can! She’s really good at it, show them, show them catform!” Jamie clapped his hands together.

“Do you know what an octopus is?” Penny swam over to her, looking very troublemaking.

“I do, it’s a squid! And you eat them slurp slurp slurp, remember when Uncle and Dad chopped them up fresh and cooked them and we ate them with the legs flapping about?” Darcy did remember because her Ma had not been happy when one of them had moved before going into the big pan.

“Do you think you can turn into one of those?” Penny asked as Samahl started telling them no. “It’s fine, she didn’t know what a cat looked like inside either, but she can do it, what could go wrong.”

“She might not be able to turn back? She could get sucked out and over the waterfall?” Darcy wasn’t too keen after hearing that.

“How is she going to get sucked out, we can put a cloth over the exit, and if she gets stuck we get Taren, but by that point, she’ll have got the pieces out,” Penny beamed at Darcy. 

“You’ll be awesome!” Jamie cheered her on.

“Do you remember how little they were? And how they had tiny suckers on their legs?” Penny scooped her up. “They are very intelligent creatures Octopi, very intelligent. Like you, and you’ll be able to slip into the crack and grab hold of the pieces and pull them out. Then I’ll take them back and you can eat with everyone else. How about it, Darcykin?”

“Will it hurt?”

“Does it hurt to turn into a cat?”

“No, or only when they pull on my tail, but then I scratch them, so it’s not too bad,” Darcy got the warm feeling in her stomach, the nice feeling around Penny she got.

“I’ll take my dress off and put it over the exit, so you won’t get sucked out, then if you can do it then it’ll be a very cool trick to play!” Penny placed her gently in the water before swimming over to the lip, draping the dress over without a care before giving her a big beaming smile.

What did it look like again? Darcy closed her eyes tightly and let herself sink into the water. Bubblehead, long stretchy bubblehead, woooo that felt odd, her eyes were moving and the water bounced on her. She giggled, water bubbling out around long curly legs that rolled in on themselves above her mouth, this was odd and fun, very fun. How to move? She tried wriggling and just span around and around. Wait, she was under the water and not struggling to breathe. Now she couldn't catch her breathe she was drowning just like Jamie had! She’d felt fine until she thought about it. 

“Relax Darcy,” Penny ran a finger down a limb and made it wriggle. “See, isn’t it fun, you can hide too, look-see that crack there you can wriggle in and hide and no one would see you until it was too late and you can sucker them!”

Suckering people sounded like fun, and she tried, wrapping one around Penny’s finger and clasping, but it did nothing.

“Stretch it out and then clamp it in, see that did it, yay Darcy you are awesome!” Penny cheered as Darcy clung on to her finger, letting Penny glide her around the large pool - oooh there were lots of cracks with shiny things hidden in them.

A ring, a nice big ring that was stuck face down glimmered at her. It took time for her to work out how to get her legs to move in the right way to catch it. She kept moving the wrong ones, and trying to wrap them around wasn’t working, but the suckers did. It was a pretty ring, with colourful stones in it, but Penny didn’t seem very interested when Darcy dropped it into her hand.

A coin came out next, a big coin, it was more of a struggle and it took two legs grasping to pull it out. Darcy could make a fortune doing this, although not everyone was allowed here. She swam about hiding in places for fun, enjoying how boneless she felt, she could curl up into a tiny ball and then explode out in a sea of bubbles making Jamie and Penny cheer and laugh. 

Finally, after she’d almost worn herself out, she remembered what she was supposed to be doing. Penny joined her down next to the pieces, five of them. This was going to be tough, Darcy thought worriedly. The first came out without a problem, she just had to wriggle her leg underneath it and Penny was able to grasp it out. The second and third were a joint effort of suckers and Penny grabbing as soon as they were high under to grab. By the fourth Darcy was tired, the piece was firmly stuck and needed four legs working together while she had to think clearly about how to move them.

Penny held her gently after they finally got it out. The fifth was the most important piece, it was the colourful one that went in the middle, the one that would get them in the most amount of trouble. Darcy was exhausted, clinging onto Penny’s arm while Penny stroked her head like she was a cat.

More splashing as someone else joined them, handing Penny a piece of thin thread. There was some movement before Penny tucked Darcy around her neck and started to tease the long thread down into the crack, pulling and tugging as Darcy watched with sleepy eyes. She wasn’t sure what Penny was trying to do, as the thread went further and further down. Darcy liked nestling against the warmth of Penny, soaking in the feeling of butterflies dancing on her skin. She yawned letting the water flutter around her before sinking into Penny’s hair, hiding until she was gently stroked awake. It was a good sleep, full of bubbling streams and bouncing.

“Time to change back,” Penny said, lifting her out of the water carefully, while Samahl touched her at the same time, making her skin fizzle with wakefulness. “Into a person, not a cat.” 

It took a bit of effort because being the octopus felt so nice, being boneless and floppy. Darcy didn’t feel very hungry, either being so small. It felt nice, safe, like being a cat in the sunshine did. She was half tempted to stay as an Octopus until Penny kept prodding her and Jamie started talking about the pudding that they were going to have now she’d saved the day.

Ma didn’t even yell at them, and they got away with it as Penny was sat being reprimanded by Adaar while playing cards with Cole at the table. Jamie wasn’t wrong about Penny being the best sometimes, because she took all the blame while they got to eat the best cake ever. Penny had winked at them as they were taken up to bed. There was a nice big bowl in her bedroom waiting for her. It had rocks and things to hide in, with a few fish in the tank, and the water was warm, but not too warm. Darcy couldn't wait for Ma to leave so she could sleep in it.

Jamie was right, Penny really was the best.


	50. Jealousy

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Penny and Maryden - never a great mix

Krem hovering never meant anything good. Especially when it wasn’t around Adaar, Krem hovering around Adaar was normal, they had a lot to discuss. Krem hovering around Penny meant that Penny would need to hide evidence from Adaar to stop Adaar ripping Bull’s balls off and stuffing them down his throat.

“Penny, do you have a moment?” He’d straightened himself up more than usual, looking highly dapper.

“Did you put new gel on your hair?” it looked shiny; also it made him put a hand to it, taking away the stiff soldier stance of facing death.

“Yes, Maryden found it for me, says it’s less sticky than the - sorry, I need to talk to you about something important.” She sighed, he’d brought the topic back around too quickly, unlike Bull, who liked to be led around the playground because he understood the game because he played it too.

“Where do you want to have the chat?” Because there was no way, she was going to be caught chatting to him, prior to whatever evil act she was about to do that would get back to Adaar, and leave her with ringing ears.

“Perhaps we could ride out to the village?” Krem offered, with an arm out, and she couldn’t help but feel like this was going to end badly.

“Nope, not allowed out of the walls because Adaar got me to promise I wouldn’t cross the bridge - we can go elsewhere though,” Penny loved going elsewhere, and Adaar clearly hadn’t gotten used to having access to a whole other place yet.

“The walls will be fine,” Krem was such a wuss too at times, it obviously ran in the Chargers after the example set by his boss who was currently hiding from Adaar in the tavern.

Cole was waiting for them, with Maryden at the top next to the very pretty coloured wolf statue. Penny especially liked the plaideweave bows around it’s tail. Maryden looked as shifty as Krem did, even though she’d brushed her hair and put on her fanciest dress, or that’s what Penny was assuming, considering the buttons glimmered in the light.

“Alright, where’s the body?” Cole snickered at her jest, while Krem gave a faint smile.

“All the bodies are already hidden, as per Adaar’s command. We have something to ask you, you both actually.” He took Maryden’s hand, rubbing his thumb against it, while Cole snuggled against Penny.

“We would be honoured if you would bless our marriage,” Maryden said, beaming at Krem.

“The Chancellor has agreed to perform the ceremony, but as without you this wouldn’t be possible, we both felt it would be only right to ask.” Krem continued, pressing a fond kiss on his bride to be’s forehead.

“What?” Penny thought she’d stepped through an alternative dimension. “But - why? I mean, why marriage? You’ve only just met each other?”

Cole spoke as the two lovers were lost in each others gaze, making Penny feel a bit squeamish. She was never like this with Ali or Cole, it was far too cute for her staid blood. “It’s been over a year.”

“Really? I thought it was like a month at best,” Penny started to think back, well the trip around Orlais and Free Marches had taken slightly longer than a month, but really a year?

“Longer,” Cole assured her.

“I guess then, I mean of course! When are you having the celebrations - we need to call a holiday!” Suddenly she could see it now, throwing a big celebration, with a huge cake and flowers and streamers everywhere. She could get the children involved, and they would be the cutest flower people - they could go collect flowers from the valley outside the walls where it was elfroot for miles.

“Tomorrow - but we want to keep it quiet, just family,” Krem said, not looking up from Maryden. 

“Tomorrow?” Well, she’d heard of shotgun weddings but even so.

“We want to make sure it’s done before it all goes wrong again,” Maryden sighed, snuggling into Krem.

“Uh, who’s saying it’s going to go wrong?” Because Maryden wasn’t supposed to know.

“She’s not daft,” Cole whispered into her ear, “Half of the Inquisition is being housed inside the walls, everyone knows something big and bad is going to happen.”

Oh right, that made sense, not that they’d told anyone but having the Ambassador move into Adaar’s office with a lot of paperwork and other things… She could see why the none idiots would work out what was going on.

“Most everyone who has been here from the beginning can see it’s going to change, they are waiting to see how,” Cole murmured. “They trust in us.”

That was a terrifying thought, to be trusted in by all of the people. There were so many now too, families, lots of families. Maybe it was time to leave and go live in a little cottage in the middle of nowhere far away from everything? No, Cole was giving her the fond look he did when she was being sillier than normal. “I guess I should carry on making lots of money exploiting rich peoples desires?”

“Causing as much trouble as we can, to help people,” Cole giggled with her.

“Team trouble, ready for action!” They high fived.

“Well if you won’t have a huge celebration - you can have my rooms to have a honeymoon in,” which was worth saying considering the look of shock on the two oblivious lovebirds faces.

“We couldn’t possibly,” Maryden said, while Krem weighed it up.

“Just for a night?”

“Two nights, you get two nights in casa Trouble, while we cause trouble with Abby and Sammy,” because Samahl was on at her to learn more stuff, like the meditation shit that they kept trying to teach.

“Thank you, Penny, Cole,” Krem accepted, holding out his hand to shake Cole’s, before accepting a huge hug from Penny.

“What do you want as a gift? We need to get you something awesome,” because they liked Krem, but also Krem was making sure Maryden could never steal Cole and that deserved Thedas in Penny’s not so unbiased opinion. Cole prodded her discretely.

“Nothing, you’ve honestly given us far more than we could have ever asked for,” Krem started. 

“A house,” Cole whispered in her ear. That was a great idea, they were still building accommodation for the Charger village, and they were all pretty standard, but they could let them design their own, like how they wanted, and pick up the expenses.

“A house!” It took much too long to convince them, only when Penny grabbed Krem by the ear and pulled him over to explain that she owed him everything for distracting the harlot from stealing Cole that they gave in. Cole merely grinned at them.

“Thanks Boss,” Bull groused later over a card game, “That was our gift to them until you come along with the better “design it yourself” gift. Now we have to think what to give them, that’s suitable for the second to the best-” he glanced around, “merc group in the place.”

“Wuss, anyway, why don’t you ask Adaar nicely if she’ll let you buy a share for them because I happen to know someone wants to offload theirs,” Penny purred at him. It caught his attention, like the information grubbing fiend he was.

“Huh, just one?” Bull sat back in his chair, scratching at his horn idly.

“Yep, just the one, but that’s a pretty good gift. I could one-up you and gift Krem five of mine, but I’ll be nice,” also that would be the worst idea she’d ever had because Adaar would convince everyone to gang up on Penny and force her to obey the stupid commands.

“You would as well,” Connor sighed, tossing his cards down. “We’ve decided to give them the gift that keeps on giving, songbirds.”

“Where have you got songbirds from, and where are you keeping them?” Because she had not heard any.

“Anders is exchanging things with Melvara. There are some tame birds that they have access to, they’ll be here in the morning as long as they don’t have another argument down there,” Connor stretched, picking up the flask and tipping more water into his glass.

“Arguing again?” Ugh, Penny kept avoiding going down there when they argued.

“The mosaics.” Enough said Samahl confessed someone had gotten cocky and brought over too many different ones and then mixed them up.

“Adaar will sort it,” she said, snickering at the idea of Adaar trying to organise a bunch of argumentative agitated ancient elves.

“Adaar will do no such thing,” Adaar smacked her upside the head, while Josephine tittered behind her hand.

“How long have you been there?”

“Long enough to see you are fleecing them again,” to which Bull, Connor and Tippany threw their cards down.

“Thanks, I was going to win,” Penny sighed, she loved it when they sat in this formation, how they’d still not worked out she could see the reflections was beyond her and at this point not even her problem. She’d managed to get a favour out of Connor, Tippany agreed to leave Adaar alone, and Bull was in the hole for 3 encounters. Actually, come to think about it… Bull was winking at her. Yeah, he knew what she was doing.

“Come to join us?” Bull asked with the fakest smile she’d seen on his face. Oh right, Bull and Adaar were still butting heads over everything.

“Only if Penny moves,” Adaar smacked her again.

“No fair, this is my seat,” because she’d lined everything up just right so she could see everything when the kids moved stuff around outside.

“Exactly,” Adaar bodged the chair out of the way before pulling up two more for her and Josephine.

“What game are we playing?” the darling ambassador asked, while Tippany rolled her eyes. It was clear to all the writing on the wall ever since Josephine moved into Adaar’s office. The shared desk space, the touches and eye glances. 

“Whist, or whatever these people call it I don’t know, anyway, so, national holiday tomorrow,” Penny started shuffling only to have the cards pulled from her grip as Adaar shuffled. It was like she wasn’t to be trusted.

“Fine,” what - this was not how the holidays worked. Adaar kicked up a fuss each time.

“What’s wrong, whose died?” 

“No one has died, that we know of anyway. More of all the times to call it, far better tomorrow, than in a week when it’s chaos.” Adaar continued shuffling, passing the cards to Connor to cut, before dealing out hands to all.

“They want me to bless it,” having spent time thinking about it, it was the best thing anyone had asked of her.

“Great,” Adaar didn’t seem too fussed by it at all.

“They said, only family are invited,” Penny tried again.

“Yes, we will be there,” Adaar nodded, taking the first hand. “Maryden has asked Jo to take part too, as a fellow bard.”

“But I am there to bless it,” Penny explained again.

“Penny, is this the first time?” Connor asked, stealing the next hand while she wasn’t looking.

“Of course, no one else has gotten married.” Duh…

“Got any ideas about what you want to say?” Tippany asked curiously, stealing another hand. Penny was starting to think they were conspiring to take her out this round.

“Of course,” she lied. She’d been too busy thinking about what to wear, obviously not whatever colour Maryden was choosing, and what style, maybe something simple?

“Penny, you know I know when you lie still?” Adaar asked, casually taking another hand.

“I do know, I’m going to say - wait you just want to vet it, I’m not being tricked that easily,” Penny caught herself. Also, this way she could spend all night working it out with Cole, what would make everyone cry and laugh at the same time. Because she was going to give the best speech, any of them had ever heard ever.

“It’s not a speech,” Cole mumbled appearing next to her.

“It’s a blessing, Boss,” Bull drawled.

“Is this a mine?” Josephine asked, pretending she didn’t understand the rules as she took the next hand.

“I do know what I’m going to say,” Penny did.

“You can’t say it,” Cole’s eyes were wide.

“If Cole thinks it’s a bad idea, it’s a terrible idea,” Adaar smacked her again behind the head.

“Penny thinks Maryden is still going to steal me,” Cole announced loudly as Penny glared at him.

“I do not!”

“You do, we all know that’s why you watch her suspiciously every time she’s around Cole.” Connor grinned.

“When she’s married, will you finally give the girl a chance?” Adaar mused.

“No - I mean yes,” Penny wasn’t sure. In her head, she still had the image of Cole and Maryden tramping round in love and she always felt the burning jealously at the image.

“It’s never going to happen,” he hummed.

“I know, but I still want to stab her eyes out for even looking at you,” because she was ever so rational at the best of times. 

“Love you too,” he hugged her tightly before dropping her cards to the table. “You aren’t going to win, Adaar rigged it so you wouldn’t.”

“Thanks Cole,” Adaar said dryly.

“Adaar, I can’t believe you would do such a thing.”

“Go work on the blessing, and perhaps if you have time, speak to Abelas, we could hear shouting in the office, above the sound of Bianca’s hammering.” Oooh, that didn’t sound good at all.

“As soon as I get chance to,” which would be never because she would be able to find other things to do that were more important. It was easy, as everything was more important.

Adaar gave her a look that said she’d caught exactly what Penny meant, before returning to the game. Adaar’s hand looked suspiciously good, as did Josephine’s. No wonder she’d not been able to get a single hand in. 

“Night Boss,” Bull mouthed later to her over Adaar’s head, which she still seemed to catch if the sound of Bull oofing was anything to go off.

“Night Bull, everyone else.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> we are on countdown until it all kicks off properly again!


	51. The Hangovers

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The morning after the night before.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> <3 special dedication to the wonderful yralmostbestfriend who leaves lovely comments! I appreciate everyone who drops a comment or kudos - I know I've slowed down a bit but honestly, it's because I have things that happen in the future and keep trying to keep them in line (I can't wait for the tortoise chapter)

“For all those suffering this morning, Clemence has prepared a special brew, it tastes vile as per my request, but will get you through the celebrations.” Adaar started off the meeting, with almost everyone reaching for the dirty purple cures with grimaces. “Thank you all for mainly being on time, I know the “stag” party went on until shortly before you stumbled into the room.” 

Bull barely opened his eye, with Krem looking battered, covered in ink and half-naked. Connor was curled up underneath the table, having drunk the vial and fallen asleep, snoring quietly while Anders idly stroked his hair. Adaar sighed, smacking the table in front of Ingrid who was hanging off a very colourful looking Sera, while Mary kept slapping at her own cheeks.

“Anders if you could aid please?” Adaar asked, miming water falling, as she scooped the papers off the table, hiding them underneath. Penny dived on top as a small cloud of rain started to pour, soaking everyone.

“First item of business,” Adaar carried on as if nothing had happened, “In future clothes to be worn at meetings, all in favour say aye.” There was a subdued aye after she slammed the table again. “Motion passed.”

“I have something!” Penny stuck her hand up, as Adaar promised that if she did that instead of just talking over the group, they would let her speak.

“Go ahead,” Adaar regally dipped her head, as Cole appeared carrying a towel which he threw at Penny.

“I wanted to officially say, congratulations to Krem, for being the first married man in Shoptopia!” There was a round of half-hearted claps and cheers.

“Wait - I’m married to Sam,” Mary blearily blinked as Sam lifted his head up from the table, raising his hand in acknowledgement.

“Alright, first person to be married in Shoptopia, but yes, yay, so we are having a national holiday to celebrate, aren’t we!” Penny stared at Adaar to back her up.

“Yes,” followed by a, “And you’ve all wasted some of it being hungover, so congratulations. Moving on from the announcement, the guests are arriving in the morning, please make sure all sleeping partygoers are not littering the main walkways or the courtyard. Bull I am addressing you here, as Krem, although the more reliable one, will be otherwise engaged. Make sure all Chargers are in beds before daybreak.”

Bull flipped her the finger, before nodding. Krem blinking rapidly before giving the biggest grin, “I’m getting wed!”

“You are, yay Krem!” Penny cheered as Cole appeared again, this time with hot sandwiches that he stuffed into Krem’s hand.

“Yay Krem indeed. Now, with the arrival of our paying guests, they will be advised that this is a working place. Hopefully, this will mean they will be aware of what goes on in the social areas. It will be an experiment to see how it goes, please do not fleece them.” Adaar glanced down at the papers and made a hmm noise.

“Meeting over?” The usually tactful Mary asked, still gently slapping at her cheeks, Penny remembered seeing her hanging off of the balcony with her Mother while serenading Maryden. Who knew Mary couldn’t sing, everyone now.

“No, sadly not. We need to have a discussion about something potentially explosive,” Adaar picked the towel off Penny who’d barely used it and wiped down the table in front of her, setting the papers back down. “There has been a call for a cafe to be opened, with the same hours as the tavern. Yes, this means all night too. Now, while it is an interesting idea, as a place that serves nonalcoholic drinks, with food.” 

“And?” Penny was trying to pull faces at Krem who was busy beaming at everyone else.

“And, while it is a sensible idea, one that a lot of people are interested in, there is a catch.” Adaar clicked her fingers in Penny’s face, drawing her attention back.

“What’s the catch and how can we fix it?” Penny gave her enough attention that she wasn’t immediately swatted, before pulling faces again at Krem who was all but giggling to himself.

“A member of a small team has stepped forward as wanting to run the cafe. It is what they did before, and they wish to return to their so-called calling.” Adaar was choosing her words carefully, to the point where Penny recognised that she was.

“So? Let them, we can replace them wherever they currently work surely?” There was a pause as Adaar didn’t immediately answer. Which meant it was a vital role where they wouldn’t easily be replaced, which come to think about it, other than Maryden - owwwwww, Cole pinched her leg, alright even Maryden would be difficult to replace.

“The person wanting to run said cafe is Tippany.” The name hung in the room, with even Bull opening his eye, to focus it as everyone else was, on Clemence.

“No,” Clemence said.

“I mean, that answers that,” Penny agreed because they didn’t have a replacement for Tippany, they hadn’t yet managed to replace Sandra Dee or whatever the idiot's name was, and she was more of a runner for them anyway.

“No, no, it doesn’t. Tippany is requesting to take on more responsibility in a field more suited to her experience. There is a need for a social space that isn’t the tavern, while yes it will seriously inconvenience the very capable team working in the Undercroft, I believe we need to consider the request.” Even Penny felt her eyes widen at the sheer nerve of Adaar, as Clemence merely repeated no.

“I say aye,” Cadash spoke up, looking fresher than almost all of them, even if Penny was sure she’d seen her knocking them back like she was Bull all night.

“I say nay, and the Tranquil Collective stand with me, as does Penny,” Clemence stated firmly as Naomi looked up from her note-taking to address the claim. 

“The Tranquil Collective does not stand with Clemence, we believe that the cafe will be the correct solution for social time. The tables in the tavern are sticky, and the Great Hall is often being fumigated. A cafe will give the Collective a clean, calm space to spend funds.” Penny felt herself sinking through the table as everyone turned to stare at her, while Clemence stated he was no longer going to provide funds to the Collective if they were going to sabotage him.

“We also desire somewhere else to socialise,” Abelas slunk out of the shadows with Clemence now claiming that it was a setup.

“Oh what’s that - I think I hear the door go, I’ll go get it!” Penny scrambled, sending the papers flying as three hands grabbed for her to pin her to the table.

“Are there any objections other than Clemence for gaining a cafe to our armoury?” Adaar asked politely, even as her talons were dangerously close to Penny’s arm.

“Tippany won’t be able to operate it all the time, will we be sending out for more workers?” Mary carefully asked, with Clemence starting to point out that he had needed more workers for far longer.

“We are gaining an influx of people who will no longer have jobs or will be settling down permanently for the first time. We do not believe we will struggle to staff it.” Adaar answered.

“What about Clemence?” Penny asked, feeling beholden to as her heart sank for the man who was looking like he’d been betrayed.

“Melvara will step in to replace Tippany until you find a more suitable replacement,” Abelas offered.

“What about people not doing anything, like Connor?” Penny decided to carry on backing Clemence up as it was clear they were going to get a cafe and Clemence was going to be down another worker through, probably, no fault of his own.

“Connor is running important research,” Adaar swatted her.

“I am? I mean yes, yes, I am!” Connor called blearily from beneath the table.

“On what? Which toes Anders likes to be sucked?” She was on firmer ground now, tormenting Connor.

“Penny… what have I told you about being mean to Connor?” Mary gave her an almost disappointed look, which would have worked far better if it didn’t include a moment where she wretched into a bucket, before continuing on with it.

“Not to, because it’s like shooting fish in a barrel with dynamite - Connor that means it’s really easy, like you.” Connor made a disgusting noise, and Adaar swatted her again, this time harder.

“Connor is doing research on Dragons, we are planning on seeking out the famed researcher to see if we can combine it,” Anders said with a fond smile to where she was pretty sure Connor was still.

“But my point still holds, Bull won’t let me ship us out for a bit, and Adaar’s lot are semi hanging around, well some of them are.” Also, there were loads of elves, even lots of other people doing nothing.

“We could help?” Cole announced, she’d forgotten he liked to help. 

“I accept, I will let Tippany go and in exchange, I will keep Penny,” Clemence agreed far too quickly, even as Ingrid groaned.

“Oi, we’re friends now!” Penny glared at her new friend in Ingrid.

“No, it’s just that you make me do things!” Ingrid pouted at her.

“Like what?”

“Like when Jo was going to get all the water in the buckets, and you pointed out I was the apprentice and I should be doing it!”

“We’ll be doing it though,” Cole beamed at her, Penny whined. This was not fair, so incredibly not fair.

“All in favour of Penny doing some actual work say aye,” Adaar called before Penny could work herself up into an actual fit.

“NAY!” she shouted, but with Cole stealing half of her votes, and everyone else voting yay, she was outnumbered. It was like the world was ending, this was not supposed to happen, she wasn’t supposed to lose any vote.

“Motion passed,” Adaar purred.

“I hate you all, except Clemence, because I can’t, but I can hate the rest of you really easily - oh and not Krem, because it’s his wedding day!” They were going to have a wedding it would be amazing, and she’d seen the flowers already littering the sacred space - or it wasn’t so much sacred, but pretty.

She missed the meeting being called to an end, as Cole pulled her off the table and up to her rooms to get changed into something that wasn’t drenched and covered in flour. 

“Do you remember what you’re going to say?” Cole buzzed around, pulling at her hair before throwing her into the honey-scented bathwater.

“Yes,” she lied. She had no clue, she was going to go with her heart, which was silly because Ali was still in Denerim. If he’d even made it back there yet.

“I love you,” Cole kissed her on the forehead before dunking her under the water entirely, and working the oils into her locks. “They didn’t brush it like I told them too.”

“True, you should totally have words with them about that…” Not that she’d altogether avoided anyone even attempting to pull a brush through her hair for almost three weeks. It was a wonder he didn’t need to shave it off - owww, there was no need to pull that hard.

“We are not shaving it off, we like it long,” Cole smacked her lightly on the nose.

“Who is we in this situation, because it isn’t me,” and she wasn’t sure that Ali and Cole counted as winning in this situation - ouch, why was he pulling on all the big knots first.

“Because we are having important guests who will mean that we can make this work, and we have people relying on us to make it work.” He stopped and appeared in front of her, climbing into the bath without a care. “It’s not just us anymore, we need to make sure it all works. What if they try and take it from us?” Who takes what?

“Compassion is concerned about the incomers overthrowing the order,” Abelas spoke up from the bed, when he’d turned up she didn’t have a clue, but lately wherever she was, so was he. He’d even appeared at the hen party, although refused to strip for them, before disappearing returning with Samahl who joined in with the partying.

“They can’t, I don’t know why you’re so worried - owwwwww, Collllee, I love you, but I also love my scalp, please do not take it from me!” 

“They have an army,” Cole pressed his nose against hers, “They have an army, they have the Chantry, and they have the wolf.”

“We have us.” Penny rubbed against his nose.

“It won’t be enough!”

“It will because what we have is, a frigging fortress of pleasure. We have our allies - Abby and co. We have Ali, we have Celene, bless her cotton socks, we have Kirkwall. We have prior possession, and as we all know, possession is nine-tenths of the law. Also, we have documents from Orlais and Ferelden saying we have a right to be here, and it’s all in my name. We’re working on getting Orzy to do the same, but they are a bit bogged down in something or other, probably darkspawn.” Penny licked his nose each time she finished a sentence.

“Adaar is an able leader,” Abelas added.

“Yeah, like what are they going to do against her? Like I mean we have Clemence, if they had Clemence, I’d be worried. Oh, and we have their people anyway. They’ll turn up bruised, battered and shattered. They’ll be wanting to be reassured which we can do. They’ll be so deeply indebted to us they won’t even dream of it. Abby and co are going to deal with the whole wolf issue too.”

“But-” Cole stared at her anxiously.

“But nothing, like honestly, what can they do realistically? They barely have any backing as it is. We stole most of their political allies before they were even a thing. Don’t worry, I mean we’ll be staying alert for shit, cos Bull’s got to be tested by the Qunari at some point, and we all know what’s going to happen there…” Penny was damn sure he’d roll over for Jo if no one else. “We’ll have inky spies everywhere, but so what, they won’t be in the fortress, right? And if they find anything they can be mind-wiped, Dagna’s on strict instructions to make sure they don’t get access to the special bands.” 

“We will slaughter them if they try,” Adaar announced with a cheery smile at the top of the stairs.

“They’ll have been a tragic accident,” Abelas said, fangs flashing.

“I mean, I hope they don’t, because to be honest, they can deal with the big bad, and we can focus on what's truly important.” 

“Making pots of money, growing old, fat and rich?” Adaar asked, settling down at the desk in the corner of the room.

“Having lots of sex too,” Penny agreed.

“If you truly believe they are in a position to take over, we can send our people out to make sure they don’t make it here,” Adaar said casually.

“Cole?” Penny moved back to look at him clearly. “You know how easy it would be to make sure they don’t arrive here, only the soldiers would perish.”

The moment hung, as they all looked at Cole who dithered on the decision far longer than Penny thought he would, she was sure he would’ve broken by now.

“Is this _my_ test?” he asked hesitantly, staring at Penny, while Adaar merely smiled.


	52. Wedding!

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The first wedding at Shoptopia!

All she had in her head was the bridal march, or at least she thought it was called the bridal march. Cole looked confused, so she stared hard at Jo, who took a step back. 

“Is everything alright?” Adaar asked, pushing Penny gently forward.

“Yep, I’ve just got this tune in my head, and I can’t get it out. Cole can’t confirm if I have the name right, but then Jo didn’t answer either.” 

“When did you ask?” Adaar asked with a sigh.

“Just, didn’t I Cole?” She tilted her head to glance up at Cole, who was busy pulling at strands of her hair yet again.

“Yes, no, maybe?” he sounded confused. 

“I did ask,” Cole, back up needed now.

“She asked,” Cole agreed.

“Using her voice or her mind?” Adaar was such a stickler.

“Uh - Penny?” Cole gazed at her with big eyes.

“I used my words,” Penny was reasonably sure she’d asked aloud. Pretty sure, maybe fifty-fifty…

Jo was gone already, so Adaar stuck with merely a gentle swat on her back, followed by a behave. Which she was going to do, she’d got her blessing all prepared and ready. She thought, well, she had some scribbles to flash at Adaar to make her feel better about them, which was practically the same thing in Penny’s book. Cole just looked drunk.

The courtyard was done very prettily, Mary and the children had done a fine job of decorating it with flowers and material, with Sera helping to hook things up high as not even Mary could control Sera’s climbing habits. The feel of… Penny described it as sickeningly sweet, with all the happy smiles and lovey-dovey expressions roaming round the place.

“Stop frowning,” Anders muttered in her ear as Connor was busy pulling at his fancy robes as if they were squeezing the life out of him. He had gained some weight recently - “muscle” Cole interrupted, he’d gained some muscle recently, but apparently not new clothes.

“Doesn’t it just make your teeth crawl though?” she could feel the sugary sentiments creeping up her body, rotting her from the insides until she was nothing more than a bloody cherub for cupid.

“It’s rather sweet when you think of it,” Anders looked fondly at Connor who was still busy pulling on his collar.

“No, it’s not, what's going to happen to us? First, we were supposed to be a den of depravity, and now it’s all cute and coupley, I mean look at the place. How is anyone going to believe that this is a pleasure palace when it’s full of love and not lust?”

“Methinks the lady doth protest too much,” came a sly prod from behind, the speaker not in sight as Penny span round to berate them.

“Penny’s just worried about losing the crown of most sickeningly in love to Maryden…” Connor stopped pulling at his clothes to snipe at her. Next time she was going to pay the tailors to make sure all of his clothes were just a tiny bit too small, and maybe add something scratchy in there too… Cole was giving her a fondly despairing look. Why was everyone fond - oh Krem was looking very dashing. 

“Was that a sigh?” Anders commented with a sly grin, as Penny heard someone who was definitely not her sigh loudly and happily at the image of the dashing groom at the altar. He’d shined every inch of his uniform until it sparkled, and his hair was just, they’d managed to get it looking adorable and cute and she felt her chest bob at the huge smile on his face.

Roderick was deep in conversation with Krem and Bull, who was doing a great job of keeping Krem on the ground and not floating off with all the butterflies she imagined fluttering around him. 

“You have got your blessing?” Adaar tugged on her ear lobe.

“Yes, look-” she waved the scribbles about.

“You stole them from the office, Penny, please tell me you have an actual blessing even if it’s just _be well_ ,” Adaar dug her talons in, forcing Penny to look up at her.

“I have an actual blessing, honestly. I wouldn’t let my favourite charger down, I mean either of them, Penny’s honour!” she stuck her fingers up in the Brownie promise, which didn’t persuade Adaar to drop her back to the floor.

“If everyone can be seated,” Roderick requested, as half of Shoptopia poured through the doors and settled down wherever they could. There was a pause before Jo picked up her violin and started playing a gentle tune that Penny had never heard before, but had Krem dabbing at his eyes.

Penny wasn’t sure if she loved the arrival of Maryden as much, with the doors creaking behind them - which someone had done deliberately because none of the doors creaked. A trail of children entered, lobbing petals everywhere far further than possible as they billowed up into the air, lingering before floating down to land only on the path. Then lastly, with the music growing, expanding, throbbing, in a way Penny couldn’t describe, Maryden entered with Shok.

Maryden looked radiant, she was miniature next to Shok, but at this moment she dwarfed Shok. Penny felt her breath catching at the moment that Krem caught sight of his bride. Maryden floating down the path of flowers that sparkled in her wake, the Tevine styled dress that Penny had seen before on a doll looking drab and simple, now looked as if it was made by tiny jewelled spiders. 

Abelas was sat next to Penny. The steady presence of the more solemn elf helping to keep Penny centred, as she drowned in the pure emotions. Cole appearing to be on the biggest high of his existence barely clinging to Penny’s fingers. Clemence took his place almost immediately, solid, real, as Abelas appeared next to Cadash without moving, who was weeping silent tears.

Penny didn’t hear a word of what Roderick said, but she felt every single one resonate through her, echo through the foundations. She watched as two people very much in love bind themselves forever in front of their friends and family, with nary a doubt between them.

She felt herself stand up and join them at the front, almost afraid of the shining beacon of purity. Her mouth opening with the blessing that flowed out, she would need to ask later what she’d said, it had felt right though. 

She vaguely heard the sound of the door creaking again as the two were tied together with the two strands provided by Shok and Bull. Roderick placed his hand on their joined hands, closed his eyes, dipped his head before raising it back up with a smile. The space filled with an explosion of petals as Krem brushed his lips against Maryden’s lovingly, before sweeping her up into a more passionate exchange, the place erupting into whooping cheers and feet stomping. 

From there, it was a blur of whirling colours and warm glowing emotions. The feast was joined by all, with the two guests of honour getting lost in each other every time they even glanced away from their plates. Speeches happened around them, with Bull telling entertaining tales that had them in stitches, and Krem grinning. Shok told a story about how they were first introduced to Maryden, on her night off after coming back from the first encounter with her now-husband. 

Adaar gave a long rambling speech about how it was going to be the first of many happy marriages while glancing at the Ambassador with a gleam in her eye. Jo played music, including Forever Young while staring at Penny. The children were sent to bed soon after nightfall, as the party grew wilder.

The first proper dance, a very bouncy partner swapping, with spinning and jumping, as the bride and groom were passed around the floor in quick succession. The second a slower swaying dance, done to the beat of a drum someone brought out of the woodwork, with Krem leading the steps as his new bride clapped and cheered at his puffed-out chest and strutting form.

The two pregnant women were sat in a corner gossiping like mad, while Mary and her mother were busy tormenting a reluctant Sam into twirling them both at the same time. Cole was never in one spot for more than a moment, beaming at Penny every time she caught his eye. In between dancing with Clemence, Connor took her around the floor while rolling his eyes, as she cooed at him, pinching at his cheeks while Anders was being spun by an enthusiastic Tippany. 

Bull swung her around once, before returning to strutting himself in front of Jo, who was doing her best to play and mingle. Watching the library team dance was something to behold, barely a step out of place as the quickest dance set off that had most others skipping steps or just jumping. Penny bounced over to join them, letting the rhythm flow through her, in a style similar to the Scottish Country Dancing of her youth. Quiet barring the sound of steps on the floor inside of the small square they formed. 

“A ceilidh,” Naomi spoke unasked, as Penny crossed her again, swinging arms together before parting. 

“It is, it’s very much like a ceilidh!” A small community coming together to celebrate with dance and music. They even had the weather down.

Ingrid pulled her away to join Sera and Dagna busy tormenting Clemence who’d stopped to rest his feet after an accident with Kaaris who’d drunk more than most. 

“Clemence says he can drink more than you,” Sera started, flicking a sly glance at Ingrid who was busy necking another jug of the fruity cider they’d been perfecting in the Undercroft.

“Clemence is bigger than me, of course, he can!” Penny grinned at him, as he looked confused by the claim.

“How about we bet on it?” Dagna leaned in.

“Or you could just tell me what you want?” She’d promised so many people she wouldn’t cause a massive scene and drinking until Clemence was paralytic wouldn’t be holding her end up.

“A little birdy told us that you weren’t sleeping upstairs for a couple of days…” Ingrid giggled as Dagna purred at Penny.

“Ya is a thingy present for them, cos Adaar said I wasn’t allowed to give the fumigation sign away for that length of time.” Which was sort of true, if not entirely?

“We want you to join us,” Dagna continued, as Sera kept watch.

“Why?” Why was she asking, because these three were making her giddier already being in their presence? 

“You have access, right?” Sera hissed.

“Access to where?” She had access to everywhere, but then all three had pretty much the same access. 

“Pennnnnny, come play with us,” the three of them started circling her, while Clemence was looking somewhat vacant.

“I want to, I do, but I promised I’d be good!” she was feeling torn because she wanted to play, she wanted to so much, but she’d given her word and she trusted the three of them about as much as Adaar trusted her.

The three of them closed in on her, trapping her in the middle of the whirling buzzing highs, it was as if she was bursting from explosions, the lure to just give in… To just say yes… 

“We’re always good,” Ingrid cooed, with Sera snickering.

Penny glanced about to see if anyone could help, Adaar was busy exchanging spit with Josephine in the corner. Cole was balancing on the top table with his eyes closed. Abelas was nowhere to be seen, and everyone else was distracted by their own groups. “Clemence?” 

“If you can assist me to my quarters, I believe I have become ill,” he spoke after a pause. He did look shaky on his feet, even to Penny's addled senses.

“We’ll help, make sure he gets back nice and safely,” Ingrid bounced, slipping under his left arm, with Sera falling into place on his other side. “Coming Penny?”

It didn’t take Adaar to tell her this was the worst idea ever, and yet, as Dagna took her by the arm, she couldn’t for the life of her work out why.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> so the alternative ending was this (and it went on to start a new chapter but amg **no** )
> 
> It wasn’t until they were next to the eluvian that she realised what they wanted access to. With Sera lounging in the doorway, as Dagna started tapping gently at the edges and Ingrid flitting between the two like a demented butterfly.
> 
> “Can you take us through?” Dagna asked very casually, with Sera snorting.
> 
> “Of course she can. Sammy takes her through all the time, watched it happen, they go in and come out over and over again,” Sera said, with Ingrid nodding rapidly.
> 
> “She does, in and out like a nug in a rug,” dragging Penny into giggles as the three of them set off cackling like crows.
> 
> “Would you like to see our nug?” Dagna purred.
> 
> “She’s seen bigger nugs than ours,” Sera commented.
> 
> “Oooh she has that big one Bianca was crowing about when she came in,” Ingrid added clapping her hands together, “Can we borrow it?”
> 
> “When shall we three meet again,” Penny mumbled, clutching at her waist, she was helpless to the gleams in their eyes as they circled ever closer, pressing her into the mirror.
> 
> “When shall we three meet again?” Dagna asked, looking at Sera and then Ingrid.
> 
> “Does that mean we have to part?” Ingrid cocked her head.
> 
> “Sometimes,” Sera cackled, wrapping her arms around Ingrid’s neck, “I have rich tits to upset, and Clemence scares them off from the Undercroft.”
> 
> “Bianca is very rich, and a massive tit,” Dagna offered.
> 
> “We hate Bianca,” Ingrid agreed.
> 
> They were crowding her, drowning out all of her thoughts, as each touched her skin, setting it aflame until she could barely stand still. “I can’t do it,” this much she knew, above everything else, she was not allowed to go alone. 
> 
> “You can, Sera’s seen you,” Dagna whispered, looming over her.
> 
> “Pennny, play with us, we want to roll in the other place,” Ingrid whined.
> 
> “Mischief places her hand on the glass, and whispers the phrase and the glass ripples,” Sera lured, placing her hand on the glass.
> 
> “When shall we three meet again?” Dagna suggested, eyes wide and expectant.
> 
> “No,” Sera hummed, stroking her fingers over Penny’s hand, making it curiously numb. “Something meaningful to Penny.”
> 
> “Her name?” Ingrid asked, staring up from between Penny’s legs, winding around her like a snake.
> 
> “Everyone knows that,” Dagna tapped the glass lightly, “Something else, something not even we know.”
> 
> “Penny, Penny, Penny… tell us your secrets, let us through,” Ingrid crawled up her front, while Sera blew in her ear.
> 
> “She has no secrets,” Sera threaded their fingers together.
> 
> Penny felt herself expanding outside of her skin, she’d been pushed and pulled in all directions all day. It was too much, too much. They were too close, too intense, her skin was splitting from the energy they were sharing with her. It was splitting too, she could see her fingertips bursting leaving tiny red lines, while all she could feel was the rush of waterfall through her skin.
> 
> Ingrid was pressed against her, kissing Dagna and Sera, with Penny flat against the mirror watching her blood spill down the rippling glass. Sammy had warned against spilling her blood against it, as it was absorbed, disappearing without leaving a trace. 
> 
> Her whole body was thrumming, as the three kept pressing her against the glass in their embrace. She felt her palm crack, and her ankle swelled around the bracelet, her skin shrinking as her body billowed, tiny lines fracturing down her arms, and her eyes growing wet as tiny droplets rolled down her face, all eagerly drunk by the mirror that felt so spongy.
> 
> The last thing she heard, as she fell forward through, was the solidly reassuring “Minx” coming from the other side.
> 
> _what happens when I don't pay attention and everyone goes off script and character_


	53. First Meets : Rage

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Another first meets, but this time it's for Rage

The first time Rage met Mischief, Mischief couldn’t hear Rage. Rage could hear Mischief, they were so loud, for something so faded and confused, they screamed.

Mischief appeared, drawn like a wisp to Rage, flitting around it without seeing. It stayed for longer than any other thing ever had, dancing around and around like a mad thing, before disappearing off. Rage was mixed, the emotions shouted were more in line with it than Mischief, but Rage was where it was for a different way of life. If it wanted to be surrounded by other Rage’s, it would have stayed where it was.

The first time Rage spoke to Mischief and Mischief seemed as if it responded, Mischief looked firmer, it was quieter but less wispish and more realised. Mischief was playing with the small fleshbags, it was a thing more in line with Mischief than screaming in Rage. Rage summoned it, repeatedly summoned it, the gate now warded against Rage escaping to wander.

“Mischief will do this for Rage, Rage is Mischief’s better.” Rage instructed to Mischief who was instead dancing on the gate, throwing more fresh flowers in for Rage. Mischief did it’s best, it acknowledged Rage if it could not understand it.

The Mischief who returned with Compassion was formed further still.

“Compassion, what is wrong with Mischief?” Rage asked. Compassion was easy to deal with.

“Mischief is lost,” Compassion wrapped itself around Mischief who squirmed like every other Mischief Rage crossed paths with. 

“Compassion will free Rage from the shackles,” Rage demanded.

“The people need you still, you are not discomforted and chose to bind to them. It would be wrong to undo the gate when they have worked hard to provide for Rage.” Compassion was ever the pest and left Rage trapped with the fleshbags it advised.

The first time Mischief spoke to Rage, was when it undid the latch while Compassion was elsewhere, giggling and wiggling in the manner Mischief was want to do. “Flee! Flee Rage, and when you are ready, we can take you somewhere better than here.”

The first time Rage spoke to Mischief and Mischief spoke back, was in Mischief’s realm. Mischief had grown from the screaming wisp to something solid and anchored. Its lair felt like Mischief’s realm with other Mischiefs. There were others, Vindictive lurked and grinned dangerously at fleshbags before settling down to long sessions with Rage. Compassion would appear and disappear at will. And then the old ones arrived, the ones that were more than the fleshbags, busy twisting and turning Mischief, Compassion and Vindictive into old ones like them.

“Rage, Rage, RAGE!!!!” Mischief bellowed, darting away from its keeper, one of the dragonbloods. 

“Mischief,” Rage kicked out against the shackles of oppression and met Mischief partway across the ravine.

“Rage! Cole is coming back! Isn’t it amazing and wonderful, I bet you missed him too because everyone has missed him virtually. Even Bianca!” Mischief liked to wrap itself around Rage and scratch Rage’s parts that continually needed scratching.

“Compassion weaves a net across the fleshbags, they would miss Rage more if Rage was to leave,” Compassion was favoured highly amongst the fleshbags.

“Psh Rage, you are just jealous and you shouldn’t be, you are adorable and lovely with your colourful fur. Oh oh oh, I know who would miss you the most, other than me, because I love you. Ingrid - Ingrid loves going off into Rages and throwing chairs, and Cadash adores you too.”

“Rage is not loved or adored.” Rage instructed Mischief who ignored Rage.

“We’re trying to find you another Rage though, so you don’t feel lonely,” Mischief made the noises that the fleshbags did to the little fleshbags.

“Rage is not lonely, Rage does not feel anything but Rage,” Rage rubbed its itchy bits against Mischiefs claws.

“Uh-huh, that's why you let the kids ride on your back,” Mischief played up to its nature. 

“Rage is merely lulling them into a false sense of security before springing its purpose on them.”

The first time Rage felt home in the fleshbag realm was with Mischief, Compassion, Vindictive and the old ones.

The first time Rage felt pure Rage in the lair of Mischief was when a new old one arrived.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> next full chapter up at the end of the week - brownie promise


	54. Doooorriiaaannn

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> A new face appears!

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> There is a bonus bit at the end which happens before the bulk of the chapter, because I had a comment requesting some Anders stuff and I was inspired. *stuffs fist in mouth*

“Please turn up for the next meeting,” Adaar called after them as Penny and Cole disappeared off up to their room giggling.

“Uh-huh, totally, put it in my diary and everything,” Penny agreed, ignoring the groan that followed.

“We’ll send Mary to get you if you don’t.”

“Mary isn’t the threat Adaar seems to think she is,” Penny giggled, wrapping around Cole as he stepped in front, clinging to his back as he carried her up the stairs like a champ.

“Your feet hurt,” he mumbled frowning while depositing her on the large bed.

“Yep, Maryelf keeps jabbing at my ankle with that nasty dagger of hers every time Abby isn’t watching. Samahl can’t keep her from it, I think she’s lower down the ranking than Maryelf.” Cole took hold of her ankle and lightly traced a finger around the metal, prodding the parts where the knife had dug in and left dents from the attempts to prise it away from the bone.

“Her name isn’t Maryelf,” he said scowling as he found the part where Maryelf almost got under it. “She isn’t allowed to touch you again. This looks sore!”

“Anders went demented too, but she has this way of just making me sit there quietly. Like Mary does, which is why she is Maryelf. One look and I want to behave, it’s very odd.” Penny shivered, it was very odd how the demented elf could hurt her and she’d just sit there and take it without whining.

“Taren is abusing you!” Cole got all het up, his fingers agitatedly stroking her skin while his hat bobbed in outrage.

“Maryelf isn’t abusing me, she’s just, stabbing me repeatedly with her dagger, but Abby tries hard. I don’t think Abby is the boss of her though, I haven’t worked out the hierarchy yet like Samahl is higher up than Athim, but then Athim is on a level with Melvara and Samahl isn’t the boss of Melvara,” Penny got her fingers out to try and work out the ranking system.

“I don’t think it works like that,” Anders replied, making his way up the stairs trailed by Connor.

“Well there is some ranking going on because you can see it happen like Abby is always the first one to enter a new room,” Penny pouted at him, she had a valid point.

“Not always,” Cole pointed out, lifting her ankle for Anders to inspect properly.

“Dorian is on his way up, Connor is here because…” Anders trailed off, looking amused for a moment.

“He’s jealous of the way Dorian has an awesome moustache and thinks he can lure you away for Connor’s youthful charms?”

“No.” Connor sniffed.

“A little bit, admit it, Dorian is older, dashing and handsome and you are young and delicate like a flower,” there was a pause as Anders blinked.

“When you see Connor, what exactly do you see?” he asked.

“A bit snotty-nosed, like, weedy, a bit whiny, his clothes are a bit big for him, like look, it's all loose around the middle, surely we can find him clothes that fit better?” Cole prodded her as Connor’s mouth dropped. She was ignoring the fact that his clothes were quite the opposite recently because it didn’t fit the current narrative. 

“You see me as if I’m ten again, don’t you. That’s why you keep trying to make me sit with the children!” Connor became even more agitated than Cole had been.

“That’s so not true, I don’t at all, I just notice the little things, like you have a smudge of dirt on your cheek, just like the kids do,” Penny pointed to the dusty smudge that was probably from running a finger down the bannister and gathering the dust because she’d banned everyone from cleaning her room.

“What smudge?” Connor brushed at his face smearing the dusty finger all over it.

“That one,” Penny couldn’t help but giggle as he growled stalking over to the bigger mirror to wipe it away from his cheek.

“She thinks an adult wouldn’t have fallen for that, but they do, she did it to Adaar too.” Cole helped. “She does see you as an adult, but she likes to upset you because both of you get very upset about it and it amuses her.”

“See, anyway, why did you come if it wasn’t because you were worried about Anders being swept off his feet by the exotic and dashing Dorian? Who is an utter gentleman and of potentially better breeding stock than you? I think Dorian could be Archon at some point, granted I think the plan is that you become -” Cole slapped a hand over her mouth as she was about to reveal Ali’s plans for his younger cousin.

“Fascinating, we haven’t yet been introduced and you singing my praises as if you are my number one supporter.” Dorian was taller than she thought he would be, but then she’d always seen him with Bull, so he was probably suffering from that height-wise. He was very dashing in his pristine outfit that looked freshly cleaned and polished. She let out a very happy sigh as Cole giggled next to her, propping her mouth back closed.

He’d arrived with the wealthy patrons who were currently settling into their accommodation after a hard journey across. Or so she imagined because now she had access to the best system in the world she was never going to go very far at all on foot. They were going to work out how to use mirrors to get literally everywhere! 

“Dorian, Altus Pavus, the best thing to come out of Tevinter other than the hairstyles and some nifty outfits. Oh and we are loving some of the erotica, in parts a bit tame, but inspired in others. So how are you liking it down south where it’s perpetually cold and the men look like badly groomed bears?” She leaned forward, drinking in his magnificence with rapt attention. He preened for her and she let out a peal of delighted giggles.

“Alistair will be most upset,” Anders tutted, trying to get her to stop rolling onto her front so she could lie down with her head propped up. “Will you stop squirming, you know full well he isn’t interested in you, damn hussy. Also, why is there indentations around the anklet?”

“Oh that was Maryelf, she keeps trying to remove it. Tell me all about anything Dorian, can I call you Dorian? Or do you want to be referred to as Altus? Or Prince Charming, look at how perfectly styled that facial hair is. Can you help me get my eyebrows like that? Oh, Cole!” she span, kicking Anders in the face as he was trying to inspect her foot. “Dorian will love the hair salon, we should take him there now!”

“These are new Penny, when did these occur?” Anders squeezed her foot in warning as she tried to squirm out of his grasp.

“I dunno, before? They’ve been there a while, like days now, because Abby sent Maryelf somewhere else and I haven’t seen her for a bit. But she removed some more of the gravel from behind my knee, feel!” Penny hadn’t realised how much of her knee had been gravel, she’d assumed it’d just crumbled a bit until she saw the multicoloured stones collected in the bowl. Dagna was busy making them into glass maracas for her because Dagna understood.

Anders ran a strong hand up her leg to her knee, digging his thumb in and manipulating her flesh while muttering under his breath. “You didn’t mention those being there, before.”

“Like I said, I didn’t realise.” How many times would she have to explain herself to him, the little dictator.

“You didn’t at all,” Cole frowned, catching her flailing foot again, as it twitched against her will with Anders manipulations.

“Well I thought I did, anyway, it doesn’t matter as they are gone now and my knee doesn’t feel like it’s crunching all the time.” She tried to flex it for him, but the grip stopped her.

“Dorian, can you feel this for me?” Anders asked, making a sound as he touched at the place where one of the nails had come from.

“Oh yes, please Dorian, you can give me health tips!” She forgot griping at Anders to stare adoringly at the momentarily perplexed man. 

“She’s not odd,” Cole mumbled, pulling on her toes, “Stop staring, you’re making him feel uncomfortable.”

“Sorry Dorian, I am not seeking a sexual encounter with you, because you find my ladies parts bleargh, but I do admire you as an impeccable, dashing figure too charming to be this far south. I can’t wait to watch you trounce noodles at Chess, we’ll make sure you do by rigging the game if we have to.”

“I am quite sure I can beat any southerner easily and blindfolded. But thank you for the compliments,” he gave her a head nod before moving over to place his hand against Anders. “You’re warm?”

“Not from the fire,” Cole answered for her.

“I would expect from the discussion that you would be cold, how odd.” 

“OW!”

“And you can feel pain, but yet, let me try something,” he mused, as she felt something overwhelmingly cold trickle up her thigh, it felt wrong, so wrong and strange and she didn’t like it one bit.

“Stop it!” Cole shouted, pushing Dorian away abruptly.

“How strange,” Dorian hummed, while Anders made her skin fizzle again. 

“It felt wrong, very wrong, more wrong than anything I’ve felt other than when-” she stopped herself, Rusty felt like that, the cold dullness of overwhelming fear. That’s what it had been, overwhelming dread for her existence.

“You are here,” Cole whispered, resting his forehead against hers, clinging together as if she could cling on to life the longer she clung to him.

“I am here, I am not there, I am here, I am not there.” She repeated a mantra from the first early days when Cole would sit with her in the chill dead of the night, rocking her gently while she wept over half-remembered hurts. 

“I will kill anyone who tries to hurt you like I always do,” Cole whispered, his fingers strong and reassuring.

“I am here, you are here, I am not there, he is not here, I am safe.” Then Maryelf followed by an angry-looking Abelas stormed up the stairs with Samahl trailing after looking harassed as they reached the top.

Penny was very sure she understood every word yelled at Anders and Dorian by Maryelf and then when it came to the furious yelling between Maryelf and Abelas she lost track. Samahl was busy looking like she wasn’t really there as things started being thrown. 

It was rounded out by the very heavy thumps of Adaar running up the stairs and hissing loudly enough to get the arguing elves to cease.

“We have guests who are paying a lot of money, they will not be subjected to petty arguments, do I make myself clear?” Even Penny didn’t want to take the piss, as Adaar had her very pointy talons on display and her horns looked extra sharp. 

Maryelf glared at Abelas who seemed to crumple, before straightening with a fanged smile. “We understand, Taren was merely concerned,” Abelas said, ignoring the scoff from Anders.

If nothing else, the way dramatics of the screaming elves and the livid Adaar removed the feeling of dread and cold from Penny. A sharp look from Cole, who shook his head as she began to open her mouth. Instead, she entertained herself by creeping over to Sammy, who was busy hiding in the corner. 

“This is important not just to us, but to you too, because you are now part of this. We need to make sure our guests believe that this is a reputable place, not a backstreet brothel. I’m choosing to believe that it has slipped everyone's minds that this will open up many doors for us. We are looking to the future people, if you do not want to be part of this you can leave, quietly. If you do, then kindly stop screaming at each other!” Adaar hissed before storming down the stairs not waiting for an answer.

“Well at least I won’t be bored,” Dorian drawled, settling into a lounging position on the sofa.

“I don’t think Penny knows the meaning of the word,” Anders said, as Connor snickered.

“I do too, it’s what happens every time you don’t let me do things!” Cole gave her a look, “You weren’t here man, you don’t understand.”

“Cole understands you completely, that’s why his hair is white, from trying to keep up with your antics,” Anders snarked.

“That isn’t true,” Cole frowned, pulling at a strand of his hair. 

“He was teasing, he’s just jealous, you have lovely hair,” Penny said, blowing him a kiss which he caught and put in his pocket for later. He was saving lots of her kisses for later recently. He’d shown her where he was storing them, and to be completely honest, she wasn’t sure that they weren’t there. She’d felt something, and Cole was convinced, that was enough for her.

“Hardly,” Anders sniffed, before grabbing at her ankle again, while Maryelf was still busy gesturing and talking rapidly at Abelas.

“Lies, you can tell can’t you Cole,” she asked, with Cole nodding rapidly.

“Anders has lovely hair,” Connor got involved unasked.

“It's an interesting style, certainly,” Dorian said, with a small frown. Penny was pretty sure Anders had been visiting the hair salon because he had highlights that were definitely not there beforehand. More importantly, it was all clean and tidy, with no split ends she could see.

“How long did you spend with the ladies?” she asked, reaching out to check to see if her suspicions were right, which they were. He had layers, subtle ones - and the strands of grey were suspiciously missing. 

“I don’t know what you mean,” Anders winked at her, before doing something tingly.

“Ladies?” Dorian leaned forward, watching them closely.

“The hair salon. We have in-house hairstylists with a book of styles from all around Thedas and beyond. We take pleasure very seriously here,” and it had been another fantastic idea straight from her brain.

“I don’t think it was your idea?” Cole blinked at her. “Maybe it was?”

“I mean, at this point, all ideas are essentially mine in relation to Shoptopia right?” She let the statement sit while watching Connors outraged expression.

“Penny, leave Connor alone,” Anders tutted at her.

“I’m not doing anything…” Cole nipped her on the nose, “Sorry Connor, but it is sort of true. If you think about it properly. Anyway, you are only here because I fought for you to be, so you should be permanently indebted - OW, Cole, please!”

“You only did it to annoy Fiona,” Connor stuck his tongue out at her.

“Fiona?” Dorian asked.

“Fiona being the First Enchanter to the Mages, depending on who you ask,” Anders answered dryly, “Also her future Mother of sorts.”

“Oi!” Penny took objection to that, there was no need for that kind of language, she was wounded, mortally wounded. Cole nipped at her nose before lightly kissing her forehead.

“You do pick your battles don’t you,” Dorian remarked, returning to his lounging pose.

“Well you know, you’re only supposed to live once, you may as well enjoy it.”

There was a pause in the arguing from the two elves who seemed to come to an understanding. It involved the dagger being handed over by a mulish looking Maryelf, while Abelas looked like he’d been battling a dragon with one hand tied behind his back and blindfolded. There was a further snarling bark off Maryelf before she stalked over and pushed Anders out of the way, snatching up the ankle.

“Taren would like to check that the necromancer hasn’t undone her hard work,” Abelas said with a pained smile. He reminded Penny of something, as Maryelf snorted as he spoke.

“Are you two, you know - together?” There was a lot of looking at the ground from everyone but the elves. If anything, Sammy looked like she was going to burst out into laughter.

“What did you do, death dealer?” Maryelf snarled, poking a finger at the very dashing Dorian.

“Taren is not fond of anyone else touching Mischief,” Abelas said, Penny wasn’t sure if it was an apology or just an explanation.

“Nothing,” Dorian gave his most charming smile, which in Penny’s opinion would have made most women swoon, Maryelf looked like she wanted to lunge at him. Thankfully they were interrupted by Jamie shouting up from under the balcony for her to come out to play.

“Penny-” 

“Really sorry guys, girls, and… undecided? Important owner business to get to. Cole, are you coming?” She didn’t stop to check he was following her as she slid down the bannister. She could already hear the sound of Maryelf working back up into a yell. What a shame Penny had to go play.

**Anders porn. As a special request.**

The sign was missing, where it’d gone Penny wasn’t sure, she hadn’t needed it for a while. The whole Cole not being there had curtailed most of her impromptu fucking sessions - but now he was back. He was back and the Hand of Korth was about to disappear for a bit, something about not wanting to be about that many lowlanders. He’d promised to return, but the idea of the Inquisition had him nervy. She wasn’t surprised really, considering his original fate, she liked him, she really did, but he really was a rebel without a clue.

Which took her to this point - searching for the sign. She needed it because Krem and Maryden were in her room again. Or more hadn’t left, which considering it hadn’t even been a full day since they’d got hitched made some sense. Some but not all. She needed to shag the living daylights out of her huge Avvar man, and the only way she could possibly do it would be to use the fumigation sign in the tavern, specifically on Bull’s chair again, because it was designed for a weighty backside.

Cole wasn’t helpful either, he said unless she found it herself, he wasn’t helping. Something to do with teaching her a lesson on looking after her belongings. Which was plain stupid, but then Cole was trying his best and she couldn’t begrudge him some lessons.

“Adaar…”

“No.”

“But you haven’t heard what I want to say?” Adaar was so mean to Penny all of the time.

“I’m busy, you still haven’t been to talk to the kitchens yet, like I asked.” Adaar gave her a stern look.

“I’ll do it after - but more importantly-”

“No. I’m not helping until you’ve done the one thing you need to do,” Adaar, the evil dictator. Penny had lots of things to do, she’d written a list on her hand - number one - find sign, number two, find Handy, number three - put sign up, number four - have lots of sex.

“Thanks for absolutely nothing.” 

“You’re welcome.”

So that had been a bust, now to go scouring for it. Orrrr… she could abuse Connor and get him to find it for her as her personal errand boy.

“CCOOOONNNNNOOOORRRRR!”

“Penny, if I hear you again I will gag you, do you understand?” Adaar growled at her.

“Whatever, have you seen him?”

“Go.”

Shagging the Hand of Korth was proving to be harder than she thought. Connor hadn’t bellowed back like he normally did, and Adaar was glaring at her, with fangs showing.

She went to look in all the usual places, the cells, the library, Anders special area that no one was supposed to go to because it’s where he and Connor lived. Penny even asked everyone she saw, and they all didn’t know where Connor was. She then doubled back and asked everyone if they’d seen the sign, because if she found the sign, then she didn’t need to find Connor who was obviously slacking somewhere.

The sign was nowhere to be found, and everyone she asked was blind. Mary had even asked her if she’d spoken to the kitchens, which she totally was going to after she’d done the four things on her hand. She’d offered to show Mary the list, but Mary declined, it was almost as if Mary had an inkling what the list might be.

“So…” Penny was fluttering her lashes at the Printers. They weren’t buying it she could tell.

“I’ve been told not to make another one,” came the reply.

“But I outrank everyone!”

“Take it up with Adaar,” followed by a waving her out of the door. There would need to be changes because this was beyond the pale really, the idea that she couldn’t override her CEO in the place Penny owned! Ridiculous.

Cole gave her a small smile before disappearing off again in the opposite direction. Maybe she smelled today, maybe that was why. Unlikely because she’d bathed in honey and salt for ages, she’d even licked her arm to taste it as it’d been so delicious.

“Aww common boss, you aren’t even in there and you have the sign up!” Bull groused at her as she made her way towards the tavern.

“My sign!” There it was, hanging haphazardly off the tavern door, with Bull glaring at her as if it was her fault. Although maybe it was, because perhaps this was all a ploy from Cole, and he’d arranged it this way so she could be ravished without having to put the sign up herself. 

Cole wasn’t in sight, and neither was the Hand, butttt, if Cole had arranged it for her, then they would be inside.

“Later Bull!” she barrelled in through the door, eager to jump on the Hand and ride him into the ground again. Instead, she clawed at her eyes at the vision before her.

Connor was doing chin-ups, naked - a sight that would be burnt into her poor defenceless eyes forever. Anders was dressed in his healer's robes, the white Doctors lab coat covering, holding a clipboard - and she was mad. This was her Doctor fantasy, not Connors, it didn’t even mean anything to them.

They even had the large metal prods that - no she wasn’t checking where that was attached, she didn’t want to see. Instead, she tried to scrabble to the door with her eyes shut as Connor yelled at her.

“YOU STOLE MY SIGN FIRST!”

“Penny, don’t - don’t stand in the glass!” Anders started off calmly before also yelling as she brushed something off the table. The comforting feel of Cole who was murmuring calming things into her hair, guiding her out of the nightmare she’d stumbled into.

“Boss?”

“She’s had a shock,” Cole said.

“She’s not the only one…” Anders said from behind her, followed by the sound of the door slamming. 

“I - I think we need to burn the sign and get a new one, this one is cursed,” Penny didn’t even want to touch it ever again.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I am such a troll, I apologise. I will promise to do it better next time. Even if it's without Penny involved, because Penny and Connor is not a good mix.


	55. Spa day

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> A wonderful foot massage, some girl talk and more hair pulling.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> warning some description of blood and viscera ahead.

Avoiding everyone was surprisingly easy, especially if she knew where to hide. Which Penny did, because Penny knew everything. 

“You don’t,” Cole mumbled, trying to copy the intricate braid system that the head honcho was doing on their guest.

“I do, I know everything about everything,” because she did. Or more she knew how to bullshit like the best of them - also it was hurting her scalp again. 

“Sorry,” Cole mumbled, she was pretty sure it was because of all the hairpins he had in his lips as one of the other girls was busy explaining about where to put his fingers. 

“So what do you do?” Keeley was busy chatting merrily with Asha in a way that was very reminiscent of being at the hairdressers from before.

“Owning,” Asha replied, as Laurel who was currently sat in a chair having her feet gently massaged with cooling oils let out a rather suggestive moan.

“That sounds interesting, how did you get into it?” Keeley asked, topping up the drinks for the small group. Asha’s husband was practising with the menfolk how to drink as far as Penny could work out. 

“They are practising weapons,” Cole mumbled, jabbing her again.

“Over drinks more like.”

“It’s only fair, we have plenty of drinks here too,” Keeley beamed at them, offering more of the delicious tasting fruity cocktail that Cadash sourced out almost as soon as she’d joined Shoptopia.

“I think Ruth’s about to give birth any day now,” Laurel piped up, sinking further into the chair as her toes were pulled and massaged.

“Are we prepared?” Penny was fairly sure Anders could do it, but then maybe all the birthing mothers had gone elsewhere in Kirkwallia.

“Ruth said the last one she opened her legs and it fell out. She was back scrubbing windows an hour later for the local Chantry,” Laurel said, in between moans as Penny watched thumbs digging into the ball of her feet.

“Think she’ll have more?” there was a pause as the sound of glass breaking, followed by the sound of Mary bellowing “JAMIE!” and then the noise of tiny feet skittering away.

“She likes being pregnant,” Cole answered. “She feels differently. Her body feels more hers.”

“Huh, also Cole, you know how we chatted about how girl gossip isn’t for Cole insights?” Penny tried to tilt her head back, only for him to hold her steady. 

“But she does?” 

“I don’t think she’d mind,” Laurel was now all but purring.

“I am one of twenty,” Asha said, “My mother felt lost when she wasn’t with child. My father said he didn’t have to do more than smile at her, and then another sister or brother.”

“I was one of four,” one of four was enough, to be one of twenty, well her family would never have been able to afford it for one. But the noise around the dinner table with just the six of them was enough to set her mother off into migraines at the best of times.

“We’re twins,” Keeley beamed as Tilly, one of the back girls, stuck her head out from where she’d been mixing up the hair dyes for later.

“Identical, you share thoughts,” Cole peered at them as they nodded.

“It’s how we are both here,” Tilly smiled, moving over to entwine her fingers with her sisters.

“Nothing could keep you apart, not even worlds,” Cole blinked.

“Not even Ms Watson the old bag!” Keeley said with a smirk, as Tilly gave a deliciously mischievous grin.

“She tried though, but Ma said it was discrimination.”

“She threatened to turn up to every event in protest with the press,” Cole murmured.

“She did, Ms Watson didn’t like children,” Tilly said.

“She also had massive tits, they went all around the world and back again,” Keeley giggled, her hands doing a massive curve up and out.

“I saw her just before we came, either she’d had breast reduction surgery, or they were never that big, to begin with?” The twins looked at each other and burst into giggles before making the hand gesture again.

The rest of the session went in a similar vein, with giggles, drinks and Penny being mercilessly tormented by Cole, who kept jabbing at her scalp with intricate pins. She was assured it looked lovely, even if she was more than dubious about it. Clemence didn’t seem to care, though, as he high jacked them as soon as they left the salon.

“You are late,” he said, holding onto her hand firmly as if to stop her wriggling away.

“Late for what?” Although having looked at Cole’s suddenly panicked expression, it dawned on her what exactly she was late for. “Look, that wasn’t due to start until Tippany hopped it to the coffee side, so in fact, I am not late, you are just early.”

“Tippany has left,” Clemence said, pulling her gently but very firmly towards the Undercroft.

“Cole?”

“She didn’t want to stay in the toxic workplace environment any longer,” Cole muttered still looking shamefaced.

“Clemence! You were doing really well, I thought we’d settled the toxicity thing with the whole management training you did?” Penny was surprised to feel disappointed in him, Clemence had turned a new leaf according to the others down there. 

“There was a spill after a disagreement between Dagna and Bianca,” Clemence informed her, which explained everything. 

“Who threw it?” Because she could see what happened, Bianca and Dagna winding each other up to the point where one would throw something at the other. The two were like sisters the amount of animosity between them. 

“She ran at you with a vacuum cleaner, you were scared of breaking your toes,” Cole snagged her hand and squeezed tightly.

“It was heavy and she would get a good run up with it,” Penny giggled. Sisters, vile in every way but gods forbid anyone got in their way.

“You were needed this morning,” Clemence frowned at the pair of them who were now giggling like school girls at the memory of sisterly wars.

“Well, I didn’t know. Otherwise, I would have come, honest,” Penny lied. She had plans and those plans hadn’t included lugging things round and round for Ingrid’s amusement.

“Cole knew,” Clemence frowned at him.

“Oh well, it’s all over now anyway. We are here and ready to help! Just think you get two of us for the price of one Tippany, a bargain at any price,” Penny blagged, as Cole looked even more uncomfortable, she’d prod him later about it.

Dagna had thrown the first item, with Bianca responding in kind, according to Jo. It had escalated until Clemence had appeared only to startle Bianca who’d knocked over a cauldron of poison extract all over Tippany’s workstation. Tippany who’d already left to find Clemence to sort out the warring women, returned, handed in her apron and walked out not looking back.

“I’m not cleaning it up, Bianca and Dagna can,” Penny announced as Clemence explained that she would need to.

“I’m busy,” Dagna piped up, before ducking back down behind the pile of crap she’d been moving about.

“Tough, Cole go get Bianca, and Bianca only not one of her minions. There needs to be consequences for dangerous actions,” Penny was feeling great about being a responsible owner of the great and good Jen Her’alds Shoppe of Oddities, Goddities and Soddities.

“No,” Dagna stuck her head up again.

“Yes,” Penny didn’t give a shit if Dagna wasn’t technically an employee.

“No.”

“Oh for fucks sake, Dagna you almost injured us all, just clean it up, do you really think Penny isn’t going to just repeat herself until it’s done?” Jo exclaimed as Clemence was unaccustomedly quiet. 

“Dagna, you know I adore you, but it’s not fair if Penny has to clean up the mess you and Bianca made,” Ingrid said quietly, and very unexpectedly.

“Thank you, Ingrid, Jo. Dagna, you know we don’t care most of the time, but you could have hurt other people, no more throwing things at Bianca in the Undercroft, or her level. Take it outside to the training yard, where the others beat on each other under the name of training. It works wonders for them,” Penny gave her very best stern expression, which seemed to work, or how Ingrid was looking at Dagna. Penny was going to claim credit, especially when she told Adaar later about her amazing and awesome problem solving and management skills.

Bianca was far easier to convince. Bianca was more than aware of how dangerous the situation had gotten thanks to her actions. The two women swore that they would take any further disagreements out of the workplace, with the first bout planned for the following morning.

The rest of the afternoon went surprisingly easy, there was a tiny bit of lifting buckets of water, far less than Ingrid promised at any rate. Instead, Penny was tasked to stand next to Clemence and remove stamens from delicate flowers, and Cole was given the dirtier work of crushing charcoal. 

The following morning was even nicer, shredding petals while nattering to Clemence, who shared stories of a girl named Diana from the first circle he’d belonged to. His first real love, Penny assumed, from the way he described the freckles on her arms and the way her eyelashes were long enough to kiss his cheek when she would study with him.

If they all sighed a little at the tales of long sessions in dusty libraries as Diana would tease Clemence about how long his fingers were, or the slight prickle of tears as he described how he felt at their first secretive kiss. Well, the Undercroft was a quieter place, with all of them giving him a small hug before returning to important matters of sniffling and rubbing noses.

Evenings spent playing nice with the paying guests, and days spent playing worker bee with Clemence, Penny lost track of time. To the point where she suspected it was a grand conspiracy to make her forget that Ali still hadn’t arrived back at Shoptopia yet. He’d been gone forever. Penny was fast becoming a virgin again, other than some small dalliances with the sign. Clemence banned her from using it in the Undercroft when she’d tried at night to sneak in one of the newer arrivals from the Chargers.

The huge explosion that rang across the sky, however, reminded her that there was more to life than waiting for Ali and slowly becoming a virgin. As did the scream that peeled out moments after as the inevitable happened. 

Ruth going into labour when the sky cracked was expected. She was huge, and she’d been wibbling, Penny was pretty sure that was the technical term. Not that she and Cole had been on Ruth watch, seeing her enormous belly ripple and wiggle as the days went on. Everyone was on Ruth watch, as she waddled around keeping tabs on the children and bossing everyone in reach.

Anders even had the room ready for her, all neatly set up in the manner Harritt suggested she’d like the best. So when she did go into labour, everyone was ready. 

Laurel also went into labour. Howe wasn’t even remotely back, having been delayed with some Warden cock up that involved the only warden in the area to go clean it up, taking with him some of the Chargers and Cadash. Leaving the not heavily pregnant as the triplet carrying Ruth, Laurel alone. Penny was going to kill him when he got back, he should have known.

“Laurel, it’s going to be alright, Cole go get Maryelf and tell Anders,” Penny winced as Laurel squeezed her hand hard. Manoeuvring her off the bridge across to the main gates was harder, even taking as much of the weight off Laurel as she could.

“It’s too soon,” Laurel whispered in between grunting at each visible contraction of her stomach.

“No such thing, believe me,” Penny soothed as best she could, as the dearth of available people loitering around felt strange.

“How many children have you had?” Laurel squeezed hard enough that Penny was sure the crack was her hand.

“None, but believe me when I say I have watched every episode of Call the Midwife, so in that respect thousands,” Penny lied. She’d never watched it, but Laurel didn’t need to know that, she needed reassurance, which Penny could do.

“Nathaniel, I need Nathaniel,” Laurel sobbed.

Followed by the sound of a cheer as a wail rang out from the perfectly set up birthing suite. 

“Well, like all men, he’s a bit late, but I am sure he will be back in plenty of time,” Penny lied. They didn’t know how long they’d be when they left, though no doubt they’d hurry back with the breach closure if they’d heard it. 

Thinking back to watching cows giving birth wasn’t helping, nor was the coaxing of breathing that Penny was hoping would work. Instead, as Cole took an eternity to find a healer, Penny’s prayers to all available goddities were answered by Roderick appearing looking serene.

“My child, what a blessed day indeed it is, the sky healed and the birth of children,” Roderick gently removed Laurel’s death grip on Penny’s crippled hand and took it into his own. “All will be well, how can it not be?”

Penny was reassured or relieved, she wasn’t sure which precisely as the feeling returned to her hand. Laurel calmed as the older male spoke quietly to her even more so when Adaar raced into view with Maryelf. 

“The fourth child is trapped,” Cole whispered into Penny’s ear, as Maryelf pushed her out of the way to crouch between Laurel’s legs.

“Fourth?” Penny whispered.

“Ruth’s triplets were quadruplets,” Adaar hissed into her other ear, “Anders is trying to save the fourth.”

“Shit.”

“It hurts, it hurts, where is Nathaniel, I need Nathaniel,” Laurel keened as Maryelf pulled out her ever-present knife.

“The baby needs to come,” Cole whispered as Maryelf started to sharpen the blade, “It doesn’t know how to leave.”

“We can’t do this here,” Adaar hissed, as Maryelf tested the blade on a strand of hair. “We need to move her first, she can’t have it here.”

It was met by a stream of fast, vicious nonsense, as Laurel’s stomach rippled, then stopped. 

“Laurel, the healer Taren is going to help you with the babe, it will hurt, but the Maker is with you,” Roderick said.

“We’re doing it here,” Penny was pretty sure what was going to happen next, the only thing they could do was make sure Laurel wouldn’t be able to see as Maryelf cut into her stomach to remove the child. “Adaar hold Laurel, Cole and I will help shield.”

Penny wanted to believe that Nathaniel would come riding over the bridge to them, just in time to see his child being brought into the world. Penny wanted to believe that Alistair would be by his side. 

Roderick radiated calm while Maryelf cut quickly. Penny watched as the layers of skin and viscera were peeled away to reveal the smallest baby she’d ever seen. Cole was trembling as the tiny thing squalled loudly as it was delicately removed from Laurels heaving body.

“We’re losing her,” Adaar hissed as Maryelf passed the baby over to Roderick for Laurel to see and feel as she with started pulling more viscera out of the giant wound, or womb. Penny wasn’t sure which it was at the moment, it looked messy, far messier than a cow’s insides.

“You have a beautiful girl,” Roderick spoke softly, gently wiping the babies face before resting her against Laurel's cheek.

“Laurel, are we naming the baby Penny?” Penny asked as Laurel’s eyes barely fluttered.

“Penny, not now!” Adaar growled.

“I think Penelope is a good name or Jen, and I get to be an honorary aunt being here when she’s born. Howe will hate that, he’ll think I’ll corrupt little Penny,” Penny carried on as Laurel grew paler.

“Taren!” 

“I think she’s a bit busy,” Penny whispered half an eye on the small needle that was dancing through flesh with the very familiar feeling of cold healing happening.

“LAUREL!” Penny bellowed, with Adaar glaring as the baby upped it’s crying by tenfold. Laurel’s eyes opened further catching sight of her baby. “Laurel I am going to teach little baby Penny everything I know.”

“Bronwen,” Laurel sighed, her eyes trembling as she fought to stay awake.

“A beautiful name for a beautiful child,” Roderick smiled. “Laurel, all will be well, trust in the Maker, he never asks for more than you can give.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> *coughs* I'm sorry.


	56. Self Reflection of the Penny Kind

“Clemence…” He still wasn’t talking to her, even if he kept touching her as he reached for things.

Cole wasn’t helpful either, having abandoned them to coo over the five children in the nursery with the exhausted mothers. Leaving Penny alone to bear the brunt of the disapproval from Clemence alone, with only Ingrid, Jo and Dagna as back up.

She was not enjoying descaling fish one scale at a time with a pair of tweezers. Especially after he’d told Ingrid to tell her off for wasting scales that fluttered off into the great beyond, it was getting beyond a joke, her back was killing her. Granted that had more to do with the gymnastics she’d done with Asha and Reyes than descaling a fish but still…

“I know a song that will get on your nerves,” Penny started, knowing full well that it was a sure-fire way of getting him to talk to her.

“Don’t you dare,” Jo waved a vial of something sludge looking.

“Whatever, alright I can whistle?”

“No.”

“It wasn’t my fault Laurel needed me more than you, I was honestly on my way when you know the whole sky cracked and then all the preggos started popping them out. You like Laurel, she’s lovely, you even like little Bronwen when you came to find us. You said she had a firm grip, like her father,” Penny tried.

Clemence didn’t even unwind at all, it was utterly unfair. No one was really talking, it was like all the life and joy had been sucked out of the Undercroft and stolen by the gloom fairy. It made working long, tedious and awful. Nothing at all like how it had been when she was just a simple owner of a multinational corporation. Back in those days, she had a blast all the time, making decisions as and when she wanted. 

“We need Penny,” Adaar pulled her out as Clemence glared but still didn’t speak.

“About bloody time.”

“Cole remembered to tell me,” Adaar arched a brow at her, before disappearing to deal with boring stuff leaving Penny alone with her thoughts. Mainly, she was definitely feeling her whole body forget what sex was like.

It’d been a very long time since she’d last experienced the pleasures of the flesh, not counting earlier for the night spent with Asha and Reyes. Or the very sly six or seven hours with one of Abby’s lot while they were all distracted with the latest puzzle upset. Why they didn’t keep them separate at this point was beyond her.

How long had it been since she’d felt the touch of hands on her breasts? Other than Anders when he’d been examining her with Maryelf and Dorian - which actually didn’t count. Or the feel of a kiss on her lips? Cole barely snuggled with her before going to coo on baby watch.

Adaar was besotted with Josie, no longer even reacting to the blatant flirtation. Dagna, Sera and Ingrid were cosy and loved up too. In fact, everyone was, it was sickening, what was a poor sex-starved girl to do?

“Roderick?” 

“Penny?” Roderick asked, looking up from his big book of rubbish.

“I’m going to miss you when you leave,” because everyone was loved up and leaving. Or just loved up, the same difference when she was abandoned by her lovers.

“Leave?” He sounded puzzled.

“Do you really think that Laurel will leave you here? Or Howe when he finds out how you saved his wife and child.” Then there would be one less person in Shoptopia, in fact, there would be three less, Laurel, Bronwen and Roderick. She wasn’t counting Howe, because well… He still didn’t seem to overly approve of her relationship with Ali, or maybe it was how she’d accidentally covered him in dragon goop.

Roderick merely smiled at her. Well, that was a bust, no long drawn out conversations here where he made her feel better when he claimed he would never leave because it genuinely was the best place in the entire world.

She was met by groans at the tavern.

The library was a hive of productivity with everyone hushing her when she tried to talk.

The children were busy. 

The emotion she was feeling was boredom. The heaviness of her very soul, forcing her to drag her feet towards Rage. Rage was reliable, always grazing and avoiding the rougher of the tiny hands.

“Rage…” Rage didn’t even look up from the flower patch. She was now used to being ignored.

“I used to be someone, I’d walk down the stairs and they would shout “Penny” like they would “Norm”. I used to enter a room and be greeted by smiles, and now it’s like I’m just an inconvenience.” Penny settled into a handstand to think.

“I get it, other things are happening, babies being born, that need a lot of attention. Ruth’s struggling with her milk, according to Cole. Anders and Maryelf are worried or concerned. Howe still isn’t back either, and we’ve had no word from any of that group of when they’ll be back.” There were some things she wouldn’t say aloud, and the fear that there was a reason behind that. Well.

“Adaar’s busy with trying to organise us for the arrival of the rest of the Inquisition and everyone else. As well as making sure that Asha and Reyes have a wonderful time - which they are, there is no doubt about that.” Asha had already put a down payment on coming again within the year, which was great news.

“It used to be all about me though, I would make the big decisions, the plans and then everyone would stand around me telling me how wonderful I am. I miss that.” When was the last time someone told her how she was amazing, other than earlier, and how Adaar kissed her on the forehead after they’d gotten Laurel and Bronwen inside finally. 

“I know I’m a self-absorbed cow, I do. It’s just hard when you go from being the centre of attention to well… yesterdays newspaper. Cole’s barely been paying me any attention, at all. Clemence hates me, Alistair isn’t back. It’s alright for you, you in your retirement stage - oh don’t look at me like that, you are the living embodiment of having retired to the countryside to live the quiet life. You are literally eating flowers. How many other Rage’s do you see doing that?” Rage gave her the dirtiest look she’d seen yet from it.

“I’m not saying it’s a bad thing, look at Tinky and Winky, they are loving, as much as they can, being tiny ponies for the children. It’s just they retired before they made it out of nappies.” Rage merely snorted at that as Twinky and Winky pranced forward to receive some pats before chasing each other around the paddock in a bizarre game of tag.

“My point still stands though, if I wasn’t here any more, no one would notice. What use am I anyway?” Penny asked, trying to balance on one finger for extra bonus points for her acrobatic skill.

“My life would be easier at least,” Adaar drawled, catching at her ankles to keep her balanced at the surprise of Adaar’s arrival.

“Oi!” 

“My internal Mischief warning was going off, it seems it was right. You promised not to do anything dangerous unless there were responsible adults around. Rage doesn’t count.” 

“I’m just doing handstands.” Adaar was always a killjoy.

“Next to the bank edge, where if you fell, you could break your neck. Really Penny.” Complete with a sigh.

“It’s not like you need me anyway.”

“True, like I said my life would be much easier. No worrying about schemes that make my blood boil, or impossible dreams that cause me nightmares in the middle of the night.” Adaar hoisted her back onto her feet.

“It’s hard, admitting your own faults, including that I’m not the centre of the world.” No response. “This is the point where you say, “Penny you are being ridiculous, of course, you are,” and I go, “Thanks Adaar, I know I’m not really, but it’s nice of you to say so.”

“You aren’t,” Adaar drawled, giving Rage a good scratch around the horn area.

“I know I’m not really, but I have been, even if it was for a brief glimmering fiery, explosive moment.”

“You were barely the centre of our existence for that, much less than the world itself,” Adaar was always a massive killjoy.

“I was the centre of Cole’s world.”

“You are jealous of the babies, I told Mary that and she said you were far more mature than you seemed to be,” Adaar said with a grin.

“Psh, I’m not jealous of the babies, I’m not jealous of anything really. It’s just, I was alone for a long time, having never been alone before. And then I was here, and I was alone again, and a bit not completely here. Then I found Cole and I wasn’t alone anymore, and I was important. For more than putting things inside,” Penny was struggling to explain, Cole would know, but then he wasn’t here. Which was her point?

“Perhaps, and this might be a strange and odd concept for you, but it's not really about Cole abandoning you for half a morning, and more to do with what's happening as a whole?” Adaar had Rage almost on it’s back as she scratched.

“You don’t need me,” which wasn’t the point either.

“By design, if you wanted to be necessary you wouldn’t have palmed it all off onto me,” Adaar wasn’t even looking at her.

“I know I’ve had half a foot out of the door, but-” she ignored the look from Adaar, “Alright, what do I do now?”

“What do you want to do?”

“Ugh, I hate having taught you that,” Adaar merely grinned at her. “I don’t know, the original plan was just to fuck up the Inquisition as best I could. And look ma, I did it. But then, well, to be completely and utterly honest while Cole isn’t about - I didn’t expect to still be here. I sort of thought I’d be long gone. How I’ve not died yet is beyond me, like honestly, I wasn’t even playing safe. Playing safe isn’t, I’ll be honest, putting my hand in a dragon’s mouth even if I did sort of think it was sleeping.”

Adaar continued to scratch Rage, not saying anything with her mouth, her eyebrows were speaking for her. Penny could hear the “well duh,” ringing in her ears.

“If you think about it, when I propositioned Ali, having known all sorts about him - well it’s a good job I have decent tits. Oh, and propositioning Gaspard knowing that we were going to kill him, Cole stopped me from dying then, but to be honest, I kind of expected it. I went into the lion's den and crawled into its jaws and waited for it to strike. Honestly, I should be dead. Well more dead than I currently am. You lot should have offed me after the whole leg incident and you didn’t.

“You lot could have overthrown me at any point and you haven’t, it’s like I’m living this unbelievably charmed life that I continue to push at to find the edge. Except the edge is oblivion and not the game. So I find myself feeling invincible, which only makes me feel less connected?” Adaar was just letting her ramble.

“I didn’t plan for any of it. Or not really, when I had issues with coin I’d just go and get some with Cole from some rich pricks coffers. Or before that, go loot some corpses while I was out herbing. Or pickpocket, I was pretty good at it. Never got caught once you know. But really though, what have I even got to offer? Everyone has a role, and I don’t, or not really.”

Was that even the issue.

“I’m not needed, I don’t have a plan, I can’t leave, and shits about to get real.” That seemed the closest, she was not looking forward to what was going to come next. 

“At any point has this not been real?” Adaar asked as finally Rage submitted to the sheer power of Adaar’s fingers and fell asleep.

“It’s so mundane! I took a rebellious idea and turned it into this. Everyone's loved up and settling down, we have minutes of meetings for fucks sake. We have projections, and plans to diversify, all from stealing the place from Solas.”

“Solas?” Adaar pinned her with a stare.

“I mean the Solar Empire, who is the real villain,” shit she’d forgotten that they’d agreed that only after Abby’s lot had their first four attempts, they would let Adaar into the deal.

“The Solar Empire…”

“Yeah, bad fuckers, it’s almost a shadowy organisation, but because its solar it’s light. Yeah, that's right, having stolen this place from the Solar Empire, I turned into a boring adult.”

“Providing stability for everyone here for the foreseeable future,” Adaar drawled, “I can see why you would be annoyed with yourself over that.”

“Don’t you want to be out there, adventuring?”

“I can if I want, but not really. Good opportunities are few and far between for those who aren’t connected. We’ve all lost good friends and family members out there thanks to “adventuring”. Those corpses you looted belonged to someone who belonged to other people.”

“I know that, but don’t you find it boring?”

“Penny, I say this with as much restraint as I can muster. At no point have I found myself bored, I have found myself ready to kill you, I have wanted to strangle you, I have wanted to shake you, I have wanted to gag you. I’ve also wanted to hug you. We have not had a permanent home in my living memory. Settling down happened when we retired, not before because it was too dangerous to. Now, my family, those who were too young, too old, too ill to be part of the “adventuring” crew, are joining us. In new houses built by us, to settle down, owing no one but ourselves.”

“But what about killing dragons and other things?”

“While Bull lusts for the things, they are better avoided unless you can’t. There aren’t many dragon hunters about, they mainly die.” Adaar paused. “This place is odd, there is no denying it. We have people from another world entirely living here, we have ancient elves, we have spirits. 

“But more importantly, we have people who are happy, healthy, and aren’t all trying to kill each other.”

“Well not yet anyway, when is the rest of the Inquisition arriving?” Penny couldn’t help the words tumbling out of her mouth. “Oh and what about Dagna and Bianca? Or you and Bull, or Connor and Dorian?”

“Bianca and Dagna are not out to kill each other physically, they just want to be the best-”

“The very best? The best there ever was?” Penny stuffed a fist into her mouth to stop from singing the rest of it.

“Connor will settle back down once Dorian is no longer single, Mary has been working with Krem on suitable mates for Dorian. For the good of the library,” Adaar said dryly, ignoring the most important couple in there.

“Dorian will need someone large, physically. I would bet he’s more of a pillow princess, so he doesn’t muss his hair too much. So we need someone who can haul him about but respectful enough to acknowledge the effort he puts in. Intelligent too, he needs conversation, and someone who understands what being privileged is, but not necessarily born to it. So he doesn’t get into an echo chamber. Someone who can challenge his beliefs but understand that sometimes mages are just a bit highly strung…” 

“You’ve put a lot of thought into this…”

“It’s important, you can’t add a single eligible male into the pool without considering the consequences. Now I never saw the whole Connor/Anders thing happening, let's be fair - did anyone? But as soon as Bull was off the table, thanks to Jo because I can’t see Dorian being happy to share with a woman… Well, we have to think these things through.” Penny ignored the raised brows.

“Right, so have you picked someone for him?” 

“Carver,” Penny gave Adaar her most convincing smile.

“Carver who?”

“Hawke,” Penny made the smile even bigger.

“Carver Hawke? As in Carver Amell, the person you’ve been panting over?” There was a note of disbelief in Adaar’s voice.

“Yes,” Penny’s mouth was aching from the smile that was slipping into a grin.

“Carver of Kirkwall?”

“Yes.”

“So after we bent over backwards trying to get Dorian, for your benefit in particular, after we spent a lot of coin and favours, you want to pack him off to Kirkwall?” Adaar had that look, and she was scratching at her horns, with slightly clenched fingers.

“You want to throttle me, I can tell.” Sometimes Penny regretted her slight lack of filter.

“Yes, yes, I do.”

“Well he can do what me and Ali are going to do, and use the network, obviously,” she fought hard to keep the duh off the end of the sentence.

“And Carver is single and interested in mages?” 

“I don’t know, but I don’t think he’s not?”

“Right, so, let me get this straight. You have found the perfect partner for Dorian, but you don’t know if he’s single, or even interested in looking for a partner, let alone one of a magical persuasion?”

“That’s the right of it.”

“Right.”

For a moment, a brief glimmering moment, she was sure that Adaar would prove to Penny that she wasn’t indestructible by throttling her. Instead, she was wrapped up into a big hug, that included being carried back inside.

“Penny, in all of the contracts Shok accepted, this - this is the most terrifying,” Adaar gave an extra squeeze.

“Adaar, Penny, shit, words in, they’re here,” an out of breath Kaaris met them by the gates.

“Howe?” 

“Inquisition,” Kaaris panted.

“Shit.” She wasn’t sure if that was Adaar who said it, but Penny definitely thought it.

Even from this distance, after Adaar handed over the glass, Penny knew the expression on their faces. Gaunt, shell shock, despair. Soldiers returning from the front, led by a grim-looking Evelyn Trevelyan, flanked by her two advisors. Shoptopian carts carrying what looked like wounded soldiers around the diminished bulk of the Inquisition forces.

“Penelope St John of Jen Her’ald’s Little Shoppe of Odds, Gods and Sods, we, the Inquisition, ask to be granted sanctuary,” Evelyn projected across, standing one side of the bridge as Penny was forced by Adaar to stay the other.

Shit.

“Evelyn Trevelyan, Inquisitor of the Inquisition, the people of Shoptopia grant you this. May your enemies be ours,” Penny gambled, trying not to flinch as Adaar’s talons ripped into her shoulder.

The sound of grinding as above them the sign that had previously set to NOPE changed to OPEN. 

“Do you have any idea what you have just done?” Adaar hissed into her ear, as Penny gazed up to where Cole was, perched on the N, the ancient elves lining the walls, peppered with the rest of her people.

“Stopped being bored?” Penny whispered, flinching as she saw Abby and Sammy flank Maryelf, keeping Maryelf’s hands firmly behind her back. 

“Welcome to Shoptopia, Inquisition.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you for all the wonderful comments, and well-wishing. I will admit I'll be happy once we've passed this bit, because as you can probably tell, Penny's not really one for the main canon plot. It's like - there right, but she isn't the Inquisitor, because could you imagine the hell that would be. Would they even have gotten out of the dungeon? Varric is going to be pleased though, when he sees the stock room of all the upgrades Penny and Cole went round stealing, buying and collecting so he couldn't have them. Adaar will be happy though (eventually) when they get access to the room of crap Penny's kept insistent that it's all important but not why. 
> 
> On that note, I had a chat with a friend about how we wouldn't want to meet our characters if they knew we wrote the stories. Adaar would not be pleased with me one bit. She sees Penny as kin, hence why she hasn't drop kicked her off the edge of the Undercroft, but I would not do as well. "Why did you write about that awful fumigation sign, do you have any idea how much trouble it causes, because Penny doesn't!!!"


	57. Spring Cleaning

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Penny experiences growth.

Frosty wasn’t quite how she’d describe the atmosphere. More, fiery pits of hell, with a dash of the centre of the sun thrown in. Adaar wasn’t so much as talking to Penny currently, as howling at her, but quietly. It rang in her ears, with not even Mary allowed to interfere in the blasting Adaar clearly felt Penny deserved. Cole was still too busy to save her as well.

“Am I interrupting something?” A very welcome voice came from behind her, while Adaar was explaining again in extreme detail all the reason why Penny was an idiot.

“ALISTAIR!” She would have launched at him, but Adaar had hold of her ear firmly again, and she wasn’t too keen at having another piercing, or at least not that large.

“May I borrow Penny?” His warm voice asked as she could feel him try to pry Adaar’s talons from her ear.

“Have you heard?” Adaar hissed.

“That Penny is sporting more holes than last time I saw her?” Alistair was still trying to pry Adaar’s fingers away.

“She never learns. The children learn, even Bull learns, but Penny? Penny never learns,” Adaar snarled, forcing Penny’s feet to dangle in the air, with Alistair’s hands supporting her weight.

“Adaar,” Ali’s fingers were warm against her skin, worming their way in between her top and the skirt.

“She has informed the Inquisition that their enemy is now ours!” Which was met by a swat to her backside from Ali.

“Minx!”

“Ali! It wasn’t exactly like that, honest!” So much for the fond reunion, instead now he was on Adaar’s side which was completely unfair.

“IT WAS EXACTLY LIKE THAT!” Adaar bellowed into her face. “THEY ASKED FOR SANCTUARY, THAT’S ALL YOU DEMENTED IDIOT, NOT TO JOIN IN FIGHTING ANCIENT MAGISTERS!” 

“It just happened, I opened my mouth, and the words came out,” a fair and accurate representation of the facts as Penny knew them. She hadn’t been planning on offering to fight the good fight like she had with Kirkwall. In fact, precisely the opposite but thinking about Kirkwall…

“Minx, be very careful about what you say next, I’m not sure I can stop her from killing you,” Ali said. She supposed he was going for a firm tone, but it was just sexy, coupled with how his hand was caressing her bottom.

“You didn’t complain when I did the same with Kirkwall!” she felt rather than heard Ali groan.

Adaar was an interesting colour, with her mouth opening and then closing, and then opening again. “Kirkwall?” 

“Well yes,” Penny squinted as Adaar’s fangs gleamed in her direction. It was like she was unable to stop herself reaching out to gently place a fingertip against the closest. She could even see herself doing it, the head in the lion's maw. Waiting for Adaar to snap.

“Alistair, keep her out of my sight,” Adaar very carefully removed her talons and went to leave without looking at Penny, before doubling back after slamming the door.

“What do I do?” Adaar paced in front of her. “I tried talking to you, it didn’t work. I can’t scare you, nothing scares you. I can’t shout because you just see it as a challenge. I ignore you, and you do shit anyway. I involve Mary and you pander for a bit before doing your own sweet thing regardless. So what do I do?”

“I think what Adaar is trying to -” Ali started.

“No, she knows exactly what I’m talking about. She isn’t a child, she isn’t stupid for all her actions. She understands consequences, so tell me, Penny, what do I do?” Adaar stopped, lowering her voice to a more normal tone. She looked defeated. Defeat was something Adaar should never have to feel because Adaar kicked ass. Adaar was secretly Penny’s big goddamn hero of the hour. Shit.

Adaar was giving her the I’m not angry, I’m just disappointed speech and fuck was it working. She looked disappointed. There was no known counter to the disappointed spiel. 

“I’m sorry, I should have checked with you before saying anything.” Adaar just sighed in response, rubbing at her forehead. She looked fifteen years older, defeated. Penny knew she was the cause of it, more than she knew anything else in the world. 

“I don’t think I can continue to be the CEO if this continues.” 

“I - I don’t want you to leave, because you are my best friend here. Ali doesn’t count, he’s my heart. Cole’s my soul, but you are my best friend. When we go, it’s all going to you, we agreed, didn’t we Ali?” 

“It’s not about this place, it’s about respect. You have no respect for me, you have no respect for this place at all. Do you understand what agreeing to help them means?” Adaar asked gently.

“I didn’t think. I just opened my mouth and the words that felt right came out. I do understand that, I in my stupidity, have just announced war on potentially all of Tevinter. That I’ve just painted a big target onto us.” She hadn’t thought, and now all she could feel was sick. She’d brought them into a war, all the babies, all the people who had flocked to escape the shit and she’d just invited conflict into their home by painting a massive target onto them.

The worst thing about being dead, Penny knew, was the no gag reflex. That and there was nothing really inside to throw up beyond the fruity cocktails she’d been downing before Adaar collared her. They didn’t taste any better on the way up, as her stomach contents hurled out onto the stone floor, splattering her legs.

She should have felt grateful that Ali had the presence of mind to hold her hair back. Instead, all she could think of was how fucked up she’d made everything.

“I didn’t think,” she wanted to explain. Wanted to explain that she wasn’t used to having her actions impact on others, but that was a lie in itself. She just hadn’t cared before, because it was all petty stuff. A national holiday for the fort? Who cared other than Adaar. A sign up so she could have sex? Well, it didn’t matter, Bull would complain or join in no matter what. She’d moderated her language around the kids, she’d handed over the important stuff to others. Yet she was Jen Her’ald to the outside world. It was her name smacked all over the paperwork they’d been working towards.

“I know,” Adaar sighed, which hurt even more.

“I am sorry, I will make sure they understand that it doesn’t mean we will be going into battle with them. There will be no violence here, I swear,” and she could have sworn the air fizzled as Adaar nodded. 

“We will discuss what we can offer before we talk to them, there will be implications,” Adaar said, giving her a look. 

“I know a big bone we can throw them…” One of the storerooms full of upgrades she’d stolen with Cole before all of this had happened. The storeroom in particular that Adaar had begged her to clear out because it was the perfect place for some crap or other. Then there was the massive pile of one of a kind upgrades for Bianca made by Bianca. Adaar gave her the faintly amused look, the one she wasn’t supposed to know meant that Adaar was amused.

Penny wriggled out of Alistair’s grip to bodge Adaar with her hip, holding out her hand for Adaar’s much stronger one to join her, resisting the urge to purr at the small reassuring clench that almost crushed her fingers. 

“So you know that pile of bits and pieces…” She started, leaving the room before turning her head to whistle at Alistair who was looking faintly baffled. “Come on, we need to go have sex after I make Adaar a delighted CEO.”

Penny was growing as an individual, she could tell, as she felt the warmth of Alistair at her back, and the strength of Adaar by her side. Growth might be good.

They’d had a little wobble, as Adaar was shown the full extent of crap that Penny had stolen from the Inquisition, or not so much stolen, because they didn’t have it, to begin with. More, she acquired it before they even had a chance. She’d arranged with Mary to bring some of the stockpiles in on their trading cycles, as they were passing different areas Penny had stashes in. Adaar seemed to only know about a couple of the retrievals.

Adaar hadn’t been aware either of the deal Penny had with Bianca. How Penny was paying Bianca to work on upgrades for Varric - but giving them to Penny to keep out of his grubby mitts. 

“About time,” Bianca waved them over to the small storage cupboard full of intricate bits and pieces. “Am I to keep on working on it?”

“He can pay you to if he wants,” and Penny would pay to be there to see Varric approach Bianca and ask. So far in the short space of time that the Inquisition had been at their gates, Varric had run from Bianca every time she’d entered the same area as him.

“I could throttle you,” Adaar said with a straight face as Penny pointed out all the books she’d stolen from locations that should have ended up with the Inquisition. Naomi was watching with the intensity of her profession. The library staff weren’t fans of the idea that they might give texts away. It took Adaar a measure of patience to settled the ruffled feathers, and a signature promising that any books gifted would be replaced by the coffers of Shoptopia unless there were triplicates of the text on the shelves. Penny kept quiet by making out with Ali amongst the stacks until Adaar came to grab her.

“You won’t throttle me because like I said, it wasn’t theirs, to begin with. Perhaps the Inks might have gotten them if I hadn’t taken them first? Or they could have ignored the great cultural significance of them - like the mosaics.”

“The mosaics?” Adaar was chewing on the inside of her lip, Penny could tell, probably to stop from laughing, it looked more like a laughter stopper than throttling Penny. Also, Adaar’s hand was still comforting in Penny’s rather than around her neck.

“Well, they must have a piece of that one, because it’s missing one, so we might have to ask for it… But yes, see, those nice ones Cadash found us a master craftsman to do because you said that if we asked Abby’s lot, we’d be waiting for mmphhh” a hand clapped over her mouth.

“I would thank you not to repeat that again,” Adaar said with a very narrowed look. Penny shrugged, Adaar hadn’t been wrong, so far she wasn’t sure if any of the mosaics downstairs were completed. They seemed to just have pieces missing all over the shop.

“Anyway, so I have some ideas of where else we can get the mosaic pieces that I didn’t get to yet. I figure the Inks will just hand them over anyway if they stumble over the bits, not like they have a place of their own to display pretty pictures,” Penny glanced up as Adaar let out a snort. “It’s true, what are they going to do? Hang it in the wooden hall they have, or it can go here on our nice stone walls with the others. I know which I think is more impressive, the Inks can think of it as rent.”

“Rent?” Adaar asked very carefully as they avoided going into her office where Josephine could be heard talking to her assistants.

“Well, unofficial rent. We tell the Inks, part of us supporting them is that they stay for “free”. Then they feel indebted, so when any Inks spot shit that we have, like mosaics, then they go “oh, by the way, we thought you might like this,” see? Perfect plan.” 

“What makes you believe they’ll feel indebted?” Adaar asked dryly, helping to lift her up onto the wall that Penny had slapped her hand against the top of three times.

“Religious organisations, it’s practically a necessity, right? All that guilt for random bullshit, see they should do what I do and live in the moment - I mean,” she racked her head as Adaar’s fingers clenched just enough in warning. “Thinking about actions and consequences and how to make things right?”

The resulting horn scratch probably meant good save. “Do we need them?” Adaar asked casually, placing a hand on Penny’s legs as they began to kick against the wall. The wall that was the right height for Ali to slip between her legs and… Probably why Adaar sent him off after the library incident. They hadn’t gotten too far, no penetration at any rate. Given another couple of minutes, possibly penetration, his fingers had been stroking her inner thighs, in just the bestest of ways as Adaar interrupted them.

“I think so, there is no way she’s closed all of the rifts right?” Penny was utterly focused and not squeezing her legs together at all.

“Not the Inquisition, the mosaics,” Adaar flicked her lightly.

“Yeah, now we’ve started collecting them, they are like Pokemon. We gotta catch them all. Although std’s are not like Pokemon, you do not need to catch all of them.”

“How am I supposed to tell the Inquisition about the wealth of goods we have, that they should already have, if I have understood the breadth of what you’ve told me,” Adaar sighed, scrubbing at her horns, it was almost nostalgic of the early days of CEO Adaar.

“I KNOW WHAT WE CAN DO!” Penny hadn’t realised how loud that came out as the birds shot up and into the sky. “I mean, I have an idea - not about that problem, that’s a CEO problem.” She didn’t yelp as Adaar swatted her. “Alright so, I think we need dolls of Shoptopia - with movable parts, but not sex dolls - that’s creepy, I mean kids dolls.”

“Do you ever pay attention to our discussions?” Adaar asked.

“Yes?” Mainly. “Anyway, so what we’ll do is get one of you that can scratch it’s horns because that’s classic Adaar,” she carried before Adaar could dispute her claim.

“Perhaps we could carry on focusing on how I’m to give as aid three storerooms full of items you’ve been hiding from me?” Adaar swatted her on the leg with the back of her hand.

“Just say - here you go,” at this point Penny was happy to just whistle for the Inks and point them at it.

“Here you go,” Adaar repeated slowly.

“Look, if we want to make it official-sounding we can go, “we here at this place - use Shoptopia or Jen Her’alds blah blah blah whichever you want-” she stopped as Adaar’s hand was scratching hard at her horns.

“Blah blah blah?” Adaar’s tone conveyed a certain lack of amusement at Penny’s ability to cut out long windiness. 

“That or etcetera, etcetera if you want to be fancy,” Penny waved her hand. “Anyway say that and they will fall at your feet. The Inks will praise us to the highest point of the mountains and the deepest trench of the sea bed.”

“Trench of the seabed?” Adaar asked with an arched brow. “I’ll talk to Josie about how we have excess supplies of things they might find useful.”

“Or you can just do that, a nice bit of pillow talk - OI!” Penny flailed as she was pushed.

“You deserved it,” Adaar sniffed, helping her to regain balance.

“I probably did,” said with a grin that Adaar returned. She was definitely growing.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So there are like a million versions of this chapter, and even now the characters are glaring at me being all like "why do you let Penny say what she wants?" and I'm like, look Adaar, you don't know how hard I wrestle with her too. You might be her CEO but I'm her biographer at this point. My excuse and I'm sticking with it.


	58. Babies

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Babies. Oh and we get some more information.

She found Ali with Cole, cooing over babies. Laurel, busy breastfeeding two babes, looked the very picture of a contented mother. The healthy glow that pregnant women were supposed to get was radiating from her. Penny could hardly tell that she’d almost died in childbirth going off how she looked now. It was an easy decision not to mention the near-death experience, given that it could still be counted as hours ago. If one was so inclined to commit to the passing of time, which Penny decided against almost every time. 

Penny was reasonably sure that neither babe was Laurel’s, even if they all looked alike with their squished goblin faces. It was also a testament to how absorbed in the babies Cole was, that he hadn’t smacked her for that thought. He normally did, being that he was now their guard dog against all threats, even those of disloyal thoughts on how ugly the things were.

“You survived,” Laurel said with a laugh, gazing down at the two small bundles of joy, that kept nomming on her very ample bosom. It’d definitely increased, to the point Penny noticed. She tried not to notice Laurel in that way after Howe had bitched at them in great detail about not involving his wife in their obscene behaviour. What exactly he meant was up to the direction of the wind, it so far ranged from sex on the throne to discussing redecorating the entire Warden Keep.

“Adaar is a pussycat really,” followed by having a check, in case Adaar was standing directly behind her, ready to throttle the remaining life out of the upright walking corpse. Nope, no reaction from Cole on that one either, he was most assuredly obsessed.

“A very strong, dangerous, pussycat,” Ali added, scooping up two of the other goblins to bounce gently. He didn’t seem to have any protection on, so Penny decided to keep a wider berth. Just in case. She’d been caught several times by sick-up thanks to Cole’s insistence of her holding the gremlins. He didn’t seem to understand that to Penny, they were in all intents and purposes, ticking time bombs of destruction.

“I don’t suppose?” Laurel asked, still beaming at the hungry mouths sapping away her life force - that thought had Cole give Penny the eye. Nice to know he wasn’t completely oblivious to her. As to Laurel’s not too subtle question…

“Nothing yet sorry,” Penny tried her best not to sound concerned. Wardens did odd things, Cadash was with him, as were a few of the others. Still, not coming back after the world cracked with the repairing of the sky was odd, even for a Warden.

“Don’t suppose what?” Ali hummed, bobbing as he did small circuits of the room, it looked like a figure of eight pattern, although it could have been the infinity symbol. Cole should have giggled at that, but he was too caught up in wiping away spit bubbles.

“Howe went out with Cadash to investigate some Warden shenanigans, been gone a little bit and still isn’t back yet,” Penny aimed for a light and airy note.

“There have been more sightings of spawn recently, nothing like back in the run-up to the blight, but it is curious,” Ali said. He hadn't stopped gazing at the ugly little goblin in his arms like it was the most precious thing in the world. Which was blatantly untrue, because she was the most precious thing in his world. A spot she shared with Cole, Pebbles and cheese.

“Yeah, almost like something is scaring them up into the arms of death, eh,” as soon as she said it, without Cole giving her the worlds biggest eyes, she knew that they wouldn’t let it go.

“That’s an interesting way of putting it dear,” Ali said lightly, looking up momentarily with a squint.

“How’s Ruth doing?” the snort from Ali, promised that the line of conversation wasn’t over.

“Not… not good,” Laurel said with a small wince. 

“Understatement of the age,” Anders muttered appearing from the other room, looking shattered. “We need wet nurses, Laurel is doing marvellously with her milk, but Ruth can barely produce enough for one. Kirkwall or Denerim are the ideal places you should search for them. Two at the very least, three if you can manage, the formula we’re using isn’t doing more than staving off starvation for the little ones.”

“Have you asked Adaar?” Penny wasn’t entirely sure when she’d become a quester, and as the boss should she be going off on missions to find wet nurses? That thought was stuffed as far down as she could and smothered with awww, babies, before Cole could glare at her again. He was very broody. 

“Darling Minx,” Ali was trying to say something, badly. Probably along the lines of “darling minx, Adaar is very busy right now. Perhaps you should take some responsibility for your charges like I do with my people. Why yesterday I assisted in birthing the mabari pups because that's what a leader does.”

“Did Pebbles let you imprint on another pup?” He blinked at her.

“No - I’m not sure how you knew about that either, but she was very sniffy around them.” He got even more misty-eyed as he clearly imagined a puppy pile of babies and puppies. Penny was going to be sick with all the cuteness going on. “You could join me if Howe is missing it is my duty as acting Warden-Commander in his stead-” he paused as she snorted, “thank you, dear, to arrange a rescue mission. I’ll need to get our best and brightest, to make sure that Laurel isn’t under any undue upset.”

He could be a charming bastard at times, being all gallant while holding babies and sweet-talking mothers. She knew what the game was, Cole and Ali, the broody hens, trying to make her broody too. Not today, not tomorrow, not never henny hens, she was quite happy as she was without gremlins puking and shitting all over her. If they wanted that they could just go hang about with the Chargers after a long session.

“You want me to go to Denerim? So that while you go off playing Warden, I have to go talk to lots of people I don’t know, and spend time with your mother?” HA! She caught the slight mouth movement. Fiona felt precisely the same way Penny did, utter disdain. There was no way she was going to volunteer to spend any time with the woman who clearly didn’t appreciate that her son was a fine specimen of a man.

“I want you to come to Denerim with me so that I may introduce you again to the people you will one day be almost in charge of ruling over,” Ali lied to her face. 

“Just say, come with me so we can have sex in my bed for once,” she ignored Anders sighing. 

“And that, also Cole, I need your advice on a small matter…” Great. Her two men were busy doing the dewy-eyed thing again. Now Anders was cooing over the squalling bundles of pestilence. Cole was definitely giving her the eye - thinking thoughts of sunshine and happiness, not of blargh babies.

“Now, Penny,” Anders said not even looking up from examining the belly button of the smallest child not currently attached to Laurel.

“Yeah yeah,” she was not a quester, but apparently today she was. “Any idea where I can find wet nurses in Denerim?” He looked at her finally, she was pretty sure that was disbelief on his face.

“Perhaps you should consult Alistair?” Oh right, because Anders wouldn’t have been strolling around Denerim like that. He’d have been hiding and then - actually even if he did know back when he was an escaped mage, the chances of the same women still milking it up were unlikely after a decade. 

“Any requirements other than three if we can manage it?” She was ignoring how Ali was fish facing it up with odd pops of his cheeks, a finger stuffed in a hungry mouth.

“They need to be female, with milk.” Anders was being difficult now.

“Do they need to be…?” How to put it delicately.

“Human? No.” 

“No, do they need to be ample?” She made a quick big boob gesture, with him looking at her blankly. “Am I looking for big boobs as a surefire yes they have lots of milk?”

“As long as they’re healthy, no, it doesn’t matter what size they are,” he was staring at her like she was insane. It wasn’t as if she’d been around a lot of milking females if she was an aunt she wasn’t aware of the fact. She’d been kidnapped well before her friends had started popping out sproglets. Coupled with while she’d been cavorting around the countryside stealing shit, babies hadn’t been a priority to coo over.

“Lots of people don’t know about women’s breast production, don’t look at me like that. I’m very sure I know lots of things you don’t know and I don’t try and make you feel small about it.” Great her nose was wrinkled, which meant she was all wrinkly glaring at him. “Alright put the hazardous waste machines down, we need to go find us some milk producers and wardens.” She ignored the noises of dissent, they all had baby brain.

Giving Laurel a kiss on the cheek, Penny could just about work out why they were going so gaga over the babies. They were very soft and squidgy, with the fat little hands and feet. But the smell… Also what was that crusty thing on the top, nope, she wasn’t going to throw up again, no matter how much her stomach seemed to want to at the smell. Listening to Cole and Ali chatter about how adorable they were wasn’t helping either.

“Look, you know we can’t right?” she exploded after they still hadn’t shut up even within the crossroads. Athim had his head down and mouth shut, even as she desperately attempted to gain some back up against the might of her Heart and Soul baby talking at her. Sadly, Athim was not a bro, in fact, she couldn’t remember the last time she’d had a bro. Cole did not react.

“We can?” Cole was giving her the best puppy dog eyes, with Ali doing the same. It was not working, it couldn’t work because she was a strong, determined woman who did not give in to puppy dog eyes, no matter how big he made them. No meant no. 

“Ruth hasn’t shown any inclination of giving up any of hers, so short of stealing children which would not go down well in the polls,” she wittered on hoping to distract. “Also it would cut down on sexy time.”

“It wouldn’t,” came the sulky response.

“Oh, right? Sexy time would still be sexy while trying to change stinky nappies, and I feel adorable when covered in sick. And another thing, we have a plan! We get Connor the Kingship. This then heralds in the new age of chillness within Ferelden with ties to the strong and stable nation of Shoptopia. Also including a working relationship with Orlais et al. We bring a child in and then they get the King or Queenship, see it just wouldn’t work. How about instead, you convince Connor to get a sproglet and then you can coo over that, but we hand it back at the end of the ten minutes.”

Athim was doing the ancient elf equivalent of whistling loudly, by making hmming noises while crouched down at a small distance. She knew he was just faking, it was all in the way he’d ducked away as soon as she heard her voice go up a notch mid-rant.

Alistair opened his mouth as if to disagree. 

“Look, did you want children until you held those ridiculous bundles of snuffles? Because not once have you mentioned it. You’ve mentioned puppies, pretty much any time we passed any dogs you’ve been all, “I wonder if Pebbles would mind,” or “Well you could get one? And then Cole needs one too”. Not, “let's have babies.” Because until you saw a whole pile of the things it didn’t occur to you,” she hoped. Because she was dead, Cole wasn’t much better and Ali had ten plus years of darkspawn taint to uh, taint his men.

“And you,” she poked her finger into Cole’s stomach. “You’re just drunk on them needing, it’s all limited emotional need at the moment. We can’t take babies out killing dragons, Adaar would actually kill us. And what happens after Ali dies, because I don’t know about you, but I’m already planning on, you know, going with him. The only reason I’m still knocking my boots together is because of you and him. That and short of actually getting the Randy Dowager to admit defeat, what else is there to accomplish?” 

“We need to leave,” Athim spoke as Cole stared at her with even bigger eyes. 

“Trouble’t mill?” and like that her two men switched from sulky baby obsessed swine to evil killing machines. It was nice, in an evil killing machine kind of way. 

“Time to leave,” Athim picked up the pace. 

“Other’s walk the roads,” Cole hummed.

“Not all who walk are to be met,” Athim murmured, glancing off to the side repeatedly as they sped towards a point through the trees. “If I do not return, send word to Abelas. Do not enter until bidden.” 

“We could dispatch any interlopers…” she wanted to throw it out there before they left and Athim was alone. Not that he was necessarily defenceless, but he was concerned which left her concerned. Ish.

“It would be unwise,” he gave an odd look to Cole who ducked his head. “Leave now.”

“They come,” Cole hissed, pushing Alistair through first.

“Go.” How could she resist, even as she caught sight of a figure emerging from the distance. Cole pulling her through as Athim stepped in front, blocking them from view.

“We should probably go back?” It felt wrong to just leave him there. Alone. To face whatever it was alone, meanwhile, their triad were safe, surrounded by slightly confused guards who were fully armed and prepared.  
“June’s are not as friendly as Sylaise,” Cole murmured, as Alistair greeted his people with forced cheer. “But they will not kill him.”

“Oh?” She’d gotten her dress dusty already, surely Ali would have had the room cleared of all the cobwebs and - yes, that was dog hair and dust on the handrail.

“Alliances are being forged, but for some old habits are difficult to break. The common enemy is a tenuous brokering point,” Cole hummed, glancing at the mirror as she felt herself doing.

“Sammy says that you can’t trust any of them, including our lot.” She didn’t even disagree with Sammy, they all had reasons she was unaware of for playing along with the situation. The thing was, Penny doubted they actually meant them any harm. Harming others though, that was a given.

“He was very angry,” Cole said with a nod.

“I bet he was, enough to make mistakes?” Because that was what Sammy said Abby wanted, the old wolf to fuck up.

“He’s unsure what to do, it was not as he had planned.” Understatement of the year. She hadn’t seen his face, but she’d seen their faces as they stared out across to where their enemy lay. The fact he hadn’t turned and ran only spoke to his arrogance. The face that Mythal’s own presented, upon the battlements of his former home, had not been the welcoming of a family but of retribution and vengeance. Cadash would have been in her element.

“You haven’t been about,” the conversation only reminded her of what he’d been depriving her. Him. The way he slid his hand in hers, the way he used to, back before they had anything to protect. A silent apology. A homecoming. 

“Ruth needed me more.” He said it with a steady certainty, it was a fact.

“Is she?” Postnatal would be her description of the condition she suspected Ruth was suffering from. Penny might not have been around many babies, but her god mother’s attempted suicide thanks to postnatal, had been talked about. He squeezed her hand. “Ruth needs you more than I do.”

“Taren believes she will adjust, in time,” Cole sighed, squeezing her hand tighter. “Anders does not believe that Taren understands how much time Ruth has.”

“They can both be right or wrong,” she sighed now. “We can get some wet nurses to make them both less milk bottle like, ease the pressure off and then keep an eye on her?” She’d signed up to steal from the rich, not to give medical advice on matters she didn’t understand. His other arm slipped around her waist, tugging her into his side, an easy gift of her compliance to receive a hug.

“Taren has used three attempts, Abelas does not want you to know,” he whispered into her hair. She couldn’t help the snort of laughter. “He believes that you will not see it how the others see it, out of mischief, purely to deny them the head of their enemy.”

“The others, being everyone other than Maryelf?” She could imagine the kicking off down in puzzle paradise if they discovered that three of their four attempts on the wolf’s life had been wasted. Mostly because there was no doubt Maryelf's attempts involved running at Fen with her knife out. Abby would not be happy with her if she announced open season before they could off the old rogue.

“She sought him out and tried to stab him,” Cole let out a small giggle, hers was far louder. “She stalked him around the village and tried to stab him a second time.”

“Please tell me she just walked up to him in the middle of one of their meetings and tried to do it again, because I can see it now. Maryelf walking up to the prick while everyone is talking about rubbish, and then him trying to explain why an ancient elf just tried to stab him for no obvious reason.” Adaar’d have kittens as the one who then would have to try and thrash out diplomacy between the Inq, Shoptopia and the Puzzlers. 

“He tried to enter with the carts, she saw him on the bridge and if it wasn’t for Varric, he would have fallen a very long way.” Cole snuffled her hair, suddenly very interested in the way it fell around her ear. Her very sensitive ear. That he was disturbing with the way his breath blew across it, leaving her skin goose-pimpling like a mother.

“Oh?” She took in a breath, holding it as he continued to tease the strands of hair that had the temerity to fall over her auricles. 

“There were no witnesses. Abelas believes that this means they should not count,” Cole breathed as she exhaled, retreating as soon as she shivered. “He does not know that Taren told Ruth, as a reason to fight the darkness. Ruth has to fight it, as Taren needs to fight hers.” Wait, did that mean Ruth knew that Solas was the real enemy? He shook his head.

“That doesn’t quite sound like Maryelf,” she pulled away to squint at him.

“We are strong, we will kill the enemy. If the enemy resists, we do not give up.” He mimicked Maryelf, complete with stabbing motions with his daggers. That was more like it, delicate she was not, murder happy, Penny could definitely believe.

“Are you two coming?” Ali coughed standing on the other side of the door, having clearly finished with his people. 

“Yes dear,” they cooed, grinning at each other as Ali’s ears turned red.

“Now about this baby talk…”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I totally got suckered into Baldur's Gate 3, and then Medieval Dynasty. I was strong though and finished editing this before writing a Cadash/Solas story in the Medieval Dynasty world.


	59. Interludes : Sam

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The first time Sam met Penny/Jen

The first time Sam met Penny, who was Jen at the time, he knew immediately what she was. She was from Earth, like he was. It was all in the way she spoke, she didn’t even pretend like he’d done, to keep quiet. He’d tried to let slip he was also from Earth, but she didn’t seem to notice.

“I’d pay you, but I don’t have my card on me, and I’m guessing you only take contactless,” Penny who was Jen giggled, kicking her legs against the cart as it trundled forward. She was the first other person from Earth he’d met. 

“Visa or debit?” he’d asked her, and she’d just grinned at him without any connection to his answer.

They’d spent a few hours in silence as she’d drifted into a strange meditative state. She hadn’t slept, but there were no lights on at home when he’d looked at her. It was the first time he’d started to worry about her. When he came through, after taking the one route out of a woodland path, Mary had been a blessing. She’d seen him stumbling out of the woods in nothing more than a ragged shirt having been chased by bears, and taken him under her wing. Mary claimed that she’d spotted the perfect opportunity to finally convince her mother that she wasn’t going to die alone. Penny, Jen though, was alone, vulnerable.

“How long have you been here for?” He’d tried again. She didn’t look freshly arrived, her clothing for one, and the way she didn’t stare at the things what were so different. Like the fact that they were in a cart, rather than a car. Or how she’d met him outside of a Templar stronghold. Actual Templars, and not the old men dressing up so they could drink lots of wine, although…

“Not long, a couple of days, I’m on route to find a job in Southreach.” Long enough to learn place names, and to worry about work, but not to acknowledge the dangerous position she’d placed herself in. Bandits were rife, even near to the heavily patrolled areas. He was male, and she a lone female, that alone should have been cause for concern. Yet she showed none at all. 

“Where did you come from?” He meant to ask when too, but she’d babbled long and hard about not knowing the name of it before they met with a neighbour on their way back from the hills laden down with a fresh kill. No safe time to speak. Her accent though, British, or Ferelden as he had to call it now, like him. The occasional north Yorkshire lilt that made him smile a tiny bit, a memory of home. His was beaten out by being surrounded by home counties folk, his mother would have died of shame hearing her son pronounce his h’s.

He’d offered her a bed for the night with him and Mary, explaining that Jamie was teething, but she declined, claiming she had a place to stay. There was no job, not that he was surprised, he’d not heard of any new jobs being advertised. It made him wonder, why, why accept a lift to a place with a stranger but then she’d accepted the lift back, meeting him at the fork in the road. Perhaps, like him, she just needed to travel to forget sometimes.

He’d forgotten to mention her to Mary, Jamie was blue in the face from screaming so loudly, even with the old wives tricks to help him. Mary hadn’t been in the mood to do anything beyond hand over their child and disappear off to her mothers for a good nights rest, as Sam would be away again for two nights in a row. 

The first time he spoke about Penny, Jen, the Earth girl to his wife was when a mercenary appeared at their door with an unbelievable job offer. It’d been years, his life busy with a growing boy and the increase in work from the Redoubt. They barely had time to make sure they spoke to each other when they could, never mind discussing odd occurrences years earlier.

“Why is a woman I know nothing about offering you precious gems and more coin we’ve ever had to work for her?” Mary scared him half to death at the best of times when she wanted to. 

“I did nothing, honestly, Mary. I have never so much as thought of another woman since the first time I laid eyes on you,” Sam held his hands up as the Mercenary smirked behind his wife’s back. They clearly didn’t believe him any more than his wife did. He couldn’t blame her, he didn’t understand why either.

If not for the amount of time he was spending away from home, he wasn’t sure Mary would have agreed to meet with Penny. He wasn’t sure he would have given up a certain job, for even the amount she was offering. It felt suspicious even to him, he’d done nothing more than given the woman a lift two ways, that was all—no reason for such generosity.

The first time Mary met Penny, he was sure Penny, Jen, was going to end up with a black eye. His Mary could look after herself if needed, and Jen as she was still looked vulnerable, even surrounded by people. He felt the urge yet again to reach out, to connect, even as his wife weighed her up.

Jen/Penny’s babbled explanation of how he’d just been kind to her at a time when she needed it, and a promise that he’d been a perfect gent. Though, Sam thought perhaps Mary saw what he’d seen, someone who looked lost even surrounded by people. Someone who reminded her of him perhaps, Mary claimed she knew immediately Penny was like him. Jamie adored her, Mary adored her, and even Sam admitted when Mary reassured him that she wasn’t worried, that he saw her as a younger sister. 

The first time he saw Shoptopia, it was like nothing he’d ever seen before, but then he’d never been further than Redoubt and Southreach until that point so hadn’t seen any of the other castles. Grey, one of the mercenaries who’d come to collect them from Southreach claimed that nowhere else they’d been, looked like it either. The Iron Bull had laughed, before reeling off a long list of better-looking buildings as Adaar tore her hair out, trying to organise the mass of people.

The first meeting he attended with Penny, she’d wiggled and squirmed the entire time, only settling when Mary used the same voice as she did on Jamie. It was at that point he knew they had a new child, one who looked to be their age, but nonetheless, Jen/Penny was theirs from that moment on.

The first time he met the King of Ferelden, well. He’d been naked, and Jen riding him like he was a prize stallion. It was an interesting introduction, as he’d rescued Jamie from staring at the horses right next to where the two lovers were going at it like rabbits. Sam hoped he’d gotten away with it until Mary was asked by Jamie what some of the more adult words used meant. It was the first time he saw Jen look shamefaced.

The first time he realised that she wasn’t quite like him, was when she hung from the balcony with the odd boy Cole clinging onto her. It was too late to change their mind at that point. She was theirs regardless that she wasn’t quite human, that she had an invisible friend who was no longer invisible. He’d asked Cole if Jamie’s invisible friend was like Cole. Cole claimed that Jamie’s friend was nothing to be worried about. Sam chose to not be.

The first time he stood up for her was in the meeting to discuss what to do next. There were mutterings from some that it was immoral what was going on. Mary allowed him to speak first, as her knuckles were white clenched around Jamie as he slept.

“We will be staying. Nothing has changed for us. Why this is any more immoral than opening up a pleasure palace which we all signed up for is beyond me. The pay is more than fair, the benefits are above and beyond anything I’ve ever seen.” Sam sat back down only to listen to the Tranquil Collective announce their support for their employer. 

“Anyone who wants to leave can,” Cole spoke up, after being given permission to speak by Adaar who’d been running the meeting. The first time they’d watched as people were made to forget before being escorted away with a small severance package as per the oddest spirit he’d ever met. 

He was, for the first time ever, well off. Mary negotiated, Adaar agreed, and Cole smiled. 

The first time he knew what Penny was, it made no difference.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> totes cheated because I failed to edit the actual chapter so you get this instead muahahahahahahaha


	60. Apology

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> A long meeting and an apology.

“Order please,” Adaar looked up from the long list to glare at the chattering masses, that didn’t involve Penny, because she kept her conversation strictly in-wards. Cole, however, liked to reply out loud so, technically, that was on him.

“First order of business, welcome to the spokesperson for the Inquisition.” Cullen stood awkwardly - why was it Cullen, Penny thought everything was alright between Adaar and Josie?

“It is, they think that it seems too much like nepotism if the Ambassador is the liaison as well and that using the Commander it will show a fairness,” Cole answered while Adaar glared at them both.

“Thank you for that,” she straightened the papers, “Commander Rutherford if you would like to say a few words?” He did not look like he wanted to. “He doesn’t want to,” Cole agreed, and Mary smacked them both on the hands.

“Thank you for the welcome,” Cullen said quickly, ignoring the muffled snickers from the duo.

“For the minutes, I would like to also welcome the Warden liaison,” Adaar drawled, with Alistair looking up from his sandwich to nod, his role was purely to keep Penny in check, because there was no other reason she could think for him being there. “He wants to talk about the warden issue,” Cole whispered in her ear. 

“Second order of business, congratulations officially on the engagement, while it’s not often you see such a disparity in a marriage, I’m sure that our Warden will be able to step up to the challenge.” Adaar clearly hadn’t forgiven him for the comment over breakfast, and Ali pouted. “As it will be a longer engagement, discussions as to where the ceremony will take place will be done over future meetings.” 

“Here, obviously,” Penny answered. Where else would they have it?

“I think Denerim would be more fitting or Redcliffe?” Ali said with big puppy eyes.

“No, here, this is where it’s being held,” she looked at Adaar and Mary who both nodded.

“I thought we were going to discuss this later?” Ali switched tracks as if that was going to get him his own way, she was no fool.

“We can do a faux ceremony in Denerim or Redcliffe - in fact, we could have many ceremonies in all the different places, but we are sealing the deal here. Because this is where we’re going to live,” Penny petted him on the hand. 

“Moving on to the third order of business before the engagement is over, do we have a representative for the - what is the club’s current name?” Adaar looked at Cadash who frowned for a moment. “The Peregrinators.”

“Right, so do we have the official representative from the Peregrinators?” Adaar asked, looking around the table, with Sam raising his hand reluctantly. “I have an issue raised from stores regarding an incident with the club.”

“What issue?” Penny leaned forward, disengaging from the silent debate about wedding venues with her two boys.

“It appears that the children have been attending club sessions and then requesting large amounts of paper?” Adaar carried on as if she hadn’t heard Penny at all.

“Without permission?” Penny asked before Sam could answer.

“If they were stealing it I would have said stealing, rather than requesting, wouldn’t I.” 

“If they are simply requesting, what’s the issue?”

“The issue is, that they have permission, but the sudden uptake in requests has coincided with the increase of usage thanks to -”

“Oh, so our children can’t have paper because we’re sharing our stores with the Inquisition?” Penny felt her hands go to her hips and Cullen slunk into his seat.

“If you will let me finish, Penny, this only has a little to do with the Inquisition, this has more to do with the latest run of the catalogue. The children are requesting the heavier paper, which under normal circumstances, is fine. Still, it has coincided with the newest edition of the catalogue, and the Inquisition settling in with their own stocks. This is not an admonishment.” Adaar took a deep breath, her talons releasing from the gouge in the table. “Sam, do you know why they suddenly need so much paper and of such quality?”

“The twins are running Blue Peter sessions,” Sam answered. “It’s been driving us spare in all honesty. The children are told to ask permission before doing any of the crafts, so they keep asking. Harritt’s complained as well over the number of blunt scissors he’s had to create.” Harritt let out a heavy sigh.

“Blue Peter?” Adaar asked as three people started to explain at the same time.

“It’s harmless, it’s making things with cardboard tubes and sparkles - why didn’t they ask me to join in?” Penny frowned.

“We’ve been busy,” Cole reminded her. It was no excuse, they knew she liked chaos and making things was the epitome of chaos. 

“Can you ask the twins to co-ordinate with stores when setting out what they will be making?” Adaar cut across her. 

“Of course,” Sam nodded.

“Fourth issue, again another for Sam I’m afraid. We’ve had a few complaints that the “choir” practice, is if anything, getting worse. I hesitate in asking but is there currently someone in charge of the singers?” Adaar looked pained when she used the word singer.

“Sadly no, it is a known issue. The group is more of a casual collective and seem to spend half of their time arguing about lyrics and melodies. Jo refused to be involved after the great lyric debate regarding one of the more popular songs,” Sam said.

“I’d join,” Penny offered.

“They have enough issues,” Cadash said with a smirk. 

“Can’t they just write down a set of lyrics and use that?” Penny asked, sticking her tongue out at Cadash.

“That was the great lyric debate.”

“Oh.”

“Yes.”

There was silence as they stared at the table.

“Tell them that until they elect a leader, no more than one person can sing at any time, and set a reasonably short time limit on it. I’ve heard battles with more harmony than the noise coming out of the sessions,” Adaar said, putting a mark next to a point.

“Fifth issue, for Commander Rutherford, this has been brought up by Abelas acting as spokesperson. Can you inform yours that unless invited, trying to access their area will be treated as hostile, and dealt with accordingly? We can supply you with the names of those who need to be told specifically.” Adaar looked down at the list and frowned. “Abelas?”

“Yes?”

“There is one name on here four times?”

“Yes.”

“Right, moving on to item six, Cadash?”

“The builders have asked again to stop trying to damage the stonework, if they catch anyone doing it they are going to toss them over the side,” Cadash purred.

“If I catch anyone trying to sabotage the structural integrity of Shoptopia, they’ll wish all I did was toss them over the edge,” Adaar growled. “Feedback to the relevant people that by damaging the structure, the builders are being torn away from building the settlements for our families. This is unacceptable.”

“Also if your trying to kill someone, falling masonry is just very knock off Agatha Christie, you want something much better than that,” Penny decided to help, with Sam nodding thoughtfully, before stopping at Mary’s elbow.

“Quite. Moving on item seven, Krem, can you remind those involved yet again that the influx of people isn’t an invitation to scam them at cards. Anyone caught will be made to lead the choir practice,” Adaar lifted her gaze up as Krem made a small noise of agreement.

“Item eight, Commander Rutherford, it has come to my attention that some of the more Templar minded of your people, feel it necessary to lurk in the general vicinity of the library without reading. Harassment of any kind will be treated with the necessary measures,” Adaar’s talons dug back into the table.

“No means no,” Penny leaned forward to poke a finger in his general direction. “If they start harassing my people-” Cole slapped a hand over her mouth which was completely unfair because she hadn’t been about to threaten them with anything more than Adaar had.

“This includes any Wardens or Fereldens,” Ali added, with half a shrug as Cullen looked momentarily betrayed before slumping further into his chair.

“Issue nine, the transport network Mary?”

“The network is not a free service for any item, can we feedback that trying to bully people into forcing carters into taking extra items because they can get them fired is going to mean we will blacklist them.”

“The person in question has been dealt with. However, it has led to several complaints about others attempting to abuse the system. Mary and Sam are integral to the machine that keeps us afloat and working. More so, they are family, we do not abuse family,” Adaar said.

“Also Mary wouldn’t transport the wyvern for me, so why anyone expects me to cease working with them if they won’t take smelly shit is beyond me,” Penny blew a kiss to Mary.

“That’s what the Chargers are for,” Adaar muttered loudly enough for Bull to rock forward with an outraged air.

“Hey now!”

“Obviously it’s because we thought that you were the only ones up to the job of capturing a breeding pair alive,” Penny blew kisses at him while Adaar snorted. 

“Item ten is a list of all the creatures we are not going to try and breed here, Connor please pay attention as well as Penny. Make sure Sera reads the list as well,” Adaar addressed Dagna who nodded.

“Item eleven, can we please stop trying to slide down staircases, it’s not big, and it’s not clever.” Adaar seemed to be looking only at Penny.

“How many items are left?”

“Item twelve, all suggestions for additions to our stock need to go through the relevant channels, not left in places where anyone can read. This not only applies to written ones but more importantly,” Adaar paused and glared at Penny, “When using diagrams. Remind people where the suggestion boxes are.”

“Item thirteen, there is a delay on the use of the other network, Abelas will keep me informed as to when it will be safe to use.” She waited for him to nod before sitting back in her chair. “I open it up to the floor, any other business?”

“Further to item thirteen, we will be hosting delegations, unless individuals are given permission to visit our level, it would be safest to keep away.” If Penny didn’t know any better, she’d have thought Abelas was speaking carefully.

“He is,” Cole mumbled. Did that mean she wasn’t allowed? He shook his head with Sammy giving a sly wink from the corner.

“Will the delegation expect access to anywhere else?” Adaar asked with half an eye on Cullen.

“Possibly.” Abelas winced as Maryelf launched into a long animated lyrical rant. “They are politically neutral, and are considered the tamer of the other -” he paused, “as we belong to Mythal, they follow Sylaise.”

“We’ll discuss details later,” Adaar agreed, making a note in the edge of the previous minutes.

“The Undercroft is still understaffed,” Clemence cut across as Cullen indicated he had an issue to raise. Penny adored Clemence for the sheer belligerence.

“We have sent out new adverts,” Adaar stated.

“You promised that Penny and Cole would be working with me until you could replace Tippany, and yet they have been absent.” He pointed out with stabbing of his finger on the table.

“Due to circumstances beyond my control,” Adaar replied just as matter of factly. 

“How am I supposed to maintain neutrality with the workload when we are understaffed? I have an apprentice I am unable to train, and an experienced alchemist wasting their talents,” Clemence continued. He was her hero, if only when it was turned on other people.

“Penny, would you like to wade in on this?” Adaar asked.

“I’m good,” although apparently, this was not the correct answer as Adaar growled. “Uh - Cullen, you’ve got alchemists, right?”

“We have a number of people who have expressed an interest in working alongside your people,” Cullen said, sitting up properly. “It’s partly why I’m attending. We have a couple who have asked to retrain and a fully trained alchemist who is willing but lacking the equipment to do so.”

“Will that do?” Adaar asked bluntly.

“It will mean three apprentices with three trained,” Clemence replied, “We will survive until you provide more trained staff.”

“Great resolution everyone, are we done yet?” Penny whined, and not just because she thought Adaar was going to throttle Clemence, her bottom was beginning to throb from the hard wooden chair she’d ended up with for no reason she could understand.

“Any other business?” Adaar asked as if Penny wasn’t even there. No one raised their hand, and she nodded. “The minutes will be distributed, the next meeting will take place as scheduled. A reminder once again, I am the CEO of Shoptopia the business, not of the Chargers, not of the Network, or the other smaller groups that operate independently.”

It felt like the meetings dragged on longer and longer each time, especially as she tried to slip out with the others she was forced to stay by Cole. “Why? We have things to do, I’ve missed out on my exercises, and I promised the kids I’d run a session.”

“Because my love,” Ali slung her onto his shoulders, “Cullen has a request that involves you.”

“What?” 

“We need permission to travel within Orlais,” Cullen answered, looking at Adaar, who nodded.

“Josie is having issues as someone who was particularly obvious about their disdain for the Inquisition, has made several influential friends and contacts within Orlais’ court,” Adaar said with a pointed look at her.

“How is that my problem? Surely the fact you can close the rifts is enough to get you permission?” eeping as Ali pinched her bottom and Cole had the cheek to pout at her.

“You know exactly why,” Adaar said dryly. 

“I would like to officially apologise on behalf of the Inquisition for the slight we have caused you.” That he looked thoroughly uncomfortable, only added to Cole’s attempt of a guilt trip. “If there is anything we can do to make amends, if it is within our means we will do so immediately.”

Adaar was staring at her with the air of someone who knew exactly who Penny was. The only way she could have felt smaller was if Mary was also there. She could just accept the apology, and they could all move on with their lives, right? Cole was shaking his head. But they deserved it, right, because they were power-hungry people who stomped all over other people to achieve their aims or something. She couldn’t quite remember at this exact moment her reasoning, but whatever it was she was more than sure it had at one point it had been valid.

“I’m sure there is no need to make amends, is there Penny?” Adaar raised her eyebrow.

“None, I’m sure we can all just put it behind us,” Penny grasped onto the branch eagerly.

“Penny, will be more than happy to visit her contacts and help ease access for you, won’t you Penny?” Adaar seemed to be enjoying her squirming all of a sudden.

“How soon, because - I mean, of course.” Cole kissed her cheek. “They’ll be just as eager to have you come and close the rifts up, they’re all over the shop. Bull complained that they’d kept having to dodge them when going to get things, and I’m sure it’ll make Mary’s job a lot easier.” And then she would be the person who saved the world, ha, it could work. 

“Glad we could get that cleared` up,” Adaar purred, turning the knowing look on her. “Commander Rutherford, make sure your people follow the rules, and I’m sure we won’t come across any more issues.”

“I will speak to him directly.”

“Wonderful, now can we please go?” Penny properly whined this time.

“Cullen I need to talk with you about Varric and his guest,” Ali stopped her from slithering down deliberately.

“You don’t need me here for that,” she bit his ear.

“He’s teasing,” Cole nodded, helping her to extricate herself from the octopus that was masquerading as Ali. 

“Adaarrrrr!”

“Not the CEO of your relationship,” she was halfway out the door, as the two men started to chat. “Make sure you read the list of banned breeding, or I’ll agree with Clemence about putting you back to work in the Undercroft.” 

Penny had to give it to her, she knew how to make a point as the door closed on her last word.

**Author's Note:**

> Letters sent = **0** She lives for the time being whoop whoop


End file.
